I was wrong, 32 days later and she contacts me

[sazc]

I wouldn't see the kid. You're not going to be in his life anymore so, if you see him, you will only prolong his pain.

At this point, IMO, the only thing you have left is the lesson. Yes, "screen the females better" but the bigger lesson is, maybe don't form a relationship with anyone kids until you KNOW this is a woman you can see yourself with for the rest of your life.

The hard part about that is that this choice can really interfere with dating someone - but that's really you being an upstanding man. Putting the childs needs above your own.

I've dated to me since I got divorced. Both met my kids. Thankfully I kept the relationship away from my kids enough that they didn't get dependent on the men. I have now realized that my kids come before a relationship. My free time for dating is limited and, any man who wants to date me, is going to have to be understanding, or move on. It's what I signed up for when I made the choice to have kids.

SHE sucks for trying to use the kid to get at you. It's super hard but, if you don't plan on being romantically involved with her, the best thing you can do is continue to create distance between you and the child. It is really for the best of the child in the long term.

 

[exhausted]

I've talked to just about anyone and everyone I can. A lot has to do being she was the first person to make me feel alive, my first love, first girl to sign a lease with and a bunch of first things were all with her. Prego twice, aborted both, that created a deep bond that I cant explain. Anyways, Ive been over for a while, now its the anger of the STD she so knowingly gave me. Its makes it almost impossible to move on. I dont want to get deep in my situation.

You are at the point where you're so angery at her behavior, you want to do all the things shes done to you back at her, to make her feel whats its like to be at the other end of her bs behavior. These types of women are good at turning a man crazy like them. I was there many times. Wanting to do what she was going to me, so can she feel the pain. But if I did, I knew she would leave, so I didn't. Thats how brainwashed I was, so much so its embarrassing looking back. Her going NC on me when she fked me over. Days went by and I was wtf, she don't call to apologize, nothing! When I went back she would just give me an amazing blow job and I'd forget all about it. When I did ask the one time why she goes silent, her response was "I figured if you wanted me back you'd call". I was a moron for going back the many times I did. It only showed her she can abuse me any way she wants and I'd stay. Cause I can tell you the things she did to me each time I went back almost anyone would have told her to go fuk herself and leave for good.

Im right there with you on how disgusted I am with life, people
and all the BS in the world today. But,

I'm with you , i was treated so terribly as well i am embarrassed too.
We kept going back because we knew deep down these girls are mentally ill, a normal person and we would walk and never look back, but even tho they treat us so bad we know they love us, and they actually do they are just damaged. So we convince ourselves they cant help it in a way.

Belive me u are not alone i found myself saying out loud, "my dad would be embarrassed to know that he raised a son who knows better than to allow a woman treat his son like this".. and i still went back!

You are not alone, it's not being weak going back, its being damaged from all their trauma..

Abortions have to be hard, on the soul as well.. you should see a professional to help deal with that alone my friend..

I am absolutely angry she never aknowledged and took responsibility for any of her stuff the last year.
I dont want her to feel but to know what she did was horrible. Well to feel it too i supoose.

 

[RedScorpion]

Yes, this is where you have to have faith in the majority of OTHER people's opinion of you, as well as your own opinion of yourself. It's difficult because of the connection built up, and 'somehow' they must know you better than yourself or everyone else.

I've had a girl recently 'love bomb' me, made me feel great, complimented me plenty. Too much so, it felt unnatural for her to be trying to praise me for absolutely nothing constantly. I also had got the same unique harrowing feeling I had from the past years ago, dealing with a very chaotic BPD girl (long story). Find out she has a boyfriend. I pull back some, to get my bearings on what is going on (also not quite happy about that revelation). She senses my pullback - switches to total ignoring and avoiding me. Silent treatment/sulking from her I think three different times. It went up and down for a bit until I finally just cut contact completely. She also fits this thread I'll link very accurately. Absent father and behaviour all. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/the-most-toxic-damaging-type-of-woman-of-them-all.239396/ I still have doubts about 'what could have been' if I hadn't backed off. But she was a major head trip, and probably the most jarring is that switch from love to total dismissal. I have no idea what's going on through her head, but at last glance, it seems she went back to la-la land with her boyfriend without a care.

Regardless, you have to have faith in the person you know you are, separate from this chick's influence and opinion. And to recognize that the problem does not lie in you. Besides possible vulnerability to such influence.

That's the one thing I think that's been positive about the experience. I've been forced to identify my own holes in my self-esteem, and put serious effort into fixing it now. Build my life up, and actually experience it, instead of lumbering through as a zombie. I know I'll be fully over her someday (which I wish I was already), but I'll be all the better because of it. It's just a matter of pushing through your own internal doubts and fears towards your chosen future, one without this displeasurable person sapping away at you - which is not to be taken as an easy thing. But it's achievable, and ultimately the best choice for you.

 

[guru1000]

Exhausted, you're a KING. And by returning to a "peasant," that is someone who is incapable of treating you as the King and someone who has wronged you nor tried to redress her wrong--you are declaring yourself of lower value, denying your higher value--thus inadvertently rejecting LIFE's grandiose plan for you. But to reach the "riches," you need to align your will with The extraordinary paradigms LIFE has in store for you.

Kings are made before the ceremony of kingsship; they are made in the mind, in your psychology, and intransigent thinking. The paradigms you choose to align with will pave the roads of your destiny. Choose wisely friend. You are GREAT. You just need to realize it and OWN it. Nostalgia is fleeting. Greatness is forever. Great people don't align with shvtty people; they reject them.

 

[noBSgames]

I smell a possible hoover routine coming.

Yep!

 

[exhausted]

I wouldn't see the kid. You're not going to be in his life anymore so, if you see him, you will only prolong his pain.

At this point, IMO, the only thing you have left is the lesson. Yes, "screen the females better" but the bigger lesson is, maybe don't form a relationship with anyone kids until you KNOW this is a woman you can see yourself with for the rest of your life.

The hard part about that is that this choice can really interfere with dating someone - but that's really you being an upstanding man. Putting the childs needs above your own.

I've dated to me since I got divorced. Both met my kids. Thankfully I kept the relationship away from my kids enough that they didn't get dependent on the men. I have now realized that my kids come before a relationship. My free time for dating is limited and, any man who wants to date me, is going to have to be understanding, or move on. It's what I signed up for when I made the choice to have kids.

SHE sucks for trying to use the kid to get at you. It's super hard but, if you don't plan on being romantically involved with her, the best thing you can do is continue to create distance between you and the child. It is really for the best of the child in the long term.

I raised my son by myself so i know the hurt kids can go thro when someone is around for years then bails... i screened her for over a year. About 18 months in bpd traits started crawling out.
I never want to hurt a child..
yea F her but what if i saw the kid every few months through her parents?.

 

[exhausted]

Yes, this is where you have to have faith in the majority of OTHER people's opinion of you, as well as your own opinion of yourself. It's difficult because of the connection built up, and 'somehow' they must know you better than yourself or everyone else.

I've had a girl recently 'love bomb' me, made me feel great, complimented me plenty. Too much so, it felt unnatural for her to be trying to praise me for absolutely nothing constantly. I also had got the same unique harrowing feeling I had from the past years ago, dealing with a very chaotic BPD girl (long story). Find out she has a boyfriend. I pull back some, to get my bearings on what is going on (also not quite happy about that revelation). She senses my pullback - switches to total ignoring and avoiding me. Silent treatment/sulking from her I think three different times. It went up and down for a bit until I finally just cut contact completely. She also fits this thread I'll link very accurately. Absent father and behaviour all. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/the-most-toxic-damaging-type-of-woman-of-them-all.239396/ I still have doubts about 'what could have been' if I hadn't backed off. But she was a major head trip, and probably the most jarring is that switch from love to total dismissal. I have no idea what's going on through her head, but at last glance, it seems she went back to la-la land with her boyfriend without a care.

Regardless, you have to have faith in the person you know you are, separate from this chick's influence and opinion. And to recognize that the problem does not lie in you. Besides possible vulnerability to such influence.

That's the one thing I think that's been positive about the experience. I've been forced to identify my own holes in my self-esteem, and put serious effort into fixing it now. Build my life up, and actually experience it, instead of lumbering through as a zombie. I know I'll be fully over her someday (which I wish I was already), but I'll be all the better because of it. It's just a matter of pushing through your own internal doubts and fears towards your chosen future, one without this displeasurable person sapping away at you - which is not to be taken as an easy thing. But it's achievable, and ultimately the best choice for you.

that's the thing, a future with her would be enjoyable yet half terrifying due to her split personality . When she goes from normal to mad or upset at the drop of a hat it made my stomach and energy drop and me sick..the day would be ruined.

 

[exhausted]

Exhausted, you're a KING. And by returning to a "peasant," that is someone who is incapable of treating you as the King and someone who has wronged you nor tried to redress her wrong--you are declaring yourself of lower value, denying your higher value--thus inadvertently rejecting LIFE's grandiose plan for you. But to reach the "riches," you need to align your will with The extraordinary paradigms LIFE has in store for you.

Kings are made before the ceremony of kingsship; they are made in the mind, in your psychology, and intransigent thinking. The paradigms you choose to align with will pave the roads of your destiny. Choose wisely friend. You are GREAT. You just need to realize it and OWN it. Nostalgia is fleeting. Greatness is forever. Great people don't align with shvtty people; they reject them.

Thanks.. well said.
I understand, being around a lowlife she will treat me like a lowlife and make me feel like one .

 

[sazc]

I raised my son by myself so i know the hurt kids can go thro when someone is around for years then bails... i screened her for over a year. About 18 months in bpd traits started crawling out.
I never want to hurt a child..
yea F her but what if i saw the kid every few months through her parents?.

Thing is you've either got to make a commitment to be IN the kids life, or stay out. Not to mention, I really think she will try to insert herself into the situation every chance she gets, which may further confuse the issue for the kid.

What about sending a birthday card every year?

 

[BeExcellent]

I wouldn't see the kid. You're not going to be in his life anymore so, if you see him, you will only prolong his pain.

At this point, IMO, the only thing you have left is the lesson. Yes, "screen the females better" but the bigger lesson is, maybe don't form a relationship with anyone kids until you KNOW this is a woman you can see yourself with for the rest of your life.

The hard part about that is that this choice can really interfere with dating someone - but that's really you being an upstanding man. Putting the childs needs above your own.

I've dated to me since I got divorced. Both met my kids. Thankfully I kept the relationship away from my kids enough that they didn't get dependent on the men. I have now realized that my kids come before a relationship. My free time for dating is limited and, any man who wants to date me, is going to have to be understanding, or move on. It's what I signed up for when I made the choice to have kids.

SHE sucks for trying to use the kid to get at you. It's super hard but, if you don't plan on being romantically involved with her, the best thing you can do is continue to create distance between you and the child. It is really for the best of the child in the long term.

This is such an important concept. Children should not meet people that a parent is dating unless/until it becomes apparent that it is going to be a marriage situation or failing that a serious monogamous LTR situation.

Children do NOT understand the rejection of one parent by the other. The children love both parents and almost without exception wish and hope that mom and dad end up back together. This is true even for adolescent and teen age children. We as parents must always understand that minor children do NOT have an adult's emotional development and/or perspective. Kids idealize things and romanticize things. So introducing children to dating situations serves to worry, hurt and destabilize children. And when and if a parent DOES move on from their relationship with the other parent such that another person (a step parent) comes into the picture, all the involved adults MUST give the emotional well being of the children the highest priority. Kids are innocent in everything the parents do, and too many parents forget this and put their own needs first, often to the detriment of the children, as in @exhausted 's case mentioned here.

I agree that a birthday card addressed to the kid is an OK way to keep in touch. Just realize that you cannot control whatever awful lies the mother is telling the child about you, and you will not be there to set the record straight (and honestly it is pointless to do so.) The most likely narrative is that YOU abandoned the child, and the child is going to believe the mom, because children believe what their mothers say. So I don't know if there is any positive effect you can have (and you'll never know if her kid is ever allowed to receive mail from you), so I'd just keep moving on, take this as a lesson learned, never get to know somebody's kids unless you have put a ring on her finger.

It's just better that way. It stinks, but that's reality. Sometimes reality is disappointing and ugly.

 

[exhausted]

This is such an important concept. Children should not meet people that a parent is dating unless/until it becomes apparent that it is going to be a marriage situation or failing that a serious monogamous LTR situation.

Children do NOT understand the rejection of one parent by the other. The children love both parents and almost without exception wish and hope that mom and dad end up back together. This is true even for adolescent and teen age children. We as parents must always understand that minor children do NOT have an adult's emotional development and/or perspective. Kids idealize things and romanticize things. So introducing children to dating situations serves to worry, hurt and destabilize children. And when and if a parent DOES move on from their relationship with the other parent such that another person (a step parent) comes into the picture, all the involved adults MUST give the emotional well being of the children the highest priority. Kids are innocent in everything the parents do, and too many parents forget this and put their own needs first, often to the detriment of the children, as in @exhausted 's case mentioned here.

I agree that a birthday card addressed to the kid is an OK way to keep in touch. Just realize that you cannot control whatever awful lies the mother is telling the child about you, and you will not be there to set the record straight (and honestly it is pointless to do so.) The most likely narrative is that YOU abandoned the child, and the child is going to believe the mom, because children believe what their mothers say. So I don't know if there is any positive effect you can have (and you'll never know if her kid is ever allowed to receive mail from you), so I'd just keep moving on, take this as a lesson learned, never get to know somebody's kids unless you have put a ring on her finger.

It's just better that way. It stinks, but that's reality. Sometimes reality is disappointing and ugly.

Well that's the thing the mom my ex messaged me sunday about missing me beyond belief and that the child has been so desperate to see me the child asked her dad to bring her to my house to visit.. i was around 3 years the dad never spoke to me once at any events, he was a trouble maker and when i showed up he quickly learned to behave and keep away from adding stress, anyways she reached out to me not me to her..
it's maybe a ploy to get my attention for her or the kid.. seems both but haven't responded or heard from her since..
i love kids.. my son was hurt young i never want to do the same to another child... when dating i told her this as it was very important to me not to bring me around the kid unless we knew this had a future..
there can never be a future with this girl with anyone with her bipolar moods, verbal and emotional abuse, no ability to aknowledge responaibilty and such...

 

[exhausted]

Thing is you've either got to make a commitment to be IN the kids life, or stay out. Not to mention, I really think she will try to insert herself into the situation every chance she gets, which may further confuse the issue for the kid.

What about sending a birthday card every year?

I never responded to her message and haven't heard anything else..

She treated me terribly I'm ridiculously pissed off at her... i don't trust anyone who purposely leaves me to suffer ignoring me.for 4 days, breaks thngs off, comes back the next day trying to be back together like things are good.. f'ing compassiononless psycho.. who treats someone they love like this?..
she probably cant get over the fact i dislike her, 3.5 years tog i was loving and caring and her rock for everyrhing ,now.she is probably panicking chitting her pants im gone..

 

[sazc]

I never responded to her message and haven't heard anything else..

She treated me terribly I'm ridiculously pissed off at her... i don't trust anyone who purposely leaves me to suffer ignoring me.for 4 days, breaks thngs off, comes back the next day trying to be back together like things are good.. f'ing companionless psycho.. who treats someone they love like this?..
she probably cant get over the fact i dislike her, 3.5 years tog i was loving and caring and her rock for everyrhing ,now.she is probably panicking chitting her pants im gone..

I would just leave it alone then. I'm pretty sure that you are going to end up the bad guy in the situation regardless of how you play it.

If you agree to see the kid, she will try to get back with you and when you say no she will make it impossible for you to se the kid and she will probably bad mouth you. As well, she is bound to get another man at some point and then she wont want you around because she will want new man to take on a significant role (she really doesn't care about how any of this impacts the kid)

I dont see a win for the kid, any way you slice it.

Sad to say but this is one of those situations where you just have to accept that it is what it is. You didn't intend for this to happen.

 

[exhausted]

I would just leave it alone then. I'm pretty sure that you are going to end up the bad guy in the situation regardless of how you play it.

If you agree to see the kid, she will try to get back with you and when you say no she will make it impossible for you to se the kid and she will probably bad mouth you. As well, she is bound to get another man at some point and then she wont want you around because she will want new man to take on a significant role (she really doesn't care about how any of this impacts the kid)

I dont see a win for the kid, any way you slice it.

Sad to say but this is one of those situations where you just have to accept that it is what it is. You didn't intend for this to happen.

It's not

I would just leave it alone then. I'm pretty sure that you are going to end up the bad guy in the situation regardless of how you play it.

If you agree to see the kid, she will try to get back with you and when you say no she will make it impossible for you to se the kid and she will probably bad mouth you. As well, she is bound to get another man at some point and then she wont want you around because she will want new man to take on a significant role (she really doesn't care about how any of this impacts the kid)

I dont see a win for the kid, any way you slice it.

Sad to say but this is one of those situations where you just have to accept that it is what it is. You didn't intend for this to happen.

I am always the bad guy to the cluster b who can NOT take responsibility or acknowledge any of her wrongdoing so at this point that does not bother me.
I feel sorry for the kid, with me out of the picture she does not win at all and I am not saying that to be spiteful . I know kids, I am good with them, raised mine 18 years on my own, helped raise my nephew a few years, both these guys are now in college. I am just naturally good with kids patience wise, I always coach sports too. The mom has no patience, I was better around her kid than she was and the dad is a pathetic loser playmate, not a fatherly figure.
The ex blew this, I wish it was my fault then I could have changed things to be better but you can only control yourself. Now I guess I am stuck with the guilt of hurting a child the same way mine was hurt when he was younger, man no matter what I set out to do in this life nothing works out no matter how hard I work, how smart I work, how diligent I am to do things right. That is a rough feeling to carry.

 

[sazc]

@exhausted I feel you, I really do. What sucks is that some kids have to grow up in dysfunctional environments, and there isnt a god damn thing you can do about it. Talk about feeling helpless. Unfortunately we all have our own life paths.

If you walk away with anything, walk away knowing that you were a comfort to that child when you were in their life and that they will grow up holding on to some of your wisdom.

 

[exhausted]

@exhausted I feel you, I really do. What sucks is that some kids have to grow up in dysfunctional environments, and there isnt a god damn thing you can do about it. Talk about feeling helpless. Unfortunately we all have our own life paths.

If you walk away with anything, walk away knowing that you were a comfort to that child when you were in their life and that they will grow up holding on to some of your wisdom.

Thanks.
I told my ex months back now she knows what to look for but it wont matter as she is a self sabotager and ruins everything.
You try to do more and be more in this life but I am going to reserve myself to staying in my own lane for now on. In this day and age of disappointing people there is not much else one can do.

 

[BeExcellent]

It's a crappy deal for the kid. But it's a lose-lose for you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You can't save everybody. It stinks. But you can't.

Sometimes life is rough. You know that we'll & you lived it with your child so your heart goes out to your ex's child.

Here's a thought. Would you be able to be a Big Brother to the kid? If so could you do that with her consent even without getting back with the mother?

You'd have to carefully consider it and set very clear boundaries. So that's an idea.

You care. That says a tremendous amount about you. You are a good man trying to do the best thing. It might be really hard, but sometimes the hard thing is the right thing.

Up to you to sort out the right thing as only you know the stakeholders.

 

[exhausted]

It's a crappy deal for the kid. But it's a lose-lose for you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You can't save everybody. It stinks. But you can't.

Sometimes life is rough. You know that we'll & you lived it with your child so your heart goes out to your ex's child.

Here's a thought. Would you be able to be a Big Brother to the kid? If so could you do that with her consent even without getting back with the mother?

You'd have to carefully consider it and set very clear boundaries. So that's an idea.

You care. That says a tremendous amount about you. You are a good man trying to do the best thing. It might be really hard, but sometimes the hard thing is the right thing.

Up to you to sort out the right thing as only you know the stakeholders.

Good question, the mother, my ex has always been emotional and unreasonable about every single thing in life so I am not sure. If she wants me back then she would be open to me seeing the kid and I would guess that would be a way for her to get to me. If she did not want me back then she would find any way, even dishonest, to blame me and hate me and not want me around the kid for any reason. She is more selfish than she is honest or honorable.
That is itself I guess my answer. I have not heard since the first message which kind of surprises me, though maybe she is terrified of any more rejection.
I could call the grandma, my ex's mom who loved me dearly, and see if I could set something up about swinging by and seeing the kid, though they live there at that house so I would have to ask the grandma to tell her daughter my ex to leave if I did not want to be around her, that is kind rude.