At a major crossroads... I have to let her go....

[Dingo]

OK....

I have to make a very hard decision..... I've had a mistress for five years.... I'm stuck in a loveless marriage... Don't really know where it will end. I love my mistress to death but being that I'm married and that divorce is not in the cards anytime soon I feel like I got to "let her go"... I love our relationship and I'm sure she does too but deep down I'm sure she really would like to free.. to be married to someone...

Weird to let someone so good to you go but it really is the right thing to do.

Have any of you given up a girl that made you happy because for ever reason it just wasn't meant to be ?

Not looking for judgement... Just needing opinions.... support....

Protect your heart...

 

[Dingo]

Oh.... and I'm not saying it's going to be easy... I hurts like Hell...

 

[El Payaso]

Why stay in a loveless marriage? Life is short. If your wife isn't making you happy and you both have tried everything possible then just call it quits.

That way you can bang as many women without having that guilt hanging over you.

 

[Dingo]

I hear you.... but just leaving after 25+ years it is hard... out of habit, obligation, financial....

I'm trying to sort things out.

In the past a quick easy flings satisfied me.... But my mistress was much much more.... Sucks to give her up... not fair to her.... and I'm realistic... even if I left the wife for her less than 5% of those relationships make it....

One of the worse things is not being able to talk to friends.... you really go through this alone.

 

[Glassguy]

So keep doing what you're doing.

Sounds like you're going to get financially raped anyways if you divorce or if the wife finds out about the side piece

 

[Dingo]

It's not that I couldn't do what I'm doing....it's about letting someone you care for go.

Just because I'm ****ed doesn't mean I have to stop her from having a chance at real happiness. Not being noble just trying not to be a total selfish ass.

 

[Glassguy]

Well it's not like you're holding a gun to your side pieces head to suck your c0ck.

Talk to her and set her free.....if she wants to go. Some women don't mind being the other woman because it's like a taboo fantasy land.

At least you realize that it would never work with the side chick in real life. The fantasy would be over and it would die quickly once real life entered your relationship with her.

 

[sazc]

Good luck to you.

 

[marmel75]

Then why would you stop? No offense but if your wife isnt fulfilling her sexual obligations you have every right to go get it somewhere else and I would let her know about it too.

Straight up tell her that you have physical needs and since she isnt interested in taking care of them you will have those taken care of elsewhere.

F that dude...so you want to punish yourself? For what?

 

[marmel75]

It's not that I couldn't do what I'm doing....it's about letting someone you care for go.

Just because I'm ****ed doesn't mean I have to stop her from having a chance at real happiness. Not being noble just trying not to be a total selfish ass.

How do you know she isnt happy now? Who the hell are you to decide what someone else should want? You have some serious Disney fantasyland issues going on in your mind.

You come off as trying not to be an "ass" but instead you are going to "play God" and determine what she wants or should want? Do you not see how arrogant this is?

 

[BeExcellent]

Dingo, a few questions for you.

Have you given your mistress the impression that you are going to eventually divorce the wife? So has she stuck by you while you have strung her along? How old is she? Does she want her own children & family one day? Does she think you will be that man to father her children & be her husband?

Not asking to bust your chops. Just seeking to understand better why you find the appropriate course to break things off.

Why not come clean? She's an adult.

 

[Dingo]

Be Excellent: I never told her or gave her the impression that I was going to leave my wife. Never lied to her or strung her along. She is in her 40's divorced with adult children. We have had a fun relationship and she always liked not having me full time... but lately she has hinted at being alone... not wanting to be alone.... Never putting pressure on me but you can tell she is not happy about things...

I truly care about her and want her to be happy.... I just think that setting her free she might be better off. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

 

[Dingo]

Marvel: I'm not trying to be arrogant... Like I posted for Be Excellent I'm just trying to figure things out and be good to her.... When the talk comes we will find out what she wants...

 

[BeExcellent]

Ok fair enough. She already has grown children, her clock is not ticking.

Why not discuss things with her so she is well informed & let her make her own decisions?

If you have not created expectations then there is no harm no foul on you. If she is longing for something more or something else then it seems she may have a choice to make...but why make it for her?

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Pretty much Glassguy said what I was thinking.

Certainly don't get divorced in order to exchange for the exact same circumstance with your mistress. A large part of the attraction for both of you is the fact that you "shouldn't" be doing it.

If you need to free anyone up for the chance of real happiness, it's yourself and your wife. Your mistress is free to do what she wants.

Put it this way; on your deathbed you'll be thinking one of two things:

-Thank goodness I stayed in my loveless marriage because, you know, even though my wife and myself have both been inherently miserable for the last 30 years, at least life has been relatively convenient on a practical level.
-Thank goodness I got divorced when I did. I've able to enjoy the bounty that life has to offer, as has my ex-wife, finally free from the clutches of a 'relationship' that ended a long time ago.

I don't cheat on women these days. I see absolutely no benefit. The last time I did was about 5 years ago; at that point I decided that I had to grow the balls to end it and deal with the consequences; which trust me, is actually far easier in the long term that staying with someone you essentially don't really like anymore.

 

[AJ84]

She clearly likes you as she has stayed your mistress for 5 years while knowing you are not leaving your wife.
I understand the reluctanc

Be Excellent: I never told her or gave her the impression that I was going to leave my wife. Never lied to her or strung her along. She is in her 40's divorced with adult children. We have had a fun relationship and she always liked not having me full time... but lately she has hinted at being alone... not wanting to be alone.... Never putting pressure on me but you can tell she is not happy about things...

I truly care about her and want her to be happy.... I just think that setting her free she might be better off. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

That's rough. Sounds like you both have a solid connection. She clearly likes you a lot to stay your mistress for five years knowing that you were not going to end your marriage.

As much as it will suck I think letting her go is the best move if you really can't end your marriage. But there will be a void and your marriage will still be loveless. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is it not at all possible to end the marriage?

 

[highSpeed]

She clearly likes you as she has stayed your mistress for 5 years while knowing you are not leaving your wife.
I understand the reluctanc

That's rough. Sounds like you both have a solid connection. She clearly likes you a lot to stay your mistress for five years knowing that you were not going to end your marriage.

As much as it will suck I think letting her go is the best move if you really can't end your marriage. But there will be a void and your marriage will still be loveless. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is it not at all possible to end the marriage?

It's not that simple though. Sure, if I made a decision in a vacuum, then you can look at one or two factors. However, in the real world, money is an issue, a big one. Can I still live the same lifestyle that I currently live if half my income is gone? Probably not for most people. Everyone says, "Oh money isn't that important." That's BS and you know it. Money is dam well important. No one wants to be poor. Everyone wants to be rich. So saying money isn't important just isn't reality. Whether anyone wants to believe it or not, the day he walks home and says, "Honey, we have to talk. I'm ending it", that's the day the vindictive shrew appears. I'm in a loveless marriage he says. Well go home and say that, you will have a hate filled, venomous relationship with someone who has access to all of your resources and is allowed half of whatever you gained during the marriage. Now that's power. Power to control you and make you dance to her tune, whether you intend to or not. How about paying for her attorney? How about giving her half the equity in the house? How about alimony payments? How about child support? Name me one woman who won't go for those things if she can. That's a rare woman, either one you should have kept or one that has mental issues.

 

[marmel75]

It's not that simple though. Sure, if I made a decision in a vacuum, then you can look at one or two factors. However, in the real world, money is an issue, a big one. Can I still live the same lifestyle that I currently live if half my income is gone? Probably not for most people. Everyone says, "Oh money isn't that important." That's BS and you know it. Money is dam well important. No one wants to be poor. Everyone wants to be rich. So saying money isn't important just isn't reality. Whether anyone wants to believe it or not, the day he walks home and says, "Honey, we have to talk. I'm ending it", that's the day the vindictive shrew appears. I'm in a loveless marriage he says. Well go home and say that, you will have a hate filled, venomous relationship with someone who has access to all of your resources and is allowed half of whatever you gained during the marriage. Now that's power. Power to control you and make you dance to her tune, whether you intend to or not. How about paying for her attorney? How about giving her half the equity in the house? How about alimony payments? How about child support? Name me one woman who won't go for those things if she can. That's a rare woman, either one you should have kept or one that has mental issues.

Not if he is smart and opens a bank account in his name only.

 

[AJ84]

It's not that simple though. Sure, if I made a decision in a vacuum, then you can look at one or two factors. However, in the real world, money is an issue, a big one. Can I still live the same lifestyle that I currently live if half my income is gone? Probably not for most people. Everyone says, "Oh money isn't that important." That's BS and you know it. Money is dam well important. No one wants to be poor. Everyone wants to be rich. So saying money isn't important just isn't reality. Whether anyone wants to believe it or not, the day he walks home and says, "Honey, we have to talk. I'm ending it", that's the day the vindictive shrew appears. I'm in a loveless marriage he says. Well go home and say that, you will have a hate filled, venomous relationship with someone who has access to all of your resources and is allowed half of whatever you gained during the marriage. Now that's power. Power to control you and make you dance to her tune, whether you intend to or not. How about paying for her attorney? How about giving her half the equity in the house? How about alimony payments? How about child support? Name me one woman who won't go for those things if she can. That's a rare woman, either one you should have kept or one that has mental issues.

Which is why I asked if it is not at all possible rather than suggesting him to just get divorced. We don't know the details of his financial situation, or really anything other than the fact that they have kids and it's a loveless marriage.

Money does matter, but men initiate divorce in spite of that, if they are truly unhappy, so it's not always a deterrent for some men but you are right it is a risk.

 

[BeExcellent]

Things can be funny once you get out past the child rearing years.

I have a buddy in his 60s who still lives with his ex wife, they share a large house, and he thinks she's a giant witch, but they co-exist and both date other people. They have grown children together. I knew of another man who was truly in a loveless marriage for decades (he consulted with my father about getting a divorce while my father was still practicing family law) who decided just to stay married and go about his business regardless. His wife knew what he was doing. As long as she was able to do as she pleased (not sleep with him and have access to his financial support) she didn't care. It became sort of a running joke.

The wife was financially in the power position but only to a point. The husband's attitude was "sure, you can file for divorce, we can fight over everything, the lawyers will get thousands and your share of the whole will be a whole lot less than what we have going on now." The wife was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. So they remained married in name only.

I don't necessarily subscribe to those views, but they are pragmatic, and I can understand pragmatism.