Struggling with Oneitis & NC

[Jifto]

I was dating this girl for around 5 months and things seemed to start off great. She was quick to fall in love, tell me how wonderful I was etc. but then it all went to hell. I was suddenly subjected to weeks of verbal abuse and really crazy mood swings. She told me she couldn't commit to me and was going to hook up with another dude and that I wasn't as good as her exes (in pretty much every way possible).

I finally stood up for myself and ended it. I was angry, but not angry at her and told her that it was over. She left and sent me a message / tried to call but I didn't answer. That was 3 weeks ago. Now I'm lonely as hell, not doing well with online dating, and wondering if I'll ever be with someone as good looking as she is again (I know this is shallow, but its how I feel).

There are two possibilities. I'll never hear from her again (most likely) or I will. Both scare the **** outta me.

I'm trying to read a ton of materials I've seen referenced here and TRP (all the usual stuff), am working out everyday, am trying to go on dates from OLD etc.

I'm not going to contact her, I'm just not, but I'm struggling with the reality of the situation.

 

[Fzatf]

Props to you ending an unhealthy relationship. Don't worry about whether a toxic b!tch is as hot as you can get. It's not like you wanted to stay with her anyway. Hot chicks come and go but you have to find one who respects you. I know it sucks being alone, but think of it as a victory compared to the alternative. It's temporary loneliness while you find a girl worth your time.

 

[soulforge]

I was dating this girl for around 5 months and things seemed to start off great. She was quick to fall in love, tell me how wonderful I was etc. but then it all went to hell. I was suddenly subjected to weeks of verbal abuse and really crazy mood swings. She told me she couldn't commit to me and was going to hook up with another dude and that I wasn't as good as her exes (in pretty much every way possible).

I finally stood up for myself and ended it. I was angry, but not angry at her and told her that it was over. She left and sent me a message / tried to call but I didn't answer. That was 3 weeks ago. Now I'm lonely as hell, not doing well with online dating, and wondering if I'll ever be with someone as good looking as she is again (I know this is shallow, but its how I feel).

There are two possibilities. I'll never hear from her again (most likely) or I will. Both scare the **** outta me.

I'm trying to read a ton of materials I've seen referenced here and TRP (all the usual stuff), am working out everyday, am trying to go on dates from OLD etc.

I'm not going to contact her, I'm just not, but I'm struggling with the reality of the situation.

Trust mr bro.. staying with a toxic woman, or a woman who does not treat you well, can destroy you..

I am talking from experience.. the longer you stay, the more your confidence, self esteem will be damaged..

It's really tough dumping a hot chick, or someone you are very attracted to... but what alternative do you have..

Girls who treat you this poor, eventually end up leaving you anyway!

You would be dumped, damaged and scarred..

You need to stand up for yourself and walk away on your terms!

 

[Dingo]

Go top top of page and read the "No Contact" Challenge....

Learn it.... Know it... Live it...

It's going to be hard but you will be OK...

 

[wifehunter]

Been there...

Focus and develop your strengths.

Consider this a learning experience, but one you won't want to repeat.

In the long run...ex-ing a low value girl, adds to your value. Also next time, you'll know when to leave quickly, and with minimal pain.

 

[resilient]

OP, don't be freaked if she contacts or doesn't contact.

“You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.”~Brue Lee​

The fact that you ended it, elevates you back into your reality. You didn't like where things were heading, the verbal abuse, the threat from her looking to hook up with an orbiter were all jabs at you.

You walked away and are hitting up OLD to get plates spinning again.

Keep hitting the gym, hang out with the bros, and start or return to the hobbies you're passionate about.

As @Dingo said, use the NC thread at the top of the Don Juan discussion forum if you're having trouble coping. It's a great thread to read what other DJs went through or are going through and getting a life back together.

One day a time, brother.

 

[soulforge]

Been there...

Focus and develop your strengths.

Consider this a learning experience, but one you won't want to repeat.

In the long run...ex-ing a low value girl, adds to your value. Also next time, you'll know when to leave quickly, and with minimal pain.

this is why ejecting, sooner rather than later is KEY

your gut instinct knows something is wrong.. the red flags are there, you just need to find the courage to do something about it

 

[bigneil]

"Weeks of verbal abuse"?

How does this happen unless you originally put up with days, hours and minutes of verbal abuse? It sounds like she was begging you to end it and you sat there and took it. It's impossible for her to ever respect you now. Walk away and never look back.

Hurt me twice shame on me.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I'm in a mild, albeit similar situation so I can relate to you OP.

Watch their actions, not their words.

Do you really want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with you?

Do you really want the validation of someone who treats you like an option so you can feel better about yourself?

If you had the pick of the litter of multiple other equally beautiful women, would you tolerate her behaviour?

If you said yes to anyone of these, time for inner game and self improvement.

When you chase women to fulfill your needs, you are hunting.

When you chase women for emotional validation, you were the prey who got hunted.

 

[bigneil]

Once you get your dream girl to do anything for you, it puts in perspective how much crap we tend to put up with.

I was surprised by some of the crap my girl tried to get me to put up with before I ended things. Most men would have not only put up with it, but acted surprised when she ended it.

Ultimately, you're either her #1 man or not. There is no mistaking the difference, but we eventually lose the ring.

 

[RangerMIke]

Women who change and start acting like this are trying to push you away. All this means is that she is a typical woman. Don't read more into that than it is. The best way to avoid abusive behavior from chicks is to just walk away when this starts. But typically what happens with dudes is we try and 'fix it', we start becoming simps and kissing her @ss, give her sh!t.... and work hard to keep her happy... none of that works... all it does is cause her to respect you less. Women CAN NOT love a man they do not respect. All that is going to happen is the abuse get's worst and worst, until you FINALLY get the message and leave.

Advice to the OP... go make dates and start going out with other women, plural. It is the only way to get over this funk quickly. Otherwise get busy with your life... focus on self improvement.. go take dance lessons, yoga, any activity that causes you to get out and be with other people. Don't get into a rut where you are working, going home to drink a case of beer, and play xBox....

 

[bigneil]

This is hard to swallow but very true

There is one last hope - that A) you handle this properly and she reconsiders, B) you work out, and C) you spend 30 days away and return looking noticeably better.

 

[wifehunter]

this is why ejecting, sooner rather than later is KEY

your gut instinct knows something is wrong.. the red flags are there, you just need to find the courage to do something about it

My gut instinct has been wrong on many occasions. I have to rely in 'outside forces' to determine when too eject. These days, I keep my hand on the eject button, so when the time comes, there's little to keep me around.

 

[lizardking82]

OP, been there, done that. I know it's scare at first, but it;s gonna be fine, dude. 5 months is "nothing", you will be unhooked from her come the end of summer probably. In the meantime, I share the advice of some other members here, go do your thing, something you love. Go do something you wanted to try. Go meditate, be with yourself (I am big time on this one). If you don't wanna date chicks for a while, don't, there's none telling you you have to.

But whatever you do, you now know she's a toxic person. This doesn't have almost anything to do with you, it's just that the honeymoon period was over and her monster face showed, that's all. Take it easy, bro, we're here for you.

 

[RangerMIke]

Dam this is so true and a piece i learned later in life. Its a great indicator that action is required.
What is the best action as soon as you get a slight wiff of this?

It really all depends on what your relationship is:

God forbid if you are married, well you just have to give her space, she starts acting up just tell you've leaving, grab you keys and go. Tell her you will be back and you will talk to her later when things have settled... if you come back and she still a b!tch, rinse and repeat.... one of either two things is going to happen, sh!t gets worst which means your marriage is over, and you just need to pull the trigger and kill it, or she will settle down, knowing you will walk away from disrespect.

If she is a serious girl friend or LTR, same as above, only you will not rinse and repeat too much. Depending on how much you have invested in the relationship, you want to put a timeline on how much time you want to waste on a chick with growing LI.

Any other situation, you walk away and start dating other women. If she likes you she will be back.. if not you're passed the point of no return and she's moved on to another dude. Regardless... you do not hope she will come back, you should not give a fvck if she comes back or not... she is no different than other chicks, just go get another one.

 

[RangerMIke]

The import thing to always remember about ALL CHICKS, is that their NATURE is to avoid responsibility, disloyalty, and hyper-gamy. Some women can over come their instincts with social conditioning, and living in a society that holds them accountable for their behavior. Western liberalism and feminism has eliminated all barriers to instinctual female behavior.

A chick will cheat on you and leave you in a heartbeat if she doesn't think you are the best she can do, and she has other options, and today's society will cheer her on as she "gets her grove on. You go Girl!". If you are one of those guys that really wants a long term thing with a chick, then you better be prepared to be the VERY BEST man you can be. Stay in shape, work on your career, be ambitious... act like a man, and this will improve your chances of hanging onto her... but in today's society there are no guarantees... so be prepared at any moment to walk away and date other chicks... this will help you because your relationship chick will see that you have options, which makes you more attractive and likely to stay with you.

 

[Jifto]

Props to you ending an unhealthy relationship. Don't worry about whether a toxic b!tch is as hot as you can get. It's not like you wanted to stay with her anyway. Hot chicks come and go but you have to find one who respects you. I know it sucks being alone, but think of it as a victory compared to the alternative. It's temporary loneliness while you find a girl worth your time.

Thanks Fzatf. I've been through breakups before and everyone is unique. This one is odd because I can IMMEDIATELY rationalize how bad she is for me, but there's still some weird draw to her. All my other 'serious' breakups have left me with thoughts of doubt. There's no doubt here, so I can't logically explain why it's got me down.

 

[Jifto]

Trust mr bro.. staying with a toxic woman, or a woman who does not treat you well, can destroy you..

I am talking from experience.. the longer you stay, the more your confidence, self esteem will be damaged..

It's really tough dumping a hot chick, or someone you are very attracted to... but what alternative do you have..

Girls who treat you this poor, eventually end up leaving you anyway!

You would be dumped, damaged and scarred..

You need to stand up for yourself and walk away on your terms!

Thanks man. It's one of my points of pride that I was able to be the one to walk away. I feel like it was inevitable too. It's funny. In her one text (war and peace) after we broke up she tried to "claim the breakup" by saying she knew it was time to end it. F you! haha

 

[Jifto]

"Weeks of verbal abuse"?

How does this happen unless you originally put up with days, hours and minutes of verbal abuse? It sounds like she was begging you to end it and you sat there and took it. It's impossible for her to ever respect you now. Walk away and never look back.

Hurt me twice shame on me.

Thanks for the reply Bigneil. I always appreciate your posts. Here's the thing with the weeks of verbal abuse: She would be nasty, cold, or unresponsive, but then follow it with lavish apologies, great sex, etc. Just three days before the breakup, she laid it on heavier than she ever had. She had looked me in the eyes and spent hours telling me how much she loved me and how bad she wanted to be with me. That was gone the next day though...

 

[attic]

Thanks Fzatf. I've been through breakups before and everyone is unique. This one is odd because I can IMMEDIATELY rationalize how bad she is for me, but there's still some weird draw to her. All my other 'serious' breakups have left me with thoughts of doubt. There's no doubt here, so I can't logically explain why it's got me down.

You are drawn to a girl who treated you like ****.

I've been there a few times. Last one I dated dropped me like a hat via txt and then turned it around on me and claimed I abandoned her (she accused me of this), then when I called her on her BS she said I was twisting things around. When you care about a woman, this kind of **** will really mess you up. Perhaps you sense how messed up she is and this makes you curious to understand why.

When I looked inside, it was hard. I rationalized a lot to avoid taking responsibility and changing myself for the better.


Read about BPD and NPD and cut off all contact for awhile. Sounds like this girl will contact you again. Only strong response is a non response.