Hello All,
Thank you in advance your the years of wisdom you have provided and any insight you can offer into my current situation. I am a long-time lurker
I am in my early 40's married with a 1 year old and one on the way. I was briefly married to a BPD woman 8 years ago. She was 10 years older than me. She had 2 kids from prior marriage and we only lasted several months. I knew her from where she worked and thought she was hot. Got along with her kids helped them study for SAT, showed them how to do a tune-up, build model boats,etc. She only hooked up with me as she was losing house and being prosecuted for bad checks. I bailed her out financially and a few weeks after marriage she quits job and demands a large allowance each month to shop and Neiman Marcus. I moved out and she did not talk to me for 2 years until she filed divorce papers. I mailed letters to both her and her pastor asking for mediation and and I had no success. She said I either pay all her bills or file divorce. It was all about money. She filed.
2 years later I met a woman through friends at a religious center. She comes from a traditional background overseas- She already had citizenship so that is not the issue. Her friends sort of peer pressure her into marriage and I was so eager as all I ever wanted was a family. We get off on the wrong foot. I could not afford apartment in decent area. She worked but did not make much. She was living (renting) in her older friends basement in a nice house so I did not want to move her into a ghetto place.
It took 1.5 years but I got us a somewhat ghetto place and we later moved to nice apt to finally small house I paid cash for at auction that is in the process of being renovated.
The friction I thought early on was caused by me taking so long to get us going in life. I thought she was pissed and things would improve. Constant criticism, attacks , etc.
She does not have to work. We do not have a whole lot but she has a car and can stay home with kid in nice backyard , talk to her family visit overseas occasionally. I have helped her family back home financially as well.
The attacks are too much. If I get the wrong chocolate, I get lectured about how inconsiderate I am. She keeps yelling about my approach to hanging sheetrock, doing wiring etc. She does not want me changing a lightbulb. She says "call an electrician". I am not used to someone constantly questioning my basic carpentry skills. I have had plenty of contractors there for major stuff. Recently a pipe broke and I told her I was going to put a compression fitting on it. She started breaking stuff yelling at me to call a plumber. I fixed it then she said" I am so proud of you". She complained about me changing an outlet box. So I stopped working on the house for 3 months letting it sit. I said "I will get back to work if you stop criticizing me". She claims I am abusing her and not letting her have a voice. There are many times we go with her suggestions. She has made references to if the unborn baby dies she is okay with it. This really concerns me. I think there is more at play than her pregnancy hormones. It was going on prior to pregnancy.
Everything was fine yesterday morning. I went and got us takeout breakfast and was planning my busy day between construction work and my job. She asked me to take out the trash and I accidentally put it in the recycling. It was a small shopping bags worth. Not much. I tried to clean it out but the coffee grinds etc went down past the plastic bottles. So I told her hoping she would not go out and empty recycling barrel while pregnant. She puts much effort into collecting and sorting out bottles for trash. She flips out and I respond back with kicking a box and telling her to sell house back to me for 1.00 and we are not meant to be together. She gave me 3k for house and it cost 55k
less repairs. She almost seemed elated about the prospects of splitting up. I ask her why she has so much criticism for me and she refuses to answer that question. I am now sleeping in other room and she is giving me cold shoulder. On one hand, I feel it's almost right for us to end this as the marriage is one big , constant attack on me. When I look at myself from an outsiders perspective, I see a stable , confident and happy man. Being constantly attacked simply does not feel right.
I notice one common denominator between both marriages. I am not sure either woman wanted to be married. When things get bad, neither can or are willing to sit down and address the real issues.
marriage #1 - either pay bills or get out. I left
MARRIAGE #2 - she wants to attack and treat me like a bumbling idiot. The moment I defend myself , the horror begins.
It there was something worth salvaging in either of these relationships, I think the women would have tried to communicate, correct?
I grew up rough. Bounced from house to house. Mother left me as a kid, father in prison, etc. i cut family ties and got myself and education. I could never handle the dating scene. Maybe it's the possible rejection. I dont know. I think I am finding women who really do not want marriage but sort of need to for a particular reason. I do think my upbringing may have something to do with my selection of marital partners.
wife #1 -needed money
wife #2 - peer pressure.
I love my little boy and the other baby soon to be here. I hate to see them grow up the way I did. Wife's sister married a guy for papers in Europe and the marriage is ending after 10 years and three little kids. I think this is making her more brazen. As I listen closer to her describe her father, I can see how she does have a lack of respect for him. He makes poor decisions and tries to fix things around the house and she said she yelled at him. Her grandfather raised her as her father was overseas working. She never had a boyfriend before. She's religious. I did notice she has bad falling outs with her friends often. She does not communicate that well. She cannot calmly and articulately express what she is trying to say. She just starts yelling. At times, i wondered if she was a bit slow. She refuses to listen to me ask her to be more subtle in her speech to others. She gets annoyed very quickly.
I almost always try to maintain alpha game. I shut work down while she was criticizing me. Told her to get a job to pay for contractors if she wanted them to do all the work.
I want to say i care for my wife but she has really pushed me to a psychological threshold that all I am doing is worrying about my kids. It's tough to love someone who you see as a threat to your family's well-being.
As I am writing this, maybe that is how I need to view her and take appropriate legal action. I want to keep my marriage intact. However, I cannot be disrespected.
Thank you once again in advance for any advise / insight you can offer. Please remember, I am trying to raise future men here and need to do the right thing.
Thank you
Thank you in advance your the years of wisdom you have provided and any insight you can offer into my current situation. I am a long-time lurker
I am in my early 40's married with a 1 year old and one on the way. I was briefly married to a BPD woman 8 years ago. She was 10 years older than me. She had 2 kids from prior marriage and we only lasted several months. I knew her from where she worked and thought she was hot. Got along with her kids helped them study for SAT, showed them how to do a tune-up, build model boats,etc. She only hooked up with me as she was losing house and being prosecuted for bad checks. I bailed her out financially and a few weeks after marriage she quits job and demands a large allowance each month to shop and Neiman Marcus. I moved out and she did not talk to me for 2 years until she filed divorce papers. I mailed letters to both her and her pastor asking for mediation and and I had no success. She said I either pay all her bills or file divorce. It was all about money. She filed.
2 years later I met a woman through friends at a religious center. She comes from a traditional background overseas- She already had citizenship so that is not the issue. Her friends sort of peer pressure her into marriage and I was so eager as all I ever wanted was a family. We get off on the wrong foot. I could not afford apartment in decent area. She worked but did not make much. She was living (renting) in her older friends basement in a nice house so I did not want to move her into a ghetto place.
It took 1.5 years but I got us a somewhat ghetto place and we later moved to nice apt to finally small house I paid cash for at auction that is in the process of being renovated.
The friction I thought early on was caused by me taking so long to get us going in life. I thought she was pissed and things would improve. Constant criticism, attacks , etc.
She does not have to work. We do not have a whole lot but she has a car and can stay home with kid in nice backyard , talk to her family visit overseas occasionally. I have helped her family back home financially as well.
The attacks are too much. If I get the wrong chocolate, I get lectured about how inconsiderate I am. She keeps yelling about my approach to hanging sheetrock, doing wiring etc. She does not want me changing a lightbulb. She says "call an electrician". I am not used to someone constantly questioning my basic carpentry skills. I have had plenty of contractors there for major stuff. Recently a pipe broke and I told her I was going to put a compression fitting on it. She started breaking stuff yelling at me to call a plumber. I fixed it then she said" I am so proud of you". She complained about me changing an outlet box. So I stopped working on the house for 3 months letting it sit. I said "I will get back to work if you stop criticizing me". She claims I am abusing her and not letting her have a voice. There are many times we go with her suggestions. She has made references to if the unborn baby dies she is okay with it. This really concerns me. I think there is more at play than her pregnancy hormones. It was going on prior to pregnancy.
Everything was fine yesterday morning. I went and got us takeout breakfast and was planning my busy day between construction work and my job. She asked me to take out the trash and I accidentally put it in the recycling. It was a small shopping bags worth. Not much. I tried to clean it out but the coffee grinds etc went down past the plastic bottles. So I told her hoping she would not go out and empty recycling barrel while pregnant. She puts much effort into collecting and sorting out bottles for trash. She flips out and I respond back with kicking a box and telling her to sell house back to me for 1.00 and we are not meant to be together. She gave me 3k for house and it cost 55k
less repairs. She almost seemed elated about the prospects of splitting up. I ask her why she has so much criticism for me and she refuses to answer that question. I am now sleeping in other room and she is giving me cold shoulder. On one hand, I feel it's almost right for us to end this as the marriage is one big , constant attack on me. When I look at myself from an outsiders perspective, I see a stable , confident and happy man. Being constantly attacked simply does not feel right.
I notice one common denominator between both marriages. I am not sure either woman wanted to be married. When things get bad, neither can or are willing to sit down and address the real issues.
marriage #1 - either pay bills or get out. I left
MARRIAGE #2 - she wants to attack and treat me like a bumbling idiot. The moment I defend myself , the horror begins.
It there was something worth salvaging in either of these relationships, I think the women would have tried to communicate, correct?
I grew up rough. Bounced from house to house. Mother left me as a kid, father in prison, etc. i cut family ties and got myself and education. I could never handle the dating scene. Maybe it's the possible rejection. I dont know. I think I am finding women who really do not want marriage but sort of need to for a particular reason. I do think my upbringing may have something to do with my selection of marital partners.
wife #1 -needed money
wife #2 - peer pressure.
I love my little boy and the other baby soon to be here. I hate to see them grow up the way I did. Wife's sister married a guy for papers in Europe and the marriage is ending after 10 years and three little kids. I think this is making her more brazen. As I listen closer to her describe her father, I can see how she does have a lack of respect for him. He makes poor decisions and tries to fix things around the house and she said she yelled at him. Her grandfather raised her as her father was overseas working. She never had a boyfriend before. She's religious. I did notice she has bad falling outs with her friends often. She does not communicate that well. She cannot calmly and articulately express what she is trying to say. She just starts yelling. At times, i wondered if she was a bit slow. She refuses to listen to me ask her to be more subtle in her speech to others. She gets annoyed very quickly.
I almost always try to maintain alpha game. I shut work down while she was criticizing me. Told her to get a job to pay for contractors if she wanted them to do all the work.
I want to say i care for my wife but she has really pushed me to a psychological threshold that all I am doing is worrying about my kids. It's tough to love someone who you see as a threat to your family's well-being.
As I am writing this, maybe that is how I need to view her and take appropriate legal action. I want to keep my marriage intact. However, I cannot be disrespected.
Thank you once again in advance for any advise / insight you can offer. Please remember, I am trying to raise future men here and need to do the right thing.
Thank you
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