Telling me her job problems

[MrJack]

Ive been f*cking this girl about 3-4 times a month, known her for like 6 years but just started talking again the last 2 months after not speaking for about 4 of those years.

Anyways the last couple weeks she's been super stressed out and anxious about her job situation and lately she's been initiating text convos about how she's freaking out about it. I wokeup this morning to:

230am: I'm freaking out idk what to do.

417am: I'm totally calling in sick.

Texted her back this morning asking if she called in she said "yes I did. I really can't do this job I'm miserable but I feel so dumb for even taking it"

I'm confused how to respond to this kind of stuff as I don't want to turn into the guy she just complains about her problems to.

How do I change the subject positively?

We last chilled this past Saturday and she was saying the same stuff and I just comforted her and f*cked her shortly after.

But it's getting to be too much I can't just say the same ol shyt over and over like "oh it'll be ok blah blah"

Anyone have experience getting past this (shyt test?)

 

[logicallefty]

HB: "yes I did. I really can't do this job I'm miserable but I feel so dumb for even taking it"
LL: "then you should do your coworkers a favor and quit so they don't have to pull your weight. Plenty of jobs out there that are a better fit for you I'm sure".

 

[The Duke]

Nope, women aren't looking for advice or a fix or a solution to their problems. They just want you to be accommodating, rub their little foreheads, and have sympathy for them. Read MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS and you will understand why.

 

[Glassguy]

Her: This new job is really stressing me out and I called off sick.
Me: Head over for a quick stress relief before I have to go to my job that stresses me out sometimes also

 

[MrJack]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I believe I can handle it now

 

[sazc]

DO NOT have her around you when she's in a bad mood. Only have her around when she's in a GOOD mood. You DO NOT want to be Negatively Associated with her bad moods. When she starts her job rants either change the subject or hit the door. YOU'RE in control. Not her. She'll lighten up once she sees you're not putting up with it. If not, cut her loose. Let her complain to her girlfriends. Not you. Positive vibes only.

If she is more than a plate, making it undeniably clear that you ONLY want the female around when she is in a good mood GARANTEES that you will have a "branch swinger", of your OWN creation, very quickly.

In an actual relationship, b unless she is disfunctional, you can't ignore a females feelings and/or only have her around when she is fun. That clearly communicates you don't give a sh1t about her. She will find someone who cares, or someone who does a really good job of pretending to care. Consider the female who reason for cheating is that "he just doesn't seem to really listen to me, ever". She will find someone who does seem to care.

OP if you are frustrated with the constant conversation surrounding her job, and you want to continue to see her, tell her that you are frustrated because it doesn't seem to end, you can't solve it for her, and she doesn't seem to want to solve it for herself.

I like Lefty's response but I am a problem solver, not an emotional thinker.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Sometimes people actually have real problems they don't know how to handle on their own.

And some people, strangely enough, when sorting for potential romantic partners, want somebody who will be able to help them face the problems they can't handle on their own.

Some people ask for help too often, some people never ask for help.

If she had a flat tire and didn't know how to change it, would you refuse since helping girls in trouble is only for betas?

 

[Bible_Belt]

If she is more than a plate, making it undeniably clear that you ONLY want the female around when she is in a good mood GARANTEES that you will have a "branch swinger", of your OWN creation, very quickly.

.......I like Lefty's response but I am a problem solver, not an emotional thinker.

I agree very much with the first thing you said. The second part actually hits on a key difference between men and women. It's in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. You must be the exception to the norm, because typically women are emotional thinkers and men are problem solvers. Neither is better, they are just different. The key thing for men to understand is this: when a woman tells you her problems, she is not asking you to solve them. She just wants you to listen, and to be on her side. That's all you have to do.

 

[MrJack]

Sometimes people actually have real problems they don't know how to handle on their own.

And some people, strangely enough, when sorting for potential romantic partners, want somebody who will be able to help them face the problems they can't handle on their own.

Some people ask for help too often, some people never ask for help.

If she had a flat tire and didn't know how to change it, would you refuse since helping girls in trouble is only for betas?

IMO helping a girl out with something physical like changing a tire or installing a new appliance or something is a completely different scenario, of course I'd be willing to help with something like that.

What I'm dealing with is more of an emotional thing on her part that hasn't ended for like a week or 2, hence why it's somewhat annoying. I can't "install" a new mindset in her or if I could I'd imagine that'd be pretty difficult.

Thanks for your input though I appreciate it.

 

[Fruitbat]

What does "****, that's bad news, sorry to hear that" cost anyone?

Then turn over and go to sleep.

You don't have to be a complete pr1q, just give a token offering.

 

[sazc]

I agree very much with the first thing you said. The second part actually hits on a key difference between men and women. It's in the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. You must be the exception to the norm, because typically women are emotional thinkers and men are problem solvers. Neither is better, they are just different. The key thing for men to understand is this: when a woman tells you her problems, she is not asking you to solve them. She just wants you to listen, and to be on her side. That's all you have to do.

I'm not going to call myself the exception to anything because that feels entitled, but I definitely process things differently.

One of my girlfriend's operates/reacts mainly on how she feels about something. IMO she gets overly emotional and reactive to stupid sh1t, especially when she has larger issues to think about. She drives me crazy.

I agree, listen to what she is complaining about. If you are unsure, ASK if she wants feedback, suggestions, guidance. If she says "no" then let her complain for a while longer (maybe it will resolve)

Eventually, by all means, you have the right to tell her that she seems to be dwelling mainly on the problem, but not looking for the solution, and hearing about it over and over is very stressful on YOU, and she either needs to solve it, or you are going to have to ask her to stop taking about it ad nauseum.

The other thing we all need to contemplate is the problem solving capabilities of the people we date in relation to an LTR. If you aren't honest about your partner, and how their problem solving style makes you feel (aggravated? Annoyed?, Empowered? Confident?) In the long term you are going to have spent a lot of time with someone who is incompatible for you.

This gets back to the idea of White Knighting for a female. Are you really going to be okay being her savior for the rest of your life? Or will you get aggravated that she "still hasn't learned!"?

Standards, boundaries, screen well, know what qualities you are really looking for in a female.

 

[Fruitbat]

Sometimes people actually have real problems they don't know how to handle on their own.

And some people, strangely enough, when sorting for potential romantic partners, want somebody who will be able to help them face the problems they can't handle on their own.

Some people ask for help too often, some people never ask for help.

If she had a flat tire and didn't know how to change it, would you refuse since helping girls in trouble is only for betas?

I read this too. There is also a book called "Why men don't listen and why women can't read maps" which I think I remember being good.

It is fvcking maddening at times. It just doesn't feel right wallowing in her sulkfest.

However, it's not all that exclusive. When people die on you etc it's quite good, as a male, to have someone to talk to. Healthy even. Or even problems at work, it was good, in the few happy years I was married, to have a decent confidant. It's just when bad **** happens, initially I need to be alone, think, and work it out. THEN I might want to explain it. Women seem to run immediately to men, blurt it out, but then are reluctant to solve issues.

Then, when they do, they immediately go for the most backward and covert route by default. Anything but face things head on.

 

[MrJack]

What type of work does she do that has her all stressed out? Is she an accountant or teacher?

Nah she's in sales. She's 22 and it's her first "big girl job" I think she just quit tonight so maybe I won't have to hear about it anymore haha

 

[logicallefty]

Nah she's in sales. She's 22 and it's her first "big girl job" I think she just quit tonight so maybe I won't have to hear about it anymore haha

Shaking the magic eight ball I predict that she will start complaining to you about not having money. No money to pay her bills. No money to go out. No gas money to drive and see you. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and blah.

 

[MrJack]

Shaking the magic eight ball I predict that she will start complaining to you about not having money. No money to pay her bills. No money to go out. No gas money to drive and see you. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and blah.

LOL. That's quite plausible, I guess I'll cross that bridge at a later time.

 

[El Payaso]

Just empathize with her.

"Wow. That really sucks. It must feel really stressful and confusing."

 

[Glassguy]

When a woman is being a negative nancy, its best to make light of the situation and blow it off.

If it continues to constant b!tch and complaining sessions when she is around, just withdraw attention. When she goes on a tangent just remove yourself from the situation. If she is smart, she will quickly understand why the attention has been withdrawn and correct her behavior.

A couple of years ago my ex fiance and I were going to dinner. I picked her up, we started a 45 minute drive to a new place we were checking out that had great reviews. The entire way up she was being completely negative. Like unbearable. My attention shifted from listening to her vent to thinking "Do I really want to marry this person and how do I get out of this relationship at this point?".

As we were crossing a fairly large bridge, I pulled over and stopped (in the middle of the bridge in heavy traffic). I looked her in the eye and said "Do you see how high this bride is up from the water? I wonder what chance I would have if I got out and jumped right now? I just want to make sure I will be dead on water contact so I dont have to suffer as bad as I have been listening to you talk negatively about anything and everything for the past 45 minutes. Stop being negative or I am taking the plunge, and I dont mean the wedding".

All said with a smile/smirk on my face of course.

I am for the most part an upbeat, positive person. I have no time for someone who consistently ruins my mood with their negative thinking. Before long it spills over into your thinking, or you're miserable, and its just not worth it.

 

[MrJack]

Just empathize with her.

"Wow. That really sucks. It must feel really stressful and confusing."

That's exactly what I did but then it just keeps going (insert rolling eyes). I just stopped texting her she will get it hopefully.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Give a minimum reply related to the job stuff and just start talking about something else.

 

[Von]

Its the worst kind of situation, and what is worst is most of them (even guys)... will do NOTHING to Improve.

Every time, they come with bad vent... I tell them: Look, we are here to have fun, you have to Associate me with GOOD émotions, so keep the negativity some where else

Now, in your case, you guys have a relation (plate,dating etc...)

She's likely gonna vent on you once and a while and you stuck in listening to it... you will have to remind her to keep only positiveness with you and vent with her friends only... sometimes you will have to listen to it all and Reassure her like in a positive/soft/light fashion (like Glass wrote about him confronting the ex during her rant).... and ultimately, you will have to give her advices.

Now when you tell her advices.... if she LISTEN... you know you have her

If she flush your advice or dont follow... you know she's not emotionnally réceptive to you.... or worst...a total waste of time

There is nothing worst than people dumping each other negativeness.... it will kill your relationship, it will destroy you from the inside and turn everything into shores.

And If she is starting NOW, imagine if you LIVE with her... there will be no end.... at one point you won't want to even come home because you know after your own Stresfull day, once you open the door and she's there... you are in a 2 hours venting machine about HER problems...

I remember my ex doing that to me... never again... Oh and at one point there VENT becomes so uncontrolable that no matter what you do.. she'll unload it on you.. especially if she's lonely.

So go in preventing mode... cut her venting, reframe to positivenes your time with her, make sure she has à friend to vent too after your time with her (otherwise, she'll come back to you the next time you see her...with the SAME issues)

Its part of dating, it will happens with every girl... make sure you keep your frame, set the pattern, lead her to positiveness, make sure à friend of her is the venting canal... if she listen to you.. you know she's into you emotionnally so you on the good path with her