Why do females remain "friends" w/ past lovers?

[JonnyD123]

Is it they're more fragile? Emotional? Afraid of being alone? Need constant validation? Is this an unhealthy woman's mentality?

I've never been the type of person to reignite old flames, even on a dry spell. Maybe it's just my view of sexuality and crossing that boundary between friend and lover. A woman gets one chance with me, and even if I may have f*cked it up, that's it.

The woman I've been dealing with lately however, has two guys who she keeps around. Logic and reasoning doesn't work obviously, so how would I address the fact that this is not something I prefer in order to establish healthy relationship? Covertly? Before the criticism comes with the 'spin more plates' mantra, I have no problem walking away, and she knows that. I'm not insecure about these men, I know I hold far more value then both of them combined. I also know showing any form of weakness/insecurity to her would only make things worse, but here I am posting about it. I guess it's more a form of disrespect I feel. Thoughts?

 

[RichardTheFrog]

"Logic and reasoning doesn't work"

I think you said it all right there.

I think we're all trying to solve a puzzle that has no answer.

 

[cola]

I think its healthy to still be cordial with an ex or two. Infact dare I say i'd take it as a red flag if she isn't cordial with any exes.

If you guys got along fine and ended on good terms what reason is there to not be cordial?
I mean you did have strong feelings for this person at one time right? Did they just go away?
You don't go from loving a person to not giving a f*ck if they live or die unless they made your life miserable.

What do you mean "keeps around"? A hello every couple months is innocent.
Them talking daily is disrespect to you.
Id directly tell her you don't tolerate.

 

[Masculinity]

They reason to keep these men within social proximity because "you never know" what life will bring. I've seen a lot of women keep men as friends--think of them as dormant options in case things change in their lives.

 

[bigneil]

We can only approach it from the male side, and we should hope they remain our friend.

Four years ago I left NYC and my Russian girl. To this day she sends me love letters on occasion. She will say "I miss you, my Gentleman. How are you, my love?"

In some cases you never really break up, but you are separated by fate.

It's great to be able to show your girlfriend that exes still love you years later, because it reassures her that A) you were memorable, B) you were not easily replaceable and C) you didn't stalk her, etc.

Ideally all of your exes will remain your friend (after you are over each other of course). Don't worry about your girl going back to her ex. They have been there, done that. It only ruins the good memories you have when you try to resurrect it.

 

[shesabranchswinger]

Is it they're more fragile? Emotional? Afraid of being alone? Need constant validation? Is this an unhealthy woman's mentality?

(1)
They are all like that to some extent no matter their age. It's a catch 22 A woman who truly thinks your high value to her will not keep men around in fear of losing you. But if you are truly high value then her having men around would not bother you cause she is more replaceable then you are.

I've never been the type of person to reignite old flames, even on a dry spell. Maybe it's just my view of sexuality and crossing that boundary between friend and lover. A woman gets one chance with me, and even if I may have f*cked it up, that's it.
(2)
That's your view and I share some parts of it but there are seven billion other views on this planet. Obviously she has a different one either accept it or get to stepping or I see heartache in your future.

The woman I've been dealing with lately however, has two guys who she keeps around.
(3)
Because those are her branchs to swing to if you fail in her eyes. She's got her double back up plan.


Logic and reasoning doesn't work obviously, so how would I address the fact that this is not something I prefer in order to establish healthy relationship?
(4)
You really can't. Would you change your views to the views she has ? Her views are what they are. You may be able to persuade her for a bit but in the end she will do what ever she wants. So you gota love it or leave it alone. And find another woman with views more in line with yours good luck with that though, have you seen all the desperate ladies OLD.
I hate to say it but you might want to change your views on the matter with women you bed down until you find one closer to your views. But get in line and theirs a long line waiting for that woman for an LTR


Before the criticism comes with the 'spin more plates' mantra, I have no problem walking away, and she knows that.
(5)
So then walk away if it really bugs you. If not then pull up a chair like Nero and watch Rome burn with me.

I'm not insecure about these men, I know I hold far more value then both of them combined.
(6)
Maybe you do maybe you don't. I've seen a lot of lesser valued men then me score with women that made me scratch my head. Remember your dealing with a women, sometimes logic flys out the window.


I also know showing any form of weakness/insecurity to her would only make things worse, but here I am posting about it. I guess it's more a form of disrespect I feel. Thoughts?
(7)
It's only a form of disrespect if you mentioned it too her and she chooses them over you. Other than that she's just being a woman.

Depending on how close she keeps them is how much of a back up plan second string they are to her. If she is just casual with them then I would relax. Every HB will have men around them till they pass their prime some more then others either learn to deal with it or prepare for headache, heartache and drama.

This is all just my opinion from my experiences so take it how you want to take it.

 

[shesabranchswinger]

This was said explicitly to me once. You would be stupid to give someone with such clearly low IL a chance in the future though.

Yup that's text book, maybe in the future I heard that a few times over the years. That's their way of letting you down easy. You only put stock in that one time before you learn the deal.

 

[JonnyD123]

I think its healthy to still be cordial with an ex or two. Infact dare I say i'd take it as a red flag if she isn't cordial with any exes.

If you guys got along fine and ended on good terms what reason is there to not be cordial?
I mean you did have strong feelings for this person at one time right? Did they just go away?
You don't go from loving a person to not giving a f*ck if they live or die unless they made your life miserable.

What do you mean "keeps around"? A hello every couple months is innocent.
Them talking daily is disrespect to you.
Id directly tell her you don't tolerate.

One of the guys she used to be sort of a FWB type, they never dated but hooked up for about 2 months. She admittedly said he still has feelings for her, and periodically professes his love to her. He used to call her 4-5 times a day, it's been cut back to about once every other day. What actually triggered this though was he called at 1am while we were laying in bed together.

 

[wifehunter]

Cuz they be hoes!! Doz dudes be back burnered!!! Hoes gotz to have backups!

 

[devilkingx2]

They want something from the ones they don't like

They want the D from the ones they do still like

 

[CMNILS87]

Are these straight up guy friends or past lovers? If it's lovers, cut her loose. That's all you know about, she's probsbly talking to x amount of other dudes too that you don't even know

 

[dude99]

Is it they're more fragile? Emotional? Afraid of being alone? Need constant validation? Is this an unhealthy woman's mentality?

I've never been the type of person to reignite old flames, even on a dry spell. Maybe it's just my view of sexuality and crossing that boundary between friend and lover. A woman gets one chance with me, and even if I may have f*cked it up, that's it.

The woman I've been dealing with lately however, has two guys who she keeps around. Logic and reasoning doesn't work obviously, so how would I address the fact that this is not something I prefer in order to establish healthy relationship? Covertly? Before the criticism comes with the 'spin more plates' mantra, I have no problem walking away, and she knows that. I'm not insecure about these men, I know I hold far more value then both of them combined. I also know showing any form of weakness/insecurity to her would only make things worse, but here I am posting about it. I guess it's more a form of disrespect I feel. Thoughts?

You may have read this here before :

"Women want attenrion just as much as men want sex."

Women talk to eachother and they like to brag to eachother about how many guys like them or how many they can pick and choose from at any given time. They compete with eachother and even try to steal eachothers orbiters and boyfriends.

 

[SgtSplacker]

For the same reason they think all their orbiters are their friends.... disillusion.

I just did some googling and found the word "hanger-on"

Women can not/will not tell the difference between a friend and a "hanger-on". It validates them to have more friends around.

 

[resilient]

Women can not/will not tell the difference between a friend and a "hanger-on". It validates them to have more friends around.

She can't tell which clothes orbiter/ex/fwb to try on.

 

[lizardking82]

As some other guys here above have said, if you loved that certain girl, it is kinda disrespectful towards your feelings and relationship to just say "yeah, whatever, we'll be friends". Male-female friendship can work only in the situation where neither side has a sexual interest on the other side and that is very rarely the case with ex-es because one of you left the other person and most of the time, the other person will see it as a possible hope to reconcile if the party that left accepted to be friends. For a good time, you need to completely disconnect from the person, no matter who left who, because that helps you heal and move forward, mature and become wiser.

When you have a relationship with someone that lasts 1 or 2 years or even more, they become part of your identity. Your friends know them, your family does, they are constantly in your life. When all this breaks off, it hurtst, among other reasons, also because you are being taken away a part of now YOUR identity and that is why people just out of the breakup, the dumpees mostly (cause they were not expecting it), feel lost. You need to work it out with yourself and people wanna be friends with the dumpers because they so desperately want to hang on to that part of their identity, but it's fake, man. It's gone.

 

[wifehunter]

As some other guys here above have said, if you loved that certain girl, it is kinda disrespectful towards your feelings and relationship to just say "yeah, whatever, we'll be friends". Male-female friendship can work only in the situation where neither side has a sexual interest on the other side and that is very rarely the case with ex-es because one of you left the other person and most of the time, the other person will see it as a possible hope to reconcile if the party that left accepted to be friends. For a good time, you need to completely disconnect from the person, no matter who left who, because that helps you heal and move forward, mature and become wiser.

When you have a relationship with someone that lasts 1 or 2 years or even more, they become part of your identity. Your friends know them, your family does, they are constantly in your life. When all this breaks off, it hurtst, among other reasons, also because you are being taken away a part of now YOUR identity and that is why people just out of the breakup, the dumpees mostly (cause they were not expecting it), feel lost. You need to work it out with yourself and people wanna be friends with the dumpers because they so desperately want to hang on to that part of their identity, but it's fake, man. It's gone.

Yep old ex boytoy orbiters hanging around = red flag

I'd spin more plates!

 

[El Payaso]

A myriad of reasons. Attention, validation, ego, fall back in case current relationship doesn't work out etc.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Yep old ex boytoy orbiters hanging around = red flag

I'd spin more plates!

This ^ ... seriously.

Best thing a dude can do for himself is to keep spinning plates and don't stop until your diick stops working. As soon as any woman you are with starts the nonsense, start hitting up the plates and keep moving forward.

 

[wifehunter]

This ^ ... seriously.

Best thing a dude can do for himself is to keep spinning plates and don't stop until your diick stops working. As soon as any woman you are with starts the nonsense, start hitting up the plates and keep moving forward.

Yep, cash flow, and chickie flow.

Is good times!

 

[SmooveMooves]

Sometimes I feel like you guys don't live in the real world.

You've never gotten a text from a girl you used to date lonely and wanting to fūck?

The answer is the same reason we spin plates. As options. Its only a problem if she's exclusive with someone. If not, she's just living like everyone else is encouraged to do in our promiscuous and hedonistic society.