Why you shouldn't take her cheating personally

[btownbuck2012]

Here is an excerpt from another site where a woman is explaining as to why she cheated on her bf:

"the reason I did it when I was younger (I think) was because I felt like he wasn't paying me enough attention.

He was in a band and was playing a gig and we were at the venue with friends and people we knew. He was hanging out a lot with his friends and wasn't talking to me much or even looking at me and I felt abandoned I guess. Another guy there who I knew was flirting with me and he suggested we go to his car and "do it". I laughed and said ok, even though I didn't really believe it was going to happen. To me it was more of a joke, but then once we got in his car he expected it to happen and I was so drunk...I didn't really know how to handle the situation or say that I didn't want to...so I went ahead and did it.

We picked up by bf and he was asking where the hell we'd been and I was very quiet. He stayed at my house and I proceeded to cry all night long with him asking me what was wrong. In the morning I finally admitted what had happened and told him to break up with me...but he didn't. Said he loved me too much. I think it's possible I lost a bit of respect for him, staying with me after I did something so despicable. I kissed a couple more guys at later dates when I was angry with him but I never told him as I was sure he'd break up with me."

^See that? See how ridiculous is it? This is important to remember because you can have a-lot going for you as a man (good job, being in good shape, great in bed, good social skills, etc.) and you can still get cheated on. There is a news story every. single. day. about some guy who has gone off the deep end and killed his ex girlfriend for cheating on him. The reason being is because he probably has very low self esteem and a-lot of issues relating to him feeling that he isn't good enough and his girlfriend leaving him must be because she found someone better than him. The fact of the matter is that is often not the case, especially if you're a guy who has got his act together. Don't let these broads mess with your head man. Just move on.

 

[fastlife]

I think far too often we put women in a position to validate/devalidate our value as a man, especially relative to other men. In reality, girls aren't great judges of value, particularly according to any consistent metrics. Everything is situational.

Now, as men, we're responsible for what we can control--by the time we find SS, we know there are certain actions that are more/less attractive and that can increase or decrease the chances of a girl cheating on us or even sleeping with us in the first place. BUT there are also so many random elements, outside of our control. You can be cheated on if she perceives you as too high value (she get's insecure) or too low value (she branch swings). The most loyal girl you've ever been with, overtime, can totally disregard you a couple years later--and it might not even be any misstep on you're part; you just became overly familiarly and her biology demanded she diversify here genes. I think it's safe to say that every single guy on this forum has been or will be cheated on at some point--maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. And the crazy thing is that, while one girl cheats on you or dumps you, you can go out and meet 5 more who think you're the greatest, most sex-worthy stud ever.

On the flip-side, if you go out enough & meet enough girls in relationships, you'll realize that even getting them to sleep with you doesn't really serve as any indictment on your value relative to her current mate. She could be totally 100% in love with him and still just get carried away in the moment.

 

[EyeBRollin]

That's a bunch of garbage. She cheated on him because she has low interest and he failed to set proper boundaries. Not paying attention to your woman will lower her interest level over time. This is his fault.

 

[@Jonanthony]

By her own admission she didn't inform him of subsequent dalliances , as she feared she would be dumped....thus she was aware of his boundaries .

I believe fastlife was making key observations here and perhaps she was trial running the emotional fallout for her actions .Undertaking the cost benefit analysis and if it was agreeable then next phase branch swinging....

The scenarios are observations we can all make or have been through... And yes there is can onus to maintain high interest level but a key point fast life makes is that, there appear to be times that this is secondary to wreckless impulsive behaviour that all humans are guilty of...relationship consumerism if you will.....

I have observed many marriages that appear to be glossy , scratch a little deeper and infidelity was unexpected by even the perpetrator.....

 

[dude99]

Here is an excerpt from another site where a woman is explaining as to why she cheated on her bf:

"the reason I did it when I was younger (I think) was because I felt like he wasn't paying me enough attention.

He was in a band and was playing a gig and we were at the venue with friends and people we knew. He was hanging out a lot with his friends and wasn't talking to me much or even looking at me and I felt abandoned I guess. Another guy there who I knew was flirting with me and he suggested we go to his car and "do it". I laughed and said ok, even though I didn't really believe it was going to happen. To me it was more of a joke, but then once we got in his car he expected it to happen and I was so drunk...I didn't really know how to handle the situation or say that I didn't want to...so I went ahead and did it.

We picked up by bf and he was asking where the hell we'd been and I was very quiet. He stayed at my house and I proceeded to cry all night long with him asking me what was wrong. In the morning I finally admitted what had happened and told him to break up with me...but he didn't. Said he loved me too much. I think it's possible I lost a bit of respect for him, staying with me after I did something so despicable. I kissed a couple more guys at later dates when I was angry with him but I never told him as I was sure he'd break up with me."

^See that? See how ridiculous is it? This is important to remember because you can have a-lot going for you as a man (good job, being in good shape, great in bed, good social skills, etc.) and you can still get cheated on. There is a news story every. single. day. about some guy who has gone off the deep end and killed his ex girlfriend for cheating on him. The reason being is because he probably has very low self esteem and a-lot of issues relating to him feeling that he isn't good enough and his girlfriend leaving him must be because she found someone better than him. The fact of the matter is that is often not the case, especially if you're a guy who has got his act together. Don't let these broads mess with your head man. Just move on.

In reading this i find it increadible how many times she refused to take responsibility for her actions and pushed blame on everything except herself

" he wasn't giving me enough attention." Blaming the boyfriend for her actions.

"Another guy i knew was flirting with me." Obvious she welcomed his flirting or else nothing would have happened.

" he suggested we go to his car." And you made the co conscious decision to go.

"I didn't believe it was going to happen." You willingly went. You knew exactly what would happen.
"I didn’t know how to handle the situation or what to say." So taking off your clothes getting naked and screwing another guy was his fault? That is how you handle a situation where you are confused?

Not once did she say "what i did was wrong and it is my fault."
She chose to engage with another dude. She chose to flirt with the guy. She chose to go to the car. She chose to get undressed she chose to allow him to put his penis in her and cheat on her boyfriend.

That is 4 decisions she made and still refuses to accept responsibility for her actions.

 

[btownbuck2012]

In reading this i find it increadible how many times she refused to take responsibility for her actions and pushed blame on everything except herself

" he wasn't giving me enough attention." Blaming the boyfriend for her actions.

"Another guy i knew was flirting with me." Obvious she welcomed his flirting or else nothing would have happened.

" he suggested we go to his car." And you made the co conscious decision to go.

"I didn't believe it was going to happen." You willingly went. You knew exactly what would happen.
"I didn’t know how to handle the situation or what to say." So taking off your clothes getting naked and screwing another guy was his fault? That is how you handle a situation where you are confused?

Not once did she say "what i did was wrong and it is my fault."
She chose to engage with another dude. She chose to flirt with the guy. She chose to go to the car. She chose to get undressed she chose to allow him to put his penis in her and cheat on her boyfriend.

That is 4 decisions she made and still refuses to accept responsibility for her actions.

But notice how she still valued her boyfriend enough to not tell him as she was afraid he'd leave. So it's not even like she found these men more desirable or cared more for these men than she did about her boyfriend. This was fastlife's point. It's remarkable to me how short sighted and impressionable women can be.

 

[AttackFormation]

But notice how she still valued her boyfriend enough to not tell him as she was afraid he'd leave. So it's not even like she found these men more desirable or cared more for these men than she did about her boyfriend. This was fastlife's point. It's remarkable to me how short sighted and impressionable women can be.

I think you've got it backwards. What it really is is she has so little respect for her boyfriend that she didn't tell him. His use as an appliance to her is too much to throw away without having secured another branch to swing to first while getting her side thrills.

 

[sazc]

I've always believed that someone cheating is a personal character flaw in THEM. It's a message I got when I was younger, and it's always been a personal truth for me. I've been cheated on twice (that I know of) and neither time did I ever believe that I caused it. I'm still friends with the ex that cheated on me (the other one is dead) There's no reason to cheat on someone. If you are that unhappy, break up with them and then look for someone else.

Then again, I've never been someone who defined my self worth via the male attention I was getting (or not getting)

If your partner cheats on you, no matter what BS they try to feed you, you did nothing wrong. THEY were in the wrong for not talking to you about what was going on so you could figure it out together. I'll spare you the part where I talk about 'honest communication' the the relationship....I don't want to sound like I hired a personal trainer or something

 

[dude99]

But notice how she still valued her boyfriend enough to not tell him as she was afraid he'd leave. So it's not even like she found these men more desirable or cared more for these men than she did about her boyfriend. This was fastlife's point. It's remarkable to me how short sighted and impressionable women can be.

I would be more of the impression she didn't value him and viewed him as a chump. And that is why she was doing that stuff behind his back.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I would be more of the impression she didn't value him and viewed him as a chump. And that is why she was doing that stuff behind his back.

I don't entirely agree with this. I think if a woman perceives you as high value enough and she is also in turn crazy, she sees banging another guy as a perfect way to bring leverage back into the relationship even if she's the only one of the two of you who knows she did it. Just completely, totally batsh*t crazy.

 

[dude99]

I don't entirely agree with this. I think if a woman perceives you as high value enough and she is also in turn crazy, she sees banging another guy as a perfect way to bring leverage back into the relationship even if she's the only one of the two of you who knows she did it. Just completely, totally batsh*t crazy.

We agree to disagree on this one.

I have always seen in my time that if she values you she wouldn't dare do anything that would jeopardize getting dumped by you.

 

[lizardking82]

But notice how she still valued her boyfriend enough to not tell him as she was afraid he'd leave. So it's not even like she found these men more desirable or cared more for these men than she did about her boyfriend. This was fastlife's point. It's remarkable to me how short sighted and impressionable women can be.

Totally with you on this one. It is really unbelievable how situation and emotional they are, often missing out a good chance and the bigger picture.

 

[9Volt]

I've always believed that someone cheating is a personal character flaw in THEM. It's a message I got when I was younger, and it's always been a personal truth for me. I've been cheated on twice (that I know of) and neither time did I ever believe that I caused it. I'm still friends with the ex that cheated on me (the other one is dead) There's no reason to cheat on someone. If you are that unhappy, break up with them and then look for someone else.

Then again, I've never been someone who defined my self worth via the male attention I was getting (or not getting)

If your partner cheats on you, no matter what BS they try to feed you, you did nothing wrong. THEY were in the wrong for not talking to you about what was going on so you could figure it out together. I'll spare you the part where I talk about 'honest communication' the the relationship....I don't want to sound like I hired a personal trainer or something

Same here. Been cheated on two separate occasions that I know of. Though looking back at the two people I dated I can't say I'm surprised as they were seriously flawed individuals.

I myself see no, none, zero reason to cheat as I'm whole, complete and strong enough to just go my / our separate ways if things don't work out.

its cowards and needy insecure people who need to keep someone as a security blanket in case the "next best thing" doesn't work out for them instead of just breaking up.

it's their issue and as cliche as it sounds these types are doing you a favor unwittingly.

I'd rather be dumped, cheated on etc. find out and thank God I never ended up with toxic people like that.

 

[stovepipe]

Call me ol fashioned, but I would never cheat on my partner....ever!! I'd at least break up with her then proceed to stick my hot dog in another bun. Our society and respect for others has gone down the chitter.

 

[AlexKaiser]

I'm still friends with the ex that cheated on me (the other one is dead)

The other is dead
The other is dead
The other is dead

I hope you disposed of her properly at least.

 

[QuadDeuces]

I've cheated quite a lot, on most of my girlfriends, even on my "love of my life".
Never was it more than physically, and I always kept loving the girl I was with and was emotionally faithful.
When men cheat they just want to plant their seed everywhere they can.
When women cheat they cheat emotionally, they replace you, basically telling you your genes are not superior enough for them to carry your offspring. Women can only carry one guys baby at the time, men can get 3 girls pregnant every day of the week.
Thats why it hurts so much when they cheat.

 

[The Duke]

My exwife cheated on me because I quit paying attention to her. She wasn't cluster B or anything like that. She was highly rational and healthy-minded. I don't blame myself for what she did, but I do take some ownership in not giving her attention. She went 7yrs before she clearly admitted to cheating. Before that all she could say was she was sorry, but never could say exactly what she was sorry for. Holding that guilt in for all that time led to depression and weight gain. She still has regrets to this day and I have no doubt she will take those regrets to her grave. She knows she lost a high value male, and that’s not my ego talking. She would tell you the same thing.

I’ve had a few girls I’ve dated tell me why they cheated on their exes. Every single time the reason they give is because “he quit paying attention to me”.

I’m not giving women a free pass on this, but I do think as a guy you need to realize the natural instincts of the animal you are dealing with to better understand why they do what they do. Sure there are different breeds that have slightly different characteristics, but these characteristics are pretty common in women:

-They aren’t big picture thinkers.

-Don’t look down the road very far.

-Impulsive.

-Respond well to push/pull.

-Emotional fluctuation helps keep attraction.

-Desire validation.

-They have a hard time taking blame for anything.

-They only want you to listen to their problems, not fix them.

-Most aren’t good at judging value. (they are the only ones I know that can have hundreds of men to choose from on OLD and still not pick one or pick the wrong ones repeatedly.)

As I’ve gotten older, and more experienced with women I’ve finally realized these things about them. As a result I am more successful with them because I use this information to my advantage and it results in better relationships.

 

[sazc]

I find this "women are attention *****s" topic to be fascinating.

The idea is to go NC in order to (hopefully) draw them to you (at least do some IL pruning). By definition, if you go NC, you are failing to meet a basic need of that female. It follows that she will most likely withdraw b/c she is looking for attention.

The idea is also to "soft next' if an episode occurs and she needs to understand you won't put up with that behavior (whatever occurred) this presupposes that you are in some sort of a relationship with said female. Of the rule is that she needs attention, and you two have a disagreement, won't pulling a soft next', withdrawing attention, have negative effects on the relationship?

And I have seen time and time again where it it stated that females like attention, and that cheating females felt they weren't getting enough attention.

This attention thing obviously requires precise navigation, or it gets all fubar'ed

 

[resilient]

The idea is to go NC in order to (hopefully) draw them to you (at least do some IL pruning). By definition, if you go NC, you are failing to meet a basic need of that female. It follows that she will most likely withdraw b/c she is looking for attention.

That's the problem with dating these days. Years ago, a bf/husband could withdraw attention which increased her level of interest/desire/mystery/intrigue. She would feel "forced" to hit up her social spheres to get attention. Stay at home and read a good book in bed. Catch up on Gossip Girls or whatever TV show that is popular.

Nowadays, all she has to do is pull up an OLD site, dating app, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or any other social media app to get male validation and attention she is craving when her bf goes aloof. She can also attend a Meetup events to meet a variety of suitors and see if any guy develops a connection with her.

Of the rule is that she needs attention, and you two have a disagreement, won't pulling a soft next', withdrawing attention, have negative effects on the relationship?

Yes. She'll complain online to her female friends, orbiters, instead of communicating with the bf/husband to fix the issue(s). Distancing/withdrawing, stonewalling, sowing seeds of resentment becomes the trend.

And I have seen time and time again where it it stated that females like attention, and that cheating females felt they weren't getting enough attention.

That's really hard to judge and more relevant in terms of where her current interest level in the relationship is at that given time. If a DJ gives too much attention he looks needy or desperate = anti-challenge. If a DJ gives too little attention, he runs the risk of her getting her emotional and physical needs fulfilled elsewhere.

I guess the point is what motivates a woman with the desire to stay faithful? New relationships are easy to obtain, fun, and exciting if she's young enough, attractive, independent, less risks to lose if the relationship crash and burns. Arguing, control/manipulation, power struggles are all draining and will make her feel dragged down and will only suit to motivate her more to ramp up her hypergamy mating strategy.

 

[speed dawg]

You guys are freaking clueless. You are making me agree with EyeBRollin once AGAIN. Why the h*ll are any of you listening to sacz anyway???? Of course, she's telling you what you want to hear, that women are logical, blah blah blah. We know that's not the case. You can't 'talk' about this crap, that's why "honest communication" and all that other buzzword filth is utterly ridiculous. We need to get this crap under control on this site. With all the evidence out there to the contrary, the population as a collective goes farther and farther blue pill. Blows my mind. Wake up.

That's a bunch of garbage. She cheated on him because she has low interest and he failed to set proper boundaries. Not paying attention to your woman will lower her interest level over time. This is his fault.

This is accurate, although you have to also blame the dumb girl. She is certainly a sl*t. That said, if she was truly into him, she would have never told him (assuming this was really a 'mistake', which I'm skeptical about). She wouldn't risk losing the guy.

Bottom line, she wasn't into her boyfriend, and if it wasn't this guy, it was going to be the next one. Dude is a cuck.