The Bitter End (Broke up with girlfriend)
- Thread starter bigneil
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I'm sorry BigNeil. This things happen. I know you were really into her but do not worry something better will come along.
Sometimes the only way to pass a **** test is to fail it, when you are getting deeper into a relationship if you don't show some glimpses of emotional attachment Women tend to feel super disconnected. Just a theory not saying is your case.
Sometimes the only way to pass a **** test is to fail it, when you are getting deeper into a relationship if you don't show some glimpses of emotional attachment Women tend to feel super disconnected. Just a theory not saying is your case.
The record will show that back on April 28 when she stood me up (she thought she had to do ana-l after a misunderstanding) da dynamically said it was just a warning shot, and he was right. She and I had our best month after that. I swear ever since she is virtually trying to get me to submit.
I keep a weekly "Interest Level" graph of girls I date, and her interest level graph went like this:
0122223333444543333444551111
Notice that major hiccup right at the peak? Strange. (I last saw her on the last 5 week).
Yes and no, consider the last 2 weeks:
(two weeks ago)
Me: Let's go out tomorrow at 7pm.
Her: Ok! See you tomorrow night!
Her: Oh, wait, I have plans, can we have a lunch date?
Me: Nevermind.
Her: Why can't we ever just once have a lunch date?
Me: I think we should just be friends.
Her: You're kidding.
(next day)
Her: I still love you.
Me: I still love you.
(one week ago)
Me: Let's go out tomorrow at 7pm.
Her: Okay! See you tomorrow.
(next day)
Her: Are we still on for tonight? (red hearts)
Me: Of course.
Her: What time will I be home?
Her: I just need a time because I will need to see my roommate before bed.
(four hours later)
Me: I'm sorry princess, I just remembered I need to work tonight so can't make it.
Her: It's okay! Can we go out this weekend?
Me: (No reply for 3+ days - until the weekend is over)
(this week)
Me: Let's go out tomorrow at 7pm.
Her: Neil... I'm in love with someone else...
(next day)
Me: Ok. Congratulations. You and I had a great 9 months.
Her: But I still love you.
Me: Ok, so I'll still see you at 7pm.
Her: Okay I will be there! (red hearts)
Her: (6:30) Uh oh... Is it ok if I'm a little late?
Me: No. It's now or never, princess.
Her: Well, I tried...
Me: Then I guess this is goodbye. I'm sad to know that you don't love me but you know I always loved you, my dear.
Her: (unread long reply)
As you see, I refuse to compromise.
In an ironic twist, our last date featured me wearing a red Star Trek jersey.
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I told her that's what must happen. She is 21. She just moved in with 5 other 21 year olds. One of them is her age and was her friend since age 13 and that is the one she is "in love" with now. But I know her. She is healing damage that happened when she was 14 and got kicked out of school and her house. First she healed things with her dad, and now her childhood friends. I am confident she will return a more mature woman shortly, but my only hope is that she can be totally free, find someone she thinks she loves more than me, and still miss me.
All relationships go through periods of separation. Its an essential part of the process, like test driving a car. There are stages to a relationship that have to come to a conclusion before you can move on, either apart or together. One day, if you make it through together. You end up with a relationship where you feel secure in each other.
I think it was a good move on your part to come to this conclusion as it has taught her where the boundaries lie.
A lot is made about age differences. People generally talk a lot of rubbish. Young people can be very astute and older people can be as stupid as hell, because they refuse to learn. The only hang up with youth is lack of experience to help with making judgements. You can't do that for them. Its better for them to learn this themselves.
From what you say it sounds like this is what she is doing now. You have made a decision and she will need to digest this.
After a separation people will often look at the good and bad sides of the relationship. What you liked and didn't like. What you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate in someone. So its a useful time if somewhat painful. But nine months investment must have provided a lot of intelligence for each of you.
If you can honestly say for the most part it was fun and pleasant. I think the old adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will be applicable to you.
I think it was a good move on your part to come to this conclusion as it has taught her where the boundaries lie.
A lot is made about age differences. People generally talk a lot of rubbish. Young people can be very astute and older people can be as stupid as hell, because they refuse to learn. The only hang up with youth is lack of experience to help with making judgements. You can't do that for them. Its better for them to learn this themselves.
From what you say it sounds like this is what she is doing now. You have made a decision and she will need to digest this.
After a separation people will often look at the good and bad sides of the relationship. What you liked and didn't like. What you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate in someone. So its a useful time if somewhat painful. But nine months investment must have provided a lot of intelligence for each of you.
If you can honestly say for the most part it was fun and pleasant. I think the old adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will be applicable to you.
The silver lining is, she hasn't seen me in 5 weeks, and I've been working out and I recently dropped 5 pounds and suddenly my jaw is chiseled. Yesterday I saw the waitress who served my ex-girlfriend and I on our last date. She held her hand under her chin and said "Neil! Did you lose weight? You look great!" If and when she sees me again, I will look much better. It's important to remember that women treat us the way they think of us, much of which is based on the last time they saw us. They never assume we have improved.
That's why self improvement is always the theme.
That's why self improvement is always the theme.
CMNILS87
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@bigneil, that's def not s relationship, that's a relation****.
This literally sounds like 7th grade all over. Timmy and Allison are dating, but Allison broke up with Tim on the playground and now she's with Josh and gave him a peck on the cheek. She's literally living in her own bubble of stupidity. You're breaking up with her, but she still has the audacity to ask if the date is still on and suckering sugar daddy money out of you lolololol. This chick has no idea what love is, she's in lust.
She'll be back, question is will you be man enough to not reply or get sucked into the spiders web again?
Desdinova
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So I'm not going to be reading your sugary-sweet posts anymore? 
The only thing I really see here is the intention of creating an emotional rollercoaster ride. I'll admit that I do stuff like this occasionally to keep a woman on her toes, but it looks like this is going on weekly. If she's a woman who's addicted to drama, perhaps interaction like this is necessary to keep her interested, but I'm honestly not getting that vibe, at least not with the messages you posted.
It looks like you were unwilling to work as a team with her, especially when it came to planning dates with her.
I use pauses in my texting to get her emotions running, but they generally don't last for more than a few hours. This appears to be more of a punishment, but I can't figure out why you were punishing her.
This whole thing looks like you constantly punished her for being late and cancelling with a counter-offer. I can't wrap my brain around this. 5hit happens and things have to get re-scheduled. If she was cancelling so she could hang out with a male friend, I would understand the reasons for punishing her.
If she's frequently running late, I'd be busting her ba11s over it, but I wouldn't necessarily cancel. If she's letting you know that she's running late but still coming, then she's not leaving you hanging. Some women frequently run late, and at age 21, she might still needs to learn how to manage her time.
Also, why weren't you picking her up?
It looks as if your entire relationship with her was just a game with you dictating the rules, and if she doesn't follow, then you passively-aggressively leave the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of playing the game with you because it's never fun.
I'm really trying to wrap my head around all this. This is the kind of thing I do with women I'm just beginning to date. You were with her for 9 months and this is how you led the plan-making? I don't get it.
The only thing I really see here is the intention of creating an emotional rollercoaster ride. I'll admit that I do stuff like this occasionally to keep a woman on her toes, but it looks like this is going on weekly. If she's a woman who's addicted to drama, perhaps interaction like this is necessary to keep her interested, but I'm honestly not getting that vibe, at least not with the messages you posted.
It looks like you were unwilling to work as a team with her, especially when it came to planning dates with her.
Why did you respond with "Nevermind"? Why not just tell her that you can't make it for lunch and plan something else with her? She looked like she was willing to spend time with you.
Why would you ignore her for an entire weekend?
I use pauses in my texting to get her emotions running, but they generally don't last for more than a few hours. This appears to be more of a punishment, but I can't figure out why you were punishing her.
When she said she was in love with someone else, my immediate response would have been "OK, bye" and that would be the end.
This whole thing looks like you constantly punished her for being late and cancelling with a counter-offer. I can't wrap my brain around this. 5hit happens and things have to get re-scheduled. If she was cancelling so she could hang out with a male friend, I would understand the reasons for punishing her.
If she's frequently running late, I'd be busting her ba11s over it, but I wouldn't necessarily cancel. If she's letting you know that she's running late but still coming, then she's not leaving you hanging. Some women frequently run late, and at age 21, she might still needs to learn how to manage her time.
Also, why weren't you picking her up?
It looks as if your entire relationship with her was just a game with you dictating the rules, and if she doesn't follow, then you passively-aggressively leave the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of playing the game with you because it's never fun.
@stringpuller, I think what went wrong was she is 21 and is going through a regression from age 13, so she has reverted in her mind. Suddenly I'm the big, bad older man who seduced her (and I'm sure all her new roommates are saying that). I need to see her again or we're dead in the water.
@Desdinova, I can see in hindsight where I might have been a little harsh. But you guys can imagine the first 8 months was awesome if little things like this were never happening.
After 9 months her asking for a lunch date was a huge red flag, as was her asking for a curfew. Both said "There is someone more important than you in my life".
I think the "I'm in love with someone else" line was probably just her trying to get my goat after I was sort of hard on her, but also confirmed what I was sensing.
The reason I didn't reply for 3 days last week was because I shut my phone off. That was the first date I ever flaked on, but I had attempted to cancel at least 5 dates and she always talked me out of cancelling, so I wasn't going to let her that time.
Looking at the transcript now that emotions have settled, it's probably not over forever (I still haven't read her last reply - she always knows exactly how to get through to me).
@Desdinova, I can see in hindsight where I might have been a little harsh. But you guys can imagine the first 8 months was awesome if little things like this were never happening.
After 9 months her asking for a lunch date was a huge red flag, as was her asking for a curfew. Both said "There is someone more important than you in my life".
I think the "I'm in love with someone else" line was probably just her trying to get my goat after I was sort of hard on her, but also confirmed what I was sensing.
The reason I didn't reply for 3 days last week was because I shut my phone off. That was the first date I ever flaked on, but I had attempted to cancel at least 5 dates and she always talked me out of cancelling, so I wasn't going to let her that time.
Looking at the transcript now that emotions have settled, it's probably not over forever (I still haven't read her last reply - she always knows exactly how to get through to me).
CMNILS87
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Wait now I'm reading deeper context. The whole I'm in love with someone else had to be a ruse, because why would she ask to go out after she tells you that. She was trying to get an emotional response out of you. That was her Hail Mary Nuke.So I'm not going to be reading your sugary-sweet posts anymore?
I'm really trying to wrap my head around all this. This is the kind of thing I do with women I'm just beginning to date. You were with her for 9 months and this is how you led the plan-making? I don't get it.
The only thing I really see here is the intention of creating an emotional rollercoaster ride. I'll admit that I do stuff like this occasionally to keep a woman on her toes, but it looks like this is going on weekly. If she's a woman who's addicted to drama, perhaps interaction like this is necessary to keep her interested, but I'm honestly not getting that vibe, at least not with the messages you posted.
It looks like you were unwilling to work as a team with her, especially when it came to planning dates with her.
Why did you respond with "Nevermind"? Why not just tell her that you can't make it for lunch and plan something else with her? She looked like she was willing to spend time with you.
Why would you ignore her for an entire weekend?
I use pauses in my texting to get her emotions running, but they generally don't last for more than a few hours. This appears to be more of a punishment, but I can't figure out why you were punishing her.
When she said she was in love with someone else, my immediate response would have been "OK, bye" and that would be the end.
This whole thing looks like you constantly punished her for being late and cancelling with a counter-offer. I can't wrap my brain around this. 5hit happens and things have to get re-scheduled. If she was cancelling so she could hang out with a male friend, I would understand the reasons for punishing her.
If she's frequently running late, I'd be busting her ba11s over it, but I wouldn't necessarily cancel. If she's letting you know that she's running late but still coming, then she's not leaving you hanging. Some women frequently run late, and at age 21, she might still needs to learn how to manage her time.
Also, why weren't you picking her up?
It looks as if your entire relationship with her was just a game with you dictating the rules, and if she doesn't follow, then you passively-aggressively leave the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of playing the game with you because it's never fun.
And shame on you for dating a chick and not responding to her date night reply. Imagine if you setup plans with a buddy and asked if 7pm worked and you didn't hear back for 3-4 days while the date passed by.
**** man. Give her that tension and just reply after a couple hours after a good workout. Instead of just passing, literally just tell her you're canceling and want alone time to bro out. You blew her off totally and went with the aloof alpha badass angle. She didn't know wtf you were doing so she didn't even respond with a follow up. She was probably sitting with her chick friends and wondering when you were going to reply if ever. These are all screams for attention dude. She wanted more from you
I worked 3 overnights this week and told my girl this, I flat out told her not to text call during the day while I'm sleeping and I'll get in contact when I'm done. We haven't talked in 2 days. Literally that's all you gotta do, communicate, give her a social story, and let her fester and wait for your reply.
I'd wager a guess and say that she's acting out like this now because she's confused as hell with you. Your frame, she doesn't know what it is or where the boundaries are because she doesn't know you per se. If she comes back, if sit down and ask her why she's acted out lately and I'm sure it's insecurity about numerous things. No more of that loved you always bull****. That may sound romantic to you, but I bet she was like WTF
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I think the person she said she is in love with is her new best friend, and they probably spent those 3 days talking about things, and he probably said "I know! Tell him you are in love with me!"
I think she is basically saying "You might have got me to submit nearly every single date, but it's been a month and I need to just see you again and decide how I feel about things" (versus just coming straight over). So she'll probably get a lunch date. Hopefully my having worked out all this time makes the difference and I seduce her on the spot.
My spell wore off and I need to seduce her all over from scratch.
I think she is basically saying "You might have got me to submit nearly every single date, but it's been a month and I need to just see you again and decide how I feel about things" (versus just coming straight over). So she'll probably get a lunch date. Hopefully my having worked out all this time makes the difference and I seduce her on the spot.
My spell wore off and I need to seduce her all over from scratch.
This had nothing to do with a 3 letter acronym and please don't mention that in this thread. There are plenty of threads about that.
Anyhow, I drew her a few weeks back. For some reason the last 3 girls I drew, I never saw again. One got fired, one moved, and one left me.
Anyhow, I drew her a few weeks back. For some reason the last 3 girls I drew, I never saw again. One got fired, one moved, and one left me.
Where did she act insane? If anything, she reacted perfectly normally to the way I was acting.
Now, the 13 year old regression thing, remember: when she was 13 her dad divorced her mom and her life went into turmoil, and she nearly became a hooker but made it back to her dad. Now she is healing issues she had in high school at that time. She actually sent me a photo of herself from age 13 yesterday (not something you usually do when you are dumping someone).
Anyhow, you guys can see I held my ground with her, and that this courtship was not about money. I wish it were. I wish I could buy her back.
Do you guys think maybe she was trying to LJBF me and by the way I handled it she ended up becoming intrigued by the challenge and her interest level went up?
Something clicked yesterday and she went back into super-romantic mode at one point.
But I need to see her. Any time you go a month without seeing a girl, there is the out of sight out of mind phenomenon, and you lose a lot. It becomes LDR. She and I have amazing physical chemistry and that has faded due to too long an absence.
Now, the 13 year old regression thing, remember: when she was 13 her dad divorced her mom and her life went into turmoil, and she nearly became a hooker but made it back to her dad. Now she is healing issues she had in high school at that time. She actually sent me a photo of herself from age 13 yesterday (not something you usually do when you are dumping someone).
Anyhow, you guys can see I held my ground with her, and that this courtship was not about money. I wish it were. I wish I could buy her back.
Do you guys think maybe she was trying to LJBF me and by the way I handled it she ended up becoming intrigued by the challenge and her interest level went up?
Something clicked yesterday and she went back into super-romantic mode at one point.
But I need to see her. Any time you go a month without seeing a girl, there is the out of sight out of mind phenomenon, and you lose a lot. It becomes LDR. She and I have amazing physical chemistry and that has faded due to too long an absence.
sazc
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I'm on board with what @Desdinova is detailing. I'm not 21, I'm older, but this type of interaction definitely would leave me believing that this man isn't that into me, and my IL would drop over time, as he continued to treat me this way. I think @bigneil was trying to keep the emotional roller coaster going, but I dont know why either. From what he was telling us, he had her, she had high IL and was all about him. When you reach that level with a female, and you want to keep her, respect her. You dont have to go into submissive/beta mode at that time, but dont try and perform any huge push pull with her, because (unless she has a personality disorder) it's only going to send the message that you dont really care about her.So I'm not going to be reading your sugary-sweet posts anymore?
I'm really trying to wrap my head around all this. This is the kind of thing I do with women I'm just beginning to date. You were with her for 9 months and this is how you led the plan-making? I don't get it.
The only thing I really see here is the intention of creating an emotional rollercoaster ride. I'll admit that I do stuff like this occasionally to keep a woman on her toes, but it looks like this is going on weekly. If she's a woman who's addicted to drama, perhaps interaction like this is necessary to keep her interested, but I'm honestly not getting that vibe, at least not with the messages you posted.
It looks like you were unwilling to work as a team with her, especially when it came to planning dates with her.
Why did you respond with "Nevermind"? Why not just tell her that you can't make it for lunch and plan something else with her? She looked like she was willing to spend time with you.
Why would you ignore her for an entire weekend?
I use pauses in my texting to get her emotions running, but they generally don't last for more than a few hours. This appears to be more of a punishment, but I can't figure out why you were punishing her.
When she said she was in love with someone else, my immediate response would have been "OK, bye" and that would be the end.
This whole thing looks like you constantly punished her for being late and cancelling with a counter-offer. I can't wrap my brain around this. 5hit happens and things have to get re-scheduled. If she was cancelling so she could hang out with a male friend, I would understand the reasons for punishing her.
If she's frequently running late, I'd be busting her ba11s over it, but I wouldn't necessarily cancel. If she's letting you know that she's running late but still coming, then she's not leaving you hanging. Some women frequently run late, and at age 21, she might still needs to learn how to manage her time.
Also, why weren't you picking her up?
It looks as if your entire relationship with her was just a game with you dictating the rules, and if she doesn't follow, then you passively-aggressively leave the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of playing the game with you because it's never fun.
So that is how I have always felt after reading the text chaiins that @bigneil has posted, the exchanges between him and her. I always read them and thought, this chick is whack if she isnt thinking "wow, he really could give a sh1t less about me and/or me being in his life"
that's just my observation
And, dude....9 moths in and you shut your phone off for 3 days? 9 months in and NC for 3 days?
9 months in and I expect a level of emotional investment that my partner cares enough about me to BE THERE for me even if we are fighting. What if there was an emergency? what if she was in a car accident? What if her dad had a heart attack? She would have been texting and calling and you wouldn't have been there for her. That right there would KILL my IL because you are sending a direct message to me that says "you really are NOT important, you are so not important that I dont care if you can contact me, or if I speak with you, for days on end"
Being AWOL for X days is just not a 'move' that occurs in emotionally mature relationships, IMO
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sazc
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the other way to contemplate the behavior/dynamic in this relationship, probably the easiest thing to ruminate on is, how well did you lead in this relationship? As a man, did you understand that the overall dynamics and communication style of the relationship are up to you? You set and control the frame. Did you lead properly? This the kind of relationship and communication dynamic that you gave her, what that what you wanted to get back from her? It cant be a one way street, You will be hard pressed to find a healthy that will respond well to consistent push/pull. More likely she will pick up on the ush pull frame and do some push pull right back. You are teaching her how you expect her to treat you with the way you treat her. You will get what you give so do understand the relationship dynamics you are leading with.
That was actually an eye opening realization for me and I am now looking for a man who will lead in a manner that I can respect and admire. A leadership style and quality that makes me want to invest, because I feel the investment from him.
That was actually an eye opening realization for me and I am now looking for a man who will lead in a manner that I can respect and admire. A leadership style and quality that makes me want to invest, because I feel the investment from him.
Milano
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Nice final line, but when she is tired of eating noodles with the frat boys and calls you I hope you only pump and dump this *****
sazc
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ugh, if true, that is so sad
BeExcellent
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Bummer Neil. Sorry to hear this. Sometimes things run their course.
