Stop trying to sell yourself

[Urbanyst]

Been having a lot of epiphanies about dating lately. I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, but I've always been amazing at the early stages of dating. Women always fall for me hard and fast after a few dates. I think the main reason it happens is because I don't try to impress them, so I come off more genuine.

I DON'T SELL MYSELF

When I'm on a first date, I'm really just taking everything in and focusing on learning about the girl. I don't have any expectations and I don't really care what happens. I think this makes the girl more competitive and maybe insecure. Or maybe it just communicates high value. No one with high value needs to sell themselves right?

I don't believe I need to do anything special to get a girl in bed or make her like me. I believe I'm enough the way I am. I think my relaxed attitude makes women feel more attraction.

NO PRESSURE

I don't put pressure on women. I'm a live and let live kind of guy. If a girl wants to wait three days to respond to a text, that's on her. I don't really care. I just stay busy and have fun with or without her.

I think this is why all my relationships have failed. A lot of girls I dated have wanted to get serious after only a few weeks of dating and by 6 months they are hinting about marriage already. What the f*ck? Either that or they accuse me of cheating or being "too emotionally unavailable". One girl I really liked ended up gathering loads of male orbiters to make me jealous. I had to dump her. So my relationships are always toast by the one year mark.

I used to think I was doing something very wrong. But since I started making good MONEY I see it a little different. I think both the dating market and the current culture is dysfunctional. I also think most women SUCK at selling themselves. Their idea of selling themselves is finding ways to make you jealous or insecure so you chase after them. I don't chase!

 

[EmotionalGeek]

One girl I really liked ended up gathering loads of male orbiters to make me jealous. I had to dump her. So my relationships are always toast by the one year mark.

Did you tell her that jealousy is counterproductive or maybe it's the was this girl was?

 

[kenpiffyjr]

You as a man didn't fail....as you are making it clear, you never changed. What happens is their mask comes off and they started asking themselves "is he BB/ a provider?"

At some point in majority of all women's lives they need that type of security because of their insecurity. More or less for status to show their family and friends they are the type to lock a provider down. But don't let that discourage you, these providers will be just that: a provider for means to the woman's purpose but really never the type of attraction she had for you. Would you want that?

I say you're a success story bro.

 

[Serenity]

I think you attract them because you're aloof, I also think you lose their attraction over time for the same reason. They first want to see that you are firm as a rock, that you're emotionally stable. That's attractive as fuck, they don't want a man that easily breaks under pressure. After that they want to see if you care, if you remain aloof at this point there's nothing for them in you. They want a man who cares about himself and his woman, not everyone (like a typical nice guy).

Your mindset for attracting them is spot on, but it won't work over time in a relationship. It's being distant or emotionally unavailable that's really their issue, the fact that you still don't seem to care. They want intimacy, being aloof is pretty much the opposite. This is what makes them think you're cheating, they're right there for you but you seem disinterested and they think it's because you're more interested in someone else. So if you want to continue beyond the 1 year mark you have to care more. You don't have to impress, just remind her now and then that you do think about her and you do care. Not just with words, but also actions. Doesn't have to be big or cost money, just do something nice to her now and then.

The dating market became a source of entertainment after I got a girlfriend. Having been in it and now seeing it from the outside gives an entirely different perspective than those in it have. It's funny when I see guys discussing tactics, it's the exact same tactics we'd hate to see women use. Trying to make the other person chase using tricks. As if they're not good enough in themselves, these tricks is an obvious sign of lacking self-esteem. Because as you say, someone thinking they're good enough wouldn't need tricks or ways to impress. Not trying so hard is practically the simplest thing someone could do and the best way to show value, but fear of loss often drives both men and women to self-sabotage.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

I see your point but I disagree somewhat @Grewd.

What they initially were attracted to is what they ARE attracted to. Him being aloof more into the relationship isn't the problem as if they want intimacy. Intimacy is not the issue. Its either two things:

1. He had to slip as far as the aloofness goes. Women pay attention to everything and every emotional reaction and maybe he pulled the aloofness mask off a little too much for her liking. Only OP can answer that honestly.

2. It's that he's not a provider and if at the time he had money....he probably just never gave enough carrots on a stick to think they would share it with him.

Being aloof is just a great excuse to say either he slipped that whole aura one too many times compared to this new guy who hasn't had a chance to slip or he wasn't a provider.

 

[Serenity]

@kenpiffyjr
1. What do you mean? That he was too good at being aloof or that they saw he pretended to be aloof?

2. This makes me facepalm. Money is not the only value to provide and most often material value is not what they even seek. What he has to provide is free and costs a few minutes of time now and then, that's attention. If you're aloof you won't provide that and they lose interest, it's like having a pet rock, boring as fuck.

According to the information Urbanyst provides I think he's too aloof for a woman to be interested over time. The women even say it, he appears emotionally unavailable, they don't say he's economically unavailable. They want to feel loved, they want more of his attention, but he's aloof, a pet rock.

One way to react to someone who doesn't seem to give a shit is to see what it takes to get their attention. Such as trying to make him jealous by gathering orbiters and lots of other stupid things that might elicit a reaction showing that he does give a shit about them. They do want too feel they're needed just a little bit.

I don't even understand why OP bothers with relationships, he doesn't seem to care about sharing his life with a woman.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

@Grewd

Which is why I said I see your point. Money is not the only example for providing, but providing in today's world has more to do with providing a woman with a certain lifestyle/status she can actually feel secure about within her society. It doesn't have to be paying her bills or buying her gifts, but if she doesn't feel like he possibly could provide her with what SHE feels she needs with him being a provider for her (and that's a definition in her mind that's engineered by her own surrounding's expectations)...yes women will opt out but still be attracted to you. AF/BB

Never in my years on Earth have I seen a woman leave a man who was consistently aloof in their relationship by blaming it on his continuous aloofness...when that's what she was initially attracted to. Never. Who cares what these women say! As we all should know, that's the last thing you pay attention to.

I don't know for a fact if OP slipped...but what I'm putting my chips on is that he didn't maintain a carrot on a stick for them to feel secure in his status or his ability to provide within the future...or yes, he had to slip.

This intimacy crap is nonsense.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Even then listen to what you are saying....a woman will go and move mountains to make him jealous because he's soooo aloof....and then just wake up the next day and say "no I can't do this, he doesn't love me!"

No! Women are emotional and that's not how emotions work. This forum is built around the fact of letting men know that that type of logic is not how women work. If 5 men won't make him jealous, they'll try 10 next...his job is to treat 10 like 0.

 

[Urbanyst]

@Grewd

Which is why I said I see your point. Money is not the only example for providing, but providing in today's world has more to do with providing a woman with a certain lifestyle/status she can actually feel secure about within her society. It doesn't have to be paying her bills or buying her gifts, but if she doesn't feel like he possibly could provide her with what SHE feels she needs with him being a provider for her (and that's a definition in her mind that's engineered by her own surrounding's expectations)...yes women will opt out but still be attracted to you. AF/BB

Never in my years on Earth have I seen a woman leave a man who was consistently aloof in their relationship by blaming it on his continuous aloofness...when that's what she was initially attracted to. Never. Who cares what these women say! As we all should know, that's the last thing you pay attention to.

I don't know for a fact if OP slipped...but what I'm putting my chips on is that he didn't maintain a carrot on a stick for them to feel secure in his status or his ability to provide within the future...or yes, he had to slip.

This intimacy crap is nonsense.

You're saying a guy can never be too aloof? You must be joking. Try forgetting her birthday. See how well that goes.

Another thing I need to point out is that I ended a lot of my relationships. I was not always the one getting dumped. Once the girls start pushing for marriage and getting clingy/possessive I would drop them. I hate drama. Life is too short for that crap and I attract new women too easily to be bothered to put up with drama to keep a current girl. That's part of my aloofness problem too I guess.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

Yes!

Too aloof is not the problem. If you genuinely forget her birthday...a woman will not leave you if she's into you! This attitude shows me why I said it could be that you may have slipped. "Try forgetting her birthday and See how well that goes" is a AFC girly comment.

I'm not arguing whether you broke up or they did. Doesn't matter. The conversation you introduced is that aloofness was the reason your relationships don't last. But think about this...if you still did all the breaking up, that's proving everything I write true. You're just opting out before you give them the chance to show you they'd still stick around some how.

 

[Urbanyst]

Yes!

Too aloof is not the problem. If you genuinely forget her birthday...a woman will not leave you if she's into you! This attitude shows me why I said it could be that you may have slipped. "Try forgetting her birthday and See how well that goes" is a AFC girly comment.

I'm not arguing whether you broke up or they did. Doesn't matter. The conversation you introduced is that aloofness was the reason your relationships don't last. But think about this...if you still did all the breaking up, that's proving everything I write true. You're just opting out before you give them the chance to show you they'd still stick around some how.

Its not an AFC comment. Forgetting a girls birthday causes drama. I mentioned that I don't like drama. My aloofness leads to drama when the girl feels I don't care enough or I'm not committed enough emotionally.

I'm confident a lot of the girls I dumped would of stuck around past the one year mark. But I didn't want to keep it going because those girls become too possessive, demanding or controlling to make the relationship worth it to me. I like to have a fun, relaxed and easy going relationship with women. Seems I can't keep that going longer than one year so far.

 

[kenpiffyjr]

It is man. If a woman starts drama, be a rock. How you handle it determines the way they will continue. If she continues with the drama, disengage, walk away and go work out or something and covertly show her that the nonsense is not tolerated.

What you are complaining about is women! This is what's fun for them. If the sex and companionship isn't fun during the times you want it, let them go. But This is like a celebrity complaining about paparazzi. You have to act like the cameras, photos, screaming, and wanting a E! Inside look into your life comes with the territory of being famous. Let women be women and just enjoy the ride. If you don't want the paps there, fall off and they'll go to the next hot shot celeb.

 

[dude99]

Been having a lot of epiphanies about dating lately. I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, but I've always been amazing at the early stages of dating. Women always fall for me hard and fast after a few dates. I think the main reason it happens is because I don't try to impress them, so I come off more genuine.

I DON'T SELL MYSELF

When I'm on a first date, I'm really just taking everything in and focusing on learning about the girl. I don't have any expectations and I don't really care what happens. I think this makes the girl more competitive and maybe insecure. Or maybe it just communicates high value. No one with high value needs to sell themselves right?

I don't believe I need to do anything special to get a girl in bed or make her like me. I believe I'm enough the way I am. I think my relaxed attitude makes women feel more attraction.

NO PRESSURE

I don't put pressure on women. I'm a live and let live kind of guy. If a girl wants to wait three days to respond to a text, that's on her. I don't really care. I just stay busy and have fun with or without her.

I think this is why all my relationships have failed. A lot of girls I dated have wanted to get serious after only a few weeks of dating and by 6 months they are hinting about marriage already. What the f*ck? Either that or they accuse me of cheating or being "too emotionally unavailable". One girl I really liked ended up gathering loads of male orbiters to make me jealous. I had to dump her. So my relationships are always toast by the one year mark.

I used to think I was doing something very wrong. But since I started making good MONEY I see it a little different. I think both the dating market and the current culture is dysfunctional. I also think most women SUCK at selling themselves. Their idea of selling themselves is finding ways to make you jealous or insecure so you chase after them. I don't chase!

When you take everything in, you let nothing out. You create a mystery about yourself and that is a challenge to girls. They want this. They will try to solve this puzzle because it's exactly what they want

When you sell yourself (most guys over sell) you run the risk of killing challenge. You run the risk of defeating challenge and women will learn too much too soon and that drives interest down.

 

[Urbanyst]

You run the risk of defeating challenge and women will learn too much too soon and that drives interest down.

Funny you should say that.

In every instance in my life where a woman started with high interest and it dropped off later.. it was usually after I opened up to her in some way. Women don't really LIKE to see your soft side no matter how much they claim they do. They like you to be gentle and intimate with them. But they don't like when you act weak or soft. Once I learned this, I became very closed off to women emotionally. This is the aloofness I have today. I don't trust them with my emotions because I know they will just use it against me. Furthermore, they don't really care how I feel unless it benefits them. So why bother with drama and worrying about outcomes? Just relax and have fun right? When you can have fun, dump them.

I remember when I was still in college and I told this girl I was dating how I ran away from a fight in high school. I could FEEL her interest level drop. Its like any hint of weakness makes a woman's p*ssy dry up and her legs close. Your best bet is to be as mysterious as possible for as long as possible. Sadly.

 

[dude99]

Funny you should say that.

In every instance in my life where a woman started with high interest and it dropped off later.. it was usually after I opened up to her in some way. Women don't really LIKE to see your soft side no matter how much they claim they do. They like you to be gentle and intimate with them. But they don't like when you act weak or soft. Once I learned this, I became very closed off to women emotionally. This is the aloofness I have today. I don't trust them with my emotions because I know they will just use it against me. Furthermore, they don't really care how I feel unless it benefits them. So why bother with drama and worrying about outcomes? Just relax and have fun right? When you can have fun, dump them.

I remember when I was still in college and I told this girl I was dating how I ran away from a fight in high school. I could FEEL her interest level drop. Its like any hint of weakness makes a woman's p*ssy dry up and her legs close. Your best bet is to be as mysterious as possible for as long as possible. Sadly.

Bingo. Quickest way to destroy your relationship? Tell them how you feel.