Dealing with an Issue with LTR

[Awken]

Hey DJ's! I have an issue with my LTR and would love to hear some opinions on it.

A few days ago she gave me her phone to take some photos and a message popped up from some guy which read "Plus I have a free house" which made me a bit curious. So later that night I snooped through her phone to see what this all was about and apparently there is a ****tail and dinner night being organised in the upcoming weeks which is a boundary violation. This guy is VERY pushy, apparently he was trying to organize it a few months ago as well but was always getting a "Sorry, I'm really busy" response from my LTR. This time though, plans are being made which I've heard nothing about and he keeps mentioning how he has a free house so it seems pretty obvious what he wants which is annoying me its not getting shut down, the idea is being entertained.

What is the best way to respond to such a thing? I can bring it up and state my boundary again but she will know I went through her phone, or maybe its best to just see how things play out and end it if things go through?

 

[Billtx49]

Secret behind your back activity is more than enough reason for a dump depending on your own and her degree of involvement.
My guess is she’s not as involved currently as you think she is…

 

[Bible_Belt]

apparently there is a ****tail and dinner night being organised

A what tail and dinner night?

 

[exhausted]

Hey DJ's! I have an issue with my LTR and would love to hear some opinions on it.

A few days ago she gave me her phone to take some photos and a message popped up from some guy which read "Plus I have a free house" which made me a bit curious. So later that night I snooped through her phone to see what this all was about and apparently there is a ****tail and dinner night being organised in the upcoming weeks which is a boundary violation. This guy is VERY pushy, apparently he was trying to organize it a few months ago as well but was always getting a "Sorry, I'm really busy" response from my LTR. This time though, plans are being made which I've heard nothing about and he keeps mentioning how he has a free house so it seems pretty obvious what he wants which is annoying me its not getting shut down, the idea is being entertained.

What is the best way to respond to such a thing? I can bring it up and state my boundary again but she will know I went through her phone, or maybe its best to just see how things play out and end it if things go through?

I just don't understand this bitttch like reaction from guys these days. No offense. But u did nothing wrong u had the phone when an odd message popped up. ASK. And then with her answer comes knowledge if she is lying or whatnut.

Now either way bring it up.

 

[BeExcellent]

You don't need to reveal you went through her phone. But you should ask about it straight up.

Tell her "listen...what's up with 'free house' dude?" If she acts surprised just tell her "you know...the dude who pinged you about having a free house too...While I was taking pictures with your phone the other day.

Care to elaborate?"

And then you shut up, smile & you observe. Her reaction and body language will tell you everything.

 

[BeExcellent]

Whats the point of confronting her? To find out that she was planning a meet and some dude is pinging her phone?
He said himself its obvious what he wants.

@BeExcellent im pretty sure you said in another thread that a woman whos satisfied will NOT stray. Or entertain the idea.

Which is it?
I think at tjis point hes just setting himself up for a heated argument and he finds out she was going to go.
I would except what happened...not sure if you live with her but i would calmly tell her never to speak to me again and walk.

You will then soon find out tge truth and retain your nut sack in return. Dude you busted some dude texting her. She never told you to begin with.

Correct. A satisfied woman will not stray. But she may get all sorts of attention that she isn't all that interested in out there in the world, especially if she is attractive. It's her job to respect boundaries and also build relationships of a professional or social nature. And if she's not married, she's not fully locked down, particularly if marriage is her goal.

But back to my assertion...if a woman really wants to be married and the BF won't propose? Then she isn't fully satisfied is she? So it can be a matter of time before she's gone. Now we have no idea about that from the OP...but it's common, especially in the younger age brackets.

I network in my industry and in real estate and attend lots of events. People banter. Sometimes people are more forward, sometimes not. I don't tell the man I date every little text exchange that happens between myself and various men. Nor does the man I date tell me every text he has with other women. To expect that is what a 13 year old would expect. Instead, we invest time with each other, enjoy each other and respect the boundaries we have established between us. If something irks one or the other of us...we deal with it. Sometimes covertly, sometimes overtly, but it hasn't caused any fights because we communicate well generally speaking.

Now to the OP. What does "organizing" dinner & drinks mean? Is it a group function through social or professional networks? Or is it one on one? He's been "pushy?" Sexually pushy? Or salesman pushy?

I can see reason for concern if free house dude is being sexually pushy, and setting up a one on one meet up. But like @stringpuller suggests, if she's happy in and out of the bedroom this is flattering but should not matter.

If this situation with the GF bugs the guy then why tip toe around it? It might be a nothing burger. It might not. But clearly he's bothered by it. So why not ask and then listen/observe rather than have his hamster running wild?

If she's unhappy & thinking of something outside the LTR he needs to know. If it's nothing...fine...clear the air. Either way he gets an answer. Assuming doesn't get you anywhere (+) and better to have some courage & ask rather than sit around worried & wondering.

So what if it starts a fight. It doesn't have to. He's for sure going to get dumped sooner or later if he's in the corner fretting too afraid to say something. That's weak and women despise weakness in a man.

So if the gig is up he can dump the chick from a place of strength rather than get cucked if that is what is setting up.

 

[vivek59234]

Hey dude,

I was in the same situation. When I decided to be in LTR with this girl and when she was committed, after few months i saw her texting with her ex. I asked her straight away and she lied to me but insted of dumping her I did not do anything and she came back automatically after few days and I accepted her again but she did this thrice to me and I kept on accepting her. In the end she dumped me and by the time I had lost everything. I was satisfying her in all the areas.

Basically there are some girls who want to just enjoy and when they are bored they will start dating other guys.

These are the confused chicks who are not sure where to go in life.

Its better to ask her straight away and check her body language from a normal person’s point of view. Dont let your emotiona come down.

If something is fishy just dump her because you will be in a bad situation soon.

Trust me I have gone through this and I am suffering a lot.

 

[guru1000]

"Sorry, I'm really busy" response from my LTR. This time though, plans are being made which I've heard nothing about and he keeps mentioning how he has a free house so it seems pretty obvious what he wants which is annoying me its not getting shut down, the idea is being entertained.

What is the best way to respond to such a thing?

Here's a valuable lesson for some DJs.

Always judge by her actions, not her words.

Her actions speak non-exclusive. And this is how you should proceed.

Overt boundaries ex-post-facto will not serve you well to the extent that her genuine desire is not congruent with your overt boundaries, and hence her deviance.

Relegate her to non-exclusivity. Do not speak a word. The days she goes missing, encourage her to have fun. Let her see you treat the relation as a non-exclusive one from now on. This will take emotional strength. I used to walk away from relations like this. Today, I "play" within them. Then when she asks why, you proceed with, "Well you seem to be doing the same, and so I assumed ..."

Don't attempt to negotiate genuine desire. It must originate within her, by her own accord and in her space.

Remember, her "jail of exclusivity" should be prompted and desired by her, not so much by you. This is the correct frame in how you should proceed IF you ever reach that point again with her again.

In the meantime, have fun with the many beautiful women out there.

 

[vivek59234]

Here's a valuable lesson for some DJs.

Always judge by her actions, not her words.

Her actions speak non-exclusive. And this is how you should proceed.

Overt boundaries ex-post-facto will not serve you well to the extent that her genuine desire is not congruent with your overt boundaries, and hence her deviance.

Relegate her to non-exclusivity. Do not speak a word. The days she goes missing, encourage her to have fun. Let her see you treat the relation as a non-exclusive one from now on. This will take emotional strength. I used to walk away from relations like this. Today, I "play" within them. Then when she asks why, you proceed with, "Well you seem to be doing the same, and so I assumed ..."

Don't attempt to negotiate genuine desire. It must originate within her, by her own accord and in her space.

Remember, her "jail of exclusivity" should be prompted and desired by her, not so much by you. This is the correct frame in how you should proceed IF you ever reach that point again with her again.

@guru
I completely agree with you but the thing is about being emotionally attached with a girl. DJ’s like you can easily spin plates whenever you want to and show them that you cannot **** around with me.

But guys like me will always be fallen into her emotional dramas and acting.

It depends on mindset. If you are strong enough then its very easy or else just drop her and walk away.

 

[guru1000]

@guru
I completely agree with you but the thing is about being emotionally attached with a girl. DJ’s like you can easily spin plates whenever you want to and show them that you cannot **** around with me.

But guys like me will always be fallen into her emotional dramas and acting.

It depends on mindset. If you are strong enough then its very easy or else just drop her and walk away.

IF you don't have the emotional strength, then walk away.

I used to think and act this way. In time, you get desensitized to the "game" and play it as such. Ultimately, you must understand your strengths and weaknesses and play within them.

 

[vivek59234]

IF you don't have the emotional strength, then walk away.

I used to think and act this way. In time, you get desensitized to the "game" and play it as such. Ultimately, you must understand your strengths and weaknesses and play within them.

I completely agree with you. I am trying to learn this ‘game’. But it is really interesting though.

 

[Trump]

So later that night I snooped through her phone to see what this all was about and apparently there is a ****tail and dinner night being organised in the upcoming weeks which is a boundary violation. This guy is VERY pushy,

Lol. You guys are hilarious. Because you are in love with your girlfriend, some guy isn't supposed to be "pushy?"

"Bro what are you doing? If you start telling the woman I love that you have a "free house," she will leave me and start sleeping with you." Don't be putting thoughts in her head that she can leave me."

This time though, plans are being made which I've heard nothing about and he keeps mentioning how he has a free house so it seems pretty obvious what he wants which is annoying me its not getting shut down, the idea is being entertained.

How are your egos so high, then you think like this?

What do you want her to say?

"Go to hell. I am absolutely 100% in love with my boyfriend and want to have constant sex with him at all times. I would give my life, soul and body for him!"

What is the best way to respond to such a thing?

Tell her she should worship you and not God.

 

[lizardking82]

Demote her without telling her anything. LOL, I know, man, I know, you will say "But she's my girlfriend, dude, I got feelings for her". That is why Patrice O'Neal, one of the greatest men of our era, said "My girlfriend loves me, I like her". You gotta like your girl, not love her. That is our version of love, the manly version. You like her, it means no matter how far away she might stray, you protect your feelings and your mental health.

You don't need a change of girlfriend, you need a change of mindset.

 

[Red Legg]

The proper prescription imo is to go one full year of gaming whilst denying exclusivity, no matter how great a girlfriend act that any woman puts on. It really is an amazing eye opener that no post or words can do justice to.

I am living this out right now,except I fvcked up and granted exclusivity 2 months in,caught her cheating and revoked exclusivity which she fully accepted,now it seems I have a main plate while we both are getting adventure sex elsewhere,this is the best position to be in imo,what is even more scary is I am about 98% certain she is game aware as well,this adds an odd dynamic but one that makes me feel more comfortable about her.

 

[exhausted]

Correct. A satisfied woman will not stray. But she may get all sorts of attention that she isn't all that interested in out there in the world, especially if she is attractive. It's her job to respect boundaries and also build relationships of a professional or social nature. And if she's not married, she's not fully locked down, particularly if marriage is her goal.

But back to my assertion...if a woman really wants to be married and the BF won't propose? Then she isn't fully satisfied is she? So it can be a matter of time before she's gone. Now we have no idea about that from the OP...but it's common, especially in the younger age brackets.

I network in my industry and in real estate and attend lots of events. People banter. Sometimes people are more forward, sometimes not. I don't tell the man I date every little text exchange that happens between myself and various men. Nor does the man I date tell me every text he has with other women. To expect that is what a 13 year old would expect. Instead, we invest time with each other, enjoy each other and respect the boundaries we have established between us. If something irks one or the other of us...we deal with it. Sometimes covertly, sometimes overtly, but it hasn't caused any fights because we communicate well generally speaking.

Now to the OP. What does "organizing" dinner & drinks mean? Is it a group function through social or professional networks? Or is it one on one? He's been "pushy?" Sexually pushy? Or salesman pushy?

I can see reason for concern if free house dude is being sexually pushy, and setting up a one on one meet up. But like @stringpuller suggests, if she's happy in and out of the bedroom this is flattering but should not matter.

If this situation with the GF bugs the guy then why tip toe around it? It might be a nothing burger. It might not. But clearly he's bothered by it. So why not ask and then listen/observe rather than have his hamster running wild?

If she's unhappy & thinking of something outside the LTR he needs to know. If it's nothing...fine...clear the air. Either way he gets an answer. Assuming doesn't get you anywhere (+) and better to have some courage & ask rather than sit around worried & wondering.

So what if it starts a fight. It doesn't have to. He's for sure going to get dumped sooner or later if he's in the corner fretting too afraid to say something. That's weak and women despise weakness in a man.

So if the gig is up he can dump the chick from a place of strength rather than get cucked if that is what is setting up.

I ask. Why tip toe around terrified when u can find out what is going on.

 

[BeExcellent]

Your already rationalizing into somthing else.
About OP situation. Im assuming they were in a committed relationship. ------->Its her job to respect boundries. <--------

Not really. Sometimes there needs to be better communication about what the boundaries actually are. To me there is snooping going on (not good - invasion of her privacy) and lots of assuming. So OP did not respect her boundaries at all IMO, and now he gets his just desserts. She may decline the free house dude yet. If she does, why should she say anything at all? I mean it's all speculation at this point unless he has the guts to ask her about it. If I was concerned, I'd ask. No harm in asking and there might be a good explanation. I'm floored how many just make an assumption and avoid potential conflict. No wonder men like that are single. They have no backbone.

I'm not into "open" relationships, but I'm not exclusive unless that is specifically what's asked of me or mutually agreed to. I was faithfully married for 15 years, never cheated, and I had every opportunity. I was MARRIED. That means locked down and not available to another man. Do I realize many people routinely disregard that? Sure. But I didn't. I mean frankly for a young woman? Nothing short of married is exclusive to be perfectly honest. That is VERY old school, but that's what my wise granny used to say.

Stringpuller made the comment that perhaps she isn't happy with OP in bed. Maybe she isn't but that's speculation. I made the comment that LTRs without marriage are by definition not completely exclusive (Sorry they aren't). Whether that is at play in this situation is purely speculation as well.

Perhaps the best advice in the thread goes to Guru & deesade & RedLegg, who said simply, wait & see what happens. If she is disrespectful and goes out with someone else behind your back, demote her and plate her. Simple. And you get to date other women. Brilliant. But you simply do it and do not howl bloody murder about it.

 

[Red Legg]

Consider them all game-aware, mate.

In my philanderings, I've especially noticed that even the average woman has the skills of a seasoned pua.

Got to learn this sh*t just to have a punchers chance, really.

Yep....every time I think I am fully woke..I am still a little asleep...I agree with you it takes at least a year of observing this sh!t to fully "wake up"

 

[guru1000]

What you describe is an open relationship. Rationalizing and flipping the script when you know dam well whem a beautiful SANE submissive attractive female is your girl she WILL not risk losing her ROCK.

Giving into a boundry gentleman and sticking around to discuss, figure out, demote your LTR to plate that you let into your inner core and gave her your time and attention is supplicating your balls and showing this girl that you had no balls and integrity to begin with.
You guys can talk it away all ya want. I learn this **** the hard earned way. Be ruthless and strict with these types of boundries for YOUR sake.

Stringpuller, I used to think exactly as you did ... up to recently. FYI, I brought boundary implementation into the manosphere. Let's just say that I understand both sides of the argument fully.

You're not demonstrating anything by hard NEXTing a girl who may want to stray. Let her stray. And you do the same. And if she acts on her desire to stray, then you know she's no keeper. Then use her as you need to, if you have any use for her at all.

The key is managing your emotions. If you feel "violated" by an implied boundary breach, then you have no alternative than to NEXT, as your emotions will fool you into believing you are violating yourself if you don't act. However, you are not violating yourself, if your boundaries are simply "tests." In this capacity, you manage your emotions, and use the dynamic to serve you instead.

I used to rule my relations with an iron fist. Or at least I thought. Truth was my iron fist was ruling me, leaving me with extreme binary outcomes, Pass/Fail, before anything actually really occurred.

I'm all about boundaries.The difference is how I respond to suggestive violations.

This relation is still salvageable. There is no clear violation of boundaries. Just a wandering desire. The old Guru would have dropped her. Today, I would play on her desire accordingly, observe her by giving her enough rope to hang herself, implicitly encourage her to go and explore her desire, and then ascertain from there whether she is LTR worthy--all while I am enjoying myself with other beautiful women.

 

[vivek59234]

Stringpuller, I used to think exactly as you did ... up to recently. FYI, I brought boundary implementation into the manosphere. Let's just say that I understand both sides of the argument fully.

You're not demonstrating anything by hard NEXTing a girl who may want to stray. Let her stray. And you do the same. And if she acts on her desire to stray, then you know she's no keeper. Then use her as you need to, if you have any use for her at all.

The key is managing your emotions. If you feel "violated" by an implied boundary breach, then you have no alternative than to NEXT, as your emotions will fool you into believing you are violating yourself if you don't act. However, you are not violating yourself, if your boundaries are simply "tests." In this capacity, you manage your emotions, and use the dynamic to serve you instead.

I used to rule my relations with an iron fist. Or at least I thought. Truth was my iron fist was ruling me, leaving me with extreme binary outcomes, Pass/Fail, before anything actually really occurred.

I'm all about boundaries.The difference is how I respond to suggestive violations.

This relation is still salvageable. There is no clear violation of boundaries. Just a wandering desire. The old Guru would have dropped her. Today, I would play on her desire accordingly, observe her by giving her enough rope to hang herself, implicitly encourage her to go and explore her desire, and then ascertain from there whether she is LTR worthy--all while I am enjoying myself with other beautiful women.

You are the best @guru. This is the perfect rule for all the girls.

 

[vivek59234]

its not so much about ruling your relationship with an iron fist. anyone that does that will always undoubtedly perceive major issues where there really isnt one (or minor ones)

what many new or inexperienced guys need to learn is the power of the takeway.

being able to walk away from a woman is one of the most pwerful tools in a mans arsenal. sadly, most men have never had the balls to this and wont see its usefulness or true value.

someone like myself can ignore a woman thats setting up plans with other men and keep doing my own thing on the side up until things just fizzle out and she gets the hint, but for most guys here, they first need to experience first hand what its like to walk away from something, even if it can be saved. the 180 in behavior from the women will blow them away

If you can explain more about walking away and things fizzle out on the side in detail please?

Does walking away meas we have to leave her and move on?