The Attention-Seeking Woman: Behind the Behavior

[slikkmeister]

I wasted a year of my life on an AW. I think this is a good, if not, great post! If only had I read it sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of money and headaches. I know a lot of people on here call stuff out, about post being AFC or white knight...Whatever, then why are you here at all, if not to learn and teach, so others don't fall into the same ****ty scenario. My best advice in dealing with an attention ***** if you think you have one. Get some booty from her, treat her like a jerk. She expects this already! If she comes back, use her for sex again and next her and forget she ever existed. Don't keep stringing them along forever. It's not worth it in the long run. They usually all have mental problems bigger than the AW'ing...

 

[skinnyguy]

OP is spending way too much time analyzing these slvts. If you don't like them ignore them. If you're sitting there being bitter, they have won over you.

Every where you go, you should think "I'm the shyt" or "I'm a baller". Then these type of women will seem so insignificant to you because you know you can do much better.

 

[Eph]

old, but gold.

 

[Don-Kong]

This is why the weeding out process is important.
Her behaviours will indicate her subtle beliefs about herself, others and her world.

Looking back at the AW and ASW, we would see core beliefs that say:

I am unlovable
I am unworthy
I am alone

From a psychodynamic perspective, the ASW/AW would not even be aware of these behaviours like what we can see. Its innate and deep. Probably due to the mother/father relationships early on in devlopment where relationships get their blueprints. We could hypothesise that the mother was always busy or never around to show affection. The father was maybe absent or working.

The ASW/AW craves attention because it is how she validates her experience. To feel worth she must overrcompensate by doing things that 'get her notice'. Hey look at me, because innatley she feels unseen, unheard, unloved, unworthy.

She will relate to guys as archytypes. They will appear as a father figure but she will not see it as such. If they blow cold, she will want that attention daddy or mummy never gave. I've seen loads of girls who said they married their husband because they reminded them of their dad or brother, weird but understandable on the subconscious level, which is what Freud was all about.

She doesnt really know what she wants. If you give her what she thinks she wants, ie security, love and companionship, she may reject it, because she does not believe on some level that she deserves it, she has never had it so she may reject you, the guy being good enough to give it. Nuts.

 

[See]

Thank You very much for this information. Very well explained and now everything makes sense.

 

[jhdjhdjhd]

I know the original post is from back in 2013, so maybe nobody is going to actually see this. But the post was incredibly validating for me, and I wanted to share a few crazy anecdotes from my 3-year relationship with an attention-seeking woman...

One of the most ****ed up, but also most revealing anecdotes occurred when we were at a resort in Mexico, about 1.5 years into the relationship. We were in a hot tub and drinking a lot, so she was being really open and uninhibited. We were sharing our sexual fantasies and she was reluctant to share hers, but I encouraged her, assuming they would be a little kinky and maybe fun to play out. But her fantasy totally ****ed with my head. She disclosed that sometimes when we were having sex she imagined that an ex-boyfriend (it could be any of them, she said) was watching us having sex and masturbating. In other words, not only was her arousal based on my desire for her and NOT her own desire for me (the one-way street that the original post talked about), she was actually getting off on imagining BOTH me AND an ex-boyfriend desiring her at the same time, and knowing that the ex-boyfriend still wanted her but couldn't have her.

Now listen to this... After hearing that fantasy, I woke up early the next morning and took her phone and read her texts. There was a guy who she had told me was only a friend, who had been her friend before we met, and who - I knew - she continued to be friends with. She had gone out alone with him a couple times during our relationship, and I trusted it was purely platonic. But I found texts from about 4 months into our relationship where he was outrageously flirting with her about wanting to have sex with her and telling her how hot she is (and she is really hot), and she was really into it during that text conversation, flirting back with him, calling him "handsome," and even said "You always want what you can't have." (She never acted upon her interest in him, and was never unfaithful to me with anyone, but of course that's not the goal for an ASW, it's just to know guys want her.) And here's the punchline ... she had actually been planning to take me with her to his birthday party during the week we ended up in Mexico, but then we planned this last-minute vacation so we couldn't go. So, stop and think about this. She was going to take me to this guy's party where she would know from these past texts that he was attracted to her and wanted her, and he would know that, but I wouldn't know that, I would just be the sucker next to her, and she could enjoy him watching her with me and wishing he could be with her. JUST LIKE THE SEXUAL FANTASY!!

One more anecdote, so small but SO revealing. We took her leased Nissan to be serviced at a Nissan dealership and she finished the paperwork with the guy behind the counter. She was wearing her workout clothes, with tight exercise pants (she had a flawless ass and legs). As we walked out, she turned around quickly, then turned back (I can only speculate why) and said to me, "Oh my god I just caught that guy totally checking out my ass." So I assumed she was offended and grossed out that a car dealership guy was checking her out so obviously after she had just finished interacting with him as a customer, and I said, "Yuck." And she said, "No, I like it! I'm 50 years old and I like knowing that guys still find me attractive." Again, think about this. My attraction and attention isn't enough. It's not enough that I think she's sexy and beautiful and show her that in many ways. She NEEDS other men to show her that they think she's hot to feel good about herself, and she doesn't care WHO it comes from (a guy at a car dealership is fine), and doesn't care if I'm standing right there next to her, and doesn't even realize that telling me all of this feels really ****ty to me. And she's oblivious because she doesn't understand any of what's going on for her. She doesn't see the connection between her father abandoning her and her family when she was a kid, she doesn't see how pathetic her need for male attention is, she doesn't see why it would hurt me for her to need more attention than just mine. And how sick that someone so hot actually needs constant affirmation that she's hot and doesn't feel good about herself without that affirmation!

I could go on and on and on about the **** that happened, but those are two great examples. I hope this continues to help validate guys who have been the victims of attention-seeking women. One last thought ... if you know this is your girlfriend's deal, get out. Seriously. You will not change her. You will not get her to see herself. She will always need outside attention. Even if she doesn't act on it, it will slowly demean you, emasculate you, and break you down. I stayed for way too long, and in the end it was actually unfair to her because she invested her whole life in believing we were getting married, and I finally realized I did not want to be in this kind of relationship and left and broke her heart. I should have left way before she got so invested, I should have trusted my instincts and that inner voice. Good luck!!

 

[fastlife]

Great thread. Timely bump. Dealing with a girl like this currently (I know what shes about--since I've spun tires with girls like her in the past). But damn if she doesn't play the game well.

@jhdjhdjhd Having been down this road before myself, you made the right call. These girls don't change. Some of them still hit me up from time to time years later (boyfriends, fiances, etc. be damned). And the worst part, is that a lot of them have really wonderful qualities--they're smart, socially savvy, hot, usually good in bed--BUT you can't ignore the BUTs. You can't indulge a hypothetical past where they didn't get fvcked up by the circumstances of their upbringing.

It is what it is. It's like if you bought a used Ferrari with a seized engine--Yeah, it'd be a great car IF ONLY THE ENGINE WORKED AND THE PRIOR OWNER TOOK BETTER CARE OF IT. Well, the engine doesn't work & all it will ever be is a pretty, dysfunctional piece of potential.

The quicker you can accept her for who she is the quicker you'll be able to emotionally process all this. Enjoy the good times; appreciate the lessons she teaches you; and leave her to the hands of the universe.

 

[bigneil]

• I agree that they didn't get enough attention from daddy. It doesn't mean something is wrong with her. She might know that her father can rescue her.
• I disagree that they don't enjoy the sex. On the contrary, they enjoy it obsessively because they are fulfilling that forbidden taboo of being with their father. Oh if only I had recorded some audio with my last girl I could prove it. I wanted to secretly record her and sell it for porn overdub. I never heard any girl sound sexier.

 

[JonnyD123]

I know the original post is from back in 2013, so maybe nobody is going to actually see this. But the post was incredibly validating for me, and I wanted to share a few crazy anecdotes from my 3-year relationship with an attention-seeking woman...

One of the most ****ed up, but also most revealing anecdotes occurred when we were at a resort in Mexico, about 1.5 years into the relationship. We were in a hot tub and drinking a lot, so she was being really open and uninhibited. We were sharing our sexual fantasies and she was reluctant to share hers, but I encouraged her, assuming they would be a little kinky and maybe fun to play out. But her fantasy totally ****ed with my head. She disclosed that sometimes when we were having sex she imagined that an ex-boyfriend (it could be any of them, she said) was watching us having sex and masturbating. In other words, not only was her arousal based on my desire for her and NOT her own desire for me (the one-way street that the original post talked about), she was actually getting off on imagining BOTH me AND an ex-boyfriend desiring her at the same time, and knowing that the ex-boyfriend still wanted her but couldn't have her.

Now listen to this... After hearing that fantasy, I woke up early the next morning and took her phone and read her texts. There was a guy who she had told me was only a friend, who had been her friend before we met, and who - I knew - she continued to be friends with. She had gone out alone with him a couple times during our relationship, and I trusted it was purely platonic. But I found texts from about 4 months into our relationship where he was outrageously flirting with her about wanting to have sex with her and telling her how hot she is (and she is really hot), and she was really into it during that text conversation, flirting back with him, calling him "handsome," and even said "You always want what you can't have." (She never acted upon her interest in him, and was never unfaithful to me with anyone, but of course that's not the goal for an ASW, it's just to know guys want her.) And here's the punchline ... she had actually been planning to take me with her to his birthday party during the week we ended up in Mexico, but then we planned this last-minute vacation so we couldn't go. So, stop and think about this. She was going to take me to this guy's party where she would know from these past texts that he was attracted to her and wanted her, and he would know that, but I wouldn't know that, I would just be the sucker next to her, and she could enjoy him watching her with me and wishing he could be with her. JUST LIKE THE SEXUAL FANTASY!!

One more anecdote, so small but SO revealing. We took her leased Nissan to be serviced at a Nissan dealership and she finished the paperwork with the guy behind the counter. She was wearing her workout clothes, with tight exercise pants (she had a flawless ass and legs). As we walked out, she turned around quickly, then turned back (I can only speculate why) and said to me, "Oh my god I just caught that guy totally checking out my ass." So I assumed she was offended and grossed out that a car dealership guy was checking her out so obviously after she had just finished interacting with him as a customer, and I said, "Yuck." And she said, "No, I like it! I'm 50 years old and I like knowing that guys still find me attractive." Again, think about this. My attraction and attention isn't enough. It's not enough that I think she's sexy and beautiful and show her that in many ways. She NEEDS other men to show her that they think she's hot to feel good about herself, and she doesn't care WHO it comes from (a guy at a car dealership is fine), and doesn't care if I'm standing right there next to her, and doesn't even realize that telling me all of this feels really ****ty to me. And she's oblivious because she doesn't understand any of what's going on for her. She doesn't see the connection between her father abandoning her and her family when she was a kid, she doesn't see how pathetic her need for male attention is, she doesn't see why it would hurt me for her to need more attention than just mine. And how sick that someone so hot actually needs constant affirmation that she's hot and doesn't feel good about herself without that affirmation!

I could go on and on and on about the **** that happened, but those are two great examples. I hope this continues to help validate guys who have been the victims of attention-seeking women. One last thought ... if you know this is your girlfriend's deal, get out. Seriously. You will not change her. You will not get her to see herself. She will always need outside attention. Even if she doesn't act on it, it will slowly demean you, emasculate you, and break you down. I stayed for way too long, and in the end it was actually unfair to her because she invested her whole life in believing we were getting married, and I finally realized I did not want to be in this kind of relationship and left and broke her heart. I should have left way before she got so invested, I should have trusted my instincts and that inner voice. Good luck!!

Holy f*ck man this was severely eye opening for me. I feel like we could swap stories for days.

 

[exhausted]

Seems like these girls also crave negative attention. They have a poor self image, and when you bring that out by being a jerk, being cold, in a sick way it seems to turn them on.

I've been dealing with a girl like this for a few months. Thought she was an adult, but she isn't. And like the OP says, when they are hot, it's hard to shut them out.

They seek your attention. The more you hold out, the more they want it. When you finally "give in", and lighten up around them a little, they feel they are validated. You think you are connecting in some way, but all your'e doing is making them feel good about their looks or whatever, they've gotten you to trust them (validation), so they split.

The way you get them to be around you again, is to be mean. Coldly ignore them while they sit right next to you. Say mean things to them, be totally indifferent, and it's like they are hypnotized by this, in a sick way. The worse your treatment of them, the more you can bet you'll be seeing of them. It's messed up.

I think a lot of guys think they can break through this cycle, change the girl. I don't think you can. I agree that they are incapable of adult, mature relationships with men. They pretend that's what they want, but when they get a taste of it, your value in their eyes decreases.

It's a shame. The only guy that can really get involved with a girl like this (beyond just sex) is probably just as messed up.

Fact. Be a nice guy and they will treast you like chit until they are 34 years old

Be a half jerk half fun **** and you are golden.

Girls are dumb as all chit when u break it down

 

[derby1]

mine had a bloke miles away ask her for pics of her in her bridesmaid outfit, she blocked him "HES a ****ING WEIRDO SHE SAID"................a month later he was liking her stuff again ......................................

 

[exhausted]

This is why the weeding out process is important.
Her behaviours will indicate her subtle beliefs about herself, others and her world.

Looking back at the AW and ASW, we would see core beliefs that say:

I am unlovable
I am unworthy
I am alone

From a psychodynamic perspective, the ASW/AW would not even be aware of these behaviours like what we can see. Its innate and deep. Probably due to the mother/father relationships early on in devlopment where relationships get their blueprints. We could hypothesise that the mother was always busy or never around to show affection. The father was maybe absent or working.

The ASW/AW craves attention because it is how she validates her experience. To feel worth she must overrcompensate by doing things that 'get her notice'. Hey look at me, because innatley she feels unseen, unheard, unloved, unworthy.

She will relate to guys as archytypes. They will appear as a father figure but she will not see it as such. If they blow cold, she will want that attention daddy or mummy never gave. I've seen loads of girls who said they married their husband because they reminded them of their dad or brother, weird but understandable on the subconscious level, which is what Freud was all about.

She doesnt really know what she wants. If you give her what she thinks she wants, ie security, love and companionship, she may reject it, because she does not believe on some level that she deserves it, she has never had it so she may reject you, the guy being good enough to give it. Nuts.

Most women whonhave good fathers and good brothers seek that type of a man for a husband.

I have 3 sisters, they have all mentioned an interest in men similar to me and my dad.

My little sister married a man 2 years ago very similar to me, athlete and played college baseball and beyond, very family oriented and literally only has sisters as siblings. It makes sense to be attracted to that when they have had great relationships and admiration for a father or brother who are honorable and trustworthy.

 

[resilient]

mine had a bloke miles away ask her for pics of her in her bridesmaid outfit, she blocked him "HES a ****ING WEIRDO SHE SAID"................a month later he was liking her stuff again ......................................

His thirst level is above 9000.

 

[derby1]

trouble is she didnt even know these people they were miles away it served no purpose whatsoever if anything caused her a load of hassle cause i ended up having an affair through it

 

[derby1]

Addicted to narcissistic supply, like a drug addict. It's not hypergamy.

understand the narcassist part..... not clear on what the last part gots to do with it? do you mean even though i was a better catch than these men she still needs there validation ? cause rest assured they were complete cretins and lived miles and miles away.....just to clarify she wasnt financially driven or need funding from me tbf...also i feel like there was two versions of her, the real life her who was ok to be around, but then there was the her behind her phone a vile piece of social media ****

 

[Who Dares Win]

As if I have to be a psychologist not only to bang them without troubles but also to fix the mess they have in their heads.

 

[derby1]

Yes that's right. They need attention as a drug. In fact, the lower the man the more worshipful he is of her. Different men to validate her in different ways is the order of the day.

I knew she needed attention and i used to even laugh at her as we still meet up at times id jokingly say "nice to see your efforts have landed you a partner out of baywatch etc"

i treated her quite awfully and sexed her good, yet she always comes back!!!!! so am i like her KING so to speak?

 

[derby1]

She has abandonment issues so you are triggering that, she has to come back reactively (but then push you away later)

i agree she always does... she mentions how she cant meet anyone as exciting but as horrible at the same time as me and within 3 weeks shes gone again, take in mind she doesnt breadcrumb me that much She actually comes round to mine at her own expense etc

 

[SteveSDCA]

Someone may well have already covered this, but i wanted to offer my observations on the phenomenon we men on this forum often refer to as "the Attention Wh*re". (AW). I would rather call her the Attention-Seeking Woman (ASW). Recently, I myself have been a "victim" of one. My "victimization" has been the result of my own blind choosing until just recently, when I stopped and went to a different place inside to examine what is going on with this kind of woman.

We men are capable of moving to the next level if we are just willing to surrender to reality...

There is a reason behind every behavior. Just as immature men (AFC's) approach women for feminine validation, immature women (ASW's) use men for masculine validation. Western society is JAM-PACKED with ASW's. The female nature is, by default, attention-seeking until it matures. Just as the immature man has to learn courage, the immature woman has to learn self-worth apart from the male. Our society does not make this easy. Hell, the magazine racks at the supermarket checkout lanes are a sickening testament to this.

The ASW is still a little girl when it comes to men. She is the daughter of an emotionally-absent man incapable or unwilling to display affection (indication of value). As many of us know, such men are not uncommon. Throughout her childhood, the ASW's father failed to validate her (through demonstrations of affection) and failed to cultivate an emotionally healthy relationship with her.

When you meet that ASW, she is still seeking that missing validation. She is not yet a mature woman and, hence, is not able to respond to men as a woman. A mature woman does not approach men for father-like validation; rather, she approaches men to express her female nature and sexuality. This is her response to male action. She responds to men from a position of security in herself and her worth - her value.

Attention-seeking women do not yet know their worth. Seeing this, we recognize that “Attention Wh*res” are not to be despised, but rather pitied. We further their dysfunction and immaturity when we men play games with them and use them for sex. We don’t break the cycle, we cynically continue it with each selfish game we play. When an ASW has sex with you, she is not really enjoying herself. Oh, there might be some physical pleasure, but she could be experiencing so much more by truly responding to the man from a place of female maturity. But, she’s really taking from you when she “gives” you sex. She’s taking your attention. She’s not interacting with you. Interaction is a two-way thing. With attention-seeking women, the sexual energy only goes one way – from you to her. You are not a man to the attention-seeking woman. You are just a source of male validation. She wants to finally know that she has value, but she’s going outside herself instead of going inside herself for that validation. Know this and remember this when you next encounter an Attention-Seeking Woman.

Being used by an ASW is an empty, empty feeling. Using her back is just as empty. There are countless stories on this forum that will attest to that. The ASW will only face her immaturity when we men deny her the attention she craves with strength and maturity. We are not the source of her value. We need to make that clear to her. If she's hot, and the ASW usually is, denying her can be a real challenge to our manhood. It's not easy, I can attest to that, but if we are self-aware, we know what kind of woman is capable of giving us the experience we are seeking.

I just went through this. And it was only for 4 weeks. She was in town for work for several months and I met her a month before she left. It went from dating to just fooling around to being over in just 4 weeks. Once she felt validated because I showed feelings it was all over. She was 20 years younger than me. There's the Daddy syndrome for you. It hit me one night that she was just like an ex of mine. No not all of my ex's were like this. I have to admit I have sought the same kind of validation through women before. At least now I know only I can do that.