Fell for a 10, got engaged, 3 years later and I'm single again, need help getting back on track

[AlphaNate]

I thought this was it. I thought she was "the one." I'm an idiot.

I'm not looking for sympathy, but I do want to explain a little. We were super-happy together. I've never met anyone like her, and she was a solid 10, the prettiest girl I've ever been with. We were together for a couple years and I asked her to marry me. She said yes. A few months later, she had a miscarriage. A few months after that, and our relationship fell apart. Couple months later, to my surprise (for some reason), she started dating someone else. I was crushed.

The last time I spoke with her was about six months ago. I starting drinking very heavily and I was 40 pounds heavier than when I met her. I didn't even realize I'd gained this much while we were together, only that I had gained SOME weight. I'm starting to get back on track. I've been hitting the gym pretty hard for the past two months. I've stopped drinking completely. I've lost 30 pounds. I've bought some literature (currently reading The Art of Seduction). I feel like I'm getting there, but....

I used to be in such a better place. I used to be a DJ, smashing left and right. Plates were spinning all over. My confidence has been shattered over the past almost-year. I used to GIVE advice on this forum, and now I'm lost again. I'm having approach anxiety, something that I didn't used to have. Any advice that can help me out of this funk and get back to where I used to be, back to the place that originally landed me HB10s, would be much appreciated. Maybe you guys can help me with some things I'm missing or not understanding.

AMA and thanks for reading.

 

[Roober]

Rollo talks about this a lot... Alpha is a mindset, not a bandaid to get women. You need to fix the underlying issues!

Sounds like you weren't a DJ at all, and merely used the DJ tools to get a good woman, and then slipped back into beta territory. You lost frame by gaining weight, losing confidence, and drinking. Sounds like you need to reboot and make it part of you, not just tool in your toolbelt...

 

[Glassguy]

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

First things first, you need to get rid of the caring mindset about this ex. Use her for motivation when working out, hitting the treadmill, eating like a rabbit, etc. Not to get her back, but to do BETTER than her.

Happy, content men gain weight. But they are also the ones that become beta over time and get the bomb dropped on them. Lesson learned.

I gained 30 lbs in the 8 years I was married. Within 6 months of my divorce I was in better shape than I was going into the marriage.

You need to get back in the game. It hasnt changed much over the past few years. Social media is an excellent resource for drumming up a few plates, which you need to get back to spinning.

Break ups suck, divorce sucks but what sucks more is being that guy who gets knocked down and doesnt get up. You'll be fine. Its like riding a bike. You just have to mentally prepare and commit to getting back on it.

I hope this goes without saying, but dont jump out of the oven and into a frying pan. Spin plates, have fun and do what YOU want. I wouldnt even consider a serious relationship for a while until you fvck some of this out of your system!

 

[bigneil]

35 is prime for a man (on average men look their best at that age). Get back in shape and start eating right. My best years were 41-46 so far.

 

[AlphaNate]

Thanks so much, guys! I'm going to print these out to help me keep focus. Much appreciated.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

I feel for you. We have all been there. And it really sucks when she's the prettiest girl you've ever been with. Happened to me on Christmas Eve 2015. The prettiest, hottest girl ever and it all fell apart.

Sounds like you've got a good attitude though. And remember, don't look back, keep looking forward. Always forward.

And like Deesade said, you'll have some funny stories.

-Augustus-

 

[bigneil]

Out of curiosity, how does OP qualify "a solid 10"? In my case (while I refer to her as HB9) I demonstrated multiple photos of her that score 99% in consensus.

 

[logicallefty]

OP glad you came back to SS. I have found with me that when i leave SS for too long at a time i tend to start slipping back a little bit. I became a moderator and now i am committed to stay! Check in here even just 1-2 times a week to keep your mind wired right. You will get thru this and be a better man for it.

I am curious how old was this woman when she cheated on you?

 

[GT40]

Man she did you a favour. Have a couple kids with the 10. She leaves you anyways. You pay through the ass for the next 20 years. **** her who cares dude. You better than this.
Get your ass into the gym and lift heavy ****. Work on you're frame and game to make this happen. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Time to kick ass.

 

[AlphaNate]

Thanks, everyone! I appreciate the honesty and support. What's mostly resonating with me is what Glassguy mentioned, that I can do BETTER than her. For months, I've been stuck thinking that I messed up the best relationship I'll ever have, and it never occurred to me that someone out there might be better. My physique and, more importantly, my confidence and alpha-state are beginning to return. I can do this!

That said, I really do appreciate the feedback from ALL of you.

I am curious how old was this woman when she cheated on you?

She never cheated on me (far as I know). She is (was?) two years younger than I am.

 

[GT40]

First of all, congratulations on being self-aware, losing the weight and quitting drinking. If you accomplish nothing else, that is HUGE.

Patience, focus on yourself, your health. The rest will come in time.

Yes I agree too. Keep pushing yourself to be better.
Focus on yourself and become strong. Slow and steady wins the race. Life is a marathon my friend not a sprint.

 

[AlphaNate]

You've all been awesome in your support and understanding. I'm so glad to be returning to this community and to be focused on bettering myself once again. Thanks a bunch!

 

[Roober]

You've all been awesome in your support and understanding. I'm so glad to be returning to this community and to be focused on bettering myself once again. Thanks a bunch!

Just make sure you stick to it this time!

 

[Killakittie]

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

First things first, you need to get rid of the caring mindset about this ex.

Break ups suck, divorce sucks but what sucks more is being that guy who gets knocked down and doesnt get up. You'll be fine. Its like riding a bike. You just have to mentally prepare and commit to getting back on it.

Or the guy who gets knocked around and allows himself to stay in the revolving door of abuse.