If your woman cheat on you, it's your fault?

[Pilotnic]

Hi guys, thanks for reading!

My biggest fear in a long term relationship with a woman is that she is with you not because she truly likes you, but because she doesn't want to be alone or because at first she saw something 'interesting' in you. What happen if she meets someone more interesting than you? Would be your fault if she cheat on you, because you're not man enough or you're a nice guy?

Sometimes I think I shouldn't worry because all people take risk at falling in love, even the best DJ. I'm in my early 20's, In this ongoing journey of self improvement and self awareness I came to realize that I have deep insecurities: I've been looking for someone who can loves me unconditionally, a safe zone where I cannot be rejected, a fail proof love. I guess this is the result of mainstream "romanticism'' (like music, movies, books, popular culture), a mother who loves unconditionally, and growing up without a father. The problem here is that I have this need of "to love somebody" and "being loved" but I don't know how exactly real LOVE looks like, because I've been in very few and shorts relationships. Is love just an illusion made by 200,000 years of evolution and painted by romanticism as something magic (therefore we should ignore that "need")?

Maybe there is an easier answer to all this: I have scarcity mindset.

What are your thoughts on this?
Any advice for me?
Any book, blog, article, video on this topic?

Thank you!

 

[AlphaNate]

A woman might cheat on you because of you. A woman might cheat on your because she wants to. A woman might cheat on you for no reason at all.

Stop trying to figure these things out - they don't matter.

Get off the Disney train and spin plates.

 

[Glassguy]

If a woman is that unhappy with the relationship and looking for someone else, she should be decent enough to exit the relationship prior to cheating.

Some women are just wh0res who love multiple men, get bored easily with one man, etc. Those women should be decent enough to accept no more than plate status and not enter a relationship until they calm down a few notches and get the c0ck carousel out of their system.

Unfortunately, how it should work vs how it does work with some women is night and day.

The man is not responsible for the woman peeling her panties off and letting another man stick his c0ck in her, but you can get to the point of not ignoring the warning signs and protect yourself against it by walking or her correcting her behavior by knowing you'll walk.

 

[Pilotnic]

If a woman is that unhappy with the relationship and looking for someone else, she should be decent enough to exit the relationship prior to cheating.

Some women are just wh0res who love multiple men, get bored easily with one man, etc. Those women should be decent enough to accept no more than plate status and not enter a relationship until they calm down a few notches and get the c0ck carousel out of their system.

Unfortunately, how it should work vs how it does work with some women is night and day.

The man is not responsible for the woman peeling her panties off and letting another man stick his c0ck in her, but you can get to the point of not ignoring the warning signs and protect yourself against it by walking or her correcting her behavior by knowing you'll walk.

Thank you so much for your answer. I'd like you to watch "Black Mirror episode "The Entire History of You", and tell us your thoughts about it.

 

[dude99]

Hi guys, thanks for reading!

My biggest fear in a long term relationship with a woman is that she is with you not because she truly likes you, but because she doesn't want to be alone or because at first she saw something 'interesting' in you. What happen if she meets someone more interesting than you? Would be your fault if she cheat on you, because you're not man enough or you're a nice guy?

Sometimes I think I shouldn't worry because all people take risk at falling in love, even the best DJ. I'm in my early 20's, In this ongoing journey of self improvement and self awareness I came to realize that I have deep insecurities: I've been looking for someone who can loves me unconditionally, a safe zone where I cannot be rejected, a fail proof love. I guess this is the result of mainstream "romanticism'' (like music, movies, books, popular culture), a mother who loves unconditionally, and growing up without a father. The problem here is that I have this need of "to love somebody" and "being loved" but I don't know how exactly real LOVE looks like, because I've been in very few and shorts relationships. Is love just an illusion made by 200,000 years of evolution and painted by romanticism as something magic (therefore we should ignore that "need")?

Maybe there is an easier answer to all this: I have scarcity mindset.

What are your thoughts on this?
Any advice for me?
Any book, blog, article, video on this topic?

Thank you!

Cheating says more about the character of the cheater than it does about the person they cheat on.

Have this mentality. If you feel you are temporary in her eyes and it's only a matter of time? Move on.

If she has already crossed the boundaries you have set, move on.

 

[fastlife]

Hey @Pilotnic,

I can definitely relate to what you've written--a similar viewpoint (and background) informed my earlier 20's--but I didn't have an awareness of any possible alternative paradigms. Getting to where I am now required immense amounts of emotional trauma lol--but I was immensely stubborn and hopefully that won't be necessary for you. Anyway:

What you interpret as Love right now is actually Need. That's OK--that's how the vast majority of people in Western society experience 'Love.' However, it's problematic. This view of love always leads to codependency--wherein you require the other person to maintain your new baseline of how you feel about yourself. Lines blur to where they are no longer an addition to your life but a necessity. This leads to jealousy, possessiveness, taking them for granted, a loss of self, a loss of viewing your partner as having a self of their own, neglecting your own responsibilities, stagnation, fear, etc.

This paradigm is super feminine--women love out of necessity (to an extent--at least before modern conveniences & survival buffers, women had to love to survive). They cannot stand to be 'needed' for any length of time. So relationships informed by this mindset almost always lead to a loss of attraction, breakups, infidelity, manipulations, etc. Men see the flaws in the original paradigm to the extent that they can no longer buy into it--and then they interpret this as 'losing the ability to love' lol. And then they mourn this loss instead of finding new paradigms from which to love (or not).

But before we get into other possible paradigms, let's focus on why you feel this way and what you need to do about it. You still haven't separated from your mother. Let that sink in. You still haven't developed a sense of self independent from her. And she hasn't cultivating this detachment--which is necessary for your growth--SINCE IT'S NOT IN HER BEST INTERESTS!!! On one hand, she does love you and wants you to be a man and to no longer need her and to pursue your own best interests and your own happiness (and pursuing this path will actually make her the happiest in the long run). But by doing so she'll lose access to your potential provisioning (on a small, reliable scale) and your utility as an easily controlled masculine resource (which she, being an unattached female, doesn't have in her life right now). The responsibility for this detachment is up to you.

Now, I'm not saying to cut her off or tell her off or anything of that nature. But if you feel guilty when you ignore her for a while--examine the validity of that feeling. If you feel obligated to take care of her in her old age--examine the validity of that feeling. If you do/say things expressly for her approval--examine the validity of that motivation. And change. None of those are healthy impulses. Yeah, they seem honorable and noble, but you have one life to live and you were never meant to spend your whole life taking care of mama or looking for her proxy in the women that you date. Respect her by respecting more her life's work--YOU.

OK, so onto love with other females. Can it exist and what does it look like? On a purely evolutionary level, Love is a Survival strategy for women and a Replication strategy for men. So fvck that, just pump and dump lol. Women (from a male emotional wiring perspective) are just manipulating you anyway (even though most of them don't mean to and don't even know they're doing it--your mom included). But from an evolutionarily perspective, humans are also wired for community, for congregation, for connection on a broader level than P in V. And P in V, emotional suppression, only chase your goals and fvck everyone else, isn't going to be all that fulfilling or emotionally healthy for you. (Don't get me wrong--there's a time and a place for connecting with a girl sexually and nothing more and discretion demands that you recognize when you connect with someone sexually but realize they won't be good for your long term development or happiness.)

So what else is there? I think this is a question every man has to answer for himself. Here is a super brief synopsis of my view: Love is making sure all of my needs are already met so that anything I give is given freely. Love is being a man. Love is leadership. Love is feeling good about myself. Love is pursuing my own best purpose. Love is freedom. Love is joy. Love is desire. Love is not a finite resource that can only be spent on one person. Love is free of expectation. Love is free of judgment. And most importantly, Love is letting people make the decisions that are best for themselves, even if that means cutting you out of their lives entirely.

Compared to the urgency & chemical intensity of neediness masked as love, this kind of love is more of a calm, measured, fondness. It's a little boring and sometimes pretty painful (sometimes you have to let people hate you for a while or to make some pretty sh1tty decisions from your perspective). But giving people the freedom to be themselves (and not some projection of what you want them to be to feed your own needs) is the greatest gift you can give another person--even if some girls, who are stuck in the old paradigm, absolutely hate you in the short term for not playing into that frame.

If you want somewhere to start, I'd start with meditation. I outlined my routine here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/create-your-own-confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/

Additionally, Julien & Owen from RSD explore different conceptions of love in the videos below. Might not resonate with you (and they're super long), but I remember being mind-blown by their perspectives a year or so ago.

 

[Pilotnic]

@fastlife You're one of the reasons why I love internet and why I have a lot respect for Sosuave community. First off let me thank you for taking the time to read and answer me, I appreciate it a lot. I feel a lot of joy and relief while reading you, it's hard find people who can relate with you. I didn't explain a lot, but you were able to understand very well my situation, and your answer gave me a lot tools, and they certainly will change and help me out. I hope to overcome this situation, and keep improving. In the future I want help people like me, I'll keep in touch. Thank you

 

[Initiatedindenial]

Why would you put it on terms of fault? You cannot get validation from Women. If someone cheats on you says a lot about who they are, because as other posters have said, you always have the choice of walking away. There is a reason why is called "cheating".

 

[greatsnake]

women don't have to have a reason to why they cheat. Get yourself up and do what you want to do

 

[Pilotnic]

Why would you put it on terms of fault? You cannot get validation from Women. If someone cheats on you says a lot about who they are, because as other posters have said, you always have the choice of walking away. There is a reason why is called "cheating".

There was this other guy that became a super successful lawyer. He bought the token status car and made a mini-mansion. He went to the gym every other night. He had money, had status, and looked great. He thought the ladies would find him PERFECT. Well, they did find him perfect but not for the reasons he wanted. They found him PERFECT for STABILITY. So he married a ‘super hot babe’ and had kids (which he paid for a nanny to take care of). What does the ‘super hot babe’ do? She cheats on him! “Don’t you love him?” "Yes, yes I very much do,” and she speaks the truth. No, she sleeps around because SHE IS BORED. He dehumanized everything. She doesn’t have to work, doesn’t have to raise the kids, and doesn’t have to do anything. Of course she won’t leave him. And of course she is in ‘love’ with him (or rather his STABILITY). - The book of pook

In this paragraph Pook seems to put the fault on him, am i wrong?

 

[greatsnake]

There was this other guy that became a super successful lawyer. He bought the token status car and made a mini-mansion. He went to the gym every other night. He had money, had status, and looked great. He thought the ladies would find him PERFECT. Well, they did find him perfect but not for the reasons he wanted. They found him PERFECT for STABILITY. So he married a ‘super hot babe’ and had kids (which he paid for a nanny to take care of). What does the ‘super hot babe’ do? She cheats on him! “Don’t you love him?” "Yes, yes I very much do,” and she speaks the truth. No, she sleeps around because SHE IS BORED. He dehumanized everything. She doesn’t have to work, doesn’t have to raise the kids, and doesn’t have to do anything. Of course she won’t leave him. And of course she is in ‘love’ with him (or rather his STABILITY). - The book of pook

In this paragraph Pook seems to put the fault on him, am i wrong?

lol there is so much to learn from this.

 

[RangerMIke]

When a man feels love he is feeling something TOTALLY different from what a women feels when she says she is in love. So the 1st thing you have to understand that what you and your chick are feeling is completely different. "Love" is a chemical process which mimics a state which encourages bonding, for the purpose of procreation and development of off-spring. It isn't fvcking BS magic, it is how oxytocin interacts with testosterone and/or estrogen. Since we have more of one, and they have more of the other, what we 'feel' is totally different.

Normal healthy men feel love and the need to bond with women they are physically attracted to and also women we think need our protection and support. We are naturally inclined to 'white knight' even for hoes.... this is CHEMISTRY.

Normal healthy women feel love and the need to bond with men that are in demand (if other chicks want him there must be something there), that is physically attractive (symmetrical features and a fit body), and someone with a demonstrable ability to support her and her spawn. So men that are in demand to not get needy because they have their pick. If a man is physically attractive, then they appear to be able to protect them, and if they have some level of social proof and status, then they feel love. If you are a man... and you are meeting all her needs, AND she does not think she can do better than you, she will love you and stay in love with you. If you are NOT meeting ANY one of her needs, she will instinctively be drawn to a man that she believes will, IF that man shows her interest.

So in the Pook example above... I find it unlikely that a perfect man meeting all a chick's needs would have her cheat on him because she is bored... it is more likely she would bankrupt the poor dude while she spent his money as she entertains herself.... If she is cheating on him, than that guy is NOT meeting one or more of her needs. I have had two married chicks hit on me HARD this past year, hooking up with them would have been easy, both their husbands are great guys, and if you ever saw them on Facebook, you would swear they had a perfect freaking marriage, but with one.... the chick actually came out and told me she isn't attracted to her husband anymore because she makes more money than him, and he isn't interested in trying to be anything more than a college professor teaching English. The other chick, her husbands is just a blue collar kind of guy, he has money and his own company, but he makes no effort to gain social status... he's a great guy... he's one of those business owner ANYONE would love to work for...he's a working boss, complete with the Duck Dynasty beard and blue collar clothes (he runs a metal fabricating shop). He just doesn't look the part, and he's not into keeping fit.

THIS IS NOT THE MAN"S FAULT. You can not be expected to meet your woman's every expectation to keep her happy. But this is how women are wired... they can not help it... it isn't excusing behavior, it is recognizing female nature. All you really can hope for is to do the best you can, and if a chick cheats on you, dump her.... But understand the next chick is just going to do the same thing to you, unless you lower your standards and hook up with a women who is below you in SMV.

Don't try looking for a loyal woman, because if you find one that is 'loyal', really all she is going to do is not put the kind of effort into making herself attractive, she will turn herself into a fat miserable nagging shrew... but godd@mnit she will be loyal.... she ain't going no where until your stress and misery puts you in the grave.

 

[Desdinova]

What happen if she meets someone more interesting than you? Would be your fault if she cheat on you, because you're not man enough or you're a nice guy?

I've found that the bottom line why women cheat on you is because you're NOT the best guy she's ever met. That's all it really boils down to.

Men will generally think that the best man is the one who treats her like a princess. While that makes sense to our logical brains, it doesn't work in real life. The best man a woman meets is the first guy who is confident, interesting, fun, gives her emotional fluctuation, and has stuck his c0ck inside of her. Nobody before lives up to him, and nobody after lives up to him.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I've found that the bottom line why women cheat on you is because you're NOT the best guy she's ever met. That's all it really boils down to.

Men will generally think that the best man is the one who treats her like a princess. While that makes sense to our logical brains, it doesn't work in real life. The best man a woman meets is the first guy who is confident, interesting, fun, gives her emotional fluctuation, and has stuck his c0ck inside of her. Nobody before lives up to him, and nobody after lives up to him.

Not trying to be call any inconsistencies out here but just spark good conversation. I've seen you post multiple times on this site that a guy on the top of her HSL can still get cheated on..so which one is it?

 

[bigneil]

Wow pelvischestly, it's been a few hours since you started a new account (something you apparently do in order to sound like a different wuss). You're like a dozen wussies, all in one.

What happen if she meets someone more interesting than you?

Then - by definition of more interesting - and your confession - she will indeed leave you. And yes it was your fault she cheated. #1 you must have asked for a commitment and #2 she must have had better options than you. Try being more interesting. Quick! Say something about a male model!

Would be your fault if she cheat on you, because you're not man enough or you're a nice guy? I've been looking for someone who can loves me unconditionally, a safe zone where I cannot be rejected, a fail proof love. I guess this is the result of mainstream "romanticism'' (like music, movies, books, popular culture), a mother who loves unconditionall... I have this need of "to love somebody" and "being loved" but I don't know how exactly real LOVE looks like, because I've been in very few and shorts relationships. Any advice for me?

This is called your inner wuss. Your mommy lied to you your whole life. She told you that someday you'd find another woman to wipe your butt.

You didn't grow up without a father. You grew up with 150 Million fathers. They are called taxpayers who underwrote your mom so she could still reproduce whiny romantics while failing to A) produce anything or B) keep any man happy.

My advice is work hard for 5 years. Get your feet wet and your hands dirty. Once you become a man women will love you for your ability to take care of them. They are never going to love sweet little unemployed you for you - ever.

 

[bigneil]

I've found that the bottom line why women cheat on you is because you're NOT the best guy she's ever met. That's all it really boils down to.

Men will generally think that the best man is the one who treats her like a princess. While that makes sense to our logical brains, it doesn't work in real life. The best man a woman meets is the first guy who is confident, interesting, fun, gives her emotional fluctuation, and has stuck his c0ck inside of her. Nobody before lives up to him, and nobody after lives up to him.

This is true. Also remember: when you find a young and wild woman she won't always know right away you are the best she's had until she has fling or two after you. You become an acquired taste for her. Slowly but surely she realizes what she was missing. It works both ways - when you find the right girl and have options you'll find that sleeping with other women makes you miss your favorite! That's when it's like trying to back to drinking Bud Lite draft after she develops a taste for Guinness. She needs to have a few people after you to realize that nobody after you compares. Some guys can't handle this. They need to think she automatically committed, but it's a mistake. Your relationship is actually much stronger if she has slept with other men and missed you than if she longs to sleep with other men. It's often at this point that they grow up and stop sleeping around. That's why you should never worry about a commitment. She will either leave you or commit to you at some point.

 

[bigneil]

Cheating says more about the character of the cheater than it does about the person they cheat on.
If she has already crossed the boundaries you have set, move on.

Cheating also says a lot about the one who was so possessive they needed a commitment in the first place. Alpha males set no boundaries.

What beta males want is to get laid and then impose moral obligations for her to stay with his sorry, chunky, low-paid butt.

 

[Initiatedindenial]

There was this other guy that became a super successful lawyer. He bought the token status car and made a mini-mansion. He went to the gym every other night. He had money, had status, and looked great. He thought the ladies would find him PERFECT. Well, they did find him perfect but not for the reasons he wanted. They found him PERFECT for STABILITY. So he married a ‘super hot babe’ and had kids (which he paid for a nanny to take care of). What does the ‘super hot babe’ do? She cheats on him! “Don’t you love him?” "Yes, yes I very much do,” and she speaks the truth. No, she sleeps around because SHE IS BORED. He dehumanized everything. She doesn’t have to work, doesn’t have to raise the kids, and doesn’t have to do anything. Of course she won’t leave him. And of course she is in ‘love’ with him (or rather his STABILITY). - The book of pook

In this paragraph Pook seems to put the fault on him, am i wrong?

Maybe I'm not the best to ask, I'm quite an amateur around here. But I will give my 0.02.

There is always cause and effect. In a relationship everything derives from something else. I'm prone to believe that the girl in the story is just a brat that believes that she needs to be constantly entertained (If you have dated this type you know what I mean), hence the extract "she doesn't work, doesn't take care of the kids...etc". This is a major red flag, when considering LTR I always look for a woman that doesn't need to be entertained, that has her own independent goals and hobbies (**** hunting doesn t count).

Is the Men at fault for pursuing his own proffesional development? Probably not. For choosing this type of woman? Maybe. For being cheated on? Definitely not, certain things you cannot control.

Too many variables, not everything can be standardized in human interactions.

 

[Desdinova]

This is true. Also remember: when you find a young and wild woman she won't always know right away you are the best she's had until she has fling or two after you.

This is true for many women. They'll get rid of their stallion because they have the belief that they can find a unicorn. When they cannot find the unicorn, they will want the stallion back.

However, some women will realise what they have and won't risk losing it.

 

[bigneil]

This is true for many women. They'll get rid of their stallion because they have the belief that they can find a unicorn. When they cannot find the unicorn, they will want the stallion back.

However, some women will realise what they have and won't risk losing it.

Most girls have at least a FB, ex or recent bf on the side, and when you start dating her, those relationships don't usually stop overnight, but she should phase them out quickly. Also, most women around age 20 have never been faithful to anyone. They sleep with whoever they want. It's not cheating at that stage because she hasn't promised to be faithful. As men, in that situation we should be focusing on our other women, not trying to lock her down. It has to be her idea to be committed, and when she's asking you for a commitment, she will be faithful at that time. If you ask her not to sleep with anyone else, you are simply tempting her and letting her know you feel beneath her.

So many men here think they can use this formula:

1) Game her even though he is broke.
2) Sleep with her and then lock her down by letting her know what his boundaries are.
3) Give her a huge guilt trip if she is not faithful.
4) Whine about how his ex had BPD after she dumps his sorry butt.