Another one bites the dust....

[The Duke]

Well another relationship bites the dust! I ended a 5month relationship with the first girl I’ve totally been into in many years. Definitely one of the most impressive females I have been with as far as looks, character, value, and personality go. She passed all of the important requirements with flying colors and I set the bar pretty high with her. This was the first one that I actually put in a solid effort with and truly cared about since I got divorced several years ago. I did all the right things 95% of the time. Did a good job of maintaining frame.

-On the surface she was highly confident and rational and that’s what attracted me to her, but there was also a different person beneath the surface. Underneath it all was the typical emotional/insecure female that had validation issues and couldn’t make up her mind on what she wanted in life. She couldn’t get enough of hearing how beautiful she was. She also had a hard time admitting her wrongdoings and didn’t want to discuss.

-She had a several orbiters that would text her all the time and like her selfie’s on faKebook. I was never intimidated by these guys because I knew I had far more value but they were still distractions that didn’t help matters.

-She had a hard time expressing her true feelings and would only express deep affection at certain times. I think she felt vulnerable and a loss of power when she would. As I started to have more power over her, she grew fearful and would pull away. She even said “I scared her”. I definitely made an emotional dent in her.

-She suffered from avoidant attachment issues and would focus on small imperfections in me, even admitting that she was being overly critical and looking for excuses. It became obvious that she has never resolved her past relationship failures. They still cause fear in her when she started to feel close to me.

A few weeks ago, I put her on notice that I wasn’t pleased with her recent behavior. She gave me the “lets just be friends” speech. I said "No, I’m only friends with girls I’m fuhking". She instantly changes her mind and says we went too fast and she wants to back up and slow things down. I say ok, no problem and she lays the biggest/longest kiss on me ever right there in the middle of the entire bar! A week later, I send her a text that I was tired of dragging this out and I didn’t see that her actions matched her words. This sets off a bunch of wishy-washy texts that she still loves me, thinks the world of me, and isn’t sure if we are right for each other AT THIS TIME IN OUR LIVES. Its like she wanted to put this relationship on hold and go do her thing, then come resume at a later point. Meanwhile she didn’t want me dating other girls.

This girl still wants to keep me around, but I’m not going to wait on her. She has some deep unresolved issues related to her past that she needs to address. I can’t do it for her.

The biggest mistake I made was falling in love with her too early. I knew better but she said all the right things, checked all the right boxes, and had one fine looking body. The other mistake I made was being too lenient with her orbiters. Those orbiters are still distractions that cause her to take focus off your relationship. They cause her to second guess you. They are no different than her female friends that make life difficult for a guy.

I’m certain I’ll hear from her down the road. I’m on her “high score” no doubt! But in the end she is just another modern day woman that does no wrong, doesn't need a man, thinks she is all that, has a million orbiters on social media, and has had too much cahk that makes it difficult to pair bond. Sillly me to think I had something better. Next time I will wait longer before I fall. This one got to me a little bit.

 

[speed dawg]

This is going to be tough love, so know that up front.

-She had a hard time expressing her true feelings and would only express deep affection at certain times. I think she felt vulnerable and a loss of power when she would. As I started to have more power over her, she grew fearful and would pull away. She even said “I scared her”. I definitely made an emotional dent in her.

-She suffered from avoidant attachment issues and would focus on small imperfections in me, even admitting that she was being overly critical and looking for excuses. It became obvious that she has never resolved her past relationship failures. They still cause fear in her when she started to feel close to me.

A few weeks ago, I put her on notice that I wasn’t pleased with her recent behavior. She gave me the “lets just be friends” speech. I said "No, I’m only friends with girls I’m fuhking". She instantly changes her mind and says we went too fast and she wants to back up and slow things down. I say ok, no problem and she lays the biggest/longest kiss on me ever right there in the middle of the entire bar! A week later, I send her a text that I was tired of dragging this out and I didn’t see that her actions matched her words. This sets off a bunch of wishy-washy texts that she still loves me, thinks the world of me, and isn’t sure if we are right for each other AT THIS TIME IN OUR LIVES. Its like she wanted to put this relationship on hold and go do her thing, then come resume at a later point. Meanwhile she didn’t want me dating other girls.

This girl still wants to keep me around, but I’m not going to wait on her. She has some deep unresolved issues related to her past that she needs to address. I can’t do it for her.

This is textbook low IL from this girl, no matter how you frame it. This wasn't concern over loss of power, women don't think that way. They only feel. She may have unresolved issues but that is immaterial. It doesn't seem like she wants you around at all, to me. Maybe a little bit now, that is, until she finds someone else.

The biggest mistake I made was falling in love with her too early. I knew better but she said all the right things, checked all the right boxes, and had one fine looking body. The other mistake I made was being too lenient with her orbiters. Those orbiters are still distractions that cause her to take focus off your relationship. They cause her to second guess you. They are no different than her female friends that make life difficult for a guy.

You are right on your first sentence. But your comments on her orbiters make me think you are clueless. "Too lenient"?? What are you planning to do, tell her to stay away from them? Her IL would have dropped even faster.

The only way you deal with orbiters is to forget about them. If they are there, you withdraw your attention. A woman who is into you will not let the orbiters become an issue.

I’m certain I’ll hear from her down the road. I’m on her “high score” no doubt! But in the end she is just another modern day woman that does no wrong, doesn't need a man, thinks she is all that, has a million orbiters on social media, and has had too much cahk that makes it difficult to pair bond. Sillly me to think I had something better. Next time I will wait longer before I fall. This one got to me a little bit.

Hmmm, I don't know the details, but it sounds to me you are over-inflating your own worth to this chick. I only tell you this to wake you up. Her contact with you going forward will likely be based on how lonely she is.

No contact is the only way to go here.

 

[resilient]

Her looking for validation from orbiters does fall in line with the damage you mentioned she has unresolved from previous relationships and needing to feel constant adoration with the selfie postings with the text distractions to keep her self-esteem afloat.

Fear of vulnerability and intimacy avoidance issues in tandem with orbiters will always keep her one foot in the door, one foot out the door. It's fine if your intentions are never be exclusive while you continue to spin plates... yet it sounds like investing 5 months with her hurt her chances with you without noticeable positive changes on her part.

Also with the wishy-washy texts, not letting you date other girls while keeping her orbiters around is complete BS and sets her up as the prize and buys her time to swing branches until she break off successfully from you onto the next branch. Good for you to spot the signs and end things early while you recognize your both in limbo.

Next time, hold back falling in love with the plate too early. Make sure the next plate earns her place to be in a relationship with you without insistent distractions or obvious red flags that leave you second guessing your involvement.

 

[BeExcellent]

Well crap. That stinks. Onward & upward. You are getting better results with your improved standards. Better to cut bait now than be dissatisfied. Free your time for something better and something better will show herself to you.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

The big issue to me was the orbiters. Look, if you are engaged in some sort of exclusive relationship with a woman where you are devoting all of your time and energy on her instead of keeping your options open, hell yes, you should demand the same of her. You need to be upfront and open about this sh!t and not afraid to call her out on it. She dumps all orbiters, stops posting the stupid selfies and focuses on YOU. She can't do that? Then move on because she is not serious about an exclusive relationship.

 

[The Duke]

This is going to be tough love, so know that up front.
This is textbook low IL from this girl, no matter how you frame it.

Going by what I have posted it may seem low interest and it definitely was the final 3wks, but the previous months were not. She never once told me no, flaked, changed plans. There were no games. She always answered when I called. In the bedroom she was submissive and always willing to please. I'd get random texts about how she smelled like me and she missed me. She traveled 2hrs to be with me one night when I was away. She invited me to her daughters wedding, and family gatherings. She bought me nice gifts. She cooked for me.

 

[The Duke]

The big issue to me was the orbiters. Look, if you are engaged in some sort of exclusive relationship with a woman where you are devoting all of your time and energy on her instead of keeping your options open, hell yes, you should demand the same of her. You need to be upfront and open about this sh!t and not afraid to call her out on it. She dumps all orbiters, stops posting the stupid selfies and focuses on YOU. She can't do that? Then move on because she is not serious about an exclusive relationship.

I did call her out on it. The first time she agreed with what I had to say and said she would fix the problem and did. After a few weeks ago the behavior resumed. I mentioned it again and this time was met with some defiance. This is when I realized she was so hooked on being validated and I didn't have as good of a girl as I thought. Fakebook was like crack to her. She wasn't an attention wh0re but she needed to get her "hit" from a selfie once a week. Deep down this girl doesn't believe in herself. It took me a while before I began to realize that about her. On the surface she projects such confidence and hid her insecurities from me.

In fact I gave her props for how confident and secure she was and that it really impressed me. But like @LARaiders85 mentioned, she was just mirroring my values. She kept it hidden for a long while and got upset when I started figuring things out.

Its been said on here before that "there are no quality women", and its sad but there is some truth to it. They only act right based on how they feel for you at that point in time. A truly quality person will act right regardless of how they feel for you. The same can be applied to a lot of men as well.

 

[speed dawg]

The big issue to me was the orbiters. Look, if you are engaged in some sort of exclusive relationship with a woman where you are devoting all of your time and energy on her instead of keeping your options open, hell yes, you should demand the same of her. You need to be upfront and open about this sh!t and not afraid to call her out on it. She dumps all orbiters, stops posting the stupid selfies and focuses on YOU. She can't do that? Then move on because she is not serious about an exclusive relationship.

This is not good advice dude. You can't negotiate this stuff logically with her, or give ultimatums. That is WEAK. You may need to take another look at the DJ Bible. You got the last sentence right, though.

"Calling her out" shouldn't be happening until you are well into a relationship. And even then, it's never done with an ultimatum.

Going by what I have posted it may seem low interest and it definitely was the final 3wks, but the previous months were not. She never once told me no, flaked, changed plans. There were no games. She always answered when I called. In the bedroom she was submissive and always willing to please. I'd get random texts about how she smelled like me and she missed me. She traveled 2hrs to be with me one night when I was away. She invited me to her daughters wedding, and family gatherings. She bought me nice gifts. She cooked for me.

Fine, all relationships start out that way. As soon as she let you in, seems like your hard exterior melted. She may have just been boy crazy, the constant need for attention confirms this.

With girls like that, you have to be even MORE of a challenge. One single chink in your armor and you hemorrhage blood quickly.

 

[l_e_g_e_n_d]

I wanted to state much until I read this:

She invited me to her daughters wedding,

We are close in age, so I'll state the following sincerely:

There should no reason why you are exclusively dating a women who has a kid getting married, and thinking of her as anything more than a FB.

Know your value. You are better than you think you are.

 

[Serenity]

Well, at least it didn't progress past 5 months. I would say this seems pretty normal, it does take some time to figure out the type of stuff you did. She seemed good and you took the chance, any woman is a risk. There's some things you just can't know until a certain point in a relationship.

What matters is what you do when you figure things out. You did the right thing I'd say.

 

[resilient]

I was surfing psych subreddit last night and came across this piece that reminded a bit of your situation, howie. Many women do this to an extent, it's how hyperattached they are to social media validation that is disconcerting (excessive external male validation seeking) or reassuring (that she's not addicted to it for attention and has a secure sense of self, balances posting with objects, scenery, friends, volunteer events, etc.). Worth vetting next time if your spidey sense suspects an AW or general low IL in a plate.

http://www.psychologybytes.com/2017...aking-behaviour-on-relationship-satisfaction/

Key takeaways from the article:

Jealousy was found to be a key mediating factor between selfie-taking behaviours and perceived relationship quality.
Excessive selfie-posting behaviours can lead to a conflict between the way we are perceived online vs the way our partner perceives us.​

Also, you may like the post I just wrote up on the social media thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/do-you-use-social-media-and-if-so-how-much.237169/page-2

 

[Roober]

Sorry to hear Howie!

I guess you know one of your new disqualifiers... too much social media use speaks volumes! My exgf was the exact same way, so I can totally relate. She would post on snapchat mostly, but it was always a selfie with some sort caption about how awesome, beautiful, etc. she was. I would be willing to bet she had tons of orbiters on there and instagram. Lots of damaged women out there who will continue to ride the cvck carousel, get validation from their orbiters, and pick up a relationship every couple months...

I feel like if I encounter this again, I will call a b1tch out. Now sure how to do it tactfully, but I guess it would be a good way to send a plate on her way...