Destruction of a Very Close Friend

[logicallefty]

I already know the answer to this, but I need to air it out somewhere and SS is the only possible place that I can, which is also a big part of the problem.

It's about one of my best friends. 43yo, married for 17 x years, 1 x daughter age 12.

A couple years ago he suspected his wife was cheating. He came to me, crying might I add, wondering what to do. Private Investigator LL went to work and we made our way into her phone. We found no evidence she had cheated, but indisputable evidence that, in just a few days, was going to spend the night with a male coworker. He had a breakdown. Confronted her. Didn't get physical thank God. I worked through it with him. In the end, she gave him all of her sob stories and he forgave her. He told he that I was his main support system when they were having these and other problems. She told him that she doesn't like him hanging out with Logicallefty because "Logicallefty is just a bitter and jaded man and its not good for you (friend) to be hanging around him". So since then, 2015, I have seen him maybe 3 times. Used to be we hung out 1-2 times every single week.

Now I see him post all of this mushy crap on FB about her. How much he loves her. bla bla bla. I just get sick. I would put 3/4 of my net worth on the table that it's only a matter of time before I get the call that she has cheated and/or is divorcing him.

This is the guy that I would say, if I had to choose, was my true life long best friend. Known each other since 7th grade. I just can't stand to watch the inevitable go down. I have very tactfully tried to bring it up and he immediately changes the subject to how great his wife is and how happy they are.

This is one of those times where I wish I didn't know as much as I did, and didn't know any better.

 

[exhausted]

So she was a dispicable lowlife POS who planned to cheat, got caught, and is mad at LL and punishes her husband and you for it......

I absolutely hate chit people. I pray there is a hell so this woman can burn in it.

The husband is clearly a *****, and the fact you didnt write how he beat the bejesus out of the man going after his wife is humiliating enough.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Yep, this is the downside to understanding the true mechanics of human relationships.

Watching trainwrecks happen in extremely slow motion, and not being able to do anything.

All you can do is be available if they need you, which is when it will be too late.

 

[QuadDeuces]

His destruction could be the best thing that ever happened to him.
You learn in life through experiences, sometimes a cheating wife is the event that catapulted him into a better life.

 

[Red Legg]

Ah....the price we pay for being "game aware" I agree with you,your friend is going to get creamed.

 

[resilient]

Rose colored lens for sure.

Like other posters said, it's going to take his wife cheating and divorcing him for him to wake up and see the reality he's living in.

I'm not surprised that the wife doesn't want him to hang around you. You're an unplugged DJ with some red pill logical thinking.

You're likely to look at the relationship objectively because you've known him since 7th grade and aren't affected by the emotions from the relationship like he is for being in it.

I went through something similar with my ex-wife before she left me. I couldn't provide any clear evidence of cheating though she definitely pulled back from visiting my immediate family (her in-laws) because my family was protective of me and didn't like the way she was treating me -- openly disrespected me in front of them and my friends. She would complain by saying something like "we were just over there. We always see your family. We need some time apart."

Independence is fine and healthy, but so much separation creates isolation and then colors one's view to objectively see things the way they really are. It's like having the blinds shut on a window and not seeing the view outside.

You're right to care OP and a very concerned best friend, unfortunately, it's going to have to get a lot worse before it can get better for him. He has to want a better life and needs to put his feet down and man up.

Lastly, I've found the more people broadcast how wonderful their relationship is on social media with stories, family pictures, vacation photos, married-life selfies, etc. the more chaotic it is inside the home away from others who don't have the complete picture on the couple.

 

[btownbuck2012]

What a disgusting human being that wife of his is. I've made a few posts about this type of thing in the recent months - about how women, unlike, are utterly inhuman in types of situations like this. She's f*cking around, gets caught, blames him, then with time will go back to her same behavior. Christ..

As far as your friend goes, I'm sorry to say but there isn't much you can do. It is terribly sad and I'm truly sorry you are dealing with this, but that's life. We'll all be dead in 100 years.

 

[logicallefty]

Thanks for all of the replies, fellas. This has been on my mind for a while. I can only forget it for a few days at most before he's back on FB dumping his emo vomit about her. I can never see if she replies or what she says cuz I have her skank a$$ blocked. I guess all I can do is keep his bail money in a jar for when the false domestic charges come (or maybe real ones if he really looses it) and keep my couch ready. Although his brother is a cop, he's the one who got me into law enforcement. So he might get there with the bail money before I do.

 

[exhausted]

What a disgusting human being that wife of his is. I've made a few posts about this type of thing in the recent months - about how women, unlike, are utterly inhuman in types of situations like this. She's f*cking around, gets caught, blames him, then with time will go back to her same behavior. Christ..

As far as your friend goes, I'm sorry to say but there isn't much you can do. It is terribly sad and I'm truly sorry you are dealing with this, but that's life. We'll all be dead in 100 years.

Agreed. It is absolutely disgusting. If i ever found out my woman was even planning this her ass would be out in a heartbeat. I would put a beating on the guy he would never walk the same again ( officer i showed up to talk to this gentleman about my wife as i am devestated i was looking for answers and help and he told me to my face he was bending my own wife over and i lost my sanity) going after my woman ruining my family and i would also call her dad and tell him his daughter is a cvnt *****.

Any man who goes after another man's wife is a scumbag and deserves his back broken and any wife planning this or cheating deserves to be destroyed reputation wise.

The days of my tolerance of this pos world sre over.

 

[Julian]

So she was a dispicable lowlife POS who planned to cheat, got caught, and is mad at LL and punishes her husband and you for it......

I absolutely hate chit people. I pray there is a hell so this woman can burn in it.

The husband is clearly a *****, and the fact you didnt write how he beat the bejesus out of the man going after his wife is humiliating enough.

How is this guy beating some dude that is cucking him going to solve anything? For all we know the coworker didnt know she was married or maybe she told people at work she was single now and on the market,you never know. either way the dude she was planning to bang could be capable of anything including pulling out a 45 cal and blowing your brains out so its usually a good idea not to act on emotion and go after a fellow bro just because he's smashing your disloyal wife or girlfriend.


At the end of the day LL friend has no one to blame but his beta self. Not saying his wife cheating is justified in anyway, but him taking her back is even less justified.

 

[logicallefty]

@Julian I don't know if he would beat the guy or her. Probably neither. But if she made the accusation that's good enough for some anymore. I agree he is a beta when it comes to her. Not in other areas of life. He is a cable TV lineman. In great shape. The most handy skilled guy I know. Can fix or build anything. I know floods of women who would take him if he weren't married. Why he stays with that wife I wish I knew.

 

[exhausted]

How is this guy beating some dude that is cucking him going to solve anything? For all we know the coworker didnt know she was married or maybe she told people at work she was single now and on the market,you never know. either way the dude she was planning to bang could be capable of anything including pulling out a 45 cal and blowing your brains out so its usually a good idea not to act on emotion and go after a fellow bro just because he's smashing your disloyal wife or girlfriend.


At the end of the day LL friend has no one to blame but his beta self. Not saying his wife cheating is justified in anyway, but him taking her back is even less justified.

My research and investigating would provide me with the knowledge to make that decision.
The last 10 years i have felt good riddance to the woman only, that has gotten me no where.
You want to **** around and destroy my family like a beta ***** going after my woman behind my back be prepared to have yours broken.

I am tired of allowing scumbags to ruin things for the good guy.

Maybe then no man would go after another mans wife because it isn't worth his demise.

I dont care about guns. I have my own.
I'm not afraid to die.
This life has been enough for ten lives.
I am exhausted beyond belief.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

I already know the answer to this, but I need to air it out somewhere and SS is the only possible place that I can, which is also a big part of the problem.

It's about one of my best friends. 43yo, married for 17 x years, 1 x daughter age 12.

A couple years ago he suspected his wife was cheating. He came to me, crying might I add, wondering what to do. Private Investigator LL went to work and we made our way into her phone. We found no evidence she had cheated, but indisputable evidence that, in just a few days, was going to spend the night with a male coworker. He had a breakdown. Confronted her. Didn't get physical thank God. I worked through it with him. In the end, she gave him all of her sob stories and he forgave her. He told he that I was his main support system when they were having these and other problems. She told him that she doesn't like him hanging out with Logicallefty because "Logicallefty is just a bitter and jaded man and its not good for you (friend) to be hanging around him". So since then, 2015, I have seen him maybe 3 times. Used to be we hung out 1-2 times every single week.

Now I see him post all of this mushy crap on FB about her. How much he loves her. bla bla bla. I just get sick. I would put 3/4 of my net worth on the table that it's only a matter of time before I get the call that she has cheated and/or is divorcing him.

This is the guy that I would say, if I had to choose, was my true life long best friend. Known each other since 7th grade. I just can't stand to watch the inevitable go down. I have very tactfully tried to bring it up and he immediately changes the subject to how great his wife is and how happy they are.

This is one of those times where I wish I didn't know as much as I did, and didn't know any better.

Lefty,

Sounds like you've done all you can. Just be there for him when she finally tears his heart out and frivorces him.

Sometimes good men are too influenced by the women they are with. In a really long term relationship like that, a man isn't even aware of how much the woman has affected him.

He will need you when the sh*t hits the fan.

-Augustus-

 

[Bible_Belt]

You said you've known the guy since you were kids. What was his mother like? Was she domineering and bossy? Did you ever get to observe the dynamic between his parents?

 

[logicallefty]

What made him suspicious in the first place?

She was always on her phone, more than before. She was never protective of it and then started guarding it like Fort Knox. One day he picked it up just to move it off the counter or something like that, right in front of her. She freaked out and went off on him "don't touch my phone!". That rose his suspicions even further.

The of course, after he and I retrieved the evidence and he confronted her, she tried to twist it around that "He was a bad husband for invading her privacy". We've all heard of that scenerio before. Stereotypical.

 

[logicallefty]

You said you've known the guy since you were kids. What was his mother like? Was she domineering and bossy? Did you ever get to observe the dynamic between his parents?

His mother died when he was 4 and thus I never met her. But his stepmother was a witch. Very bossy. Nasty bi|ch. She and his dad won the Little Lotto once, like $100,000 or something like that. My buddy was 18-19 at the time and asked for a few thousand bucks to go to a community college. The step mom wouldn't allow him to have a penny.

 

[exhausted]

She was always on her phone, more than before. She was never protective of it and then started guarding it like Fort Knox. One day he picked it up just to move it off the counter or something like that, right in front of her. She freaked out and went off on him "don't touch my phone!". That rose his suspicions even further.

The of course, after he and I retrieved the evidence and he confronted her, she tried to twist it around that "He was a bad husband for invading her privacy". We've all heard of that scenerio before. Stereotypical.

What a horrible ****

 

[Bible_Belt]

his stepmother was a witch. Very bossy. Nasty bi|ch.

People who tolerate abuse do so because they think they deserve it, typically due to having a low self-image.

 

[Sneaky Pete]

His destruction could be the best thing that ever happened to him.
You learn in life through experiences, sometimes a cheating wife is the event that catapulted him into a better life.

This is most likely the case. It will be difficult in the beginning for him, but helping through it, is what friends are for.

 

[RedScorpion]

Seems like he's given in, in some respect. I think he's seen two main options -

Pain/Option 1 - being with her, under illusion of actual trust and respect, while he loses some self-respect but not all. He knows on some level that the mutual respect is gone due to the cheating, with no way to truly get it fully back. There will be an underlying trust issue there. So he suppresses those thoughts, in order to maintain the things he does have (some love/affection, some stable home, ignoring the real issues forever if he has to, to not go to option 2).

Pain/Option 2 - breaking the relationship, heading into the unknown, daughter - self esteem and morale shattered, but it's not the endless purgatory he's putting himself through now. He could rebuild self-respect, proper boundaries, have someone to trust. But because it's been so long to being single, I don't think he'd trust himself to that.

I think this shows in his mushy crap on FB if it's how I imagine. There's appreciation for a loved one - and then there's overboard (I'm picturing overboard a bit). Unfortunately I think that's also why he's not hanging out with you so much - because you remind him of the opportunity he's declined, and of his own decision to force himself back into a crappy situation - but better than the option 2 he's picturing. It really seems like he's suppressing himself, in order to pretend that everything is okay.

I don't know. It's not an enviable position.