4 months into relationship, up and down

[randalljohnson]

I met girlfriend about 4.5 months ago. We jumped into things pretty quickly. It only took us a couple of weeks before we became exclusive. (Fast, I know. I pretty much asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, and she agreed.) We became exclusive about 4 months ago. A few weeks before we met, she had just been betrayed by a guy she was dating for a short while. He was an unfaithful "alpha" type guy (who she was in love with) and he played her. Im more of a traditional guy (not the "bad boy alpha" type of guy, like she's fallen for in the past). Me and her both have our baggage with dating. In the past, she's fallen for jerks/players and I've had my fair share of exes who I'd classify as being psychos. I know she's been desperately looking for "the one" and to find comfort and stability. And I'd like the same too. We're both in our late 20s.

Anyway, she agreed to be exclusive a couple of weeks in. The relationship has been up and down between us so far. Our kids get along great, and I love her son. The thing is, it took nearly 3 months for her to publicly acknowledge me as her boyfriend. She likes to post her happiness and unhappiness on facebook. So when we were first dating, she would be tagging me in statuses, etc. When we were fighting, she wouldn't say anything about me for a few weeks. I dug a little deeper, and found that she had added a few random local guys on facebook. I continued digging, and saw that she was Liking these guys pictures and leaving flirty comments on their statuses. She never had her relationship status on her page, so Im pretty sure she was trying to disguise herself as being single to these guys.

A few weeks ago, we've had one of our "up" moments rather than "down", and I noticed she had deleted the random guys and finally made our status public after about 3 months into the relationship.
Things have been good between us lately, and she's telling me things like "youre so amazing" "im so happy i found you, i finally have someone that truly makes me happy" "dont ever stop being you" etc.

She's been real lovey dovey like that recently. She's also posting stuff like this on facebook.

But Im worried that if things go south again, if she's going to do the same kind of stuff. I havent brought this up to her (yet) because I know it would seem stalkerish if I mentioned these things to her. Should I be worried or does anybody see any real red flags here?

 

[bigneil]

I stopped at "It took us a couple weeks to become exclusive", but we will assume it was you who asked for that.

 

[Roober]

Good luck to you, but tread with caution! Women that have consistently dated player/alpha types tend to miss the "challenge" of those types...

 

[Juanto]

I pretty much asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, and she agreed.

I stopped reading here.

 

[AlphaNate]

Welcome to SS!

 

[Billtx49]

Enjoy it while you have it, but don't expect this you and her thing to last.

 

[Bingo-Player]

you shouldn't be having "up and down" moments 4 months in ,

you should still be in the honeymoon period i.e lots of sex and her submissing to most of your demands , this girl sounds like she isnt certain you are "the one"

if a girl is crazy on you she would never risk pi$$ing you off by so much as looking at another man let alone leaving flirty comments and liking they're pics

you need to learn to control women in your life , if you dont they will just run riot which is what this one is doing

 

[kronreiff]

I suggest you read the DJ bible for starters. Good Luck!

 

[El Payaso]

Hold on to your hat. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

 

[The Duke]

Have you two fell in love with each other? I'm guessing yes.

If so:

Many times in relationships “love” brings unresolved feelings to the surface. One day we are feeling loved, the next we are suddenly afraid to trust. The painful memories of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting and accepting our partner’s love. Feelings that we could not express in the past suddenly flood our consciousness when we are safe to feel. Love begins to thaw out our repressed feelings, and gradually those unresolved feelings begin to surface into our relationships.

We are all walking around with a bundle of unresolved feelings, the wounds from our past, that lie dormant within us until the time comes when we feel loved. Then, as we feel safe to be ourselves our hurt feelings come to the surface. Often we get into fights, blame our partners, pull away, look for distractions, and nit-pick their shortcomings instead of healing our past which results in pulling away and suppressing the feelings once again.

The problem with the dating world we all operate in these days is everyone ends up with too many experiences that ended badly leaving us with emotional baggage that never gets addressed. You have to put your past issues to bed before you are any good to someone else. And this seems to effect women the most.

How we deal with these past negative experiences creates our "attachment type" in future relationships.
Secure attachment(which is ideal), Anxious attachment, Dismissive, and Avoidant are all different types that explain how/why people bond like they do in romantic relationships.

 

[wolf]

I met girlfriend about 4.5 months ago. We jumped into things pretty quickly. It only took us a couple of weeks before we became exclusive. (Fast, I know. I pretty much asked her if she wanted to be exclusive, and she agreed.)
Why so fast? Fear you would 'lose her'? Fear she wouldn't say yes if she got to know 'you' a little better? What emotion was at play here? and don't say 'love'..

We became exclusive about 4 months ago. A few weeks before we met, she had just been betrayed by a guy she was dating for a short while. He was an unfaithful "alpha" type guy (who she was in love with) and he played her.
Que Damsel in Distress

Im more of a traditional guy (not the "bad boy alpha" type of guy, like she's fallen for in the past).
In steps Captain save a Hoe

Me and her both have our baggage with dating. In the past, she's fallen for jerks/players and I've had my fair share of exes who I'd classify as being psychos. I know she's been desperately looking for "the one" and to find comfort and stability. And I'd like the same too. We're both in our late 20s.
You both have more than just your fair share of baggage in "dating". Our relationships often mirror our relationships with our parents when we were children. Start there.

Anyway, she agreed to be exclusive a couple of weeks in. The relationship has been up and down between us so far.
Push/Pull.. Hot/Cold? Give me 2 examples of when things went sour

Our kids get along great, and I love her son. The thing is, it took nearly 3 months for her to publicly acknowledge me as her boyfriend.
So you both have kids from previous relationships.. How did yours and her last relationship end?

She likes to post her happiness and unhappiness on facebook.
Oh boy you have an attention seeking Drama Llama on your hands!

So when we were first dating, she would be tagging me in statuses, etc. When we were fighting, she wouldn't say anything about me for a few weeks.
This is equivalent to the 'Silent Treatment'.. just a 21st century Social Media version of it

I dug a little deeper, and found that she had added a few random local guys on facebook. I continued digging, and saw that she was Liking these guys pictures and leaving flirty comments on their statuses. She never had her relationship status on her page, so Im pretty sure she was trying to disguise herself as being single to these guys.
A mixture of Beta Orbiters and Thirsty Alpha Dogs (you know..the ones she "falls in love with and that ultimately play her") These guys are a constant source of attention and validation to paper over the cracks of her fragile ego


A few weeks ago, we've had one of our "up" moments rather than "down", and I noticed she had deleted the random guys and finally made our status public after about 3 months into the relationship.
Things have been good between us lately, and she's telling me things like "youre so amazing" "im so happy i found you, i finally have someone that truly makes me happy" "dont ever stop being you" etc. She's been real lovey dovey like that recently. She's also posting stuff like this on facebook.
Congratulations you made it back to the 'love Bombing' phase of the relationship before she ultimately returns to lapping up the attention and validation from her "male friends"


But Im worried that if things go south again, if she's going to do the same kind of stuff.
Yup... yes she will!

I havent brought this up to her (yet) because I know it would seem stalkerish if I mentioned these things to her. Should I be worried or does anybody see any real red flags here?
Yeah i would be worried too! I would also have dumped her ass by now but this is your life not mine! So... how are you gong to play this?? [/COLOR]

 

[randalljohnson]

Good luck to you, but tread with caution! Women that have consistently dated player/alpha types tend to miss the "challenge" of those types...

I appreciate your honesty. Im just wondering what makes you think they miss the challenge of those types? What makes you say that?

 

[randalljohnson]

I stopped reading here.

i knew some people here would object to us getting exclusive so quickly. and i agree that having ups and downs a few months in isnt a great sign.. but all i know is that right now she's telling me how she's so happy that she finally found happiness, etc. its hard not to take a compliment like that right?

 

[randalljohnson]

Enjoy it while you have it, but don't expect this you and her thing to last.

Why do you believe it wont last? And if you think it wont last, when do you see it ending? Few months? Several months? A year? Im just curious to hear your side

 

[randalljohnson]

you shouldn't be having "up and down" moments 4 months in ,

you should still be in the honeymoon period i.e lots of sex and her submissing to most of your demands , this girl sounds like she isnt certain you are "the one"

if a girl is crazy on you she would never risk pi$$ing you off by so much as looking at another man let alone leaving flirty comments and liking they're pics

you need to learn to control women in your life , if you dont they will just run riot which is what this one is doing

well thats an interesting thought. But isnt the duration of the honeymoon period purely subjective? Could be 2 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, am i right?

Also, she didnt know that I knew she was adding those guys and flirting with them. I found that out by doing some snooping when I noticed her pulling away from me a little bit. (this was during the time she was posting nothing about me on facebook, which is uncommon for her)

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I appreciate your honesty. Im just wondering what makes you think they miss the challenge of those types? What makes you say that?

Until they've learned to value their time they'll keep chasing fools gold.

 

[randalljohnson]

Hold on to your hat. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Care to elaborate?

 

[randalljohnson]

wolf, im going to respond to your comment more in depth, but I wanted to know your thoughts on why you wouldve dumped her already?

 

[Juanto]

i knew some people here would object to us getting exclusive so quickly. and i agree that having ups and downs a few months in isnt a great sign.. but all i know is that right now she's telling me how she's so happy that she finally found happiness, etc. its hard not to take a compliment like that right?

Not only it was quick, YOU asked for it. Should be the female pushing for the relationship and the bonding.

 

[randalljohnson]

Until they've learned to value their time they'll keep chasing fools gold.

Well I think what she's doing now is showing that she does value her time, Im not one of those jerky aholes thats going to play her