Woman's prerogative?!

[Tom Shivoe]

Good evening gents,

First time poster. Just wanted to share an experience.

I am emerging from a 7-year marriage to a woman who I am pretty sure is a narcissist (long story in itself). I ended my marriage in Feb 2016 and I have not had a relationship since, although I did briefly date and sleep with one lady in Nov-Dec 2016 before I ended it. So, I am fairly out of practice at the "game".

I changed city and job in September. There was one lady at work (different team, 4 desk blocks away, not a boss or report of mine) who caught my eye. I explained I was separated from my ex-wife and she came on to me at the office Christmas party, which I was pretty happy about. We agreed to meet up over the Christmas break.

The point I am building up to here is her interest only happens when she's had a drink - not wrecked, but say a couple of glasses of wine in. (I am NOT someone who is going to get a lady drunk to take advantage.) Stone-cold sober, she's much more awkward and distant. One of those Christmas-period dates started with a movie which was pretty awkward, but ended up fairly passionate after a few ****tails (but not too many).

Rationally I am thinking, if she was actually interested, it would have happened already, so she isn't interested and I need to move on. I know as a guy there is such a thing as a "3-pint princess" - the girl you are only attracted to under the influence. I guess there is no reason why this couldn't happen for a lady as well (not great for my self esteem, but hey). She also recently broke up with a reasonably serious ex only in October so she's probably had her emotions scrambled by being unexpectedly alone over the holidays. So she's not actually interested and I should move on.

But there is a part of me - probably a useless, snivelling, wishful-thinking part - that is thinking, maybe's she's just worried about dating a colleague who is separated and risking people thinking she's a marriage breaker. Which leads on to faint heart never won fair maiden type creep thinking.

...and literally as I write this (seriously), I get a nice little jokey whattsapp from her. We had an alcohol-free awkward date yesterday so today I restricted myself to a single "hope you're having a good day" message, i.e. the minimum I thought you could do without being rude.

Whattsapp - WTF more like. My head is all over the place on this one. I feel 40 going on 16. Part of it is headfcuk from separation and issues around seeing my kids. But my attraction to this lady is not just physical (although it certainly is that) - I found out some stuff about her that increased my respect for her.

There you go, sorry for long post, grateful for any comments because I am damned if I know what is going on.

 

[exhausted]

Get the divorce final asap so u dont have to keep carrying the stress of it.

Maybe its a good rebound for u both to help one another.

 

[Tom Shivoe]

Cheers, fellas. Today was first day back for us both after the break. Truly a special torture. She's still whatsapping but my best guess is she is embarrassed about giving a guy the wrong idea; it's too risky for her to go cold turkey because for all she knows I might do crazy stuff and embarrass her in front of colleagues; and anyway she is too kind to do that; so I am being politely but firmly escorted to the friend zone.

Just writing about it is helpful though. When you have to put it down in black and white, the wishful-thinking stuff really gets shown up as the crock it probably is.

So what's the view on being friended? I guess the gentlemanly thing to do is go along with it a bit, so I won't just ghost her, but keep some dignity and not let myself turn into a puppy either. That is also probably the smart thing seeing as we work in the same office.

And preferably score ASAP and let her know it!

 

[Milano]

Sounds good to me. The perfect revenge on a girl you cant have is to let her know you got it. Im thinking about asking out the sister of the tinder girl I saw a few months ago if she dares

 

[Tom Shivoe]

Milano, that is one cool avatar mate.

 

[Tom Shivoe]

Good intentions gone to sh1t. I whatsapped her last night, with an excuse I wanted to let her know casually I had had a cool evening with friends (subtext: I am "over it", umm, what was "it" anyway?), then kept up a convo for a couple of hours. When I looked at it this morning I realised her messages were one-liners, mine were, well, longer - although no declarations of undying love at least. I still felt like a loser.

Live and learn. Friday night. I don't actually have plans but damned if she gets to know that. And no starting text convo's. And if she starts one, she gets a one-line reply unless she is actually showing interest.

COME ON!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Good intentions gone to sh1t. I whatsapped her last night, with an excuse I wanted to let her know casually I had had a cool evening with friends (subtext: I am "over it", umm, what was "it" anyway?), then kept up a convo for a couple of hours. When I looked at it this morning I realised her messages were one-liners, mine were, well, longer - although no declarations of undying love at least. I still felt like a loser.

Live and learn. Friday night. I don't actually have plans but damned if she gets to know that. And no starting text convo's. And if she starts one, she gets a one-line reply unless she is actually showing interest.

COME ON!

Let her call. Don't reply on text

 

[finality]

A lot of women are shy and awkward. They need a few drinks to open up.. and open their legs.

Not sure what is going on with the rest of your posts. Ask her out, try to fuk her. You are overthinking things. She will either be receptive or non receptive..

Going back and reading old texts to try to find meaning is pointless and will drive you crazy.

 

[Tom Shivoe]

Venting on here and getting people's views is a big help.

I am just arranging to meet friends as much as I can and booking myself into online social and activity meetups (have moved city so I don't know so many people). However there is still dead time when I find my mind is dwelling on it a bit. I am thinking about OLD as well but haven't taken the plunge yet...

But I'm still not too happy with my own response to the situation because I think I am just way too invested in it and thinking far too much about it. Like I said, 40 going on 16. I keep thinking to myself, grow up man! This is the first time I have had strong-ish feelings for someone since I left my ex-wife a year ago. Or for a while before that. I never cheated on my ex-wife. (Kind of wish I had now.)

Just to add to the fun, I have p1ssed in the well by dating someone from the main group of new friends I've made since moving city. I ended it because I got uncomfortable with how she seemed to want to escalate to serious relationship very quickly, plus frankly I wasn't that attracted to her and probably shouldn't have started anything anyway. But she is still part of that group. Shoe, foot, other.

By the way I need a cheat sheet for some of the jargon on this site like red pills, alpha/beta (altho I guess beta is just being a p#ssy?) etc. Is there one?

 

[Tom Shivoe]

Sorry if this is a thread necro but I felt like posting to say we have a happy ending and it's all because of this site. Well maybe not all, but I think it definitely helped.

For the past 6 weeks, after I thought this girl had signalled lack of interest, I did my best to shelve her mentally, to work on myself and develop abundance mentality. I dated 2 other women (and am building up to a 3rd), fixed my diet and started working out more, and kept up activities and building my social circle. Before I found this site I would probably have sat at home ordering takeaway and rewatching old TV.

Meanwhile I had a daily texting thing with this girl and occasional phone calls. I didn't feel 100% good about letting her get in 2 hour plus calls but I admit I was enjoying it. All the time I was hinting about dating etc. without giving her details. For ex., I went on a business trip and she knew I came back Sat am because I had plans Sat pm. She didn't need to know it was a singles party.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago the girl (who is a coworker) shooting some pretty intense looks over while I was laughing and joking with another female coworker, and it clicked that her texting and chat had been getting a little more suggestive.

Last weekend, I sealed the deal with her. Her blush when I walked past her desk today made me feel pretty good, I don't mind admitting. There are going to be issues about workplace relationship management but I don't think that will be a big deal.

The challenge I face now is to stop myself falling into a monogamy trap. She's easily the highest scorer of my prospects at the moment. She's said she's insecure over her prospects with me because she thinks she bores me - which is a load of crap, and I suspect is something she is trying to use to arouse pity and get me to drop other plates. But hey, that's a good problem to have.

Oh and P.S. - although this site helped, I could have just listened more to my old man. He wasn't big on advice but he once told me women want things just because other women have got them. He meant fur coats (in his era) and diamond rings, but of course it works for men too.

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Good intentions gone to sh1t. I whatsapped her last night, with an excuse I wanted to let her know casually I had had a cool evening with friends (subtext: I am "over it", umm, what was "it" anyway?), then kept up a convo for a couple of hours. When I looked at it this morning I realised her messages were one-liners, mine were, well, longer - although no declarations of undying love at least. I still felt like a loser.

Live and learn. Friday night. I don't actually have plans but damned if she gets to know that. And no starting text convo's. And if she starts one, she gets a one-line reply unless she is actually showing interest.

COME ON!

No texting, no whattsupping. You are just giving her attention. If she wants your attention, she can get it fully on a date.

Oh, and well done.

 

[Tom Shivoe]

My situation with my coworker has moved ahead into relationship territory. We're spending 2-3 nights a week together and we're planning a holiday. She's disclosed the relationship to 3 people out of the department of 30 or so who are friends of hers (I am newer in the company and don't know/trust anyone else well enough to disclose it).

The headfcuks continue as last weekend she dropped the L-bomb. We've only been sleeping together for 3 weeks although this thing started at Christmas. I think it's way too soon to start saying I Love You's. Oh and by the way I did the sh1tty thing and said it back even though I don't mean it yet - which isn't to say I might not get there.

She'd had a couple of glasses of wine and we were in the sack, so I'm putting it down to a rush of emotion on her part (and misplaced politeness/moral cowardice on mine). But I used to rationalise my NPD ex's behaviour in this kind of way and missed the clues there was something deeply wrong. So I am posting here to see what people think. How much of a warning sign is it when someone drops the L-bomb that early?

 

[sodbuster]

Women who fall in love that fast, can fall out of it just as fast. She may not be totally stable..... brush up your resume just in case she poisons your job for you

 

[DJohn]

oh, that sounds like a headf$cks. my story has few parallels with yours. I suggest you look at other potential red flags as well and put it together. Same as with my ex NPD, dropped L-bomb after a month into relatiobship and Ive followed. She dropped L-bomb, then looked at me and as if I was expected to say the same. next time I saw her I have told her openly that I did not love her at that stage and would rather stay open about it.

She told people in the office about our relationship and quickly booked few holidays away for just two of us. I mean we just started going out and two weeks into our relationship she booked three (!) holidays. I just followed. While on holidays/when we were back she asked me few times if I have mentioned i was going on hols with her to my parents - "hi mam and dad, im going on holidays with xxx, oh and again i'm going on holidays with xxx". I only now I begin to realize all those red flags i should have seen at that stage. I was blind. I was thinking with my c! than head, I have to say.

While on holidays she befriended me on FB and basically spread the word to the world! This is how they suck you in. I was so worried how people in the office would react if I walk away from her. I was not comfortable with her and the pace and all those commitment things she wanted me to do and follow. Year later she told me she would like us to reach next stage of our relationship and get expected and have a child. only then i freaked out. I'm finally free man from this utter NPD. goof luck, mate!

 

[glass half full]

I'm happy for you. But I'm always skeptical of workplace dating. It only works for bosses fvcking good looking workplace girls, esp. after Happy Hour.
Be Careful, when this shyt backfires it's a killer.