Help me to eradicate my last piece of beta in me

[Game0ver]

Hi everyone!

This is my first post on the forum, although I've already seen several discussion as a spectator.
With the following, my intent is to ask you for help to defeat the last and most painful beta-behavior that's still rooted within myself.
Ready? Let's go.

Problem:
I'm not used to receive attentions from girls, as for that as soon as they compliments me or say the classics "you're different from other guys" ****, my brain turns off and I start to tilt like hell.
In the last period this has always translated to a particular behavior: after nights that everyone that's sane in mind would just consider as ONS, I try to parachute myself into believing that and LTR with that girl would be (quoting my own brain here) "worth to try".
Moreover what makes it worst (for me / for my own self esteem), is that when this happens I always start with the mindset "is just sex, don't get caught up in her words", to then ending out with my mind spinning and overthinking endlessy.

Meet me:
22yo, and expat.
Grown up as a nerd and with a pretty short & bad track of relationship failure until the age of 20, I became game aware when my best friend suggested me to review the RSD Blueprint.
Following that in the years I passed from things that ranges from Neil Strauss' "The Game" to more complicated ones, lastly The Rational Male.
Recently starting to play more and having some good results this year, however I found myself tilting recently.

Meet her:
25yo, blondie, 7/10
Smart, currently working abroad, with a fun character and always up to tease.
She came out of a LTR back in October, and consequently proceed to pursuit her primary instincts rather than looking for another LTR (she has slept several times with a friend of mine as well).

The situation:
I met her as she was often coming around with me and my (old) group of friends for our week end adventures (party, clubs, nightgame at 360 degrees).
I saw her literally dragging one of my friends out of a club and into a taxi to go and...well you can guess.
After some times going out together, and a couple of conversations, she added me on social media channel and we started to chat.
Went out for a date, brought her to a nice restaurant, then went for a drink. Chatted and had a bit of fun, brought her back to the taxi, kiss on the lips and bye.
Followed up some days later asking for a second date (I honestly just wanted at the time to get DTF, as I was coming out myself of a pretty bad situation), and she LJBF rejected me saying "I'm not interested in you in a romantic way, you know...I'm quite older than you".

At this point, as you can guess, I just nexted her, and haven't spend much mental energies.
We kept chatting once in a while, some time initiated by her some time by me, as we were going out a fairly amount of time (being part of the same group of peers).
There has always been a sky-high level of teasing between us, with sentences whose purpose was just generating more and more sexual tension, but nothing happened for a while.

One evening, after chatting we decided to met at her place to cook together as the day after she had friends over.
Long story short, I went there, I cooked, and although her behavior was in some situation more open than I expected, I decided not to make any move, as right before me going there she wrote "this is not a date, we're just friends remember".

At the end of the evening I got the clear sensation she was expecting something more from me and that she was frustrated, but doesn't matter...what's matter is that, knowing she is abroad for work more often than not, we agreed on me going to visit her a couple of months later.

And so, after this long (and hopefully not boring) introduction, I went to visit her.
I landed in the evening, and met her around dinner time. As it was rainstorming as hell, we decided to grab something to eat nearby, a bottle of wine, and go back home.

DISCLAIMER:
What you're gonna read now can be considered on several levels, from the PUA perspective, either as rookie/beta moves or just a bunch of mistakes. I'm aware, but that's how I decided to play this particular situation, due personal targets I give myself (in particular having her to have sex with me without me initiating).
What I'm asking here is not for you to focus on my mistakes, but on what I described as a Problem.

After going back home and taking the wine, we started to drink, watching netflix, and then proceeded to play 2 truths - 1 lie.
Rules: first one to reach 3 points wins, and get a free question to ask at the other one, and the other one must answer.
As it usually goes for this game, we started from normal topics and then drifted heavily on sex related things.
She won the first round and proceeded to ask me this question:
"Do you still see me as a friend or you have a crush on me?"
At which I answered:
"I'd say I've a crush on you, I mean I'm not inlove with you, but if I'd have to pick one, I'd pick the second one" (at this one everyone same of mind would have probably tried to go down on her straight away...wine blinded me...)

I won the second round, didn't wanted to ask the only question was bouncing in my mind "do you wanna have sex with me?", so after she insisted I went for "what's your favorite color?".
Nothing more happened, we went to sleep.

Escalation:
after a bit of pointless chit chat...she actually started to sleep, and that's when I started to tilt.
I woke her up, asking why she asked that particular question, she says it doesn't matter anymore.
I tilted more and said "ok i'm going to use my question now: are you attracted from me?".
Overt communication...always a bad idea.
She refused to answer, then the dialogue that came out was more or less the following (I'd appreciate if you could avoid to laugh):
ME: do you realize that if I haven't made any move is because I'm playing the rule of the game you have created from the beginning?
HER: what do you mean? I'm pretty tired, so either you're going to explain it clearly or we can just sleep.
ME: do you want a more clear explanations?
HER: [silence]
ME: do you want a more clear explanations?
HER: [mumbles something I haven't understood]
ME: ok you know what? **** it.

And I proceeded to kiss her.
Here, it seemed to be on the good way for me to score, but after a bit she stops me and says:
"You know you can't take it back afterwards right?"
Interpreting this as classic LMR, I proceeded to defuse it consequently (can say push & pull).
What hit me here, and what's the crucial point of this wall of text you (hopefully) just read, is the following.
She clearly started to talk as if she wanted more from me, mentioning that "you know it will be complicated" and that "plus you know as well recently I've just wanted to have fun and nothing serious" to "there are 2 types of guys, the *******s and the nice guy, and I think you are in the second category, as for that I don't want to hurt you".
We then kept talking for a while, about a wide range of topics, including the fact we hang(ed) out with the same people and that she had sex with one of them already.
After a bit, I restarted to kiss her, and she stopped me again mentioning "this is not going to work today".

Fast forward to day 2 of my visit:
we went for a long walk + lunch + afternoon near the lakeside.
During the day we chat again, and my initial impression (that she wanted a relationship) got totally flipped by her: "For the moment I just want to have fun and nothing serious, doesn't matter if it's for a night or like in this case for a week end...so we can just enjoy this week end".

Evening -> Wine -> Movie -> Sex.

If I'd stop here, it wouldn't be a total disaster, after all I scored no?
...but it doesn't stop here (unfortunately).
Day 3: woke up late, walk around the city, back to the apartment, took the luggage and went back to the station to pick up my train.

Now, here is where I majestically ****ed up:
Before jumping on the train that would have took me to the airport, the following dialogue happened:
ME: a couple of more things, firstly I wanted to thank you for the nice week end, I really enjoyed
HER: nothing to thanks, no worries
ME: then, there is one more thing
HER: please don't say anything stupid
ME: I will say something stupid! [while writing this down I just want to sink in the sofa]
About the thing [having a relationship], think about it for a couple of days, because to be honest I'd like to try
HER: [kisses me] have a safe flight!

[1/2]

 

[Game0ver]

Now, this is what disappoints me:
1) I tilted in a so ****ing beta way I can't even explain myself
2) Although going to visit her with the sole purpose of scoring, I found myself re-considering my own ideas after something she said
3) I self-conditioned myself into believing I want something I logically know would not work / would not be good for me.

Now, the big question, basically the reasons for this whole wall of text:
Why am I still failing at this stage?
I got a ONS the very same week this happened, but the girl has been pretty straight forward, so no feelings involved whatsoever.
Why in the moment the girls give me some kind of acknowledgment / compliments / nice words my brain and everything is logical within it passes out and convinces itself that I want a relationship with said girl...when I didn't want it before?

It's not the first time this happened to me, the previous one was way worst.
I guess that to fight this off I'll probably proceed to furiously re-read The Rational Male in the next days, however I'd like to ask you to share your point of view over this situation of mine, as I feel like this is the major point left for me to defeat to get the rid of my past.

Deep thanks in advance at everyone that has gone this far into reading.

[2/2]

 

[TheProspect]

If your intent is to "let go" (of a girl and of your betaness), a good start would be to avoid posting essays about a broad who doesn't want to fvck you and start approaching and/or talking to other girls immediately... That really is the best remedy to both get over a woman and to start eliminating the "beta" within you.


And if I am coming off ignorant, it's because, no, I didn't read you're entire post...

 

[TheProspect]

I'll just add I wasn't being a d!ck...


In my opinion, the best advice is usually advice that can be applied universally. A lot of people want advice in certain scenarios and feel the need to elaborate endlessly to put it in context. Sometimes context is needed if you want situational advice but more often than not universal concepts can be applied just as effectively. Instead of asking situation-by-situation advice i think it's more important to learn universal advice that can be applied to any situation.


When you're unsure of what to do in a situation, just refer to some of the universal concepts of the manosphere ("approach/talk to other women", "if she's not fvcking you you're wasting your time", "she's on your mind too much, go NC/ghost/next before you develop onenitus", "if you're confused, you're the one getting played", etc) as these can be applied in some form in most situations and you'll likely figure out the answer yourself, but a lot of time it's not the answer you want... which is why people write so much in order to rationalize to others (and themselves) why they should or shouldn't follow common advice as if they believe their situation is unique or deserves special examination.


You'll figure it out along the way, trial and error.

Welcome to the forum

 

[Game0ver]

I'll just add I wasn't being a d!ck...


In my opinion, the best advice is usually advice that can be applied universally. A lot of people want advice in certain scenarios and feel the need to elaborate endlessly to put it in context. Sometimes context is needed if you want situational advice but more often than not universal concepts can be applied just as effectively. Instead of asking situation-by-situation advice i think it's more important to learn universal advice that can be applied to any situation.


When you're unsure of what to do in a situation, just refer to some of the universal concepts of the manosphere ("approach/talk to other women", "if she's not fvcking you you're wasting your time", "she's on your mind too much, go NC/ghost/next before you develop onenitus", "if you're confused, you're the one getting played", etc) as these can be applied in some form in most situations and you'll likely figure out the answer yourself, but a lot of time it's not the answer you want... which is why people write so much in order to rationalize to others (and themselves) why they should or shouldn't follow common advice as if they believe their situation is unique or deserves special examination.


You'll figure it out along the way, trial and error.

Welcome to the forum

Thanks a lot for your reply!
Nexting and moving on that's what I planned to do, however this doesn't guarantee me it won't occur again, as apparently it's something rooted deeper whiting my character and I need to understand the root cause first in order to eliminate it.