Need help with my biggest obsession

[pretty]

I have been seeing this woman for years now, it all started 4 years ago, we met and fell for eachother immediately, however things went sideways, and eventually a month later after we had met she got in a long term relationship(really close, families, etc). A year later we get in touch again, we meet up, and she cheats, hooks up with me, then she asked me out on dates, we went out, had great times together, etc. Fast forward a year of going on and off with eachother. We are countries from eachother. She opens up about her feelings for me, tells me she's in love with me etc, I was in love with her too, but I denied it, told her she shouldn't be telling me that since she has a boyfriend, and she didn't really choose me. Now this woman made my life a rollercoster throughout the years, I became really obsessed with wanting to get her, I started acting aside myself, doing mistakes, drugs, got a kid with a woman trying to forget her... the list is way longer.

Last year, we became really in love with eachother, we planned on meeting up and traveling to spend time with eachother, we spent a day at a suite, but the other plans got cancelled due to family issues. I got forced into an arranged marriage with a royal in Dubai. Now I didn't want the marriage more than I wanted her, I've pictured my life with her. We've told eachother everything. Everything's on the table. So eventually I ask her to forget me and move on, and that she'll always be my biggest love. She refused to let me go, to the point where I had to block her and she make new accounts just to write, I kept going on and off with her, I leave her and come back to her, leave her and come back to her, that continued for a while. I even lied to her a lot just to make her try to move on, but my heart didn't allow me to leave her, completely. Because she's the one I've always wanted, I bared through a lot just to lose her in the end.

At this point I'm back with her, we are still countries away from eachother, since I'm completing my course. And I already messed up the marriage, because I violated the terms, because I flew in to meet her, I messed things up with my family. I spend every day, dreaming and feening about her. I just feel like my life has became about getting her, she became everything to me. We have had a plenty of fights about not being with eachother, cause I just can't stand her being apart from me. She is still in that relationship because apparently her family is forcing her. She told me that she and her boyfriend wont work out, and they agreed up on that.

The thing is, she played me a lot, and I can see that throughout the years, whether it's because of my financial status, or the life I could offer, I don't know, I've played her too. Despite that I've always stayed true to her, even at times where I tried to leave her behind, I couldn't. I always found myself going back to her, like I'm under a spell. These days, past weeks, I became really obsessed with her, I would tell her I love her a thousand times and I keep pouring my heart out to her, I even get miserable and lose focus of everything around me thinking of that she isn't my woman. I gave up the life I wanted hoping I would end up with her. I told her a plenty of times that If we won't end up with eachother, then she should just leave me alone and move on. But she doesn't, she wants me just as bad, I know that for sure, but isn't willing to do anything about it, Her family doesn't allow her to travel alone. I even offered to move and buy a house in her country if it means she'll be with me, but she says she doesn't know, and doesn't believe me because I pushed her away a plenty of times before, she says she doesn't trust me.

This thing has been eating me alive for years, I'm just going downhill all the time. I know this may sounds super cheesy or pathetic to some people, but please, I really need advice, I've made a topic this situation a while ago. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/moved-on-but-still-think-about-it-often.233394/

 

[RangerMIke]

Act like a man and control your emotions. Jesus, you wasted 4 years and all you were to this chick is an emotional tampon. Break all contact with her for good. From now on NEVER get involved with chicks that are taken, and never try to do anything long distance... That sh!t never ever works out, period.

 

[pretty]

OP, narcissists, sociopaths, and otherwise toxic people continually try and test your boundaries to see which ones they can trespass. The more violations they’re able to commit without consequences, the more they’ll push the envelope.

That’s why survivors of emotional as well as physical abuse often experience even more severe incidents of abuse each and every time they go back to their abusers.

This is why you continue to feel like crap every time you go back to her. Understand that things with her will continue to get worse, and not better, every time you go back to her.

While you do make a strong point, I just don't see why she would do that? I mean I called her out on being manipulative and playful a few times, but that just ended with her getting pissed. I'm not cuffed, and she isn't my 'abuser'. I'm putting myself in that situation intentionally. I was so committed to moving on since I was going to get married away. But I eventually gave that up. I did feel like sometimes that she just wanted to see how far I'd go for her. But when I talk to her about that, she says it's all things that I've made up in my head. From what she's been telling me, I can tell that she wants a life with me just as bad.

 

[pretty]

Act like a man and control your emotions. Jesus, you wasted 4 years and all you were to this chick is an emotional tampon. Break all contact with her for good. From now on NEVER get involved with chicks that are taken, and never try to do anything long distance... That sh!t never ever works out, period.

I was never used as an "emotional tampon", and what's that have to do with anything? If I had committed to her from the jump, everything would've turned out differently, but I just ended up pushing her away when we made plans with eachother. Being a man has nothing to do with how emotional you are, I'm emotional towards her, because I shared something with her, I've given her something I wouldn't give anybody. And that's just the way I've been brought up. What's a man to you? I stayed true to my feelings and plans with her.

 

[AlphaNate]

A year later we get in touch again, we meet up, and she cheats...

You lost me here, bro. I learned the hard way that a chick that will cheat with you, will cheat on you. Dump her.

 

[pretty]

I had to come to a realization at some point in my life that I can sometimes be a head-strong person; a person who, when told I can't do or have something, I develop a tendency to want it even more. I am also no warmer to being told what to do. I assume from what you have shared in the few posts you've made here, that both you and this woman not only share this head-strong trait, but also come from backgrounds in which other people in your life have set very high expectations and rules for you. I can think of nothing more revolting to matters of the heart, nothing that can fuel a desire for control and individualism, than a predetermined life involving a level of intimacy as does arranged marriages, never mind what must be a long list of other controlled matters, big and small, throughout your lives.

From an outside point of view, it seems to me that the two of you have found in each other a passion and an attraction in many things not allowed, and given the circumstances, it has developed into a situation incredibly difficult to resolve so that it can flourish and evolve into something healthy.

Seems the only options to resolve this problem are the very options neither of you want to accept, which is either for the both of you to give up far too much just to be together, or to finally extinguish the revolution that has been carried on within yourselves for many years: the resentment or resistance to the expectations and control inflicted upon your lives by other people. I don't think either of you want to make such choices, which would be relatively permanent choices; choices that you cannot really come back from. It is also the biggest gamble either of you would ever take in life. Couple this with the volatility of this relationship in the past, there is likely also the gut feeling that the risk is too high as the odds of things working out are too low. The both of you likely realize this, even if it might be on a more subconscious level.

And so it has become a situation mired in a purgatorial state that just never improves, yet also never truly deteriorates entirely, because neither of you can make the significant choices that are required for this relationship to ever have a fair chance at succeeding, and neither of you can extinguish the desires that would finally end it.

That's the kind of indecision that can force a man to continue making poor decisions, even when he knows better, because the problems it creates are less scary than the actual solution. That's the kind of indecision that can force a man to search years for a solution he may very well know does not exist, but continues his search regardless in the desperate hope that he may be wrong and that there is a way out.

It is a hopeless search fueled by none other than hope itself.

The issue you should probably consider most at this point is that time is not on your side. It is not a situation that can carry on unresolved without consequences. Sooner or later one of these two solutions may very well be forced upon you, most likely at a time when you are far from ready and unprepared for it. Carrying on with this woman as you have can eventually wear thin and break the tolerance of others who may have power and influence over your future and hers. Sooner or later, it will not be your decision to make anymore.

I really appreciate this, this just opened up my mind.

 

[pretty]

Oh boy, i think we all know how this is gonna turn out

Ok so let's see:































Go back and re-read all of your posts here and when you have come to the self realization that you are being emotionally abused in this relationship then come back to us and maybe we can talk some sense into you. Until you come to the realization on your own about how abusive and damaging this relationship is to you, nothing we tell you will have any effect whatsoever.

I came to this forum to get help, I'm willing to listen and accept. I appreciate your advice. But I just don't see it that way. I' know there are people like that out there, but not to this level. She cried her misery out every time I decided to leave her behind.

However, after reading the comments(I really appreciate your help). I decided to end things with her. I told her that I'm not going to hold on to a fantasy or the hope of being together with her. She replied with 'I knew you'd do this again, thats why i've been off, I did want a life with you, but you never would've made it happen''. I don't mind if she puts the blame fully on me, as long as we move on from eachother. I did waste 4 years of my life. And when I look back at this experience, there is nothing I will be regretting, I grew from this, it's just that as you guys said, this will effect me in the future, as I don't see myself loving someone, ever, again. Unfortunately, she's always going to be at the back of my mind, not matter where I go to or what I do.

 

[pretty]

You lost me here, bro. I learned the hard way that a chick that will cheat with you, will cheat on you. Dump her.

I'm not any better my dude, at one point I even slept with women, and send her pictures, which is something I'm very ashamed of, because that's not the kind of man I really am. I just did it out of stupidity and regret.

 

[RangerMIke]

I was never used as an "emotional tampon", and what's that have to do with anything?

She is with another dude, and she rings you up when she needs an emotional boost. You do know this is the kind of thing that chicks do. The reason I bring it up is because you think because she does this she feels the same way about you that you feel about her... she can not feel what you feel because she is a chick.

If I had committed to her from the jump, everything would've turned out differently, but I just ended up pushing her away when we made plans with each other.

Sure everything would have been different, she would have been cheating on you instead of the dude she is with.

Being a man has nothing to do with how emotional you are, I'm emotional towards her, because I shared something with her, I've given her something I wouldn't give anybody.

Now you are being silly. Being a man means you can control your emotions, not that you do not feel anything. If you had control of your emotions you would have walked away from this waste of time train wreak years ago. But no.... you convinced yourself that how she is and how she feels about you when you are with her is how she feels all the time. Pardon, while I choke back a laugh... Women are not like this, the longer you are away from them the less they feel about you. Women can get over a lost love like we change clothes... just like that. They are emotional creatures which gives them the ability to move on quickly. They are not like us... While emotions serve women well, they do not serve men.

And that's just the way I've been brought up. What's a man to you? I stayed true to my feelings and plans with her.

The way you were brought up messed up your head. You have been taught that you need to sacrifice for women, and in a world where you as a man were given certain benefits, that was fine, but you are in a world now that has no regard for you as a man. So you think women are special snowflakes.

 

[Desdinova]

I have to say that this is an extremely complicated situation. You were both forced into marriages you didn't want by your cultures. Your families have made things even more complicated. Let's see if I can pick through the information you gave us and figure it all out...

So eventually I ask her to forget me and move on, and that she'll always be my biggest love. She refused to let me go, to the point where I had to block her and she make new accounts just to write, I kept going on and off with her, I leave her and come back to her, leave her and come back to her, that continued for a while.

What you've done here, whether you realise it or not, is you've taken her on an emotional rollercoaster ride. This is going to keep her attracted to you.

She is still in that relationship because apparently her family is forcing her.

This is the biggest problem here. When a woman's family or friends get involved, you're fvcking doomed. She's going to get it on all sides of why she doesn't belong with you and instead belongs in her arranged marriage. Women will eventually take the side of the opposers if there's enough of them harping at her. People can delude themselves into believing what's best for them. That is why religions are successful at retaining members. They function the same way by brainwashing their members.

The bad news is there's absolutely nothing you can do. You're alone and battling an army. There is absolutely no way you can win.

Her family doesn't allow her to travel alone. I even offered to move and buy a house in her country if it means she'll be with me, but she says she doesn't know, and doesn't believe me because I pushed her away a plenty of times before, she says she doesn't trust me.

Her family has likely told her that you're not trustworthy. They've probably been pointing out all your mistakes, however minor they may be, and have blown them out of proportion. That is how families win at persuading someone to abandon the person they truly love and desire. Again, you cannot win against an army of naysayers.

I've been with some absolutely wonderful women that I desired to stay with. Those relationships never flourished into anything simply because their families were a bunch of fvcking arseholes. There comes a point where you have to admit defeat and move on. It's extremely difficult doing so, but sometimes you just need to accept that all you're getting is emotionally wounded from a situation that you cannot control. Your best option is to simply remove yourself from it.

It really sucks, but the good news is that men can recover from situations like this. I'm a living example of it, and you can be as well. You need to abandon the whole thing so you can recover and move on.

 

[pretty]

I have to say that this is an extremely complicated situation. You were both forced into marriages you didn't want by your cultures. Your families have made things even more complicated. Let's see if I can pick through the information you gave us and figure it all out...



What you've done here, whether you realise it or not, is you've taken her on an emotional rollercoaster ride. This is going to keep her attracted to you.



This is the biggest problem here. When a woman's family or friends get involved, you're fvcking doomed. She's going to get it on all sides of why she doesn't belong with you and instead belongs in her arranged marriage. Women will eventually take the side of the opposers if there's enough of them harping at her. People can delude themselves into believing what's best for them. That is why religions are successful at retaining members. They function the same way by brainwashing their members.

The bad news is there's absolutely nothing you can do. You're alone and battling an army. There is absolutely no way you can win.



Her family has likely told her that you're not trustworthy. They've probably been pointing out all your mistakes, however minor they may be, and have blown them out of proportion. That is how families win at persuading someone to abandon the person they truly love and desire. Again, you cannot win against an army of naysayers.

I've been with some absolutely wonderful women that I desired to stay with. Those relationships never flourished into anything simply because their families were a bunch of fvcking arseholes. There comes a point where you have to admit defeat and move on. It's extremely difficult doing so, but sometimes you just need to accept that all you're getting is emotionally wounded from a situation that you cannot control. Your best option is to simply remove yourself from it.

It really sucks, but the good news is that men can recover from situations like this. I'm a living example of it, and you can be as well. You need to abandon the whole thing so you can recover and move on.

Well, she isn't forced into a marriage, I am. I get you, but what's sad is that I never really cared about other's opinion when it came to her, every single one of my relatives and friends tried to keep me away from her. And I was ready to give it all up for her. She told me at one point she would've done the same if I proved it to her, she said she has to go through a whole lot to get out of that situation. However.