I need help

[GoodOne123]

I have become quite depressed, confused, and frustrated. I suspect it is for a number of reasons.

Firstly, my father had recently passed away. It was cancer. My memories of the incident are rather vivid. The whole thing was so confusing. The worrying thing is that I don't know if I have fully processed and accepted it yet.

I'm getting paranoid that I'll get cancer too. I try to have a perfect clean diet, but I can't because I need the sweet/fatty foods to keep myself happy, otherwise I'll get more depressed. Also, I need alcohol to go party so I can meet girls.

My last relationship was with a complete nutcase, and dating after that wasn't very successful. It put me off approaching girls, and even trying in general.

However right now, I see myself wanting to date, and have fun again. Im coming out of my cage so to speak. But I seem to have lost my mojo. I just lack confidence to approach, talk, or do this sort of thing anymore.

I get even more depressed when I see guys I know who hit success in the club, when for that night I have to leave empty handed instead.

I just feel that I need to get successful with women, and that I'll be happier if I sort this part of my life out.

Any tips/advice for me?

I'm 5'11, good looking with a relatively good body too. Im in my early twenties.

My behaviour is what you might describe as a nice guy, and I am a fairly quiet person.

 

[resilient]

GoodOne, my condolences for losing your father. If you take care of your life with diet and exercise you'll be good shape in the long haul. Depending on his cancer, you can screen for those signs later (e.g. PSA screening for prostate cancer). Dating is fun, don't sweat approaching yet.

What you may need to do first is create a fun outgoing life for your 20s. Having a smorgasbord of interests and hobbies make you stand out against the competition.

Don't worry about the being the coolest guy in the club. Being calm, cool, and collected is attractive and confident. It takes a while to get there. Having confidence in your hobbies and know-how will get you there in time. You may have to date down until you can date up.

Don't worry about being a nice guy or too quiet. You can use being quiet to your advantage like intuition and whit.

Finally, don't be in a race. You're going to get rejected A LOT. Let those rejections come and let them make you stronger. You'll be less phased later when plates drop, don't return text, invites, calls, etc. You replace them with new prospects so you don't get fixated on a single one.

Don't give up on your bros either. Dating is fun like I said earlier, just don't forget doing fun bro stuff with your friends. Read the DJ bible. It's excellent starting place for where you are in life. Good luck, man....

 

[wifehunter]

Needs vs wants

Start there. Wants are not important.

Then focus on priorities and categories.

 

[resilient]

Wifehunter is onto some thing. OP, you may benefit from reading Maslow's hierarchy of needs to determine what you need vs. what you want.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I have become quite depressed, confused, and frustrated. I suspect it is for a number of reasons.

Me too.

Firstly, my father had recently passed away. It was cancer. My memories of the incident are rather vivid. The whole thing was so confusing. The worrying thing is that I don't know if I have fully processed and accepted it yet.

Mine too, about 2.5 years ago. Only difference was heart attack, not cancer. And on his 56th birthday mind you. You never fully process or accept it, you just try to keep going as it's all you can do. I still can't go to the cemetery, and oddly enough that's something he couldn't do for his mother for as long as he lived without her.

I'm getting paranoid that I'll get cancer too. I try to have a perfect clean diet, but I can't because I need the sweet/fatty foods to keep myself happy, otherwise I'll get more depressed.

I'm pretty convinced that I'll die of a heart attack if not an accident. My grandmother died at 49, my dad at 55 - and I have their genes. But I'm healthy as a horse as of this moment (as I should be at 27)

My last relationship was with a complete nutcase, and dating after that wasn't very successful. It put me off approaching girls, and even trying in general.

Mine too. We have a lot in common brother.

However right now, I see myself wanting to date, and have fun again. Im coming out of my cage so to speak. But I seem to have lost my mojo. I just lack confidence to approach, talk, or do this sort of thing anymore.

This could actually be the good news in all this. That "wanting to date and have fun again" means in all likelihood you are probably not "depressed", and if you are it's very mild. I am not depressed. I have dreams and goals of world travel and making money remotely, just FRUSTRATED because I don't know how. I think that's where you are too.

Part of seriously being depressed is not even WANTING to do the things that once brought you joy. You literally lose the will to live or get out of bed. We've all been there for a day or a week at a time, and it's very dark and scary, but also VERY different from being frustrating because you're stagnant. At least be consoled by the fact you are probably not suffering from any MAJOR depression.

I get even more depressed when I see guys I know who hit success in the club, when for that night I have to leave empty handed instead.

I know it's difficult but try not to compare your life with others. No matter how good you get, you'll never be the tallest, richest, etc. And you'll be like a hamster on a wheel forever. This doesn't happen overnight, but you get better at it. I compare myself to others less than I used to, whereas you have other people who lease $50,000 cars to give the facade of wealth. This is the height of narcissism and in terms of envy you pale by comparison.

I just feel that I need to get successful with women, and that I'll be happier if I sort this part of my life out.

I look at it the other way. When I look at a list of my problems in life, and arrange them in an order in which to straighten them out, not having a harem is nowhere near the top. It's an afterthought.

When I fix everything else, THEN the women will come.

Any tips/advice for me?

If I had the answers, I'd give them to you. But I will tell you you're not alone, if that helps.

I'm 5'11, good looking with a relatively good body too. Im in my early twenties.

This doesn't matter much. The market is broken and every 4/10 wants a 6'2" millionaire bodybuilder. Don't let any chest thumping fakers living with a SoSuave alter ego tell you otherwise.

My behaviour is what you might describe as a nice guy, and I am a fairly quiet person.

Me too. Stoic is the word I'd use for myself. Use that "quiet" skill you have. Most people can't shut up. Block out the white noise, meditate, find your center. It may not solve all your problems but it'll keep you in the present moment and always in control so that you never actually break down.

 

[Milano]

I feel you bro. My mom died of lung cancer (a lot of stress- smoking) in my early twenties, and I remember her coming home from the hospital with the news telling me that "it didnt go well" and I hugged her not knowing what to say. While those sad moments never go away, your brain just finds a way of putting it somewhere out of reach after a while and you will learn to rarely think about it. As it got close to the end we took turns watching her at night cause we didnt want her to be alone if she for some reason woke up, so she died on my watch and I had to ring home.

I was struggling immensely with depression even before she got sick, but this FORCED me to man up or I would just fade away. My dad who was a weekend alcoholic pretty much let it all go and running the family business was a living hell.

I would not have gotten where I am today unless my mom died, I would not have been forced to evolve, which I so direly needed. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow into something else. A part of you recently died, but something new will take its place. Pain is growth my friend

 

[LastManstanding]

I have become quite depressed, confused, and frustrated. I suspect it is for a number of reasons.

Firstly, my father had recently passed away. It was cancer. My memories of the incident are rather vivid. The whole thing was so confusing. The worrying thing is that I don't know if I have fully processed and accepted it yet.

I'm getting paranoid that I'll get cancer too. I try to have a perfect clean diet, but I can't because I need the sweet/fatty foods to keep myself happy, otherwise I'll get more depressed. Also, I need alcohol to go party so I can meet girls.

My last relationship was with a complete nutcase, and dating after that wasn't very successful. It put me off approaching girls, and even trying in general.

However right now, I see myself wanting to date, and have fun again. Im coming out of my cage so to speak. But I seem to have lost my mojo. I just lack confidence to approach, talk, or do this sort of thing anymore.

I get even more depressed when I see guys I know who hit success in the club, when for that night I have to leave empty handed instead.

I just feel that I need to get successful with women, and that I'll be happier if I sort this part of my life out.

Any tips/advice for me?

I'm 5'11, good looking with a relatively good body too. Im in my early twenties.

My behaviour is what you might describe as a nice guy, and I am a fairly quiet person.

I understand what it is like not having a father anymore. Stay strong man, do what you can to get through the day.

About the last relationship...
It can be easy to write off all women over a few that do you wrong. Trust me, not everyone is capable of doing or acting the way your ex has. I don't know much details on your relationship, but I know there are good women out there.

About dating again and the club...
I have went out to the club probably 300-400 nights in my career. Out of all those nights, I got laid about 5 times. Im still in my early 20s and I have to be completely honest with myself when I say that it is not the place for me. It might not be the place for you either. In going out you need to find places where you will have an "edge" or an advantage (wingwomen, knowing the bouncer, etc.). The important thing to think about though is why would you want to go through all that effort to have a ONS with a possibility of catching an STI.
If you have more success out in your day to day interactions vs. going to the club my advice to you would be do amp up your amount of day-to-day interactions and go to the club less.

The last thing thing I want to point out is that you need to not be a "nice/quiet" person. Women will not know what a great person you are if you are quiet all the time. Make it a habit to talk to multiple males and females every day. Learn to read people and recruit those in your life that have a high interest in who you are or what you are about.

Good luck with everything.

 

[AlphaNate]

You may want to consider professional help. It helped me.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Damn, this thread is depressing. Everyone is dying here.

OP, it's called perserverance. At your lowest point, you need to force yourself to change SOMETHING, just ANYTHING at all. Because when you are at 0, you have nothing to lose. Fake it till you make it. When you go through something so emotionally painful/traumatic, it makes everything else seem minuscule in comparison. But only AFTER you get out of that slump. You are still emotionally vulnerable right now and more so than you normally would be, but once you accept everything and move past this, you will be stronger than you ever have been before. At this point you need to force yourself to do stuff you wouldn't normally do. This way, especially because you ARE emotionally vulnerable right now, you can reprogram your brain and how you think into becoming a whole new person. Either a person you want to become, or a person you DON'T want to become. Part of it is just sucking it up and knowing that there's nothing you can do to change what happened. The other part though is what you will do with this. Will you strengthen your resolve into no longer letting anyone be able to affect you? Or will you weaken into someone you cannot respect? The time is now. Action is the place.

 

[GoodOne123]

Me too.



Mine too, about 2.5 years ago. Only difference was heart attack, not cancer. And on his 56th birthday mind you. You never fully process or accept it, you just try to keep going as it's all you can do. I still can't go to the cemetery, and oddly enough that's something he couldn't do for his mother for as long as he lived without her.



I'm pretty convinced that I'll die of a heart attack if not an accident. My grandmother died at 49, my dad at 55 - and I have their genes. But I'm healthy as a horse as of this moment (as I should be at 27)



Mine too. We have a lot in common brother.



This could actually be the good news in all this. That "wanting to date and have fun again" means in all likelihood you are probably not "depressed", and if you are it's very mild. I am not depressed. I have dreams and goals of world travel and making money remotely, just FRUSTRATED because I don't know how. I think that's where you are too.

Part of seriously being depressed is not even WANTING to do the things that once brought you joy. You literally lose the will to live or get out of bed. We've all been there for a day or a week at a time, and it's very dark and scary, but also VERY different from being frustrating because you're stagnant. At least be consoled by the fact you are probably not suffering from any MAJOR depression.



I know it's difficult but try not to compare your life with others. No matter how good you get, you'll never be the tallest, richest, etc. And you'll be like a hamster on a wheel forever. This doesn't happen overnight, but you get better at it. I compare myself to others less than I used to, whereas you have other people who lease $50,000 cars to give the facade of wealth. This is the height of narcissism and in terms of envy you pale by comparison.



I look at it the other way. When I look at a list of my problems in life, and arrange them in an order in which to straighten them out, not having a harem is nowhere near the top. It's an afterthought.

When I fix everything else, THEN the women will come.



If I had the answers, I'd give them to you. But I will tell you you're not alone, if that helps.



This doesn't matter much. The market is broken and every 4/10 wants a 6'2" millionaire bodybuilder. Don't let any chest thumping fakers living with a SoSuave alter ego tell you otherwise.



Me too. Stoic is the word I'd use for myself. Use that "quiet" skill you have. Most people can't shut up. Block out the white noise, meditate, find your center. It may not solve all your problems but it'll keep you in the present moment and always in control so that you never actually break down.

Thanks man. Makes me feel better.

It's interesting how people unexpectedly have similar life stories as your own. One of my friends lost his father at an early age. He said the same advice to me, unfortunately it's something I'll have to learn to deal with.

Yes I do feel like I am very frustrated. Frustrated that I seem to lack that killer instinct to get girls, and whatever I have tried so far to aquire it didn't work.

I'm angry also. Angry that my father became terminally Ill so fast, and the doctors couldnt explain why since his lifestyle was relatively healthy. Leaves me with no answers.

You're right, I need to stop putting girls at such a high priority in my life. Im not sure why, but I seem to have this irrational desire to focus on girls at this point of my life.

 

[GoodOne123]

My mother upped and abandoned her family one day, leaving my father to care for my brother and I alone. A few years later he passed away from heart disease. I had to learn to live life on my own at a very young age. 8 years ago I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I fought and I won. 4 years later I was diagnosed with cancer again. This time it was much more serious; advanced stage 4 cancer originating in my neck. I fought and I won. But, it weakened my immune system, and I ended up being induced into a coma and was kept alive on respirators after getting pneumonia. The doctors told my ex I may not make it, and they wanted to know who would make the decision to pull the plug on me if I couldn't start to breathe on my own again. I fought and I won that battle too. The day I woke up I went to stand up and fell right to the floor like a bag of bricks. I was too weak to stand on my own and I had to learn how to walk again. A year later I was jogging several miles a day.

During all of that, I ended up developing an addiction to opiates after being pumped up with pain killers for so long. I spent weeks detoxing, curled up on the floor in agony wishing I was dead. But I kept fighting, and I won. In the process, I had to deal with my utterly useless ex, who not only barely lifted a finger to help me through any of these struggles, but left me to continue taking care of everything as if she wasn't even there: work, the bills, housework, my daughter.... everything. I worked myself to exhaustion every day, pulling off a life of responsibility that even healthy people struggle to imagine doing all on their own. I quickly dumped the ex, and now I am a full-time, single father to a 5 year old girl, which itself is exhausting without even taking the life-long effects of 2 cancers into consideration.

Today, I am thriving. I make 6 figures, live in a very nice town, my daughter goes to excellent schools and my life is pretty good. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't matter what life decides to throw at you. All of the stress and the worries of what might come, what struggles I might have to face... it never made a difference. I learned that the real difference maker in life is not what life throws at you, it's what you're going to do when it comes.

You either accept it and let it beat you down, or, you fight and overcome. I never imagined any of these struggles would be thrown at me, but when they came, I always chose to fight. Every single time. I don't worry about what life has in store for me next, because my reaction will always be the same. I'm ready to take anything head on until the day I have nothing left in me and I'm finally gone from this world. And that's all there is to it. You're either a fighter, or you're not.

Your story is inspiring. It motivates me, thanks a lot.

I never knew of anyone who survived stage 4 cancer. My father had it in his liver, and barely had any chance of diagnosing it sooner, or lasting much longer after that. I wouldn't wish upon anyone what he went through. But the fact that you're living proof that someone can survive through something like that makes me hopeful.

For the first time in my life I am the man of the house. I am forced to work a job as I study, to make up for my father not being here to support us. I need to stay strong and grow up more, but it's easier to do when I know someone else has had it worse than me.

 

[Tenacity]

Thanks man. Makes me feel better.

It's interesting how people unexpectedly have similar life stories as your own. One of my friends lost his father at an early age. He said the same advice to me, unfortunately it's something I'll have to learn to deal with.

Life is short....we are all going to be here for less than 75 - 100 years anyway. This means that everyday you need to try to ENJOY yourself or do something that you like. Don't get too wrapped up trying to live your life for other people because remember.......this shyt is very short.

I'm 33 and think I might live to see 80, but what if I died at 73? That's 40 more years. 40 years is not long at all is it? Guy I used to work in Church Ministry with 15 years ago just had his funeral last week, and he was 37 years old. I have no clue how the dude died, but he was 37 years old.

Enjoy your god damn life TODAY. Stop waiting.

Yes I do feel like I am very frustrated. Frustrated that I seem to lack that killer instinct to get girls, and whatever I have tried so far to aquire it didn't work.

Send me a pic in PM. You need to make sure your looks, personality, and finances are decent, then just go out and play the numbers game with women. You approach 20, get 12 numbers, date 6 of them, and fvck 3 of them. Get into a relationship with 1 of the 3 you fvck.

But I will say this to you, STOP taking women seriously. If you read anything on this site, do a search and read the shyt I post on here about how 99% of this market is fvcked. The women are out of their god damn minds and there's no high quality, traditional, good-hearted bytch out here anymore. They are ONLY good for sex and companionship.

Here's how I design my life in terms of priorities and time/energy investment:

- (50% of Time Here) Chase Money: This is in relation to my career, investments, continued education, etc. This allows me to acquire resources, keep resources, and make money ON said resources so I can continue to be FREE to live where I want, go whenever I want go, do whatever I want to do, and quite frankly tell the world to kiss my a.ss as I don't need to "depend" on people for shyt.

- (20% Of Time Here) Workouts: This is in relation to eating healthy and working out. This gives me good energy, better overall health, and helps support me living a little bit longer. This also keeps me looking good in general which helps to make more money as well as giving me more energy that I can use to make more money.

- (20% Of Time Here) Toys/Recreation: This is in relation to keeping my Car clean, Apartment clean, watching my favorite Sports (UFC, WWE, a little NBA), and doing other things in general that I LIKE to do, which includes drinking BEER on my diet clean days.

- (10% Of Time Here) Women/Family/Friends/Associates: This is in last place for a reason lol and it comes right UNDER Toys/Recreation because quite frankly, this is actually a sub-category of Toys/Recreation. There's no concept of DEEP anymore, there's no REAL friends anymore, so women, family, friends, and associates are put here for just additions to my "entertainment". They are used as companions to places for my Recreation as well as, with women, used for my SEXUAL passions/desires/etc.