BernieTrump
Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2017
- Messages
- 13
- Reaction score
- 2
- Age
- 30
I came to this forum under a different username three and a half years ago when I was struggling. I was a scrawny, anti-social kid in college who had no self confidence. The people here helped me so much, and I remember this place specifically whenever I think about the dramatic (and positive) changes that happened in my life.
Roughly three years ago, I met my girlfriend, who I dated for three years. This was the longest relationship I've had, and actually the first serious girlfriend I had. Things started out great: we were having sex almost every day (sometimes multiple times), and I genuinely enjoyed her company. We had so many things to talk about, lots of mutual friends to go out with, and we were generally just having a blast together. This is the way things continued for about eight months.
Then I graduated from college, and we entered into a long distance relationship. The relationship wasn't as great as it was during college - but she was still my best friend, and I still loved her. And she was so supportive during the long distance relationship: she would surprise me on weekends and never hesitated to come visit. We were talking on the phone every day, and the long distance relationship was generally going better than either of us thought it would.
Sometime during the middle of this year apart, things began to change. I noticed that conversations got more strained. I was busy with work and other projects, and suddenly I began to see her phone calls as more of a nuisance and inconvenience that something I genuinely looked forward to. We also began fighting quite a lot. We always had little arguments here and there, even during the "honeymoon phase," but the fights we began having during our year apart were vicious. I know this will sound awful, but one of the reasons was because she began working at her first full time job - and started complaining about it incessantly. As in would call and go on rants for hours about minutae from her day that I really didn't think were that big of a deal.
After a year of long distance, she moved to my city and we moved in together. This was my first time living with a significant other, I didn't know what to expect. But instead of feeling "elated" or "excited" about moving in together, it felt more...empty. And almost as soon as we moved in together, I could just feel the relationship becoming more and more strained. It was especially difficult for me to lose my sense of independence - coming home to someone every day was something I had never experienced before. Sometimes I just wanted to watch a show on Netflix or watch a football game or take a nap in my room without being bothered with a conversation.
Something that really began bothering me was her negative attitude and general laziness. She was taking a "gap year," and constantly complained about work, etc. She was trying to get into graduate school, and instead of working harder or doing things to improve her application, she would moan and cry about how she would "never be good enough." I did my best to be positive and help her through these things, but it was almost like she was depressed. I tried to get her to do things with me around the city - going out to clubs, walking in the park, going to baseball games, concerts, etc. But she never wanted to do much, and never wanted to work out - she probably gained 15-20 pounds from the time I first met her.
And the number of times we had sex declined dramatically. It went from 10 times per week at the beginning of the relationship to, I'm embarrassed to say, less than 10 times for this entire year. Seriously. And the fights continued. We had some huge fights this last year, even some where we yelled at each other that we were breaking up.
But by far the biggest problem, I would say, was the communication. I can count on one hand the number of times we had a real, "genuine" conversation with each other this last year. I can count on one hand the number of times we've genuinely made each other laugh during a conversation this last year. I can count on one hand the number of times we've made each other think deeply this last year. When we talk to each other, it feels like it's two people who just want to get done with the conversation and move on to something else.
To put it bluntly, the relationship just began to lack spark and passion, communication wise and physically.
Right now, I'm in a different country for work, and I have to be here for four months. I've been here for about a month, and the aspect I've really enjoyed is the independence - to make my own decisions, talk to whoever I want, or just come home and relax. I haven't thought about cheating on her or even really gotten close with any other women (although I will admit that sometimes I look at other women and wonder what it would be like to be with them or feel attraction toward them), I'm just really happy controlling my own life again. It's been like a breath of fresh air to me.
So she noticed my "distance" to her -- less frequent phone calls, less affection over text, etc.-- and we talked about it on the phone. We agreed that "taking a break" would be best, and that we could try talking again when I come back from my time abroad. This was more of a mutual thing than something that I initiated. But it feels more like a permanent break up.
I just kind of feel numb. I've been with her for three years. My life before meeting her feels like a distant memory, or a different era or place in time. We've had some great times together and many, many great memories. Her family likes me and my family likes her. We've just spent three years building something, and I don't want to feel like I've made the biggest mistake of her life.
And I just keep thinking about her good qualities in my mind. Despite our communication problems, lack of physical attraction, and general lack of spark, I still think she's amazing person. She's really supportive, unselfish, and will be successful.
I'm sorry for making this so long. I'm not even sure why I wrote this here. Maybe I wrote it just to spell out my thoughts on a page. But if anyone has any thoughts, comments, reactions, or gut-feelings, I would love to hear them. Or if anyone has advice, that would be great as well...
Roughly three years ago, I met my girlfriend, who I dated for three years. This was the longest relationship I've had, and actually the first serious girlfriend I had. Things started out great: we were having sex almost every day (sometimes multiple times), and I genuinely enjoyed her company. We had so many things to talk about, lots of mutual friends to go out with, and we were generally just having a blast together. This is the way things continued for about eight months.
Then I graduated from college, and we entered into a long distance relationship. The relationship wasn't as great as it was during college - but she was still my best friend, and I still loved her. And she was so supportive during the long distance relationship: she would surprise me on weekends and never hesitated to come visit. We were talking on the phone every day, and the long distance relationship was generally going better than either of us thought it would.
Sometime during the middle of this year apart, things began to change. I noticed that conversations got more strained. I was busy with work and other projects, and suddenly I began to see her phone calls as more of a nuisance and inconvenience that something I genuinely looked forward to. We also began fighting quite a lot. We always had little arguments here and there, even during the "honeymoon phase," but the fights we began having during our year apart were vicious. I know this will sound awful, but one of the reasons was because she began working at her first full time job - and started complaining about it incessantly. As in would call and go on rants for hours about minutae from her day that I really didn't think were that big of a deal.
After a year of long distance, she moved to my city and we moved in together. This was my first time living with a significant other, I didn't know what to expect. But instead of feeling "elated" or "excited" about moving in together, it felt more...empty. And almost as soon as we moved in together, I could just feel the relationship becoming more and more strained. It was especially difficult for me to lose my sense of independence - coming home to someone every day was something I had never experienced before. Sometimes I just wanted to watch a show on Netflix or watch a football game or take a nap in my room without being bothered with a conversation.
Something that really began bothering me was her negative attitude and general laziness. She was taking a "gap year," and constantly complained about work, etc. She was trying to get into graduate school, and instead of working harder or doing things to improve her application, she would moan and cry about how she would "never be good enough." I did my best to be positive and help her through these things, but it was almost like she was depressed. I tried to get her to do things with me around the city - going out to clubs, walking in the park, going to baseball games, concerts, etc. But she never wanted to do much, and never wanted to work out - she probably gained 15-20 pounds from the time I first met her.
And the number of times we had sex declined dramatically. It went from 10 times per week at the beginning of the relationship to, I'm embarrassed to say, less than 10 times for this entire year. Seriously. And the fights continued. We had some huge fights this last year, even some where we yelled at each other that we were breaking up.
But by far the biggest problem, I would say, was the communication. I can count on one hand the number of times we had a real, "genuine" conversation with each other this last year. I can count on one hand the number of times we've genuinely made each other laugh during a conversation this last year. I can count on one hand the number of times we've made each other think deeply this last year. When we talk to each other, it feels like it's two people who just want to get done with the conversation and move on to something else.
To put it bluntly, the relationship just began to lack spark and passion, communication wise and physically.
Right now, I'm in a different country for work, and I have to be here for four months. I've been here for about a month, and the aspect I've really enjoyed is the independence - to make my own decisions, talk to whoever I want, or just come home and relax. I haven't thought about cheating on her or even really gotten close with any other women (although I will admit that sometimes I look at other women and wonder what it would be like to be with them or feel attraction toward them), I'm just really happy controlling my own life again. It's been like a breath of fresh air to me.
So she noticed my "distance" to her -- less frequent phone calls, less affection over text, etc.-- and we talked about it on the phone. We agreed that "taking a break" would be best, and that we could try talking again when I come back from my time abroad. This was more of a mutual thing than something that I initiated. But it feels more like a permanent break up.
I just kind of feel numb. I've been with her for three years. My life before meeting her feels like a distant memory, or a different era or place in time. We've had some great times together and many, many great memories. Her family likes me and my family likes her. We've just spent three years building something, and I don't want to feel like I've made the biggest mistake of her life.
And I just keep thinking about her good qualities in my mind. Despite our communication problems, lack of physical attraction, and general lack of spark, I still think she's amazing person. She's really supportive, unselfish, and will be successful.
I'm sorry for making this so long. I'm not even sure why I wrote this here. Maybe I wrote it just to spell out my thoughts on a page. But if anyone has any thoughts, comments, reactions, or gut-feelings, I would love to hear them. Or if anyone has advice, that would be great as well...
