Hi guys, newbie here to PUA, getting the slow-fade and being ghosted after 2nd daye. Advice please?

Ckowalsky

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Any advice and even criticisms are welcome as I am still somewhat on a learning curve, but here is the background:
Girl just split with her ex a month ago, I split with mine a month ago as well. She admits missing him, but toxic relationship. Here are the sequence of events:

1. Came across a long time acquaintance at a bar two Sat nights ago, we chatted had a few drinks.

2. By the end of the night, after plenty drinks, I apparently kino'd and touched her ass (she liked it, more on that later).

3. I then kissed her before she left (she did not resist).

4. Her ex ended up being there to pick her up (she asked him to, prior to us kissing), and saw everything that happened.

5. He went all up in my face and got pissed, I apologized politely, him and her moved on (I was already pretty lit at that point as well, my mistake).

6. Sunday noon, I fb messaged her with a smiley face wink.

7. She reaponds right away saying "haha how are you, etc." Then small talked.

8. Next day I messaged her again joking "u recovered?" Then we chatted with more detail regarding sat night. She asks what was up with me touching her butt sat night, i told her i was just having a blast, she says "i know", and i joked, etc. and we addressed the kiss. i just said that I did not see anything wrong with it. And she AGREES. and she says that helped her finally get rid of her ex out of her life. We chatted more on emotional level, she says she misses being in a relaionship, ended the chat good til night, she said it was nice chatting with me today.

9. We chatted again next day, at night she was having wine while we were messaging, and she mentions that someday 'someone' will see the good on her, i said 'maybe' and she says 'yes maybe'. She also says that for a strong woman she gets overwhelmed like this sometimes. We said goodnight, good chat.

10. She asks me to hang out friday night.

11. Came to her place, had drinks , went to the same bar we met last week, made out, she opened up to me saying that she is worried about me still being roommates with my ex. I aknowledged and was respectful. We went back to her place, made out again and went to bed tired, no sex.
I forgot to bring condoms and joked about it nonchalantly. She also joked about how I already assumed that we were going to have sex (maybe she felt hurt or 'easy'? about that?). Anyway, we made out a little. more in bed, although i was a little bit rough and bit her too hard, my bad. Overall good night, we fell asleep, made out again a little in the morning in her bed before i left.

12. Next day, she kept messaging me, and chatted with me relentlessy, very interested more than before, and she even joked 'dont forget to bring condoms' before she even asked if I would like to hang out again tonight. She even offered to pick me up. I agreed, but said that my uber budget is capped so i'd need a ride back in the morning (not sure if i got too demanding or entitled with this). She said she has no problem picking me up and dropping me off. We agreed, scheduled pick up.

13. She picked me up and we got stuff from the store including wine, then relaxed at her house watching tv while she showed some of her pictures from the past when she was in the navy. As we were drinking on the couch and her cuddling with me, she says that she is 'liking' me. She says she likes me because I am intruiguing and cute (she mentions me being intriguing more than once, that she could not figure out whats in my head, those are her words).
We then went to bed and had sex (it may not have been the best since it was our first having sex with each other, a lot of adjusting positions, me being to rough biting which she did not like, etc.,).
This is embarrassing, but as we were adjusting in positions she joked "your p*n*s doesn't like me", we lauhed a little but not sure if that affected her a lot. I proceeded to finger and make out, and she had more pleasure during the fingerings, she even aaid that I got strong fingers. I said because i am a musician. We later on got tired, from two long days, and she said goodnight sweetie, we kissed and went to bed. I saw her take a tylenol PM, and I then asked one (not sure of I was demanding again or 'entitled.')
While we were sleeping that night, I noticed that she did not cuddle me and was not touching me, maybe just because she was tired? Or was in comfy positions?

14. Next morning, im between snoozing alarms, she got up on top of me and we had sex, and switched from woman on top to missionary, finding that sweet spot (again, not sure if that was pleasant to her or not). Embarrassingly enough,she did not scream not orgasm even last night (im disappointed in myself for this). I fingered her again and she seemed to enjoy it, and we napped a little bit with her cuddling me. She was very tired from the day before, like me.

15. Later on she then all of a sudden jumped up from bed, put clothes on. I did so as well. Then she grabbed her keys and told me 'are you ready?' I was almost taken aback by this, and a little surprised.

16. She seemed irritated. But we went out to the door and she hugged me from behind and kissed me from behind. She then took me home but she says she is really tired, and she is coming over to her lady best friend's house to chill. She was quiet on the drive. I was too. She touched my hand once but that was it. Then when she dropped me off she just said 'bye' with a tired/upset look on her face. I said bye but gave her a kiss. Then got out of the car.

17. That whole day she never initiated a chat with me. At around 8pm at night I messaged how are you doing. And she just said shea fine, still at her friends place. Than asked how i am. We chatted a bit, but it seemed all small talk to be honest. She said that her friend remembers me and that a year ago i told her friend that she is pretty cool. I gave vague answer that 'well, thats not a lie.' Towards the end of the chat, i asked if her bruises healed from my bites, she said no!! And said that she does not like it by the way. I nonchalantly said i respect that. She reaponds with a smiley. Then she said goodnight.

18. Next morning, i was surprised, she messaged me 'good morning sunshine.' We had a good chat throughout the day. But this time i gave some space and long intervals between responses. I did not get back to her until night time. I posted a status update on facebook that i am at band rehearsal. She 'liked' it and so she messaged me 'hows it going?' (After hours of me not messaging her). We had a good chat, she seemed sweet to me. Then later on said goodnight sweetie. I responded sweet dreams beautiful. She responded with a kiss smiley.

19. Next morning (tuesday) i said goodmorning, we chatted, but seemed like small talk. She started to become a little distant or distracted. After giving her space/time intervals before reaponding at night, i reengaged, she then said how it going. I said just got home and how are you. She says that she is feeling 'not so' hot because of the leftovers she ate. I said shes fine, she says 'im sure', i said i have those days too, and sent her a meme saying 'youre hot' (not sure if this is too much validation given to her). She says that i am such a sweetie. I tried to break rapport by switching topic saying that i am checking out an apartment that my sis remmended the weekend or next, she says that is great. I said i'll still need to see the place. No response.

20. Today (wednesday), absolutely no messages from her at all. Did she ghost or slow-fade me?

Any thoughts and any advice on what i could have done wrong, and what I could do better next time please?
I have decent value and social proof due to being in a band and her seeing other girls say hi and vhat with me at the bar. And generally good at humor.
She did admit though that she notices me being jittery at times, but not sure if that is the main issue.
She has two kids, divorced for years, joint custody.
Her ex bf is the second guy she's 'dated' after being single for years, per her words.
I appreciate al your thoughts in this since I need to learn to be better. My heart is torn but i know this is just a case of oneitis.
Thanks in advance.
 

Ckowalsky

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I think she was just trying to use you to make her ex jealous. She sounds like a lot more trouble than she's worth. NEXT!
I sort of agree. It has been the general consesus among my and a coulple buddies too.
So would this be a zero chance to re-engage? I assumed I have built enough attraction and comfort in the beginning.
 

Ckowalsky

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I think she was just trying to use you to make her ex jealous. She sounds like a lot more trouble than she's worth. NEXT!
Plus the fact thay she did OPENLY share with me how she missed her ex, but had to 'end it.' And that I 'helped' end it.
She also asked if I miss MY ex.
 

btownbuck2012

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Just seems like some used up skank to be honest. She likes the attention.
 

wifehunter

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If I were you... I would go out, and meet more girls. I can never have enough practice interacting.

Make it, a daily thing. There's way too many beautiful girls out there, to just, sit at home. Get comfortable talking to the hottest girls.
 

Ckowalsky

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If I were you... I would go out, and meet more girls. I can never have enough practice interacting.

Make it, a daily thing. There's way too many beautiful girls out there, to just, sit at home. Get comfortable talking to the hottest girls.
I agree. I may need to brush up some with some fundamental skills.
 

Ckowalsky

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Any more thoughts as to what my mistakes where with this experience? Areas that need work?
 

kenpiffyjr

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just not enough emotional investment when she's comparing it to the fresh in mind hurricane that is her ex.

I do think she likes you though...she's just not emotionally invested. But that's not your job to make her...That's all on her. Go spin plates - get your mind off this girl and when she hits you up again... Meet, get to know her more, escalate, sex!
 

Ckowalsky

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just not enough emotional investment when she's comparing it to the fresh in mind hurricane that is her ex.

I do think she likes you though...she's just not emotionally invested. But that's not your job to make her...That's all on her. Go spin plates - get your mind off this girl and when she hits you up again... Meet, get to know her more, escalate, sex!
This makes perfect sense. Thank you. And I should have been more aware about this. Obviously she has just been off of a strong connection to her ex.
Was there any point to where there was too much push or too much pull on my part, or even during sex, that might have thrown a wrench to our initally good vibe? E.g. her sudden irritability the morning after sex, and sudden freezeout the whole day after sex. (Side note: that morning she immediately posts a funny meme on facebook about easing back into dating, showing a man tripping over a jump rope.) Was that hint for me to back off?
 

Ckowalsky

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just not enough emotional investment when she's comparing it to the fresh in mind hurricane that is her ex.

I do think she likes you though...she's just not emotionally invested. But that's not your job to make her...That's all on her. Go spin plates - get your mind off this girl and when she hits you up again... Meet, get to know her more, escalate, sex!
She has been the one initiating the meetup. Was I too lax about this, not taking action on asking her out as well?
 

Ckowalsky

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Update: after almost a full day of no contact, I decided to message her (sorry guys, just felt persistent and couldnt help it):

Me: 'Hola pretty'
She: 'hey baby'
Etc etc etc
Me: i realized that the past two weeks was a blaze
Her: what do you mean?
Me: too fast, maybe too soon for you (note: my attempt at reframing as me as the prize. Does this work here?)
Her: i don't know honestly.. i was thinking that for yourself
Etc etc etc
Me: i enjoyed every single bit of experience i had with you
Her: me too, i learned a lot about you (what does that mean?)
etc etc etc
Me: i just did not want you to be scared or anything.
Her: what are you thinking?
Me: i think you are a cool all around woman, thats what i think.
Her: smileyface I think youre pretty cool too....
Her: I was wondering...if we need to keep this at a friend-level. Especially since you are leaving from a 3 yr relationship.
(What does this mean?)
etc etc etc
Me: but I agree, its probly easier if we keep this at a casual (yes, I said casual) level.
Her: ok....
Me: confusing i know
Her: its all good
Me: yeah?
Her: (emoji of her cartoon dancing on a piano)
Me: ha
Me: up at 6. Ugh
Her: me too. I need to get some sleep
Me: yeah. Get some rest. Hittin the hay soon
Her: goodnight sweetie
Me: Night pretty
Her: (emoji of a cat sleeping)

Guys, what did I do wrong here or could have done better, and was there anythinf I did right, to at least save face? Clearly i was struggling. Any critics on this so I can at least learn from it? Feel free to ctitique and be brutally honest please. I appreciate it.
 

Infern0

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The main problem you have is the mindset.

It's awesome that you are trying to learn and improve, but you are very likely going to make some mistakes and mess some things up in the process, it happens, it's just learning experiences.

Anyways, I can tell from your opening post that you are thinking about this woman way too much (i've been there) and this will reflect in subtle mistakes.

Onto the texting exchange, you KNOW you messed up by contacting her, but you did it anyway. Learn control in that aspect.

Girls like this WILL contact you if they want to hear from you so you never need to reach out to them. You REWARD them by reaching out occasionally if they are treating you well, showing high interest and it's going well.

Reaching out to them when it's not going well = mistake.

As to the convo itself, it was dreadful.

Your attempt at a reframe failed miserably because what you were really saying was "do you still like me, because i lack confidence so i'm just trying to figure it out"

When in actual fact you shouldn't care.

She can tell you are more into her at this stage than her into you, that will put her off.

As for the action plan.

Delete her number out of your phone, you don't want to reach out for her for any reason.

Move on with your life, get busy and forget her.

There's a SMALL chance that she will reach out to you, because you may increase her interest by vanishing on her (curiosity, has he met someone else? etc etc etc)

If she contacts you do no chit chat.

The convo would be something like this

Her: Hey, haven't heard from you in a while
You: Hey, yeah been pretty busy with life at the moment
Her: Oh that's cool what have you been doing blah blah
You: Grinding, so you want to hang out this weekend? (ASSUME this)
Her: Um maybe i'm not sure what i'm doing blah blah (she will be shady on this)
You: Ok that's cool, let me know when your schedule frees up it'd be great to see you so we can arrange something then, gotta run i'm out having drinks with friends(leave the "friends" ambiguous

This shows her a few things

A) you have a life outside her
B) you aren't hung up on her
C) you do want to see her however

It's standard procedure for failing IL

But i have to say your odds are probably between 30-50% of her reaching out, and you can't afford any more mistakes. If it's me, in muy mind i'm already moving on and chalking it up to experience.
 

BetterCallSaul

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Jesus OP, I agree with wifehunter, write a longer wall of text next time because the more small details about every little thing the better. (sarcasm)

If I were you... I would go out, and meet more girls. I can never have enough practice interacting.

Make it, a daily thing. There's way too many beautiful girls out there, to just, sit at home. Get comfortable talking to the hottest girls.

OP, I didn't even read what you originally posted about this chick. I clicked the thread, saw you signed up in the last few days, I see 2 paragraphs, scroll down, oh now we're up to 5, scroll some more and see the usual wall of text.

Nope, not reading all that sh!t. You posted this because you've got a problem with a woman, and only this one woman.

wifehunter's response that I quoted above is spot on. If you had other plates regularly coming over to your place to drain your balls, would you even give a sh!t about what this one woman thinks? Would you be tip-toeing around eggshells when you talk to this woman? You are in fact doing that.

You then post text convo. You have actual text convo about what your relationship "is"...over TEXT! Why the hell can you not have this convo in bed after you just blasted a huge load on her tits? Its because like a sap you use emojis and text to talk about your feelings.

I know I've posted some wall of text threads here before, but I've at least given back to this community. Your walls of text in the OP and subsequent text convo....pointless. wifehunter summed exactly what needs to happen.
 

Glassguy

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1.) Her ex picking her up wasnt a random thing. She is still banging him and/or stringing him along.

2.) Use her for sex but do not engage in reaching out to her. Make her initiate communication.

3.) Listen to Inferno. That is a good example at what you should be texting. No more chit chat. She either wants to meet and fvck or she doesnt. Period.

This one should either be a fvck toy wh0re or walk away if you think you cant do that without catching feelings.
 

SmooveMooves

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How are you in a band with tons of social proof and you're tripping over a divorced woman with children?

Something ain't adding up. I read you entire post though so here's my take.

Smoove's Protips
~ Never write a post this long about a single mom

~ Don't ever talk about the status of the relationship. T
here was no need to clarify that the relationship would be casual. Let her ask about labels and shít​
~ Stop trying to analyze every little thing. She told you 'she learned a lot about you' and your asking us what it means. It means she learned a lot about you.

~ Use pet/nick names sparingly. You don't need to be calling her sweetie, babe, or sugar booger everytime you address her. Nicknames are more endearing when used occasionally. They lose there steam when they replace her name.

~ For someone in a band, the descriptions of your interactions sound mad awkward. Why are you biting this chick if she isn't into it. You need to be able to gauge if a woman is into this stuff.

~ Don't call 'this' PUA. PUAs died in 2007 and this isn't a PUA site anyway. Here, you will learn the ways of the don juan - the king of improvement.

~ Read the book of Pook, The Black Flag by Shark, 48 Laws of Power, The Rational Male and The art of Seduction

Edit: Oh and NEVER fūcking apologize for kissing someones ex girlfriend. He doesn't own her or you. You can kiss/do whatever you want. Im actually surprised she still fūcked you after this. I thought her ghosting would have started after that. Tsk tsk. Single moms.

 
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How are you in a band with tons of social proof and you're tripping over a divorced woman with children?

Something ain't adding up. I read you entire post though so here's my take.

Smoove's Protips
~ Never write a post this long about a single mom

~ Don't ever talk about the status of the relationship. T
here was no need to clarify that the relationship would be casual. Let her ask about labels and shít​
~ Stop trying to analyze every little thing. She told you 'she learned a lot about you' and your asking us what it means. It means she learned a lot about you.

~ Use pet/nick names sparingly. You don't need to be calling her sweetie, babe, or sugar booger everytime you address her. Nicknames are more endearing when used occasionally. They lose there steam when they replace her name.

~ For someone in a band, the descriptions of your interactions sound mad awkward. Why are you biting this chick if she isn't into it. You need to be able to gauge if a woman is into this stuff.

~ Don't call 'this' PUA. PUAs died in 2007 and this isn't a PUA site anyway. Here, you will learn the ways of the don juan - the king of improvement.

~ Read the book of Pook, The Black Flag by Shark, 48 Laws of Power, The Rational Male and The art of Seduction

Edit: Oh and NEVER fūcking apologize for kissing someones ex girlfriend. He doesn't own her or you. You can kiss/do whatever you want. Im actually surprised she still fūcked you after this. I thought her ghosting would have started after that. Tsk tsk. Single moms.

I think MGTOW'S are replacing Don Juan's.
 

Ckowalsky

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The main problem you have is the mindset.

It's awesome that you are trying to learn and improve, but you are very likely going to make some mistakes and mess some things up in the process, it happens, it's just learning experiences.

Anyways, I can tell from your opening post that you are thinking about this woman way too much (i've been there) and this will reflect in subtle mistakes.

Onto the texting exchange, you KNOW you messed up by contacting her, but you did it anyway. Learn control in that aspect.

Girls like this WILL contact you if they want to hear from you so you never need to reach out to them. You REWARD them by reaching out occasionally if they are treating you well, showing high interest and it's going well.

Reaching out to them when it's not going well = mistake.

As to the convo itself, it was dreadful.

Your attempt at a reframe failed miserably because what you were really saying was "do you still like me, because i lack confidence so i'm just trying to figure it out"

When in actual fact you shouldn't care.

She can tell you are more into her at this stage than her into you, that will put her off.

As for the action plan.

Delete her number out of your phone, you don't want to reach out for her for any reason.

Move on with your life, get busy and forget her.

There's a SMALL chance that she will reach out to you, because you may increase her interest by vanishing on her (curiosity, has he met someone else? etc etc etc)

If she contacts you do no chit chat.

The convo would be something like this

Her: Hey, haven't heard from you in a while
You: Hey, yeah been pretty busy with life at the moment
Her: Oh that's cool what have you been doing blah blah
You: Grinding, so you want to hang out this weekend? (ASSUME this)
Her: Um maybe i'm not sure what i'm doing blah blah (she will be shady on this)
You: Ok that's cool, let me know when your schedule frees up it'd be great to see you so we can arrange something then, gotta run i'm out having drinks with friends(leave the "friends" ambiguous

This shows her a few things

A) you have a life outside her
B) you aren't hung up on her
C) you do want to see her however

It's standard procedure for failing IL

But i have to say your odds are probably between 30-50% of her reaching out, and you can't afford any more mistakes. If it's me, in muy mind i'm already moving on and chalking it up to experience.
I agree. This is what I should have done. I did not know what i was thinking trying to contact her again. A lot has to do with impatience and of course insecurity. I agree that it is all in the mindset, and all this dynamic in this casual encounter has been a learning curve. It is still hard dor me to see my mistakes during the process, I need to catch myself right away when doing the same old patterns. I guess I should force myself out there some more and meet new women, to divert attention. And just let it be.
 
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