defensiveend96 JOURNAL

[Victor Griffeth]

Thank you guys for sharing this.

 

[defensiveend96]

Hey dudes. Long time.

Its late right now and I cant sleep so I thought I would write my thoughts down. i'm being completely honest here and I'm not trying to come off as complaining or whining, I just need to get my thoughts down.

Life's been pretty shtty for me. I don't know what is wrong but I've lost a lot of the motivation I used to have. I don't workout as much as I should and the past couple weeks my diet has been bad. My sleep schedule has been terrible and I end up being tired all the time.

I'm almost 19 years old and I'm still a virgin, basically no experience with girls still. I go to parties and still no luck. The last party I went to, my friends told me that these 2 different girls liked me so I tried talking to them both but when I tried to make normal conversation they just acted awkward. I tried talking to this other girl who seemed cool but when I started talking to her she just looked at me and turned away. I also don't get any attention from girls anywhere I go. Every girl I try to talk to just blows me off and it affects my confidence and makes me think that I'm just some weird guy who doesn't deserve to talk to them. I know I need to work on myself but still being almost 19 and basically no experience with girls is pathetic. Complaining on the internet isn't gonna change anything, but again I just need to get my thoughts down.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life. Right now I'm just working and saving for college but even college seems like a bleak future for me as my grades were horrible in high school.

Honestly I just dont know what to do anymore. My life just seems like it will get worse from this point and I don't know what to do. Again, I appologize for the whining and the complaining but I don't know what to do. I don't like my life and I want to change and I want to enjoy life. There is days when I'm really happy and confident and life is good but then they just get overshadowed by the weeks where I'm sad. Even when I am happy, in the back of my mind I wonder how long it will be before I'm constantly sad again. I try being the confident happy guy that I want to be, but in the end I just end up sad and upset again. And I hate writing all this down because I feel like a b!tch whining to an internet forum when I should just make the changes I need to make to my life.

Anyway I appreciate you guys reading and offering advice. I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

 

[amazingswayze]

It's not about girls. Learn what makes you happy, and roll with it. There's way more to life than spending hours chasing mediocre vagina.

 

[defensiveend96]

It's not about girls. Learn what makes you happy, and roll with it. There's way more to life than spending hours chasing mediocre vagina.

I know. And I really appreciate your advice. But, being honest, this forum tends to throw around the idea that its not all about girls and that you should focus on other things and the girls will come. But what is the real reason we all came here? Why is there only advertisements on this forum about getting girls? We all came here because we were unsuccessful with girls. Also, doing what makes you happy and thinking that "the girls will come" is kind of bs advice in my opinion. You have to try and actually talk with girls and approach to have any success. You don't not lift weights and expect to get bigger, you have to actually lift. My whole senior year of hs I followed that saying and just focused on myself but nothing ever came of it except I improved myself. But the people who focused on girls got many more than I did. Again, no disrespect, but that's what I think about the whole "do what makes you happy and forget girls thing".

A few updates..

I still haven't been sleeping well at all. I've slept around 4 hours the past 3 days. And I'm getting bad constant headaches. I went to my doc today and he did some bloodwork and tests and he said I should come back in a couple days to see the results and what he thinks the problem is.

I'm gonna start cutting again and the goal is to get a six pack by summer. The past few months I've just been maintaining or not eating as well as I should so I need to get back on a good diet. Also started an EC stack and considering starting a DNP cycle for fast results.

 

[amazingswayze]

To be honest, a lot of the guys who learned how to be happy aren't here anymore. It's because at a certain point you grow out of it and you get over the whole girl thing. Yes you still like women and have sex with them, but it's kind of an afterthought. Right now, I think that you're just really preoccupied because you want to have sex. But don't worry, you'll get there if you improve yourself as a man. Trust me, as long as you put the work in, you'll succeed in no time.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I happen to be here right now. I might've learned how to be happy, doesn't mean I apply it. It's one of our many human fallacies, baby!

I recommend you try to get in touch with me. I don't hang around here no more.

 

[defensiveend96]

Thanks again swayze for the advice. And thanks norwegian for your reply. How can I get in touch with you outside of ss? ( if that comment was directed at me, not sure if you were talking to me or swayze)

Some updates... Its late right now so bear with me. Also I appologize for the long rant ahead but I dont have anyone in my life I can talk to so it helps for me to write down all my thoughts.

Things havent really improved since my last post. I don't know whats wrong with me but I kinda go through these cycles of being happy and self confident and being really sad and in sometimes just giving up on everything and staying in my room all day. This used to happen every few weeks or so I would go from happy to sad but in the past month and a half I've just been upset and angry and sad all the time. Theres been days when I just lay in bed all day because I honestly don't believe its worth it to go out and I think that I'm just a loser. I focus on all the negatives in my life and I feel like I won't amount to anything and feel like there really isn't a point in trying. For example I fcked myself over in school by not trying and got terrible grades and I'm unable to get into good programs at good schools and have to settle for a shtty career and to me it just seems like there isn't a point. I've honestly considered just getting in my car and travelling to the parts of the world I want to see and then just offing myself. Like there doesnt seem to be a point in getting older, you just end up in some job you hate and paying bills and getting fat and waiting to retire. I feel like I had an opportunity to build a solid foundation and a plan for my life but I have nothing. A lot of people I know got into great schools and are in line for great jobs and doing great things, hell I know a few people playing college football. But I havent ammounted to anything and it doesnt seem like I will. I constantly fck things up and I think I have a lower than average IQ. My family has already given up on me and treat me like I'm retarded. Idk guys I just dont really see the fcking point, like there isnt a lot left for me, and even if I go back to being happy again it will only last for a couple weeks and then I will be sad again. Idk maybe thats just life.
Again I appologize for the long emotional rants that my last few posts have been but like I said it helps to put my thoughts down. I really do appreciate you guys who read this though.

 

[amazingswayze]

Like there doesnt seem to be a point in getting older, you just end up in some job you hate and paying bills and getting fat and waiting to retire.

Solution: Find a job you love
Solution: Watch what you eat
Solution: Retire happy, plan for the future..

I'm hearing way too much negativity from you. You know what separates winners from losers?

There's certain things you have to do, whether or not you wanna do it, when you don't wanna do it.

Part of life, something that took me out of my depression is by being generally busy. There is no reason to lay in bed all day. You will legitimately feel better even if all you do is get up and take a shower.

Human beings are meant to grow every single day. You're still young, so you don't have it as bad as you think you do. It's way worse to be thinking this way at 30, or 40.

None of us can walk you through the process step by step. I'm just gonna give you the basics.

Treating Depression: Sustainable Diet, Exercise, Find a new hobby (Reading, Music, Crafting)

Forget about girls right now. This site won't do you any good.

You need to start feeling good about yourself. Stay busy. Stay focused. Stay motivated.

Your life can change a lot in one year.

 

[defensiveend96]

Solution: Find a job you love
Solution: Watch what you eat
Solution: Retire happy, plan for the future..

I'm hearing way too much negativity from you. You know what separates winners from losers?

There's certain things you have to do, whether or not you wanna do it, when you don't wanna do it.

Part of life, something that took me out of my depression is by being generally busy. There is no reason to lay in bed all day. You will legitimately feel better even if all you do is get up and take a shower.

Human beings are meant to grow every single day. You're still young, so you don't have it as bad as you think you do. It's way worse to be thinking this way at 30, or 40.

None of us can walk you through the process step by step. I'm just gonna give you the basics.

Treating Depression: Sustainable Diet, Exercise, Find a new hobby (Reading, Music, Crafting)

Forget about girls right now. This site won't do you any good.

You need to start feeling good about yourself. Stay busy. Stay focused. Stay motivated.

Your life can change a lot in one year.

Thanks bro.
I know I'm being really negative and I do a lot of negative self talk but its hard when I truly just feel like giving up.

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

Hey bro,

Be kind to yourself. Talk to someone.

I also grew up a competitive athlete, on a national level. I was raised on tough love, harsh criticism, and setting high standards for myself.

In college, everything crashed. My grades got worse every semester until I stopped going to class altogether. I lost my athletic scholarship and basically got kicked out of school. What I didn't know was that I was dealing with depression my entire adolescent and adult life and had always refused to consider it as a possibility. The whole time, I had been wanting to get into medical school...yeah right.

Let me tell you, as athletes we are used to being hard on ourselves. We're used to coaches and parents b1tching us out, and we internalize that. We yell at ourselves to man the fwck up, to get our fwcking sh1t together, to stop being a fwcking puzzy, etc etc etc.

Beating yourself up is NOT good for you.

Put yourself first. Talk to someone. Mental health services are expensive, but I cannot understate the importance of talking to someone. Call a free crisis hotline once a week if you have to, although not every operator is a good listener. Hopefully your school has a counseling service whose cost is included for students. Go ASAP.

 

[playa99]

I took a lot from your posts @defensiveend96

I've been where you are on and off since I've come here.

First things first, you ARE enough and the world is your oyster.

First things first I would set a chief aim and set a 3 month plan on what you can do get there in that 3 months. That goal could be anything, whatever you want!

Second you need to challenge the negative thoughts you are having. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having these thoughts, but it doesn't mean they are accurate!

Take one day at a time, do what you can today. I highly recommend the book 'how to win friends and influence people! By dale carnegie.

Drop me a PM, I'm happy to talk to you anytime..

 

[defensiveend96]

Hey bro,

Be kind to yourself. Talk to someone.

I also grew up a competitive athlete, on a national level. I was raised on tough love, harsh criticism, and setting high standards for myself.

In college, everything crashed. My grades got worse every semester until I stopped going to class altogether. I lost my athletic scholarship and basically got kicked out of school. What I didn't know was that I was dealing with depression my entire adolescent and adult life and had always refused to consider it as a possibility. The whole time, I had been wanting to get into medical school...yeah right.

Let me tell you, as athletes we are used to being hard on ourselves. We're used to coaches and parents b1tching us out, and we internalize that. We yell at ourselves to man the fwck up, to get our fwcking sh1t together, to stop being a fwcking puzzy, etc etc etc.

Beating yourself up is NOT good for you.

Put yourself first. Talk to someone. Mental health services are expensive, but I cannot understate the importance of talking to someone. Call a free crisis hotline once a week if you have to, although not every operator is a good listener. Hopefully your school has a counseling service whose cost is included for students. Go ASAP.

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it man.
I hear a lot about how talking about my problems with other people will help, but I don't really have anyone to talk to. My dad is old fashioned in the "men don't show their feelings" kind of way and even when I try to have a real conversation with him about things like college or plans for my future he just shoots me down. My mom wouldn't be able to help or would just get mad. I used to be able to talk to my brother a bit but he has been really distant with me the past year and has been treating me like sh!t. I don't have any friends I would talk about this stuff with and I'm not in school anymore so I don't have access to a guidance counselor.
I do beat myself up a lot about stupid sh!t but I feel like I've been a failure so far and being harsh on myself is the only way to improve.
@playa99 thanks for the kind words bro. I did have a sort of 3 month plan which was meant for me to have a great summer. The plan was to make enough money to get my car back on the road, get a bit leaner for summer, and find a girl or more to date/bang over summer. So far I've accomplished the money part, and I'm working on getting leaner, almost there.
Again I really do appreciate both of you guys' advice.

Some stuff I feel like writing down...
I'm still having a lot of negative thoughts. I honestly just feel like giving up on pretty much everything. I hate feeling like this and thinking negative all the time but I just dont see the point. Like even when I was happy I still had that feeling in the back of my mind of how the happiness will end and I will just end up sad again. Even when I feel confident in myself, its not real confidence, its fake. I dont know. I've done enough complaining on this site.

P.S. what happened to the highschool forum?

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it man.
I hear a lot about how talking about my problems with other people will help, but I don't really have anyone to talk to. My dad is old fashioned in the "men don't show their feelings" kind of way and even when I try to have a real conversation with him about things like college or plans for my future he just shoots me down. My mom wouldn't be able to help or would just get mad. I used to be able to talk to my brother a bit but he has been really distant with me the past year and has been treating me like sh!t. I don't have any friends I would talk about this stuff with and I'm not in school anymore so I don't have access to a guidance counselor.
I do beat myself up a lot about stupid sh!t but I feel like I've been a failure so far and being harsh on myself is the only way to improve.
@playa99 thanks for the kind words bro. I did have a sort of 3 month plan which was meant for me to have a great summer. The plan was to make enough money to get my car back on the road, get a bit leaner for summer, and find a girl or more to date/bang over summer. So far I've accomplished the money part, and I'm working on getting leaner, almost there.
Again I really do appreciate both of you guys' advice.

Some stuff I feel like writing down...
I'm still having a lot of negative thoughts. I honestly just feel like giving up on pretty much everything. I hate feeling like this and thinking negative all the time but I just dont see the point. Like even when I was happy I still had that feeling in the back of my mind of how the happiness will end and I will just end up sad again. Even when I feel confident in myself, its not real confidence, its fake. I dont know. I've done enough complaining on this site.

P.S. what happened to the highschool forum?

Holy sh1t, guess they just went and did away with the high school forum. Damn. I used to post in that thing when I was a teenage chump. The high school board always seemed to be a sort of separate community.

Anyway, DE, when I say talk to "someone", I specifically mean a therapist. Nothing can really replace talking your issues out loud in a setting where the other person is completely removed from your life and is nonjudgmental. At least, that's how it should be - if you happen to get unlucky and see a therapist who's judging you or being negative, then of course run and never see them again.

Sounds like you don't really have a support system in your personal life. And you know what, you're not alone in that - more and more people these days, especially men, don't have anywhere to turn for help. It hurts, but your close family members probably won't change and suddenly begin to understand you. I'm not saying that your father, mother, and brother are dead to you now - not at all. Just that in all honesty, they probably won't be of much help to you at this point in your life.

Search for "affordable counseling" or "income based therapy" in your area. That's the one thing I will push you hard to do - get that first appointment scheduled. I know money is tight, but the value here is immeasurable, and they really do do their best to work with you financially. I live in the metropolitan area of Chicago, and I know even here you can get an hour session for as little as $15.