BPD's can control their behavior…they choose not to

[Pandora]

So i spent considerable time around BPDs. I did a 12 week rotation in an outpatient psych clinic when i was in grad school. I didn't know much about BPD at the time. I also have an ex that has classic and severe BPD. There is one thing that i have noticed and it is bugging me. A poster made a thread about it a few years back and the thread didn't get taken seriously. But it should have.

I have noticed that these women only display BPD symptoms to certain people, and only in certain environments. My ex would never rage out against her emotionally abusive mother. She would stfu and take it. She has managed to hold a job for about 2 years now. She only rages out against males in her life and only on certain males. Mainly ex romantic partners. I have seen her act honorably towards other males like bosses, friends etc etc.

The patient in the clinic would be so sweet to me. We got along quite well. She would never rage with me. We would sit and talk ( her thoughts were tangental and flight of ideas at times) and she was decently well behaved. She only displayed cluster B symptoms like gas lighting and rage towards the physician and her husband who would come to visit.

This leads me to believe that these women can control their illness far more than we give them credit for. I think they just act out towards men that allow it. They are not afraid of the consequences with their bf's. With other people they still want their approval so they are on good behavior. I don't think they deserve as much sympathy as we give them. This not so much a mental issue but a behavioral one. I may be wrong but these are just preliminary thoughts.

 

[Polysix]

+ it is also an attachment disorder, only if the bonding is close and long enough Mr. or Ms. Hyde will show up.

 

[AJ84]

I work in the mental health field and my experience with BPD patients (male and female) is that some people trigger them more than others ( usually people they have known for a while or are in a position of power ie doctors) but overall they have very poor emotional regulation and poor coping skills.

BPD patients also trigger people providing support to them and part of DBT therapy training is to create boundaries and not allow your buttons to be pushed. In this context it's easy to see why some people consider their actions manipulative and more of a behaviour issue rather than a mental illness, when their behaviour is more likely the only way they know how to cope, even it it drives their loved ones to frustration.

 

[Billtx49]

Yes, it's in their ingrained personality. It's literally who they are. Also why most of them don't think they have serious a problem and go undiagnosed unless it's pointed out to them, or they begin to wonder why their interpersonal relationships always turn to chit.

 

[Atom Smasher]

It may be that they are compelled to emote in these unhealthy and destructive ways, and they are able to direct it to a handful of people where it best serves their subconscious purpose.

I do believe that they are emotionally arrested at around 12 or 13 years old, so they have little self control, but perhaps enough to intuit that it's better to act out with certain people than with others.

 

[Billtx49]

It may be that they are compelled to emote in these unhealthy and destructive ways, and they are able to direct it to a handful of people where it best serves their subconscious purpose.

I do believe that they are emotionally arrested at around 12 or 13 years old, so they have little self control, but perhaps enough to intuit that it's better to act out with certain people than with others.

Doesn't matter why she acts out, toxic rants, raves, treats you like dirt, or gets physical with you. The point is you don't have an emotionally mature female on your hands when you meet one, and any relationship with her isn't going anywhere but to the dumpster eventually.

 

[AJ84]

This forum has needed an expert in this field for a very long time. I hope you can write some good threads or at least some good analytical responses as you did above as frequently as possible!

I will try lol. I have worked with several people with personality disorders and it's very challenging but part of overcoming the challenge is recognizing that it's not about me. People with BPD tend to burn through friends, romantic relationships, social workers, therapists etc until they can get the appropriate therapy. It can take a while, because like someone mentioned above, they don't usually have any insight into their behaviour.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I will try lol. I have worked with several people with personality disorders and it's very challenging but part of overcoming the challenge is recognizing that it's not about me. People with BPD tend to burn through friends, romantic relationships, social workers, therapists etc until they can get the appropriate therapy. It can take a while, because like someone mentioned above, they don't usually have any insight into their behaviour.

How often would you say those with personality disorders wonder to themselves, "maybe I'm the problem?" Does it ever occur?

 

[Atom Smasher]

I dated a BPD and I'm convinced that she had absolutely no inkling that she herself was the problem.

 

[The Duke]

I dated a confirmed BPD years ago that had no idea she was the problem and still doesn't. she has been thru many guys since then and I follow her on social media. After a break up she starts posting meme's about how everything is in God's hands, and when the time is right the right guy will magically appear and every thing will be a great love story. She'll also post memes expressing her desire to find someone that will accept her for the woman she is and seek out the good in her.

I had a 5yr relationship with a girl that had some Borderline traits. I played the role of boyfriend and counselor to her. In the beginning she wouldn't admit she was the problem, but as we worked thru her issues she finally started to be honest with herself and that's when we made real progress. She still thanks me for helping her become a better person.

A likely narcissist I dated for a short time is now on husband #6 and she is maybe 42yo now. That girl has no clue she might need to do a little self reflection.

Part of the problem is there is no shortage of dudes that put up with bad female behavior(diagnosed or not). I might get involved with one but I won't stick around after they have showed their cards. My borderline taught me that its not worth it. Lesson learned.

I remember what 5String told me a long time ago about his bipolar......they can go to therapy, take pills to regulate themselves, but you will never cure them because they simply won't own up to the errors of their ways.

 

[Red Legg]

I still have 12 BPD woman hoover in and out of my life,they are a hoot.....you can find them online real easy because they seek validation.

 

[SuckItUp]

How do you control an illness, if you don't think anything is wrong? That's the catch 22 of people with BPD. Their brain patterns have been altered through genetics and early age behavioral patterns. Self actualization is incredibly rare for people with BOD because their minds in essence work to protect their magical thinking by altering the factual details of an event to fit their emotional response whereas non BPDs have an emotional response based on the factual details.

For example you get in a car accident. A non BPD partner would be worried about your health well being then worry about the financial aspects. Someone with BPD gets angry at you for getting in an accident then has to twist the narrative to fit the anger response by suggesting that you were driving too fast or driving recklessly.

 

[AJ84]

T

How often would you say those with personality disorders wonder to themselves, "maybe I'm the problem?" Does it ever occur?

thats a great question. They are more likely to see themselves as the problem in specific situations, rather than in an overall sense. For example if they are talking about a failed relationship because they didn't trust the person and constantly demanded that they know where they are at all times, accusing them of stuff they didn't do, basically driving them away, you can (not always), with time, get them to a point where you can discuss how their behaviour (not their personality disorder because they don't think they have one), contributed to the break up.
Focusing on behaviours rather than a personality issue works better in pretty much any situation. Saying, "well you have BPD so that's why xyz happened" goes nowhere because there's really nowhere to go with that. It's like calling someone a bad person, which implies an ingrained flaw that can't be changed or controlled. Saying what someone did was bad, well that's a behaviour and people see behaviours as changeable and controllable, which they are.

It's challenging though and the prognosis of completing curing BPD is not great from my experience. Not sure what the stats are around it. But many mental illness tend to be chronic anyway with ups and downs along the way.

 

[AJ84]

How do you control an illness, if you don't think anything is wrong? That's the catch 22 of people with BPD. Their brain patterns have been altered through genetics and early age behavioral patterns. Self actualization is incredibly rare for people with BOD because their minds in essence work to protect their magical thinking by altering the factual details of an event to fit their emotional response whereas non BPDs have an emotional response based on the factual details.

For example you get in a car accident. A non BPD partner would be worried about your health well being then worry about the financial aspects. Someone with BPD gets angry at you for getting in an accident then has to twist the narrative to fit the anger response by suggesting that you were driving too fast or driving recklessly.

Yes events etc get filtered in a way that reinforces their baseline way of functioning in the world. All you can do is help someone manage and cope better through therapy that is structured, progressive, with an end time, and homework. It's not sit on the couch once a week for years and talk about your life with a psychiatrist. Intensive therapy works best for BPD. Look up dialectical behaviour therapy.

 

[AJ84]

I dated a confirmed BPD years ago that had no idea she was the problem and still doesn't. she has been thru many guys since then and I follow her on social media. After a break up she starts posting meme's about how everything is in God's hands, and when the time is right the right guy will magically appear and every thing will be a great love story. She'll also post memes expressing her desire to find someone that will accept her for the woman she is and seek out the good in her.

I had a 5yr relationship with a girl that had some Borderline traits. I played the role of boyfriend and counselor to her. In the beginning she wouldn't admit she was the problem, but as we worked thru her issues she finally started to be honest with herself and that's when we made real progress. She still thanks me for helping her become a better person.

A likely narcissist I dated for a short time is now on husband #6 and she is maybe 42yo now. That girl has no clue she might need to do a little self reflection.

Part of the problem is there is no shortage of dudes that put up with bad female behavior(diagnosed or not). I might get involved with one but I won't stick around after they have showed their cards. My borderline taught me that its not worth it. Lesson learned.

I remember what 5String told me a long time ago about his bipolar......they can go to therapy, take pills to regulate themselves, but you will never cure them because they simply won't own up to the errors of their ways.

No one should put up with bad behaviour from anyone female or male. However I sense that there may be a tendency for some guys to attribute any bad female behaviour to a mental illness like BPD or bi polar etc. Mind you more women than men are diagnosed with BPD, so maybe that's why? However more men than women are diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder so I wonder how many women attribute any bad male behaviour as them having a mental illness as well?

 

[Red Legg]

No one should put up with bad behaviour from anyone female or male. However I sense that there may be a tendency for some guys to attribute any bad female behaviour to a mental illness like BPD or bi polar etc. Mind you more women than men are diagnosed with BPD, so maybe that's why? However more men than women are diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder so I wonder how many women attribute any bad male behaviour as them having a mental illness as well?

One way to tell a TRUE BPD is that they will hoover you YOUR WHOLE LIFE.....(if you fvcked them good enough)

 

[Pandora]

I do believe that they are emotionally arrested at around 12 or 13 years old, so they have little self control, but perhaps enough to intuit that it's better to act out with certain people than with others.

I started this post because my BPD ex has a roommate who she has lived with for almost 2 years! Getting along with a roommate is tough even if you are normal person let alone a BPD. I would say roommate relationships can be very intimate But she doesn't really rage at this girl or act out. Maybe because the roommate actually owns the condo and would kick her out. She doesn't rage at her mother. Her mother emotes and emotionally abuses her. Same with her bosses. These are all people she is quite close with. Maybe they know who to bring their sh*t to. Im sorry guys i am not buying the they can't control it. This ex is probably as severe as you can get. She has almost ALL of the red flags. They can't control it, but they can control it to a larger degree than originally thought. Idk man……this was the original post http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/bpd-does-not-exist-women-are-just-manipulative.240906/

 

[Pandora]

+ it is also an attachment disorder, only if the bonding is close and long enough Mr. or Ms. Hyde will show up.

true. I hear that. But have you seen the relationships with their mothers. Usually they are like little scared puppies with their moms. The moms are usually on the fringe of BPD. Maybe you need to intimidate them enough in order to control them.

 

[Pandora]

One way to tell a TRUE BPD is that they will hoover you YOUR WHOLE LIFE.....(if you fvcked them good enough)

True. The problem is that they got 5 other guys who they are also hoovering. They sleep with dozens and dozens in their lifetime.

 

[Billtx49]

It can take years to discuss what a Cluster B is and the therapy they need, but the bottom line is, once a man gets involved with one, he discovers that there is noting beneath the superficial porn star sex and current popular love phrases she uses to convince him that she loves him in her beginning seduction stage.
The words and phrases she uses are hardly ever her own emotional thoughts.
The man then discovers after he gets sucked in, that it was all only a charade, and there was not ever any kind of deep and meaningful love beneath her false thin outer veneer of expressed love for him. It was all superficial.
She is usually only an adult emotional child, which depends on the degree of, and the age at which she's was damaged.
In the long run, it's best to only talk about how to avoid these time wasting females.