Is It Viable For a Man To Fall Deeply In Love?

[Desdinova]

I brought up this subject in another thread, but I think it deserves it's own.

My most enjoyable relationships were with women who were under 23 years old. However, my most successful relationships were with women that I wasn't madly in love with.

We've all been there. We meet a woman who's so damn attractive and extremely fun to be with. We think about her all the time. We develop a deep one-itis for her. We think "I could spend the rest of my life with this one". We treat her well and look forward to every single minute we spend with her. We also know that it's going to royally fvck us up should the relationship end.

So, is it possible to have a life-long relationship with a woman you're madly in love with? Or is that just setting yourself up for failure? It's been repeated on Sosuave that the person with the lower interest in the relationship holds the most power. So is it possible to be madly in love AND hold the power?

 

[Killakittie]

Yes not only do i personally know people who have been together a long time and are crazy about each other i myself have experienced the mutual bonding that can happen with the right woman.

Most people are selfish, self centered, and egotistical though and love doesn't find them. Also having onitis isn't love... being infatuated isn't love... most can't distinguish the difference.

True love requires both parties to be who they truly are.. no walls.. no facades.. no hiding or escaping reality.. being you. Most men and woman are scared little children going through life protecting their egos and investing in the belief that there's always someone better.. until they hit old age and realize that which they were so quick to drop wasnt so bad afterall.

 

[fastlife]

I think a lot of it comes down to 'Chemistry' vs 'Compatibility.' Bottom line is that the women we really have strong 'Chemistry' with, beyond just being super hot or fertile or a good genetic combination, are also the ones who push our emotional buttons. It just 'feels right.' The problem is what 'feels right' to us is developed in childhood and often related to our bonds with our mother and how we observed our mom & dad relating to each other.

If our mom was emotionally stable, happy, had strong boundaries, loving without being overbearing or doting, then the girls we have strong chemistry with will also be girls who probably also have qualities that make them 'Compatibile' long term. If that's you--Great; I'm jealous--but those guys probably won't be on SoSuave and are super rare to begin with. For the rest of us, with less than ideal childhood situations, girls who press our emotional buttons probably do so in a way that isn't conducive to longterm stability or happiness, which would feel foreign to us to begin with.

The good news is that you can change the types of girls you have chemistry with by changing your mindset, thought patterns, etc. These days I mostly date really low drama, genuinely nice girls. The bad news is that even that type of chemistry won't compete with the memory of that visceral, up-and-down, love-hate chemistry that was my emotional template for love starting out. The work around I've found for myself is to supply that excitement for myself--my line of work is extremely volatile & full of emotional spikes--so that at the end of the day all I really want is/are girl(s) I can chill with & who nurture & respect me.

 

[Billtx49]

all I really want is/are girl(s) I can chill with & who nurture & respect me.

Great points in your post, but bottom line, it all comes down to your last statement. If she cannot nurture her relationship with you and respect the man you are, then when it comes to loving deeply, she deserves no more of your attention than yesterday's burned toast.
Plate status only if she can't accomplish those two items…

 

[ubercat]

Well done guys after two years of posting here you're getting it. Yes quiet girls are better. Yes you should be providing your own excitement. Yes if your punching above your weight in terms of the girls looks expect drama. And yes water is wet.

 

[Dingo]

Interesting topic and read...

 

[lizardking82]

I think our kind of love differs from their kind of love. We can, I think, like a woman a lot. Love as in the femalish fueled meaning of love is almost impossible to achieve for men except for when we're young and stupid and all of us get our heart broken. Loving and caring and nurturing is her "duty". Women themselves get repelled sooner or later by someone who is deeply and madly in love with them.

However, we gotta clarify one important thing: love is real only between two healthy people, meaning, a lot of people confuse love with the need to fill their emotional holes (myself included in the not so far away past). That is not love. That is codependency. Still, even between two healthy people who love themselves at first and do not need each other, the woman will always be the one more in love because mostly, it's the guy who's interesting and got skills and hobbies that make her say "wow". She wants to say that wow and be amazed from the stuff he gonna show her.

Patrice O'Neal, which I love, said it perfectly "A good relationship is one where the woman loves the man and the man likes the woman." Women say they want men to love them deeply, but look at what happens when you lose your mind and madly fall in love as a man...you mostly get left, cheated on for another guy who's colder and less caring. Look at what they do, not what they say.

 

[SteR]

I have a bit of an out-there theory about this: I once broke up with a girl and randomly got talking to a guy in a bar about the situation: He said something along the lines of how passion, whether applied to a woman or a project or purpose is the same thing.

The trouble is that guys divert this energy into a woman ie. making her the centre of their universe, instead of diverting it to something larger in his life.

What I'm starting to think is that man should be placing all his energy/drive/passion into his chasing his dreams, and allow the woman to divert her energy towards the man. I don't think women were ever supposed to be the receivers of that kind of energy.

Just a theory, mind you.

 

[lizardking82]

I have a bit of an out-there theory about this: I once broke up with a girl and randomly got talking to a guy in a bar about the situation: He said something along the lines of how passion, whether applied to a woman or a project or purpose is the same thing.

The trouble is that guys divert this energy into a woman ie. making her the centre of their universe, instead of diverting it to something larger in his life.

What I'm starting to think is that man should be placing all his energy/drive/passion into his chasing his dreams, and allow the woman to divert her energy towards the man. I don't think women were ever supposed to be the receivers of that kind of energy.

Just a theory, mind you.

And a good, basic theory, too. They are not meant to be receivers of that kind of energy, thus it confuses them and being the conflict-avoiding creatures they are, they choose to leave in most cases.

 

[fastlife]

Great points in your post, but bottom line, it all comes down to your last statement. If she cannot nurture her relationship with you and respect the man you are, then when it comes to loving deeply, she deserves no more of your attention than yesterday's burned toast.
Plate status only if she can't accomplish those two items…

But this ties back into @SteR & @lizardking82 's posts about the nature of female love vs. male love. Women can't nurture or respect a man who is attached to her in any needy sense--he has to remain an entity above & apart from her. Women want more than anything to be role players in the story of your life--not the star--they want to serve a greater purpose. BUT most men put women in the center (which they also like well enough, at first, but also despise).

If you need a woman--be it for sex, for emotional support, for attention, etc.--you'll soon find those needs unmet. It's when you don't need her for anything that women are free to give those things. @LARaiders85 's post above, along with the OP, typifies this dilemma--Why bother? But this question comes from a place of misplaced expectations & flawed definitions. You have to let go of your idea of passion & chemistry & the women in your life will prove their usefulness.

 

[speed dawg]

Well obviously people have to be happy in their own skin first and foremost. Which brings this into play:

Yes not only do i personally know people who have been together a long time and are crazy about each other i myself have experienced the mutual bonding that can happen with the right woman.

Most people are selfish, self centered, and egotistical though and love doesn't find them. Also having onitis isn't love... being infatuated isn't love... most can't distinguish the difference.

True love requires both parties to be who they truly are.. no walls.. no facades.. no hiding or escaping reality.. being you. Most men and woman are scared little children going through life protecting their egos and investing in the belief that there's always someone better.. until they hit old age and realize that which they were so quick to drop wasnt so bad afterall.

When people do like Killakittie said and protect their true selves, it all reverts back to attraction, hypergamy, alpha/beta, etc., almost on an animal level. Impossible to have that great relationship that way.

First, you got to have attraction (and keep it). Then you have to be compatible. Finally, you have to be real and open about who you are (including insecurities). Ultimately you own it all and move past them.

 

[The Duke]

Lots of great things being shared here and I agree with all of it. But looking back on my life and the few girls that really mattered, I'd say I've tried/or done almost everything mentioned here except having a girl that is significantly younger. Maybe that was the missing piece! lol.

I've never put a woman at the center of my world, I've always chased my dream, they always loved me more than I did them, we were both true to ourselves. The relationship that lasted the longest and was very successful had all of these key elements that have been mentioned.

But the one thing that is critical is the level of "opportunity" a woman has. There are far too many opportunities for women these days. These opportunities take away her focus on the relationship and have the capability to trump everything that has been stated above.

 

[Milano]

I brought up this subject in another thread, but I think it deserves it's own.

My most enjoyable relationships were with women who were under 23 years old. However, my most successful relationships were with women that I wasn't madly in love with.

We've all been there. We meet a woman who's so damn attractive and extremely fun to be with. We think about her all the time. We develop a deep one-itis for her. We think "I could spend the rest of my life with this one". We treat her well and look forward to every single minute we spend with her. We also know that it's going to royally fvck us up should the relationship end.

So, is it possible to have a life-long relationship with a woman you're madly in love with? Or is that just setting yourself up for failure? It's been repeated on Sosuave that the person with the lower interest in the relationship holds the most power. So is it possible to be madly in love AND hold the power?

This has been on my mind lately as well. We men need to be the ones with more power in the relationship, but love makes us week, and very sadly, it often looks beta to a female. Im starting to think being in love for many years would be better for a muslim family in Saudi Arabia who has their society supporting the family unit and man.

I really cant think of a more unfair sad situation than a man loving so much that a woman cheats on him, and I think this has happened to so many of us in here. In a world of increasing competition and steroids etc, there are less room for mistakes, and the frame must be kept at all times for maximum results and power. Its scary, I will have to experiment more with this though my journey has barely begun.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

I brought up this subject in another thread, but I think it deserves it's own.

My most enjoyable relationships were with women who were under 23 years old. However, my most successful relationships were with women that I wasn't madly in love with.

We've all been there. We meet a woman who's so damn attractive and extremely fun to be with. We think about her all the time. We develop a deep one-itis for her. We think "I could spend the rest of my life with this one". We treat her well and look forward to every single minute we spend with her. We also know that it's going to royally fvck us up should the relationship end.

So, is it possible to have a life-long relationship with a woman you're madly in love with? Or is that just setting yourself up for failure? It's been repeated on Sosuave that the person with the lower interest in the relationship holds the most power. So is it possible to be madly in love AND hold the power?

Yes, love, by definition, is a destruction of the ego. Any power we have derives from the great chain of Being.

 

[bmp2cpm]

No, it's not possible. Thanks to evolution, women can only strongly emotionally bond to men who can lead them. If you are so in love with her, that you can't see the big picture and cannot lead, the relationship is doomed.

You can love her, but not love her so much that you can't lead her.

And, in modern relationships where the woman earns more, has to be in control, and leads, she'll eventually cheat on her man. It's inevitable.

 

[stovepipe]

With the way society is, I do not think it's possible. If you one somehow does, it's like hitting the powerball....1 in billion

 

[SoSuave666]

Is it possible to win the lottery? Sure.

Is it a smart investment? Nah.

I guess the difference is that in the case of love, it's going to happen to you whether you want it to or not. Everyone on this site either has been, or will be in love. Multiple times.

It's about how well you are able you manage your emotions that's really important.

 

[SuckItUp]

Of course it is viable. Too many guys confuse monogamy with oneitis. Of course that can be the same and that's where to problem lies. A man's energy should be devoted to his craft, improving his ability to protect offspring, and to maintaining male perspective.

Respect = Deep Love. You can't have one without the other. Too many guys lose respect for themselves, which in turn manifests into loss of respect from their partners.

A woman worth having respects a man's need to be a man. Women who don't aren't.

Men need to be more honest with themselves and stop tolerating disrespect.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Of course it is viable. Too many guys confuse monogamy with oneitis. Of course that can be the same and that's where to problem lies. A man's energy should be devoted to his craft, improving his ability to protect offspring, and to maintaining male perspective.

Respect = Deep Love. You can't have one without the other. Too many guys lose respect for themselves, which in turn manifests into loss of respect from their partners.

A woman worth having respects a man's need to be a man. Women who don't aren't.

Men need to be more honest with themselves and stop tolerating disrespect.

Amen