My (un)stable me

[Silko]

Hi all

I'm struggling. Longtime. Since my 17s (now 42).
I wrote "(un)stable", cause it is in a specific situation I get lost.
I'm especially getting in troubles in a relationship, or mostly it seems that all of my relationships were with people that start to walk over me.

In short, during my adolescence I suffered constantly emotional abuse of my father. Heavily. "I feel bad, so you all feel bad". Until I could leave home, my protection was locking down myself. I refused any longer to say any word at home. I left at 25.

Since last break-up (9 months ago) I felt I needed a psy. Because I seem to collapse more than just going through a break-up.
So I did, and I started to see that I'm very used to say nothing when feeling a conflicting situation (like at home). This is a 2nd break-up in 10 years ... ending with same huge pains. It is also my fault. I do not have the power to say in time what I feel, or what I dont want. So, as result last ex is pulling and pushing me since 9 months. I hope I could stop this now by blocking everything. But also during relationship, I forget to communicate in time, cause scared to lose that person again. As my adolescence was so horrifying ... I tend to become emotionally needy, whatever compensation I need to make actually. I know this is not good an IS the reason to get in troubles with myself, or let lasting a relationship that is actually not ok (for me).

I'm deeply sad, feeling so painful to discover this costed me all those years, being 42, single again ... and I am/was looking so forward to a lovely person in my life to have also a family with.
I am a very positive person ... but I'm afraid I'm losing this ... but I don't want that!
Afraid the damage is too much to be able to heal 100%.

I just come here, to tell, to share cause I feel extremely vulnerable .. and sometimes .. I don't know what to do. Last months ... I'm more or less constantly on the edge of tears.

I do try to offer myself of course a good time. I love travelling, and I do as hell. Not to escape from myself ... but I do feel good to meet new people that dont know my background. Like a fresh start.

Sometimes, I feel, it's enough.

Thx, Silko

 

[Silko]

It sounds like you'll do anything to avoid conflict, and you give so much ground it makes you miserable because your own needs are not being met. It stems from the turmoil created by your father, and the fact that you as a child probably would have done anything to have a peaceful home. So you steered clear and shut down. Is that a correct summary?

Exactly. I don't want to blame myself fully of course concerning not 'succeeding' relationship. There is also some luck needed to match a good mate. But last 10y were just painful. At least I forgot to be selfish in time ....

Thx for your input! Much appreciated.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Exactly. I don't want to blame myself fully of course concerning not 'succeeding' relationship. There is also some luck needed to match a good mate. But last 10y were just painful. At least I forgot to be selfish in time ....

Thx for your input! Much appreciated.

Forgive yourself though. There are people who wouldn't walk over you even if they could... It's probably likely due to the ones you where pairing up with. Still as an adult you should know how to handle those situations. I don't think your preference should be a woman who'd dog you out given the chance though.

 

[resilient]

Hey Silko, I'm going through some similar issues right now at 35. My most recent relationship just ended and I've had some time to think of why I may contributed to the abrupt ending.

I'm sort of journaling my progress in my catharsis and the inner-child thread into dealing with leftover trauma from childhood that is causing me to seek out bad partners only to allow them to manipulate, control, disrespect and show no desire to meet my needs.

It's healthy that you identified that you suffered emotional abuse from your father in your childhood until you left the home at 25. Don't beat yourself up man. It's easier to do that when you let others wear you down psychologically that you to where you internalize the rejection into allowing that wound to fester and lower your self-esteem.

Face and accept what happened to you in the past, forgive your father (you don't have to forget), forgive your ex's for leaving you and learn to be dependable self-sufficient 42 man by giving yourself validation, discipline, nurturance, and complete unequivocal acceptance.

Believe in yourself man. Find motivations, hobbies, career, and pursuits that continually lift your self-esteem up.

People only psychologically abuse you only when you allow them to invade your boundaries and what you stand for as a man. Don't let them. Don't be afraid to call them out for dishing out crap.

 

[Silko]

Believe in yourself man. Find motivations, hobbies, career, and pursuits that continually lift your self-esteem up.

Thx man, and I hope u sort things quicker than me.

I do indeed focus back on me, and luckily my hobby is my work and gives me freedom too on how I want to work. This helped in the past and will do now.

 

[FwoGiZ]

I really don't want to sound like an ******* but seeing everybody being so supportive and stuff... it stinks to my face. All I am seeing is a bunch of chicks telling their one sad friend all kind of bs just to make her feel better instead of giving her a solution, because that's what chicks do. They never tell each other reality. That's what I love bout real dudes, they tell you straight up "you're an idiot and it's all your fault... man up!"
So I'll be this dude. I don't even know where to start but you have soooo much to do. You gotta work on yourself. In life, you are one or the other. You are fcked or a fcker. You pay interests or get paid interests... you're strong or you're weak. That's how life goes. Equality doesn't exist.
You're father abused you, just like a bunch of other kids on this planet. But then again, 2 types of kid that came out of those situation; those that grew stronger from it, and those that are blaming all bad things on things they can't control.

If you break down everytime you go thru a break up, you have oneitis issues.. go read about it. Understand it. Fight it. Practice... get off Disney bs and be a happy man. You don't even need women to be happy. I gotta go. I'll add more later.

 

[resilient]

That's what I love bout real dudes, they tell you straight up "you're an idiot and it's all your fault... man up!"

I'll tell other guys about a current plate, mixed signals or disrespect that bros can smell from a mile away that it's not going to end well. They tell me cut my losses early, yet I stay in to the bitter end because I don't have any fallback plates and I like the attention or physical when it's still flowing.

those that grew stronger from it

Agree with Fwo... be the better man, not the victim.

You don't even need women to be happy

Also true... it's amazing how you can be happy without women. They get intrigued and try enter your world and if your frame isn't solid and has cracks in it, they'll destroy your sense of self-worth for their ego gain while laughing behind you to mutual friends or her own friends about what you did or didn't do to make her lose interest so fast. It sucks.

The point is, cultivate a dgaf attitude when she dumps you for a replacement. Have so many cool things going in your life that you're detached from the outcome. You bounce back faster when your life is stable, purpose-driven, and moving forward.

 

[Serenity]

Classic case of abandonment fear. Look at where your fears have got you. You feared your partners leaving you, and so they did. Why? The answer is your fear. That fear will affect every little decision and action in a relationship in such a way that your fear will become true. You'll act thinking what you do will ensure she'll not want to break up, but in fact the result is exactly the opposite of what you expect. Fears like this become self-fulfilling prophecies, by trying too hard to prevent it you're actually self-sabotaging.

You say you're "afraid the damage is too much to be able to heal 100%", as long as you fear this it will be true. However if you turn it around and firmly state "I will heal 100% and my past shall not affect me", then that will be true for as long you keep that mentality. You also say "I am a very positive person ... but I'm afraid I'm losing this", this is not something a very positive person would say, you can't fool me.

This fear does indeed stem from the trauma in your past, but the past is the past and you cannot change it. What you can change however is your future, but that must start now. Up until now your sh!tty past experiences has affected you to make bad decisions, that has to end as soon as possible. You must have more rational and presently relevant reasons for your decisions and actions.

If you want motivation, here's a thought experiment for you. How many remaining days of your life does it take for you to let go of your past and choose your future? One day? Two weeks? Five years? 15 years? Or on your last day alive? You've lost so many days already because of your father, can you afford to lose more because of him?

You can blame your problems on your past all you want, but the past will not change and as long as you do this the future won't either. You can blame yourself for the future consequences of it as you are aware of your past messing with you, because you're the only person who can possibly prevent it.

 

[Silko]

If you break down everytime you go thru a break up, you have oneitis issues.. go read about it. Understand it. Fight it. Practice... get off Disney bs and be a happy man. You don't even need women to be happy. I gotta go. I'll add more later.

I dont really suffer oneitis.
Before this last relationship I was perfectly happy with myself. I have rather an interesting live. I do have my own business. I travel when and where I want. I'm free as a bird. Can't get enough from this.

I walked slowly in this relationship. I'm never in a hurry. I was very comfortable with her ... well, until after 5 months she passed me an STD.
Trust to more or less 0. She didnt know herself. Anyway, we got a could vibe ... in short ... after break-up she suddenly blamed for whatever ... she never told about it, also not that she suffered a lot that she gave me an STD. Not a single word. So, she kept me out her inner feelings. I felt that in a way ... and I stayed at a distance.
Anyway, In short, on that STD ... I had to quit .. but I didn't.

Step to today .. after break-up she 'started' to chase me again ... dont leave me alone. I respected her silence ... she broke always and recontacted me. Last ... I miss you, can't turn my head ...
We met 2 weeks ago ... she simply said that she didnt remember anymore having sent those texts. Also, she cut off our meet and sent me away.
Very rude ... and seems she needs more attention than having a relationship. My feeling to quit was thus right.

So, to summarise, I was very good with myself before relationship. Upon STD, I had to quit but I didnt. Here I forgot again myself. And again after break-up.
I know I can get stronger on this and I will do of course. No doubt about that.
I dont try to blame this due past. The past is for sure a reason I couldnt say STOP in time. But I'm not perfect. I AM 100% aware of what you all say here and what I have to do.

And I will do that again. And indeed, a relationship is not only the holy thing in live. But it can be comfortable if it is a good setup.

But don't underestimate emotional abuse from your 9th (age u start to understand that) to 25th.
And yes I know, it is the past. But thanks all for you input Much appreciated.

 

[Silko]

Classic case of abandonment fear. Look at where your fears have got you. You feared your partners leaving you, and so they did. Why? The answer is your fear. That fear will affect every little decision and action in a relationship in such a way that your fear will become true. You'll act thinking what you do will ensure she'll not want to break up, but in fact the result is exactly the opposite of what you expect. Fears like this become self-fulfilling prophecies, by trying too hard to prevent it you're actually self-sabotaging.

This is not the case for this last relationship. I never feared a second to lose this. I continued to do my life. But she was always in my mind. Every day, also the time we got rather a long distance. I trusted that we were wise to talk in time. But that wasn't the case. As you can read in my previous reply, it seemed she kept me out of her communication. I felt we had to talk, but I trusted we would do so. I started to lose myself after break-up.

 

[Serenity]

This is not the case for this last relationship. I never feared a second to lose this. I continued to do my life. But she was always in my mind. Every day, also the time we got rather a long distance. I trusted that we were wise to talk in time. But that wasn't the case. As you can read in my previous reply, it seemed she kept me out of her communication. I felt we had to talk, but I trusted we would do so. I started to lose myself after break-up.

In that case your problem was that you expected a woman to take the lead in a relationship, that's not gonna happen. If you feel the need to talk then talk, don't blame her for it. You also specifically said you don't communicate in time because you feared losing her. So either you're fooling yourself now or you're straight up lying.

 

[FwoGiZ]

STD? Which one? Cause if it's chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV or herpes, I hate to say man but it absolutely doesn't mean ****... life goes on and no big deal. Get treated that's it. Hep C would be a whole other thing...

You seriously have accountability issues... You say you don't have oneitis? Anyone else here believe him or is it just me calling bs?
You have a lot of work to do on yourself... but it's far from impossible or all that laborious. It's all about how you see things, and life. Everyone here is telling you the same thing so far but even after reading this, you keep blaming her, your dad, and things from the past, things you don't control... At that point, we can't help you more than that cause it's doesn't seem like you are ready to help yourself.

Find some good readings, online coaching. PM me if you want some good blogs and whatnot.