LTR girl now has serious depression

[kingvavy]

My background: former beta-husband, wife cheated, divorced, blah, blah blah..took a lot of advice from this forum. Focused on my needs, got in shape, learned to be assertive. After having some fun with girls half my age, party girls, etc., I found a woman that made dating seem less appealing. This woman came highly recommended by a number of people, super hot, but the key word was "nice." She's great with my kids, sexually available..2 years in and as of the last month, the **** tests have started coming out of nowhere. At the back of my head, I always had a lingering doubt over why a girl this hot, and this nice was never married. I dealt with the **** tests. She is now at the age where she is realizing she won't have kids. In my former beta married life, I had a vasectomy. My kids need me and I told her kids are not happening ever, which she seemed ok with. For the last month, she's complained about being seriously depressed, coming to terms with not having kids, and now she is creating drama, and having emotional melt-downs, which I never saw once in the two years we were together. I told her that her drama is starting to piss me off and she needs to go to her doctor and get help. I'm giving it a month, and if she hasn't made an effort to get better, I'm out. Is a month too long?

 

[Bible_Belt]

In a relationship, everyone is a package deal and comes with their own set of problems. It sounds like what you're angry about is that she doesn't seem to want to get better. That is not an unreasonable demand on your part. Getting mad is probably not the best way to motivate her, though. It just draws you in to her drama. Keep a level head and try to get her to see a professional. I personally believe in therapy more than pills, but pills are usually the first choice these days. Watch for the side effects if she does start on a medication, massive weight gain being a common one.

 

[Desdinova]

I told her that her drama is starting to piss me off and she needs to go to her doctor and get help. I'm giving it a month, and if she hasn't made an effort to get better, I'm out. Is a month too long?

I think it's reasonable in the short term. If you're planning to keep her around for a lengthy period of time, you should give it a year.

I had one GF who was pushing for marriage after we were together for one year. There was one problem... she was appearing to have a drug and alcohol problem. She had once told me that she would like to try every single drug in existence. I didn't want to be committed to that, so I told her that I had absolutely no desire to approach the subject of marriage for at least another year (although I never told her why). She didn't like that, and shortly after, she made the decision to end the relationship.

4 years later and she's still drinking like a fish and making drugs a lifestyle. I dodged one hell of a bullet.

 

[kingvavy]

What gets me mad is my ex-wife was emotionally unstable. I stuck it out til the bitter end, and weathered all the crap that comes with being with a crazy person. I get that depression is real, and that you need to be supoortive, but I have real baggage when it comes to this topic, plus I have two broken kids who act out constantly and need me to be stable for them. I might sound like an *******, but I just don't have the patience to deal with **** tests and drama that I know are the result of undiagnosed depression. This girl does have a lot going for her, but at the end of the day, if she doesn't figure it out, we're done because I've been there done that.

 

[dustmuffin]

What gets me mad is my ex-wife was emotionally unstable. I stuck it out til the bitter end, and weathered all the crap that comes with being with a crazy person. I get that depression is real, and that you need to be supoortive, but I have real baggage when it comes to this topic, plus I have two broken kids who act out constantly and need me to be stable for them. I might sound like an *******, but I just don't have the patience to deal with **** tests and drama that I know are the result of undiagnosed depression. This girl does have a lot going for her, but at the end of the day, if she doesn't figure it out, we're done because I've been there done that.

If you don't want the drama then dump her. You must do what you want and look out for your best interests.

 

[kingvavy]

agreed...she does have a lot of good qualities that better my life...at the end of the day it just becomes a simple matter of when enough becomes enough. I'm going to give her a chance to see if she can deal with her own problems, and respect the boundary I've laid out. If she's not able to deal with her problems without creating serious drama, then I'll dump her.

 

[kingvavy]

agreed, but for my own peace of mind, I will give it a month, after that exit.

 

[dude99]

My background: former beta-husband, wife cheated, divorced, blah, blah blah..took a lot of advice from this forum. Focused on my needs, got in shape, learned to be assertive. After having some fun with girls half my age, party girls, etc., I found a woman that made dating seem less appealing. This woman came highly recommended by a number of people, super hot, but the key word was "nice." She's great with my kids, sexually available..2 years in and as of the last month, the **** tests have started coming out of nowhere. At the back of my head, I always had a lingering doubt over why a girl this hot, and this nice was never married. I dealt with the **** tests. She is now at the age where she is realizing she won't have kids. In my former beta married life, I had a vasectomy. My kids need me and I told her kids are not happening ever, which she seemed ok with. For the last month, she's complained about being seriously depressed, coming to terms with not having kids, and now she is creating drama, and having emotional melt-downs, which I never saw once in the two years we were together. I told her that her drama is starting to piss me off and she needs to go to her doctor and get help. I'm giving it a month, and if she hasn't made an effort to get better, I'm out. Is a month too long?

Dating for 2 years. Now you are finally getting to see the real her.

Is it depression? Is it coming to terms with something she knew all along? Who really knows. But usually in dating the 2 year mark is where you get to see the real them. 1 year they can and will be on their best behaviour. Another 6 montha after that and things will happen here and there but 2 years is when they can no longer hide their true nature. She probably believes you will never go anywhere so now she is letting her true colours out

Time fish or cut bait

 

[dude99]

agreed, but for my own peace of mind, I will give it a month, after that exit.

If there is no effort after a month then she doesn't want to fix things. She wants to be entertained at your expense

 

[kingvavy]

Yeah...this is a tough one. She has been nothing but respectful for two straight years. Now I'm not saying she was disrespectful, I'm just saying for the first time, she started trying to **** test me, and have the typical emotional meltdowns that most women seem to have...which I dealt with. I subsequently told her that her drama was not working for me, and unless she can figure out a way to help herself, we're going to have problems. Suddenly now she says she doesn't have 'clinical depression' and that she's 'just depressed.' I told her last night that while I'm happy she's not clinically depressed, the fact that she does not have bonna fide depression makes her even more obligated to figure out her **** because I'm not putting up with any 'I need patience and understanding...' blah, blah blah. The next morning she's back to sexting me, and 'I love you, and can't wait to cook for you and **** you when I see you' etc. Not sure what to do. Like I said, up until now, she's been as good as a woman can get, but I'm worried that she's just concealing her crazy out of a fear of losing me. I was married, and had 2 kids with nuclear, bat-**** crazy, so I know the signs. She might just be going through what most women go through when they face the reality of not havng kids. The question is, are her good qualities worth putting up with the **** tests. She's great with my kids, and she's respectful. Perhaps I'm a bit over reactive with the **** tests because of my past...at the same time, if I allow her to get away with the tests, it inches her closer to becoming disrespectful.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm worried that she's just concealing her **** out of a fear of losing me.

Of course she is...because she likes you so much....like I said, it's a package deal. Any woman who is going to be so crazy about you is also going to be a little crazy toward life in general.

 

[kingvavy]

At the end of the day, it's all about respect. This woman respects me, and never has pulled a move to make me think otherwise. Bible-Belt you make a good point. I'm going to give this woman a chance to figure out her challenges and rise above them.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

People are dynamic. I'm not making excuses for her behavior however what you may be dealing with is her own regret (which you appear to be aware of) and this may not have been an issue when your LTR began.

It may even be possible that seeing you be a good father has heightened her own regret, making her see the love and responsibility required to parent wisely. Maybe she's a little envious too, it's hard to say.

None of those things are your fault however and it remains your top priority to parent your children in a loving and responsible way as you know.

You need to weigh where you are & what you need. She must understand that her needs must always take a back seat to your minor children. That is non negotiable. She must further understand that her projecting her own issues, whatever those may be, into your life is intolerable. She is an accessory to your life, not a must have. She must understand this or she must exit. You can certainly be kind when you communicate this to her but you must also be resolute.

She knows she has "spooked" you with her recent behavior so she is offering to cook, clean, f u c k, and whatever else she thinks will lull you back into a comfort zone. This is manipulation & passive aggressive 101. And notice your confusion...you are buying it (or you'd like to) because it's the path of least resistance.

Don't be the lobster in the pot. She must seek outside help for her "depression", regret, whatever the cause of the drama is. She must make it a priority and do it on her dime.

You owe it to yourself and you minor children to require this of her. Otherwise both of you are allowing it to be swept under the rug to become a bigger & harder problem later.

Cheers & good luck -BE

 

[kingvavy]

Great advice. You're spot on regarding your assumptions. She's shared those exact sentiments with me, ie, how it's sometimes hard for her seeing how patient and dedicated I am with my kids. I'm going to cut and past your post BE and refer to it in the months ahead. Thanks.

 

[XFORCE]

Great topic. A few weeks ago, my girlfriend casually drops that she can't have a drink that day because it might mess with her antidepressant. I put that up in the memory banks for future reference.

She resumed her very stressful last semester of law school, has a major exam coming next month and just had a death in the family all within the last three weeks. I met her when she was in vacation mode during the summer but now that she's in school mode, she's gradually changing and not for the better - noncommunicative, noncommittal, nonaffectionate, bad attitude, etc. A general mess. She admits she's one to bottle up stress and does not handle it well. I'm starting to notice the victim mentality in her previous relationships as well as we're learning about each other's histories. I'd like to think her awfulness is a combo of all those things taking its toll on her but I'm not putting much effort in trying to decode woman programming.

This is the first time I'm dealing with a girlfriend on meds. She's not the girl I met right now and I'm not feeling great about the relationship. I've given her space for the last week going soft NC to figure things out but it's barely any getting better (although she is the one reaching out first). I really like her but it's still too new relationship to have such drama so early on. I really don't know what to do but I'm leaning on ending it sooner than later.

@kingvavy How has your situation progressed?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Law school tends to destroy relationships. The ones it creates are always between law students, and will usually end when school ends.

Her last semester should not be stressful from the school work. It's the bar exam that should be right after the semester that she is stressing about. And that's normal. If you are going to cut her any slack, now is the time. But also keep in mind that if you are still with her after she is an attorney, she might have to move to get a job. If her job is public sector, it will barely cover her loans. If it is private sector, the money is good, but she will work 80 hour weeks. It sucks to be a lawyer, and it also sucks to be in a relationship with one.

 

[sazc]

Scary that she hid it for an entire two years...wow. Maybe she met someone else, or of course just feeling the itch to get married and have kids.

Idk if she actually his it. The one thing you may be missing is today this may be the biggest **** test of them all! " If I walk around and act all depressed, will he offer to reverse the vasectomy for me?"The only way to determine this is to wait her out.
However, in all honesty, it doesn't seem like you and she are on the same page when it comes to what you both want in terms of a family. Not to mention you seem to have attracted the same type of person as your ex was. Sometimes the universe gives us the same sh1t test over and over again until we learn how to create a different ending. This means that it may be in your best interest to take the bull by the horns and and it, so you can end the cycle.
Good luck

 

[sosousage]

yeah its normal for woman to want kids..

 

[XFORCE]

Law school tends to destroy relationships. The ones it creates are always between law students, and will usually end when school ends.

Her last semester should not be stressful from the school work. It's the bar exam that should be right after the semester that she is stressing about. And that's normal. If you are going to cut her any slack, now is the time. But also keep in mind that if you are still with her after she is an attorney, she might have to move to get a job. If her job is public sector, it will barely cover her loans. If it is private sector, the money is good, but she will work 80 hour weeks. It sucks to be a lawyer, and it also sucks to be in a relationship with one.

Thanks very much for the insight. Yes, you are correct; I misspoke. She's hyper stressed about the bar exam and I've cut her a lot of slack by backing off a lot. As she's currently non-communicative, it's hard to tell if it's the stress, depression, family issues, me or a combination of these that's causing her awfulness. Asking would just make it worse.

Also forgot to mention she's on a mood stabilizer. Geez. I'm talking myself out of this relationship.

 

[051AV]

Women on any meds for mental health issues makes them a challenge to deal with I will never get involved with a women that's on meds been there done that. The meds help them function but boy does it F them up with the side effects, when the meds start wearing off. When I first met the ex she flat out told me she was on meds I never been with a girl that had mental health issues it was a learning experience I do not want to repeat that's for damn sure.