Moved in... everything changed

[Initiatedindenial]

1. You are an emotional wreck. Why the fck are you so stressed? You're a man aren't you?

2. Just because you live together, doesn't mean the game changes drastically.

1. I'm not, I meant for her...
2. You are right on there, thanks for the insight.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

OP, what do you plan to do next?

 

[SmooveMooves]

Thank you all for your replies. I believe is going to be very difficult to maintain insecurity by living together. Yesterday I went out without notice and got back home late and she was super pissed and barely spoke to me. I just ignored her tantrum.
This morning she woke up made me breakfast and apologized for "being horrible gf". Told her that I understood that she was stressed but it was not acceptable. Either way I don't see this trick working in the long run...

Good way to handle it. Idk why everyone here thinks women are stupid. She knew exactly what was up and you staying out late reminded her "oh shít, I can lose him." So she stepped up her game a lil bit. But you're right that trick shouldn’t work again. Living together puts immense strain on a relationship but it can be done.

 

[Initiatedindenial]

OP, what do you plan to do next?

Here's the conundrum

I can keep playing games but reality is that she will only show her true colors when she feels safe... I moved with her thinking as a potential long term deal... so I kind of rather prefer to stay put and see how she behaves...

I m monitoring my behaviour as well... some of people's replies here have given me an idea of things that I'm doing wrong, I believe that her behaving like she doesn't need to make an effort may have to do with me doing the same? Off course my change is in terms of alphaness/betaness behaviour... Can it be that that is the tradeoff? I had never though about it in these terms...

 

[dude99]

It's one if several things:

1.) She has you where she wants you and the fun is over. No more challenge or chase and she doesn't like it .

2.) Sleight of hand trick- she was deceptive in leading you to believe you were getting one thing while having something else waiting for you.

Have a brief talk about it and let her know that your not happy with how things have went in less than a month. DO NOT bring up sex. This will backfire on you. Only bring up the other things and tell her that you feel as if you got along better living apart.

See what she says. If she gives you any resistance, find a place to stay for a few days and tell her you need to figure out what is best. Hopefully you still have a plate or two on hand.

I agree with both points. Everything is going right on track according to HER schedule so now she feels comfortable enoughto let the real her out.

 

[sazc]

Thank you all for your replies. I believe is going to be very difficult to maintain insecurity by living together. Yesterday I went out without notice and got back home late and she was super pissed and barely spoke to me. I just ignored her tantrum.
This morning she woke up made me breakfast and apologized for "being horrible gf". Told her that I understood that she was stressed but it was not acceptable. Either way I don't see this trick working in the long run...

I think this is a good illustration of "ignore her if she is being distant and decide 'if she's going to be distant, I will focus on me and what makes me happy" and, when you actively do that, she's going to understand that she needs to actively be someone you want to be with, pay attention to, etc.

This is an interesting situation tho. It reminds me how no one discusses their expectations prior to large life events. Why not have the conversation "what are your expectations for sex, attention, finances, etc, etc, etc" after we move in together?" It's akin to premarital counseling where the couple has the help f a therapist to determine if they are on the same page/compatible. Most couples dont do any of this, they just go in blind expecting that their needs are going to get met, and they end up unhappy and illl satisfied. Then you throw the inability to effectively communicate and compromise on top of that (b/c let's be honest, we all suck at that) and this is the prefect recipe for breaking up and/or divorcing.

You absolutely can try to strong arm your needs our of her. Do a 'soft next' or ignore her when you are feeling ignored and simply 'do you'. Thing is, she may not be able to synthesize your soft next/ignoring into the realization of a need you are having that is not being met, she may see you as being passive aggressive, and she may get resentful that you are ignoring her, and then start to act out based on that. then it's all a downhill spiral from there until chaos and destruction happens as you break up. Then you get to come back on these boards and have a lot of people say "see, I told you so, women are b1tches and are only good to pump and dump!"

The other route is to try to talk to her about your expectations and needs, allow her to do the same, and see if you two can be there for each other (you know, try to BUILD a strong relationship) You dont have o lose frame while asking for what you need. You state your need in the form of an expectation (do this gently but firmly) and see how she reacts. Someone who wants the relationship to succeed and wants you to be happy with the, is going to take you seriously and do their best to be the person you need them to be.

The determination of if this person is right for you starts with conversation. Communicating openly, expressing your needs and expectations in an effort to determine if the other person is all in or not, isnt popular on these boards. Take that into deep consideration.

 

[Glassguy]

OP- How long did you date this chick before moving in?

 

[Konada]

https://therationalmale.com/2012/03/27/dread-games/

 

[Initiatedindenial]

Helll All

Thanks for the feedback.

OP- How long did you date this chick before moving in?

Slightly over a year so not a long time.

I agree with both points. Everything is going right on track according to HER schedule so now she feels comfortable enoughto let the real her out.

Thanks for your insight. I kind of used this to leverage my position, I started to try to put things on the same level and making her feel unhappy. This was a very important point as you will read below.

I think this is a good illustration of "ignore her if she is being distant and decide 'if she's going to be distant, I will focus on me and what makes me happy" and, when you actively do that, she's going to understand that she needs to actively be someone you want to be with, pay attention to, etc.

This is an interesting situation tho. It reminds me how no one discusses their expectations prior to large life events. Why not have the conversation "what are your expectations for sex, attention, finances, etc, etc, etc" after we move in together?" It's akin to premarital counseling where the couple has the help f a therapist to determine if they are on the same page/compatible. Most couples dont do any of this, they just go in blind expecting that their needs are going to get met, and they end up unhappy and illl satisfied. Then you throw the inability to effectively communicate and compromise on top of that (b/c let's be honest, we all suck at that) and this is the prefect recipe for breaking up and/or divorcing.

You absolutely can try to strong arm your needs our of her. Do a 'soft next' or ignore her when you are feeling ignored and simply 'do you'. Thing is, she may not be able to synthesize your soft next/ignoring into the realization of a need you are having that is not being met, she may see you as being passive aggressive, and she may get resentful that you are ignoring her, and then start to act out based on that. then it's all a downhill spiral from there until chaos and destruction happens as you break up. Then you get to come back on these boards and have a lot of people say "see, I told you so, women are b1tches and are only good to pump and dump!"

The other route is to try to talk to her about your expectations and needs, allow her to do the same, and see if you two can be there for each other (you know, try to BUILD a strong relationship) You dont have o lose frame while asking for what you need. You state your need in the form of an expectation (do this gently but firmly) and see how she reacts. Someone who wants the relationship to succeed and wants you to be happy with the, is going to take you seriously and do their best to be the person you need them to be.

The determination of if this person is right for you starts with conversation. Communicating openly, expressing your needs and expectations in an effort to determine if the other person is all in or not, isnt popular on these boards. Take that into deep consideration.

As a starter I m definitely not a hard core PUA believer (hence my nickname).

Many thanks for your feedback. However women do not respect direct communication, if I were to talk to her directly she would maybe agree but then worsen her behaviour.

Based on several of your replies what I did is communicating with her that I was unhappy by behaving that way. It was actually really easy and it took just a couple of days for her to understand the message and approach me for a direct conversation.

As a result passionate sex came back and she is back to before moving in "normal".

I believe that my conclusion will have to be that you have to balance what you give with what you are receiving. Have to earn your keep. And it is logical as human beings are selfish by nature.

That's my 2 cents.

Again thank you all for your help.