Looking for some Don Juan advice!

[Subl1me]

Dear Don Juans,

I don't often post here, but I've been around under various usernames for nearly a decade now. Over the years I've turned to you with my major relationship issues with women and you have always delivered. It has been almost three years since I last posted here. But I now turn to you in your infinite wisdom once more.

Now that the dramatic introduction has concluded...

My girlfriend and I are having major communication issues. I am not sure what I should do about it. Without making myself sound like a total jackass, the gist of the problem is this: I hate listening to her speak.

She is a fantastic girl in most respects. We have been dating for two years and now live together. She is attractive (to me), kind, smart, respectful, thoughtful, and has a lot of great qualities. I love her and want to be with her, but I'm not sure what this problem indicates for the future of our relationship.

We recently moved to a new city (for my job), in the same "geographic region" (i.e. we are still in the "South") but distant enough from our home where she doesn't know anybody. She often complains about being lonely, and other than her coworkers, I am the only person she spends time with and talks to here.

This has resulted in her wanting to talk to me constantly and tell me the minute details of her day-to-day existence. For example, we will both get home from work, I will be relaxing in the living room, and she will want to tell me about what Sally said about Jane said about Hillary during her day. I don't know these people, and I've tried, but I can't force myself to be interested.

For example:

Coworker A's uncle died and so he's going to New York for an entire week [insert 10 minute story]

Coworker B has a new boyfriend that she met online [insert 20 minute story]

She rambles on about these stories (and others) for long periods of time, and I simply can't force myself to be interested. I enjoy having mutual conversations with her. But recently, the conversations have been completely one-sided and completely tailored to her interests. And she rambles.

This is a problem because I feel as though my conversational needs aren't being met, and I feel like I don't have any peaceful time to myself. I feel bad because I know she's lonely, and I want to talk to her as much as possible, but when I'm sitting there listening to her, it's like I'm psychologically being tortured and drained of my stamina.

It has even gotten to the point where I dread seeing her name pop up on my phone because I know the conversation will drive me nuts.

I have brought this up (gently) to her many times. But anytime I mention this problem, it's immediately turned back on me. It's about how "I want to dominate the conversation." It's about how "I'm not interested in her life" and so on and so forth.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read about my situation. I would like to salvage this relationship (or at least attempt), which is why I am turning to you. This is a completely different relational problem than I have ever encountered before, so I'm not exactly sure how to handle it or what to think. I sincerely appreciate anyone's honest feedback and direction. Has anyone ever encountered anything like this, or gone through it themselves? If I'm being a baby, or unreasonable, or insensitive, then let me know. I appreciate any thoughts you have.

Sincerely,

Subl1me

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Was she like this in the beginning?

When you want to relate something from your life, is she interested in listening to you?

And yes, to varying degrees, it's not uncommon with women. Especially at the end of the day, they seem to have this "need" to just run their mouths about their day and all the happenings and drama in other people's lives. And you probably just want some peace and quiet. Or you're thinking, what in the name of god is the purpose of this conversation? And the answer quite often is: there is no purpose. A lot of women just love to talk. And they want you to just listen.

Sounds like you live together. If so, it's going to be really difficult to get a break from her mouth.

-Augustus-

 

[Paul_FR]

Well. First of all, you have to accept that a woman will stay a woman, blah blah blah for hours on end. However this is a bit different: She seems to find it harder than you accepting the change of city, being away from people she knows and etc.

She is therefore counting on you to be there also as a friend as much as a lover, and therefore expects you to listen to all her stories for hours on end. Something that no man can endure once coming in from a hard days work.

Best solution is : go out together, to a pub/bar or anywhere and make new friends so she can find a new "confidant"...

 

[wifehunter]

Or, drop her, and find someone you actually like to talk to??? (Sarcasm)

 

[backseatjuan]

I'm not sure what this problem indicates for the future

It just means that you have to give in to some situations to make things work. Ask any woman, they will confirm my words. I suggest you take your girlfriend for a road trip, then go for it and merry her. Two years is enough time. Make some children.

 

[Von]

She's making you à tampon for her loneliness/emotional instability due to life change.

Trust i've lived what you experiencing,it's a relationship killer.

She needs new friends and you need to be the catalyst for that.

Telling/confronting her will just give you 1 week of peace.

You need to take action in introducing her to people. To have an invisible hand in making her pursue à social life (à life similar to what she loved doing in the previous city)

Take her to the same stuff she used to do (of course, she'll compare), than something great in the new city, and to something she loves in the new place.

You also, have to bring slowly your network. So she can make her own from there.

This will make you in a powercouple.

Take her out as much as possible, discover the place, the people, and make her realize she can have a cool life here too. She's bored and lonely.

It's my advice and it has to start from you

 

[oOh Nasty]

Try to consider the alternatives of her dumping her gossip rituals and stories to someone else instead of you.

If she "emotionally unloads" with one of her female friends, there's that risk of her being sucked into that "you go girl" mindset which usually works against you.

If she "emotionally unloads" with one of her male friends, well...we all know where that can possibly head towards.

It sucks that you have become her shrink and gossip tampon, but if you aren't spinning plates and have decided that all other women probably won't be as good as her, you should probably take the zen route and use her babbling as an opportunity to practice some extreme monk-like patience.

I haven't really thought about this situation too much, so take the above words lightly. Only you know your own context best. This is a just-in-case viewpoint for one of those "grass is greener" situations. It's actually probably a red flag for a girl who says you're trying to "dominate the conversation" after talking for 20 minutes and not letting you get any words in.

I understand your pain though. Any kind of listening which lasts more than 10 minutes would drive me insane. If I had a girlfriend, I would probably try to get her interested in some kind of hobby that would keep her occupied. A girl I used to date used to cross-stitch for hours in the same room with me while I watched Netflix or played video games.

That, or just find a girl who doesn't have the extreme need to explain every occurrence of her life in detail.

 

[Subl1me]

Was she like this in the beginning?

When you want to relate something from your life, is she interested in listening to you?

And yes, to varying degrees, it's not uncommon with women. Especially at the end of the day, they seem to have this "need" to just run their mouths about their day and all the happenings and drama in other people's lives. And you probably just want some peace and quiet. Or you're thinking, what in the name of god is the purpose of this conversation? And the answer quite often is: there is no purpose. A lot of women just love to talk. And they want you to just listen.

Sounds like you live together. If so, it's going to be really difficult to get a break from her mouth.

-Augustus-

Greetings.

To answer your first question, no, she was not like this in the beginning. She has always been a "talker." We met through mutual friends a few years ago, and even my mutual friends made comments (before we were dating) about how much she talks. But back then, during the initial stages of the relationships, the conversations had more meaning. The conversations weren't about the minutiae of her daily activities; rather, the conversations were more about topics that we found mutually engaging. Politics. Our friend group. Religion. Life goals.

And to answer your second question: yes, to varying degrees. Sometimes I feel an "edge" in her voice when I'm telling her something, though. It's almost like this: You weren't interested in what I had to say, and so I'm not interested in what you're saying. For example, if I'm talking about something I'm interested in (maybe the score of the football game), she'll deliberately give a nonchalant answer to "make the statement" that she's not interested. I don't really know how to explain it. But I feel like she resents me for not being interested in her day-to-day stories, and in turn expresses that when I talk.

Thank you for your input.

 

[Subl1me]

She's making you à tampon for her loneliness/emotional instability due to life change.

Trust i've lived what you experiencing,it's a relationship killer.

She needs new friends and you need to be the catalyst for that.

Telling/confronting her will just give you 1 week of peace.

You need to take action in introducing her to people. To have an invisible hand in making her pursue à social life (à life similar to what she loved doing in the previous city)

Take her to the same stuff she used to do (of course, she'll compare), than something great in the new city, and to something she loves in the new place.

You also, have to bring slowly your network. So she can make her own from there.

This will make you in a powercouple.

Take her out as much as possible, discover the place, the people, and make her realize she can have a cool life here too. She's bored and lonely.

It's my advice and it has to start from you

This has been difficult.

In my early 20s, I had tons of friends, and she felt like she was part of my social circle. I think this made it easier for her. However, even from the beginning stages of our relationship, this "loneliness" problem has reared its ugly head. Even when we were constantly around our (really strong and vibrant) friend group in our old city, she would always make backhanded or blunt remarks about her insecurity in this area.

For example, I'm extremely close with my best friend from college. I remember her saying things like "I really wish I had a best friend like [Joshua] that I could talk to." She had a falling out with her college roommate (and best friend), doesn't talk to her best friends from high school anymore, and thinks that no one cares about her.

Over the years, my level of social behavior has faded gradually. As I mentioned, I was very socially active in my early 20s and had too many friends to juggle at once. Now, after my friends have dispersed across the country, began their own family lives, and become consumed by their careers, I am more and more content spending time alone. I just don't have the drive to get out there and be with people that I once had.

That's not to say that I haven't tried to do exactly what you've suggested. I have tried to help her establish connections in this new city, and it's like pulling teeth. Even though I'm not the "social butterfly" (sorry to use that corny term) I once was, I'm not completely socially inept.

I've invited coworkers over to our apartment for dinner, coworkers whose significant others are in a similar position as my girlfriend: new to the city with a limited amount of friends. Whenever my girlfriend complains about being lonely, I say "well why don't you text [Megan] to hang out?" But she refuses to do this. And she refuses when I offer to set up the event for her.

Additionally, one of my friends from college recently moved to the area to enter into graduate school at a local University. This woman (who knew me initially and not my girlfriend) has tried very hard to become friends with my girlfriend. I will put the wheels in motion and invite my old college friend over, but my girlfriend refuses to even talk about this woman because she's in a graduate program that my girlfriend wasn't accepted into a few years ago.

One of my coworkers recently invited us to a holiday party. My coworker has a girlfriend who recently moved to the area and doesn't have very many close friends. We had a fantastic time at the party, and the four of us really bonded. The next time that my girlfriend complained about being lonely, I said "well why don't you ask [Shelby] from the party to lunch?" Again she refused because she didn't like a certain minor quality about this girl.

Even in our apartment building, there's a young woman who's always alone who lives right across the hall from us. I never see her with anyone and she's always home. She's an attractive, normal-looking woman from the same racial heritage as my girlfriend. I have begged my girlfriend to initiate contact with this woman and invite her over or simply invite her out to go walking in our area (we live in a really cool area). But she just refuses to take the initiative.

It is hard on me because I wish I could magically wave my hands and help her make friends, but my ideas, advice, and attempts simply fly by the wayside. I feel like no matter what I do, or despite the opportunities I put in place for her to make a new connection, she dismisses it and finds something wrong with the person or doesn't have the drive to make the effort.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I'm just not sure what more I can do at this point.

 

[RangerMIke]

You need to get her some female friends. Trust me on this, women need other women as friends... it will KILL THEM if they don't get this, they have to have girl's night out now and then.

YOU need to step up your social game. Stop 'begging' her to go out and find friends, YOU as the man need to take the bull by the horns. Find something that you both like to do together and go meet some couples. I'm sure you can figure out something, there are all kinds of clubs and groups to join.. find one.

Take charge and lead to social activities or you are going to drive yourself crazy.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

The problem is you can't do anything about this.

You have suggested everything you can think of. Instead of hearing you and respecting your needs she is trying to isolate you as she has isolated herself.

Her insecurities and immaturity is taking its toll because she refuses to be a self assured adult. Two people should be able to have individual lives and come together to share the highlight reel on day to day things.

If she has no friends SHE is the reason why. I hate to be so harsh but great women figure out that they need girlfriends to gab with so they can be fulfilled when they get time with their man at the end of the day. So she can be your woman and focus on giving you what you need.

This gal wants you to be both her girlfriend and her boyfriend. Some men like that level of chatter...many men do not.

The only thing you can do is sit her down & lay it out and tell her what will happen if this behavior continues...

You need to cover her covert resentment, her refusal to make new friends, her refusal to chat to old friends from the old city, and how this behavior is causing you to question the relationship (because it IS or you wouldn't be here.)

Perhaps she needs a therapist. I'm being completely serious about that.

She needs to also understand that you simply don't have the bandwidth for all the pressure all this minute detail and insignificant social chatter puts on you. You need quiet down time to recharge & she isn't respecting this need.

I know you love her. Can you live with this behavior long term? That answer sounds like a resolute NO. So either the behavior goes or she goes.

Otherwise you'll ignore (be Zen or whatever), she will resent and the issue will worsen eventually and sour your love (see this already beginning?)

You have simply accelerated the progression by moving somewhere new.

A well adjusted woman would be making new friends & expanding socially out of curiosity and desire for social connection. This woman is not doing that. You can't fix her and she is the problem.

That's why I suggest a therapist. Your gf may not be self aware enough to see the problem & how it will spoil your relationship.

As for you, you are asking this question because you are placing your concern for her loneliness etc. ABOVE your own need for peace & time to recharge.

Stop It.

Quit doing that. You must take the actions & make the statements that put YOU and your needs FIRST. She follows/complies/figures it out within your parameters or she goes.

 

[Glassguy]

Your girl is bored, plain and simple. Flip the script and you would be bored too.

She needs to find some friends, a couple hobbies, etc. Maybe you can BOTH find something to do outside of sitting at home after work that you are BOTH interested in. Something that you can do together or singly would be ideal.

This would help her find new friends, keep you both moving and entertained and give you something you both enjoy to talk about other than how a sh!tty day of work was when you get home.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Based on the additional information you've provided, there is a real problem here. You can't fix it. Only she can.

And the best indicator of future behavior for most people is past behavior.

So you need to ask yourself if you want to listen to her meaningless chatter for the next xx years. And beyond that, do you want to be involved with a woman who doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for her happiness and for cultivating a social network for herself?

-Augustus-

 

[Bible_Belt]

Mutual resentment is the beginning of the end in a relationship. She's going to find someone to talk to, whether it's you or some other guy who will pretend to listen to her so that he can fvck her.