What is there to "get over"?

[bigneil]

No matter how tuff you are if you stick your hand in fire and leave it there for 20 seconds you going to have full partial (3rd degree burns). If you want to play with fire sometimes your going to get burned.

So when I play with fire I'm in and out at the first sign of pain. That limits my recovery time. The times I've got burned bad is when I didn't listen to my gut or stayed to long after red flags.

The beautiful thing about getting burned bad is after a few times in your youth you become so callus to it as an adult that you almost laugh at the ending.

On our first date in October, I found myself seated next to my now girlfriend at the bar. She was mirroring me perfectly. We were both rotated 45 degrees toward each other and our knees were touching. She put her hand on my knee and reached over and gave me a kiss without my asking (we had never made out yet). I said "It's too late. I'm inside your ring of fire. The only way out is to get burned". I don't remember what she said but we were having sex within an hour. Life changing sex.

I was wrong though. The truth is, you only get burned if you need them. I never let myself need her (another bonus of dating much younger women is that your rarely let yourself need them or fall the same way).

We're still together and it's been my best relationship yet. The sex has kept getting better and better. If I ran at the first sign I might get burned I would have left during the first date.

 

[Reykhel]

It's not about becoming unfeeling or having no emotions when it ends by rejection or death...

It's completely the opposite. It's being consciously aware that everything is transient and thus has a limit....
"we are but passing ships in the night", so we are going to be present in each other's company and make the most of the
moments that we have. Not only with women, but with everything. How many people go on a run through the woods or the park
and in all of that time, they are thinking about what they need to buy in the supermarket, the project for work, wondering what their woman
meant by that comment she made last night.........all the time ESCAPING FROM THE PRESENT. Unaware that they are not even breathing properly or efficiently. When they arrive back home their run through the woods seemed like a dream...

You know when you are talking with somebody if they are someone that is awake and present. You feel each other's energy. Compare that with the dopey look you get off someone who has that "thousand yard stare". Sleep walkers.

I'm not saying don't feel........the opposite........feel, taste, experience, breath, touch.....involve all of your senses.........try it when you drink alcohol. Try it when you eat. Try it when you walk. Take in your surroundings. How many people do you know that when they eat....they wolf down their food like a viking......you can be sure they'll have digestive problems. They are not mindfully eating.

Try this experiment.........the next time you're talking to someone......look them in the eye and try to remove any expectations.......it ain't an easy task. Sit calmly back and want nothing only to see them. Observe what happens. Observe what goes on in your own mind. Anxiety? Doubt? Want?

So when the inevitable moment comes when it ends....through death or rejection........do you switch of feelings and become a "sociopath" as was erroneously interpreted? No.....

Just like any death, you're prepared......but that doesn't mean that you're not going to grieve that death. The blow will be "softened" ever so much because of acceptance. You've already accepted this as normal and natural. You knew this. But it still can hurt....

So grieve. The key is to recognize that you're feeling grief. Recognize and even state it. This is practiced in meditation. You recognize feelings and you recognize emotional states in the mind and physical feelings in the body. You recognize them and you don't fight them.............you also DO NOT BECOME ATTACHED TO THEM. You sit cross legged by the river and you observe your thoughts and feelings as they pass you by.......you observe them without trying to hold onto them.

Grieve. By all means grieve. Say "I feel grief right now because of this situation". Or if you are really skilled at detachment "I recognize that there's grief in me and that's okay" "I feel the grief and I let it pass through me". You don't fight it, in fact in meditation (even while walking) you can be consciously aware that grief is passing through you and you can consciously vision it leaving your body through your fingertips or through your toes"

In fact, if you do any labour or gardening work it's really helpful to do visual meditation exercises such as sweeping away the leaves in your garden......"this is the dark grief in my mind being raked away" . It's cleansing.

The problems arise when ONE BECOMES ATTACHED TO ONE'S GRIEF.

You hold onto the grief, perhaps because it's the last feeling you have left of your former lover. You let that grief go and you finally let your former lover go. You don't want that so you hold onto your grief. You become attached to it and it becomes comfortable......it becomes an excuse to not get on with your life. It become a buffer. An excuse for drinking too much. An excuse for doing drugs. An excuse for being a victim.......

When there is a death, there is a grieving period. But after a certain amount of time, if you are still grieving months or years later, it's no longer about grieving for the person you lost.....it's about you. You are indulging in your grief.

 

[bigneil]

It's not about becoming unfeeling or having no emotions when it ends by rejection or death...

It's completely the opposite. It's being consciously aware that everything is transient and thus has a limit....
Try this experiment.........the next time you're talking to someone......look them in the eye and try to remove any expectations.......it ain't an easy task.

I have some simple rules that force me to maintain this.

1) After each date, if she doesn't reach out, the relationship is over.
2) Never send date reminders, so she must reach out the day of the date, or the relationship is over.
3) Let her do most of the initiating (after 3 months of dating).

This means for every date she will have initiated twice, with my having usually initiated once (asking her out to begin with). This keeps the relationship balanced, with her doing most of the pursuing.

More importantly, it keeps me in a constantly detached state. The relationship is always just one date deep.

 

[switch7]

Hehe the rabbit hole can go really deep on this topic. Someone mentioned relationships being like a bell curve. The pleasure we attach to relationships, material things, money, status, career, is a bell curve. None of those things can sustain happiness. To experience happiness we need the polar opposite, pain. Trying to ride the wave of happiness, constantly jumping from one wave to the next to keep the pleasure going is futile. Contentment is what we should strive for. Pain and pleasure

It's not about becoming unfeeling or having no emotions when it ends by rejection or death...

It's completely the opposite. It's being consciously aware that everything is transient and thus has a limit....
"we are but passing ships in the night", so we are going to be present in each other's company and make the most of the
moments that we have. Not only with women, but with everything. How many people go on a run through the woods or the park
and in all of that time, they are thinking about what they need to buy in the supermarket, the project for work, wondering what their woman
meant by that comment she made last night.........all the time ESCAPING FROM THE PRESENT. Unaware that they are not even breathing properly or efficiently. When they arrive back home their run through the woods seemed like a dream...

You know when you are talking with somebody if they are someone that is awake and present. You feel each other's energy. Compare that with the dopey look you get off someone who has that "thousand yard stare". Sleep walkers.

I'm not saying don't feel........the opposite........feel, taste, experience, breath, touch.....involve all of your senses.........try it when you drink alcohol. Try it when you eat. Try it when you walk. Take in your surroundings. How many people do you know that when they eat....they wolf down their food like a viking......you can be sure they'll have digestive problems. They are not mindfully eating.

Try this experiment.........the next time you're talking to someone......look them in the eye and try to remove any expectations.......it ain't an easy task. Sit calmly back and want nothing only to see them. Observe what happens. Observe what goes on in your own mind. Anxiety? Doubt? Want?

So when the inevitable moment comes when it ends....through death or rejection........do you switch of feelings and become a "sociopath" as was erroneously interpreted? No.....

Just like any death, you're prepared......but that doesn't mean that you're not going to grieve that death. The blow will be "softened" ever so much because of acceptance. You've already accepted this as normal and natural. You knew this. But it still can hurt....

So grieve. The key is to recognize that you're feeling grief. Recognize and even state it. This is practiced in meditation. You recognize feelings and you recopies emotional states in the mind and physical feelings in the body. You recopies them and you don't fight them.............you also DO NOT BECOME ATTACHED TO THEM. You sit cross legged by the river and you observe your thoughts and feelings as they pass you by.......you observe them without trying to hold onto them.

Grieve. By all means grieve. Say "I feel grief right now because of this situation". Or if you are really skilled at detachment "I recognize that there's grief in me and that's okay" "I feel the grief and I let it pass through me". You don't fight it, in fact in meditation (even while walking) you can be consciously aware that grief is passing through you and you can consciously vision it leaving your body through your fingertips or through your toes"

In fact, if you do any labour or gardening work it's really helpful to do visual meditation exercises such as sweeping away the leaves in your garden......"this is the dark grief in my mind being racked away" . It's cleansing.

The problems arise when ONE BECOMES ATTACHED TO ONE'S GRIEF.

You hold onto the grief, perhaps because it's the last feeling you have left of your former lover. You let that grief go and you finally let your former lover go. You don't want that so you hold onto your grief. You become attached to it and it becomes comfortable......it becomes an excuse to not get on with your life. It become a buffer. An excuse for drinking too much. An excuse for doing drugs. An excuse for being a victim.......

When there is a death, there is a grieving period. But after a certain amount of time, if you are still grieving months or years later, it's no longer about grieving for the person you lost.....it's about you. You are indulging in your grief.

This is very Zen Reykhel. I did a lot of reading into this subject some time ago. The rabbit hole goes pretty deep with this stuff and leads to some pretty crazy realisations. You could say going down this road and having the lifestyle is the ultimate red pill. It's a very fascinating subject.

 

[shesabranchswinger]

On our first date in October, I found myself seated next to my now girlfriend at the bar. She was mirroring me perfectly. We were both rotated 45 degrees toward each other and our knees were touching. She put her hand on my knee and reached over and gave me a kiss without my asking (we had never made out yet). I said "It's too late. I'm inside your ring of fire. The only way out is to get burned". I don't remember what she said but we were having sex within an hour. Life changing sex.

I was wrong though. The truth is, you only get burned if you need them. I never let myself need her (another bonus of dating much younger women is that your rarely let yourself need them or fall the same way).

We're still together and it's been my best relationship yet. The sex has kept getting better and better. If I ran at the first sign I might get burned I would have left during the first date.

Nice yeah you were playing with fire and dancing with it and had some discomfort but no pain or major red flags. Sounds like you have a keeper for the mean time all the best to that one ride it till the wheels fall off.

Yeah I'm in and out at the 1st sign of pain or major red flags, but will stick around for a few minor red flags.

 

[BeExcellent]

It's not about becoming unfeeling or having no emotions when it ends by rejection or death...

It's completely the opposite. It's being consciously aware that everything is transient and thus has a limit....
"we are but passing ships in the night", so we are going to be present in each other's company and make the most of the
moments that we have. Not only with women, but with everything. How many people go on a run through the woods or the park
and in all of that time, they are thinking about what they need to buy in the supermarket, the project for work, wondering what their woman
meant by that comment she made last night.........all the time ESCAPING FROM THE PRESENT. Unaware that they are not even breathing properly or efficiently. When they arrive back home their run through the woods seemed like a dream...

You know when you are talking with somebody if they are someone that is awake and present. You feel each other's energy. Compare that with the dopey look you get off someone who has that "thousand yard stare". Sleep walkers.

I'm not saying don't feel........the opposite........feel, taste, experience, breath, touch.....involve all of your senses.........try it when you drink alcohol. Try it when you eat. Try it when you walk. Take in your surroundings. How many people do you know that when they eat....they wolf down their food like a viking......you can be sure they'll have digestive problems. They are not mindfully eating.

Try this experiment.........the next time you're talking to someone......look them in the eye and try to remove any expectations.......it ain't an easy task. Sit calmly back and want nothing only to see them. Observe what happens. Observe what goes on in your own mind. Anxiety? Doubt? Want?

So when the inevitable moment comes when it ends....through death or rejection........do you switch of feelings and become a "sociopath" as was erroneously interpreted? No.....

Just like any death, you're prepared......but that doesn't mean that you're not going to grieve that death. The blow will be "softened" ever so much because of acceptance. You've already accepted this as normal and natural. You knew this. But it still can hurt....

So grieve. The key is to recognize that you're feeling grief. Recognize and even state it. This is practiced in meditation. You recognize feelings and you recognize emotional states in the mind and physical feelings in the body. You recognize them and you don't fight them.............you also DO NOT BECOME ATTACHED TO THEM. You sit cross legged by the river and you observe your thoughts and feelings as they pass you by.......you observe them without trying to hold onto them.

Grieve. By all means grieve. Say "I feel grief right now because of this situation". Or if you are really skilled at detachment "I recognize that there's grief in me and that's okay" "I feel the grief and I let it pass through me". You don't fight it, in fact in meditation (even while walking) you can be consciously aware that grief is passing through you and you can consciously vision it leaving your body through your fingertips or through your toes"

In fact, if you do any labour or gardening work it's really helpful to do visual meditation exercises such as sweeping away the leaves in your garden......"this is the dark grief in my mind being raked away" . It's cleansing.

The problems arise when ONE BECOMES ATTACHED TO ONE'S GRIEF.

You hold onto the grief, perhaps because it's the last feeling you have left of your former lover. You let that grief go and you finally let your former lover go. You don't want that so you hold onto your grief. You become attached to it and it becomes comfortable......it becomes an excuse to not get on with your life. It become a buffer. An excuse for drinking too much. An excuse for doing drugs. An excuse for being a victim.......

When there is a death, there is a grieving period. But after a certain amount of time, if you are still grieving months or years later, it's no longer about grieving for the person you lost.....it's about you. You are indulging in your grief.

As @Reykhel stated it is NOT about numbing the pain or acting in a manner indicative of psychological pathos.

Rather it is about letting go of both the past (and its anchors or baggage) and the expectations we almost subconsciously place on the (fantasy) future. Only then are we sufficiently grounded to the present moment. Only then can we exist, enjoy one another; our surroundings; our inner being. It is about giving & loving fully but without expectation.

On a kind note my lover (the one who has faded) reached out today. He expressed a kind sentiment as this is my first fatherless Fathers Day. A lovely gesture. I wished him a wonderful Fathers Day as well. Will I hear from him again? Maybe. If I do, how nice...if I don't, what a pleasure to have known him. Either way I am happy. I have enjoyed the time shared.

By having no expectations on the interaction with someone all possibilities are opened. Things can develop and change and take a course without the constraints of the past or the future.

I find it a wonderful way to appreciate the world around us and cherish the people around us. It isn't pain-less...but it is fulfilling rather than disappointing.

But I find it takes a certain level of personal development, self awareness & intrinsic self value to be able to let life unfold. It requires comfort with uncertainty, which is hard for many people.

 

[Reykhel]

I have some simple rules that force me to maintain this.

1) After each date, if she doesn't reach out, the relationship is over.
2) Never send date reminders, so she must reach out the day of the date, or the relationship is over.
3) Let her do most of the initiating (after 3 months of dating).

This means for every date she will have initiated twice, with my having usually initiated once (asking her out to begin with). This keeps the relationship balanced, with her doing most of the pursuing.

More importantly, it keeps me in a constantly detached state. The relationship is always just one date deep.

Solid stuff. You're crucially aware at every step and allowing her to pursue.....
If she isn't reaching out, that is to say, pursuing, she's not an interested woman........let go.

Cat string theory all over: dangle the string just out of reach of the cat and it's a fun pursuit. She can touch the dangling
string and grab at it, but you pull it away again. tension. funny how when you drop the ball of string.....i.e you give her
the kitchen sink and remove the tension....she kind of loses interest......

Nietzsche said something along the lines of "we give value to something depending on what we had to pay for it"

One date deep is the only perspective that makes sense. All we have is now. Enjoy the next date to the fullest. It's clear you do that
with your woman. You're present. Aware. Enjoying. Savoring. You are not thinking of tying her down out of insecurity.

When one doesn't have a one date deep perspective, the tendency can be to slip into "this is for every" fantasy and delusion states. It can be hard when reality brutally ass fvcks one out of these states. The shock can reverberate for an age.

Speaking of "dating" (give it a name....hooking up and having fun) how many couples turn to ****e because they let the present moments slip by, they let the essence of dating and fun slip away and instead slip into a boring daily routine. Watching tv together. getting fat together. Monotonous routine. the fun is gone. The eye was taken off the ball...