She expected too much?

[xstang77]

It's NOT the same thing. Yea, I can elaborate. The reason for this, I believe, is both baggage and our family situation and weather we felt safe being vulnerable with people.

So I'll put this in terms of my relationship.

Two months went by, we had been having sex. He was (is) a really good guy. Helpful, thoughtful out of and in bed, great job, head on straight. He's more an alpha male, a mans man, which I admire. He had been consistent in the relationship (there was never a reason to doubt he was interested) He had a life and wasnt overly needy.

So, one day, I was passively thinking about the relationship and all of a sudden this feeling of dread came over me and I thought "Is this what I really want?" "Do I really want a relationship?" "Do I really want him?" and I contemplated breaking up with him, even tho there was no logical reason why I would cut him loose.

I believe this is where most females stop thinking, and they just act on these feelings. They believe "well, if I am questioning the relationship then it must not be right for me". And they stop contemplating their feelings, and just act. This is when, out of the blue, when things are going well, and enough time has gone by that you are just starting to feel comfortable, she give you the 'let's just be friends' or the 'I dont want a relationship' occurs.

For me, in that moment, my next thoughts revolved around the months prior, that I had been single and dating, and the men I had encountered, and the dates I had put up with, and the general incompatibility I was finding, until I met this guy. My next thought was "what am I doing? why am I thinking of cutting him loose when there is nothing wrong and he is meeting my needs so well?"

I realized that I was at an emotional crossroads. Up till that point I didn't have a lot invested in this relationship emotionally (after all, it had only been about 2 months) I realized that, if we kept going on, together, i was going to start catching serious feelings and THAT was what was causing me doubt. Was I ready to let someone in? Was I ready to put my heart on the line and risk it emotionally again? Was I ready to get vulnerable and try to connect on a real level when I could get hurt?

In my case I realized that what was going on was that I was having feelings of fear that were manifesting themselves as feelings of doubt. I was still fearful, but decided not to give in to the fear and persevere.

The only thing you can do, as a man, is realize that it's NOT you, it's HER. She's just not ready to get vulnerable with someone. You can chalk it up to timing. Especially if things have been great and you have been treating her well. There's just no reason a sane woman would let a good man go. I feel it's all about she isnt ready to be vulnerable.

Dont forget - with a 'bad boy' you dont have to open up. You're constantly chasing him and he doesnt care how you feel, there's never a moment you need to open up with him, he's to busy running and you're too busy chasing.

Thoughts?

This is golden, your killing it today, thank you for explaining this, certainly helped me and a few other guys in similar situations I'm sure.explains my situation to a tee especially when she told me on the phone a few days prior that it scared her how strong she was feeling about me and the usual bs talk about how it should be "I want you don't need you" like trying to convince herself, then the break up text saying she's not in the right place for this and needs to be alone and not over her past, translation: I'm scared to get vulnerable and seriously hurt again like I did with my ex. Fvcking childish of her to do after having her child get close to me. I do believe if I lived closer I could have made her fall HARD with no choice. **** sucks.

 

[Miran]

It is really hard pill to swallow, expecially if you are experiencing it for the first time, which was my case, knowing you have "soulmate" and you cant do anything about it, i kinda moved on, it is not i am forcing anything or expecting her to change, i just dont want to date anyone right know, but problem is i see her atleast once a week..

 

[marmel75]

I am 19y old, and i met this girl back in october, there was instant connection, we talked about books art and music, and she gave me her number and agreed going out again, we went out again, and it was really good, she asked me a lot questions about me, she introduced me to her friends, we got drunk together,laughed and kissed, she complimented me a lot, and i started falling in love after 2 weeks, in november she told me she doesnt want a relationship, because she didnt felt spark, and i was like wtf, why would you go out with me and have fun for about 2 months and then that ****, i was really confused, and she gave me friendzone speech, and that it wasnt me, it was all her, but it wasnt helpfull at all, if she wasnt into me she could know and tell after first meeting/date, that really ****ed me, and I asked her best friend and she didnt know the reason, she told me that she really liked me and told her that i was smart beautiful, she told me all those things and that it was her fault, I see her atleast once a week because we share same social circle,but we are not friend, we just say hi and thats it, i can understand if you dont feel connection, because I felt it, but not like this, do you have similar experiences, because i had only 2 girls, nothing really serious, I am more focused on college, and this girl was ****ing beautiful, so I was really dissapointed.

Did you fvck this woman?

If the answer to this quetion is "No" then you have your answer. Men who cannot figure out how to get to a sexual level with a woman is not considered a man worth spending time with. In her mind she "dodged a bullet".

I hate to be so direct and blunt, but its the truth and the sooner you learn and accept this truth, the better off you will be. Don't wait until your 30's to learn the lesson like I did, do it now.

 

[dude99]

I am 19y old, and i met this girl back in october, there was instant connection, we talked about books art and music, and she gave me her number and agreed going out again, we went out again, and it was really good, she asked me a lot questions about me, she introduced me to her friends, we got drunk together,laughed and kissed, she complimented me a lot, and i started falling in love after 2 weeks, in november she told me she doesnt want a relationship, because she didnt felt spark, and i was like wtf, why would you go out with me and have fun for about 2 months and then that ****, i was really confused, and she gave me friendzone speech, and that it wasnt me, it was all her, but it wasnt helpfull at all, if she wasnt into me she could know and tell after first meeting/date, that really ****ed me, and I asked her best friend and she didnt know the reason, she told me that she really liked me and told her that i was smart beautiful, she told me all those things and that it was her fault, I see her atleast once a week because we share same social circle,but we are not friend, we just say hi and thats it, i can understand if you dont feel connection, because I felt it, but not like this, do you have similar experiences, because i had only 2 girls, nothing really serious, I am more focused on college, and this girl was ****ing beautiful, so I was really dissapointed.

You felt " a connection " because your interest level was in the stratosphere. But were you really paying attention to her interest level? Doesn't sound like you were. Guy, the woman must always care more about the relationship than you do. I can tell by your gushing over her that this wasn't the case. There is no way you can fall in love after 2 weeks. You were way too thirsty and she could see this a mile away and it drove her interest down. She must want a relationship first. You date you have sechs you have fun. Love and relationship is her department. Not yours.

You are probably one of many guys that are vying for her attention. She isn't going to be honest with you and tell you or her friend that because she wants to keep you around as an orbiter. Chicks will always pretend you are great and the only one......then friendzone you when they want you on the back burner for later validation.

Next. Meet new women. And this time keep your interest level in check and pay attention to rhe girls interest.

 

[Miran]

You felt " a connection " because your interest level was in the stratosphere. But were you really paying attention to her interest level? Doesn't sound like you were. Guy, the woman must always care more about the relationship than you do. I can tell by your gushing over her that this wasn't the case. There is no way you can fall in love after 2 weeks. You were way too thirsty and she could see this a mile away and it drove her interest down. She must want a relationship first. You date you have sechs you have fun. Love and relationship is her department. Not yours.

You are probably one of many guys that are vying for her attention. She isn't going to be honest with you and tell you or her friend that because she wants to keep you around as an orbiter. Chicks will always pretend you are great and the only one......then friendzone you when they want you on the back burner for later validation.

Next. Meet new women. And this time keep your interest level in check and pay attention to rhe girls interest.

I get that know, I rushed, but it doesnt really matter at this point, we just cant be friends, and i cant be orbiter, even if she reaches out again, i cant trust her anymore, so i would only use her for sex.. yea.. which can happen if we get drunk..

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

Hey bro,

I actually disagree with most of the other posters here.

While it is VERY TRUE that you never know for sure what is going on in a woman's life and in her head and VERY IMPORTANT that you always remember this and not take things personally, I think there are two big things you need to learn.

1) Reading between the lines in your OP, it's clear to me that you were being too needy too early. Now you didn't tell us how many times you went out, how often you talked, what your texting communication was like...but based on your words and actions (getting angry, demanding to know why, consulting her best friend, etc), I think I can safely infer that you fell in hard and fast emotionally, couldn't control yourself, and smothered her.

It hurts bro, but every straight and dating man on the planet has gone through this. You're not alone.

Women don't fall in love like we do. We can go on one date with a woman and instantly deem her a quality woman and naturally feel inclined to push things forward as fast as possible. The next time you feel this way, try to keep in mind: she might be very interested in you, but she's not sold on you yet. Her interest level could be sky high, as high as it can possibly be after a first date, but those feelings need to develop. They need to grow, sink in, etc. This takes time. Women are wary creatures and have many fears. Many don't understand what is going on inside their own heads and become confused. They know they like you, but they can't for the life of them figure out why they don't "feel ready" to take the next step with you (whatever that may be)...yet. They might call this "taking time to process their feelings." It's confusing to them and to us. If they feel too pressured and smothered, it can kill the development of their feelings for you. If they don't feel like you're a challenge anymore, it can kill their feelings for you.

The first time you fall in love (and likely several times after that), you will be susceptible to smothering her and killing her feelings for you. You aren't man enough yet to handle and control your own feelings, and that's perfectly normal. It happens to everyone.

2) Reading in between the lines again of your subsequent posts. A couple dudes asked if you had sex with her, and you didn't answer the question. I will assume then, that you did not have sex with her and will also take a shot at saying you actually didn't progress very far with her physically.

It's your job as the man to lead the physical escalation. Every time you meet, you need to push things as far as they will go physically (within reason, of course), especially early on. Early dates need to be planned out for the logistics most conducive to physical escalation.

Sex is extremely important to women. It's how they differentiate between their close platonic relationships and their romantic one with you. Every time a man fails to escalate, unless he is super hot physically, he is risking falling into the friend zone. Also, keep in mind there should be some sort of correlation or proportionality between how much of your "feelings" you show and how far you've progressed physically. As rough examples, don't blatantly confess your feelings to a girl before you've even kissed, don't show too much affection before you've fwcked, and definitely don't tell her you love her until you have fwcked a LOT.



No advice is absolute, of course. But, like poker, you need to have the fundamentals down pat before you can begin inferring subtleties and determining exceptions. It's way too early right now.

 

[Miran]

Hey bro,

I actually disagree with most of the other posters here.

While it is VERY TRUE that you never know for sure what is going on in a woman's life and in her head and VERY IMPORTANT that you always remember this and not take things personally, I think there are two big things you need to learn.

1) Reading between the lines in your OP, it's clear to me that you were being too needy too early. Now you didn't tell us how many times you went out, how often you talked, what your texting communication was like...but based on your words and actions (getting angry, demanding to know why, consulting her best friend, etc), I think I can safely infer that you fell in hard and fast emotionally, couldn't control yourself, and smothered her.

It hurts bro, but every straight and dating man on the planet has gone through this. You're not alone.

Women don't fall in love like we do. We can go on one date with a woman and instantly deem her a quality woman and naturally feel inclined to push things forward as fast as possible. The next time you feel this way, try to keep in mind: she might be very interested in you, but she's not sold on you yet. Her interest level could be sky high, as high as it can possibly be after a first date, but those feelings need to develop. They need to grow, sink in, etc. This takes time. Women are wary creatures and have many fears. Many don't understand what is going on inside their own heads and become confused. They know they like you, but they can't for the life of them figure out why they don't "feel ready" to take the next step with you (whatever that may be)...yet. They might call this "taking time to process their feelings." It's confusing to them and to us. If they feel too pressured and smothered, it can kill the development of their feelings for you. If they don't feel like you're a challenge anymore, it can kill their feelings for you.

The first time you fall in love (and likely several times after that), you will be susceptible to smothering her and killing her feelings for you. You aren't man enough yet to handle and control your own feelings, and that's perfectly normal. It happens to everyone.

2) Reading in between the lines again of your subsequent posts. A couple dudes asked if you had sex with her, and you didn't answer the question. I will assume then, that you did not have sex with her and will also take a shot at saying you actually didn't progress very far with her physically.

It's your job as the man to lead the physical escalation. Every time you meet, you need to push things as far as they will go physically (within reason, of course), especially early on. Early dates need to be planned out for the logistics most conducive to physical escalation.

Sex is extremely important to women. It's how they differentiate between their close platonic relationships and their romantic one with you. Every time a man fails to escalate, unless he is super hot physically, he is risking falling into the friend zone. Also, keep in mind there should be some sort of correlation or proportionality between how much of your "feelings" you show and how far you've progressed physically. As rough examples, don't blatantly confess your feelings to a girl before you've even kissed, don't show too much affection before you've fwcked, and definitely don't tell her you love her until you have fwcked a LOT.



No advice is absolute, of course. But, like poker, you need to have the fundamentals down pat before you can begin inferring subtleties and determining exceptions. It's way too early right now.

You have valid points man, I am not experienced in dating, I am 19 and i was focused on school most of my teenage years, I messed up with confessing my feelings early, we chatted less than an hour, I was busy with college and she is in school too, I cant say I was needy i just didnt want to wait around, I was direct, we kissed we have similiar personalities she complimented me a lot, We didnt have sex because she is 17 and I didnt want to force her, surely that would come with time, I guess, moments I started losing control is when she was pressured or too young for seriuos commitment and she lost feelings, i dont really know, I would say just good experience, for guy who had so little experience i managed to impress her just by looks and intellect, I need to work on my sexual game I guess, but I am still young, there will be many chances in near future, thanks for advices and yes women are ****ing complicated.

 

[TheCuckSlayer]

You have valid points man, I am not experienced in dating, I am 19 and i was focused on school most of my teenage years, I messed up with confessing my feelings early, we chatted less than an hour, I was busy with college and she is in school too, I cant say I was needy i just didnt want to wait around, I was direct, we kissed we have similiar personalities she complimented me a lot, We didnt have sex because she is 17 and I didnt want to force her, surely that would come with time, I guess, moments I started losing control is when she was pressured or too young for seriuos commitment and she lost feelings, i dont really know, I would say just good experience, for guy who had so little experience i managed to impress her just by looks and intellect, I need to work on my sexual game I guess, but I am still young, there will be many chances in near future, thanks for advices and yes women are ****ing complicated.

Some of the older dudes here forget that it can genuinely take a while for some girls, young ones especially, to open up physically. Unless there's a big culture of sex, drugs, and rock and roll in a community, not even the varsity QB at a high school is going to get laid on the first night with any chick.

I don't think sexual game should be your biggest focus right now. It should be on grounding yourself as a man and cultivating your own value and self-worth. As you develop that and gain some more reference experience in the world of adult relationships, you'll realize that trying to push a brand new relationship with someone to the point of serious commitment after just meeting once or twice is simply ludicrous. This takes a fundamental shift of your perspective on people and relationships in order to understand.

You don't just hang out with a girl once (or twice) and ask her over text to be your girlfriend or demand some sort of commitment from her, it's not how it works. That's the part where you tripped up.

On neediness: let me ask you a few things:

1) How often did you guys text?

2) Were you mostly the one who would text her first?

3) If she didn't respond to a text, would you send another one to her?

4) Were your texts generally longer than hers?

 

[Miran]

Some of the older dudes here forget that it can genuinely take a while for some girls, young ones especially, to open up physically. Unless there's a big culture of sex, drugs, and rock and roll in a community, not even the varsity QB at a high school is going to get laid on the first night with any chick.

I don't think sexual game should be your biggest focus right now. It should be on grounding yourself as a man and cultivating your own value and self-worth. As you develop that and gain some more reference experience in the world of adult relationships, you'll realize that trying to push a brand new relationship with someone to the point of serious commitment after just meeting once or twice is simply ludicrous. This takes a fundamental shift of your perspective on people and relationships in order to understand.

You don't just hang out with a girl once (or twice) and ask her over text to be your girlfriend or demand some sort of commitment from her, it's not how it works. That's the part where you tripped up.

On neediness: let me ask you a few things:

1) How often did you guys text?

2) Were you mostly the one who would text her first?

3) If she didn't respond to a text, would you send another one to her?

4) Were your texts generally longer than hers?

You are right again, I knew logically but emotions ****ed me up, we went more than 5 times out and if she didnt show inteterest I wouldnt write here, I wouldnt say i have no self worth and I am pretty cinfident, because I am smart and good looking, problem is my huge ego, I dont like to lose at anything, I like to be almost perfect, things is, I respected her too much, not really sure. We texted usually around 8-9pm because I have classes at morning and she is at school during the day, so we couldnt chat all day, message lenght was about the same, nothing special, she would initiate contact too, but i did most of the job, which was bad i guess, I didnt really want serious relationship, it is not like I am going to marry her, but lessons are learned, wont make same mistake next time, that is just part of my personality.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Was I ready to put my heart on the line and risk it emotionally again?

Thank you for your posts, they were extremwly insightful and I learnwd something new.

Why were you fearful? And if it was because of another person, do you still have feelings for him/her? Or at least try not to? Was it only for this one person that made you fear getting vulnerable again or was it numerous people? I am asking these questions to test the validity of a certain theory so I apologize if they are a bit personal.

 

[sazc]

Thank you for your posts, they were extremwly insightful and I learnwd something new.

Why were you fearful? And if it was because of another person, do you still have feelings for him/her? Or at least try not to? Was it only for this one person that made you fear getting vulnerable again or was it numerous people? I am asking these questions to test the validity of a certain theory so I apologize if they are a bit personal.

Its just not being ready to risk my heart again. I had gotten divorced, then into an almost year long relationship whereI stayed much longer than I should have.Then the question becomes why is this going to end any differently than all the other ones before?You have to be ready to risk it again, to be opento something working out.Sometimes people just are not in that headspace, even though they are actively dating.Those people do not realize they are not ready.

 

[kronreiff]

OP, it's called growing up, or maturing. It doesn't hurt to come here for advice, matter of fact, it's encouraged for the most part. However, in dealing with women, you have to go through the eye of the needle so to speak. You can learn alot here, but you have to experience, FEEL and process your emotions and then establish your game from there. Do not go by what a woman says grasshopper, go by what she shows you.

 

[sazc]

And never get ahead of yourself. That advice works for both sexes.

Until its committed _ monogamous anything can and will happen

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Its just not being ready to risk my heart again. I had gotten divorced, then into an almost year long relationship whereI stayed much longer than I should have.Then the question becomes why is this going to end any differently than all the other ones before?You have to be ready to risk it again, to be opento something working out.Sometimes people just are not in that headspace, even though they are actively dating.Those people do not realize they are not ready.

Ok then. Do you think that you will 'forever have a place in your heart' for those people though? Like do you still have feelings for them even slightly? Or at least try bot to have feelings for them? Or do you feel nothing towards them now as if they are dead to you?

 

[sazc]

Ok then. Do you think that you will 'forever have a place in your heart' for those people though? Like do you still have feelings for them even slightly? Or at least try bot to have feelings for them? Or do you feel nothing towards them now as if they are dead to you?

I'm not following 100%?
Which people?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I'm not following 100%?
Which people?

Your former lovers that made you fearful to begin with.

 

[sazc]

Your former lovers that made you fearful to begin with.

No, I won't retain a place in my heart for men who treated me poorly. I reflect on them so I don't make the same mistake again. When I think about them I feel a mix of compassion and distaste. Sone of them didn't know any better and, with some of them, they knew what they were doing, and they knew they were in the wrong.

All that aside, that doesn't mean I am not curious how their lives are turning out. I will Google and FB them, a la desdinovas high score theory. But I would never consider getting back with them. My belief is that people don't change. No reason to revisit a sh1tyy situation

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I will Google and FB them, a la desdinovas high score theory. But I would never consider getting back with them.

I see. So then what is your opinion of Desdinova's High Score Theory?

 

[sazc]

I see. So then what is your opinion of Desdinova's High Score Theory?

Gosh, I remember reading it. dont remember specifically what out calls out. From what i recall, it has to do with the emotional impact a man makes on a woman. From that aspect, I would agree. I do tend to be curious of the men who have made more of an emotional impact on me. Both positive and negative. I wouldn't get back together with them tho.