Do you ever self-sabotage? Without even realizing it.

[LastManstanding]

Just a question for everyone on here reading. I am sitting here typing out a post just waking up from a bad night I had.

It seems that when people start to get really close with me I do whatever I can to push them away. This happened to me in the past with some girlfriends, but now it happens with most friends. I keep finding myself going back to the same self-destructive patterns.

I do not know what is wrong with me sometimes. I will go through two different identities

The Good side
- Very charismatic
- outgoing and friendly
- Loves talking to women
- Works out every day and loves it
- Just positive and easy to get along with

The Bad Side
- Extreme paranoia (worried that I am going to get worked over financially, mentally, spiritually, etc.)
- Fleeting bursts of anger (inability to maintain my cool, will say and do things that I do not mean)
- Depression (sadness over past trauma and experience)
- Very heavy "fleeting" tactics (will burn social bridges from paranoia, trying to get people to leave me alone)


I really do not want to believe that I have a mental disorder, but the one I was diagnosed with seems to be causing me a large amount of pain. I go to a therapist to just overload him with all my negative energy, which makes me feel better temporarily.

My therapist tells me that I have developed a fleeting personality from growing up in a broken home. My parents were never married and custody changed hands about 5 times from age 5-17. They are both in bad shape now, both are in their mid-40s with heavy drug addiction issues. They constantly went from a state of good to bad. I never knew if I could rely on them. It breaks my heart that I could not get them to stop.

I miss some people. I miss my mom and dad. I swore to myself that I would not have anything to do with them, they try to steal from me and talk down to me. I can not deal with addiction anymore, I don't want to see them sick.

I miss one of my Ex's. I was going through some rough times with my parents and went into depression. She didn't think I was capable of letting things get to me and she lost interest in me because I wasn't fun to be around. I knew in my gut that she was on her way out and I dropped her stuff off at her work and never replied to her again. She was blindsided from the breakup and called me every bad name in the book. One thing she told me is that the way I treated her that I will never outgrow what my father has become. That hurt me deeply. I was truly sad, I didn't want to be dumped when I already was feeling depressed.

Some of the people in the past that I have cut out have really deserved it, but others have not. I hope that some of those people can forgive me. I told my dad in October that I have to cut all ties until he goes to rehab. My Dad's best friend died last week. They were best friends and roommates for over 30+ years. He called me and I hung the phone up on him and blocked his number. His best friend was like a sober uncle to me, they always lived together so I would normally ask him for advice. I did not shed a single tear and have not felt "sadness" over his death.


I do not know what to expect from this post or really from anyone reply. I hope someone can shed some light on my situation. I'm 24 and still have 3 semesters in college before its out into the real world. I just want to have petty, typical, college fun. I can develop social circles and generate opportunities, especially given where I live. It is just scary to know that I am capable of sabotaging that too. Thank you all for reading

 

[bigneil]

Yes, this is exactly what I did a few weeks ago. See "Messed Up Royally".

1) I literally went from getting her happiest text message in 3 months and our most exciting date (on the heels of our best sex) to having her say "it's over" within about 4 texts. And that was because I had effectively ended it that fast. I apologized and she agreed to see me again, but of course it came with conditions. They weren't significant, but she was maintaining the upper hand.

2) We got super close the last time we had sex and I think it scared both of us. The reason it is scary is that she and I are fiercely independent and falling for someone means you need them, so you lose control. Pushing them away is a (failing) attempt to regain this control.

3) The danger in my case was a common element in relationship problems: there was a problem we did not address which led to the tension which led me to push her away. Then I created another problem by dumping her. When I apologized, the first problem presented itself again. It's like layers of an onion. We must address each problem and not bury them.

4) You might get away with pushing her away once, and she might beg you not to, but if you should try that strategy again you'll learn it won't work a second time.

5) You are very likely hurting her when you push her away, but she won't let you know directly. She's often too strong to show emotion.

 

[Konada]

Judging from your childhood, I'd say you have subconsciously believed that love = abandonment. Which is why your behavior is perpetuating itself in your close relationships.

Good that you spotted this pattern in your life, the things that happen to us on a continual basis are a reflection of our subconscious beliefs that we hold.

 

[bigneil]

Konada underscores the exact issue my girl has. Her dad was very successful but he abandoned her, and she was molested by a family member also, so he truly left her in a terrible position. The fact he had resources makes it worse. Then they drugged her on meds because she was depressed about it. She doesn't obviously fear intimacy like some girls, but at a deeper level she is petrified. I don't think I can heal her from that.

She has two opposing fears that can't coexist but somehow do: that a man will abandon her, and that he will stalk or molest her, because that's what happened in the past.

 

[sazc]

I learned from my marriage that people who were molested have a really hard time bonding with a lover. For those that dont know, the 'grooming' part of the molestation scenario is essentially the same as the infatuation stage of a relationship. You know that stage where your partner is perfect and can do no wring, smart, sweet, intelligent, etc? Where you profess your lub to them? people who groom kids to be aused do exactly the same thing. "Your parents just dont understand how smart you are" "You are so mature for your age" etc etc etc. Victims realize that they once trusted a person, who said all the same things to them when they were a child, and that person harmed them brutally. Took advantage of their trust. Lied to their face. As an adult, the victim can rationalize that the new lover is NOT the abuser, but subconsciously, they still panic and equate the situation/relationship with fear, pain, betrayal, etc. The level of trust and bonding that needs to be there so that someone can open up and be vulnerable isn't available. Sometimes the behavior of te person resembles someone with bi polar disorder. A push away out of fear and a pull back in because they want to be close to someone. Of course this doesn't apply to all victims, some people can get thru it.

OP, of course you are going to have issues. It doesnt sound like you ever felt safe as a child. You primary care givers dropped the ball in the interest of themselves and what THEY wanted, as opposed to raising a child. When we build relationships with anyone (lovers or friends) there is always a moment where we have to decide if we are going to open up and show them some vulnerability. The problem with that is that, if we get vulnerable, these people now have ammunition to hurt us with. It's much easier to push people away, rather than risking being hrt - but that doesnt get us any closer to reaching our end goal of wanting to surround ourselves with people who will offer unconditional love (like our parents should have)

Brenee Brown has a really great book on how to begin to be vulnerable in an effort to test people and see if they can be trusted to see who we are,and why being disconnected can cause issues. It may empower you to take some chances and let people in. Good uck.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

 

[LastManstanding]

I learned from my marriage that people who were molested have a really hard time bonding with a lover. For those that dont know, the 'grooming' part of the molestation scenario is essentially the same as the infatuation stage of a relationship. You know that stage where your partner is perfect and can do no wring, smart, sweet, intelligent, etc? Where you profess your lub to them? people who groom kids to be aused do exactly the same thing. "Your parents just dont understand how smart you are" "You are so mature for your age" etc etc etc. Victims realize that they once trusted a person, who said all the same things to them when they were a child, and that person harmed them brutally. Took advantage of their trust. Lied to their face. As an adult, the victim can rationalize that the new lover is NOT the abuser, but subconsciously, they still panic and equate the situation/relationship with fear, pain, betrayal, etc. The level of trust and bonding that needs to be there so that someone can open up and be vulnerable isn't available. Sometimes the behavior of te person resembles someone with bi polar disorder. A push away out of fear and a pull back in because they want to be close to someone. Of course this doesn't apply to all victims, some people can get thru it.

OP, of course you are going to have issues. It doesnt sound like you ever felt safe as a child. You primary care givers dropped the ball in the interest of themselves and what THEY wanted, as opposed to raising a child. When we build relationships with anyone (lovers or friends) there is always a moment where we have to decide if we are going to open up and show them some vulnerability. The problem with that is that, if we get vulnerable, these people now have ammunition to hurt us with. It's much easier to push people away, rather than risking being hrt - but that doesnt get us any closer to reaching our end goal of wanting to surround ourselves with people who will offer unconditional love (like our parents should have)

Brenee Brown has a really great book on how to begin to be vulnerable in an effort to test people and see if they can be trusted to see who we are,and why being disconnected can cause issues. It may empower you to take some chances and let people in. Good uck.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

That was very eye-opening to read a response like that from someone who doesn't know me personally. Yes, in every close friendship or relationship I have found ways to
distance myself from these people. Some of these people did not need to be in my life, but there were a couple of friends and even one ex-gf that was completely "blindsided" by my bridge burning. It was like an uncontrolled reaction to their negative action. I would give them their possessions say I am done with this and I haven't spoken to them since.

I would read your suggested book, but I already have hours of reading material daily for school. I will do what you all are saying and try to let more people in. Thank you for your input sazc.

 

[resilient]

It's interesting LastManstanding that you say that you push people away when they get close in dating relationships to normal friendships. It's good like the others have said that you're recognizing your pattern and you're trying to break it to let people in when they deserve a chance. You're not alone.

I can relate to your thread when thinking about self-sabotaging. After a series of failed relationships and a recent failed marriage of seven years while with someone for nearly a decade, I've had time to think about what happened for quite some time. I just started plate spinning again, yet instead of chasing or risking more rejection, I end contact much sooner than I used to un-apologetically. I was going to start a thread on here a while back but never got around to it. The concept is on attachment theory. I read two books "Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep-love" and "Avoidant: How to love (or leave) a dismissive partner" on attachment styles and was going to apply that to DJ logic. Although I didn't get around to it, but maybe you will gain some insight from I read. Some of it may some like psuedo-psych stuff, yet I felt I could relate to what was being discussed theoretically regardless of red/blue pill logic.

Here's the three attachment style rundown:

1. Preoccupied-Anxious (what I fall under)
2. Secure (the end goal for a suitable LTR)
3. Dismissive-Avoidant (what I always seem to attract)

Here's a few note worthy highlights I liked:

- Studies show that believe in self-reliance is very closely linked with a low degree of comfort with intimacy and closeness.
- Conflict is often left unresolved because the solution itself creates too much intimacy.
- Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partners by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until they do.
- If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them.
- Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.​

 

[bigneil]

- If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on...

I agree with most of what you wrote, except this point appears to be a contradiction.