Finishing with a bytch on Christmas day

[Reykhel]

So I live aboad and 9/10 I would travel back to my mother's house and spend Christmas with my family. Parents are divorced, father recently had a stroke and is in hospital. We're not close anyway ...

Mother is spending this Christmas abroad and I'm bloody happy for her. So, I might have spent Christmas abroad has I not been invited to spend Christmas with GF. Now, I'll be honest: I consider her my number one plate but she considers that we are exclusive. We never had that chat. I fvck other women as in my view we never had that chat.

The bytch has a strong personality. I laugh. I'm casual. She tries to be dominant. I laugh, I do my thing. She says "usually fellas just give in to me" I way " you can huff and puff, but this house ain't coming down"

Now what benifit do I get from her? I'm abroad and she's been KEY to my networking. And the sex is on tap

Problem? Her bossy nature is a walk in the park to me. And in fact I find it quite amusing

However, a controling element has entered the fray since this trip and I've warned her....

And you know, I wanted to tell her by warning her..."bytch, don't do that. I don't like that. That will ripple."

Now, number 3 has happened and I made the death signal. She said "we're finished aren' t we:?" Me "Yes, bytch "

I'll say what the attempts of control were later.........but I don't fly out till Friday...

Stick to my guns?
Pretend all is okay until Friday?

 

[fastlife]

I think a lot of the time girl's, of a certain--disposition--, pull nuclear sh1t tests at times & circumstances (such as Christmas, Valentine's Day, on vacation, out with mutual friends) when they know that circumstances make it more difficult to walk away.

Face it: now you're the d1ck who broke up with her on Christmas. The only way I'd play it cool is if breaking up with her now would negatively affect your other relationships in your network.

But let's face it: you haven't broken frame, but you haven't exactly drawn her into yours or set the frame, either. I'd call it a wash and find a girl who's so into you she doesn't care if you see other girls and won't cause drama on the holidays.

 

[Reykhel]

Well, she said "can we talk? "

I said "wait" as I was sitting there writing this thread. She waited.

Told her brother in law to open his port and I showed him Conor Mcgregor videos. Then I said "you wanna talk? ****ing talk"

Bytch was embarassed and asked me to chat upstairs. She don't want to split and apologised.

"I don't want to like this"

Like this? What's the difference?

I said "play it by ear during the week" because it could be awkward...

Gents, this girl has served me well, but getting rid of her would be just like changing the fvcking train. A slight inconvenience but at the end of the day.....if they are not serving you....they are in your fvcking way

 

[Reykhel]

@fastlife ....begging to be one of the best pósters here

How could I have drawn her more into my frame, my man?

I'll admit, sometimes I just don't care.....I'm genuinely "man, I just don't care"

She is fvcking trying to be all ov7er me now. I Just got a "can I get a kiss?" . Little peck on the forehead drives her mad

"Get me something to drink"

She got me a red wine

 

[dustmuffin]

@fastlife ....begging to be one of the best pósters here

How could I have drawn her more into my frame, my man?

I'll admit, sometimes I just don't care.....I'm genuinely "man, I just don't care"

She is fvcking trying to be all ov7er me now. I Just got a "can I get a kiss?" . Little peck on the forehead drives her mad

"Get me something to drink"

She got me a red wine

Stick to your guns. Be polite for the rest of the time you are with her. She tried to steal frame with her antics. I think you held up well and kept frame. You told her of the boundary and she did it anyway.....no respect. Have fun be polite and ghost her after you leave on friday. If you really wanted to be an as shole, pretend everything is alright, **** her hard and then ghost her on friday. No explanation, no nothing

 

[El Payaso]

Stick to your decision.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

What benefits you more?

 

[fastlife]

How could I have drawn her more into my frame, my man?

I'll admit, sometimes I just don't care.....I'm genuinely "man, I just don't care"

I don't pretend to have mastery on any of what I'm about to write--I just haven't had a big enough sample size over a long enough period of time, so all of these concepts are still a work-in-progress & subject to change.

For your current situation, I've had some success flipping girls around by pretty much doing what you're doing--dialing up the indifference & dominance to get them to reinvest. However, by the time you get to this point, you're living on borrowed time & the second blowout will be a lot worse than the first. She'll do what she needs to to get things back on track--but it'll be the same track you were on before with the same pitfalls and misplaced expectations that caused the fallout in the first place.

For one night stands & really short term casual affairs, the sort of indifference you describe is probably the best course of action. You don't want to draw her too far into your frame or get her to invest too much emotionally--but for anything longer you need to actively set the frame or else she'll fill in the blanks for you with a socially-approved narrative: you, in her narrative of the relationship, ARE HER BOYFRIEND.

Contrary to popular narrative, girls don't care if you sleep with other girls, they don't care if you hit it & quit it, they don't care if you disappear for a couple days. That isn't what upsets them. WHAT UPSETS THEM IS WHEN YOU DEFY THEIR EXPECTATIONS.

For any girl, there are three narratives to manage (whether you care or not, these things are still your responsibility insofar as failure to lead will have negative repercussions to your stability & peace of mind): 1.) Her narrative of who you are 2.) Her narrative about the relationship between the two of you 3.) Her narrative of how she views herself. The goal is to make her feel good about #1 and #2 without ever endangering her view of herself in point #3 (which is more fixed, usually, and will be different for different girls). NOTE: Some girls will have narratives that preclude any stable possibility of a 'good' narrative for you or the relationship--if a girl sees herself as the victim, for example, she'll twist any frames you set as negative to preserve that view of herself. Others, such as 'good girls,' will require more discretion and a more creative narrative for point #2 to prevent triggering ASD--or she might disassociate from the whole thing and 'it never happened'

But let's start with #1: The girl's narrative of who you are. This is the frame you have the most control over and will directly impact how much flexibility you have regarding her expectations for the type of relationship that feels good for her. Take Trey Songz or Future, for example: based on their personas, a girl would happily sleep with them, probably more than once, with no expectation that they would provide emotionally or commit exclusively. Whereas for Bob, the accountant, who volunteers at The Humane Society and whose parents and hers have been friends forever, would be hated for even trying to have a strictly sexual relationship with that same girl. How dare he?!?! When you meet a girl, you need to demonstrate aspects of your personality that keep you outside of the 'boyfriend expectation zone.' For me, that's lying about my job (ridiculous lies that a girl can't help but catch onto), not disclosing my full name, talking about other girls, even hitting on other girls in front of her, maybe taking some shots at monogamous couples in the vicinity, being super noncommittal about seeing her again.

This sets the narrative for the kind of relationship she'd have with me in the first place (Point #2). However, that narrative has to feel good for her and she has to have an excuse for why she remains in that type of relationship. She's an awesome girl but it'd be unfair to her to try to possess her. Or she's young and I wouldn't want to keep her from experiencing life. Or I don't make promises I can't keep. Or we have 'a special connection' and I didn't plan on letting things get that far, but I only want to give her the best of me & I feel more alive when I can go out & talk to other girls. And for me all these things are true, so every time she sh1t tests me she feels the strength--the truth--of that frame. I also genuinely want what's best for the girls I get involved with--even if that's not me--which incidentally allows them to feel good about choosing the guy they know probably won't commit.

But this girl already has her own ideas for #1 and #2. So if you violate those contexts, she'll get upset because you'll be directly challenging Point #3 in the process. Girls have way more flexibility on the front end than the back end--and you have to actively sets those narratives. People can get used to choppy seas and really appreciate the calms--but if it's been smooth sailing and you start rocking the boat...well, that's when they freak the fvcked out.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

One doesn't make threads about girls one 'genuinely' doesn't care about. Especially one with experience and understanding.

Don't think there was any real reason to quit on Christmas day. Doing so seems to me like you were trying to create an effect, which also suggests you do care.

Try not to consider the consequences too much. As I've said recently, just playing the hard bastard all the time doesn't really rub with many people, unless you really are that person, which not many here are. Seems like you almost met a decent match and you didn't really know what to do with it. In your defence, there isn't a lot of guidance available on that particular scenario: that being, when you've actually met a half decent one, but aren't completely sold yet.

 

[Reykhel]

One doesn't make threads about girls one 'genuinely' doesn't care about. Especially one with experience and understanding.

Don't think there was any real reason to quit on Christmas day. Doing so seems to me like you were trying to create an effect, which also suggests you do care.

Try not to consider the consequences too much. As I've said recently, just playing the hard bastard all the time doesn't really rub with many people, unless you really are that person, which not many here are. Seems like you almost met a decent match and you didn't really know what to do with it. In your defence, there isn't a lot of guidance available on that particular scenario: that being, when you've actually met a half decent one, but aren't completely sold yet.

You're not far off at all my friend and I appreciate your insight.


There's a few elements involved (and perhaps the last one I mention will be the most trivial but possibly the most substancial)

You're right there's a part of me that does "care". But not in the way you think. This girl was a plate that I saw once a week and then I cuy her off (I should have wrote a thread about it, it would have been amusing, it would have been called "when two plates collide")


A good few months past and I have the philosophy that one should never go back. Then the Machiavelli in me came out and I realised this girl was a "social gatekeeper ". You know one of those people who connects a lot of people?

I decided that I had reacted emotionally getting rid of her and in fact I hadn' t 'mined that well" so to speak.


I had to play a few chess moves to put us back together and it worked...

Has it benefited me? Yes. Because of some contacts I got because of her I am in a better position career wise and financially speaking. Believe it or not I live in a better apartment too.

Do I care? Yes, can you see why? Do I care as in this is the girl of my dreams? No. Although she is a good kid.

Yesterday there was a LOT of booze taken. It never is good for a man's frame.

I will write later about the attempts of control. But the cut came after the third control/ frame grab

 

[Reykhel]

The control grabs; and my responses:

1. We went shopping as I needed to replace my chelsea boots...I'm paying and the cashier (female) asks me if I want a bag (5 cent). I way yes. My "gf" says "No he doesn't! And presumes to pull out an ill fitting bag and tries to make my box fit. I look at the cashier and say "give me a bag baby"
I LATER PULL HER UP ON THIS AND I DON'T NEED HER TRYING TO DECIDE FOR ME.
she apologises and tells me I'm right. All well Except an asma problem...wtf

 

[Reykhel]

2. We go to the pub (night time). Her brother is there. Good lad, I'll have a pint with him. We're two pints/ 1 hour in and all is well.she turns to me "hey, we'll have one more and head after that. I'm knackered"
Me "you fvck off if you want. I'll stay until I want. Making a suggestion to me would be better. Why are you trying to make my decisions? "

Her "I'm sorry I didn't realise I was."

She stayed with me till last orders. For last orders I ordered me and her brother a few guinness and rum and coke

No more issues that night

 

[Reykhel]

3. BINGO I HAVE THE MOMENT OF EXPLOSION:
Fvcking Christmas morning and I'm used to having ****tails with my family. Well, I'm slightly hungover and I'm waiting on a drink.
Look, I must say something: if you were in my house I would treat you like a LORD. No joke, I treat you well in my house. I DID NOT FEEL THAT LEVEL OF TREATMENT AND I WAS OFFENDED. I am never offended but lack of hospitality is just fvcking low class.

I HAD TO ASK FOR A FVCKING DRINK GENTS!!!!!! THE BYTCH GAVE ME A GLASS OF ROSÉ AND SAID "THAT'S ALL THAT'S OPEN"

SO OPEN ANOTHER YOU POOR FVCK?!!!! I FVCKING BOUGHT YOUR FAMILY A CRATE OF RED!!!!!

I wasn't happy and told her she was been a ****e host

 

[Serenity]

Holy sh!t, that stuff would drive me crazy. You're right, those are control grabs. Kinda funny because all she needs to do is calm the fvck down and just relax. She just can't handle it.

The one about her pulling out a bag is like a typical AFC move. Trying to be helpful, but in trying so hard is completely fvcking it up.

Lol at #3 though, you may interpret that whichever way you want.

 

[Reykhel]

3. Continue
So I'm fvcking livid because I'm a self ritheous bastard but I expect to be treated well as a guest
I get on whatsapp to my brother and tell him the deal "that's fvcking rediculous "

I FVCKING KNOW, RIGHT?????!!!

we go to dinner at her granny's.....you know what? I get on like a house on fire with her relatives (there's about 15) you know chatting to one of her uncles....he's 48....he was married 10 years and his wife died of cancer 2 years a go....you know what? He didn't mention it once (she told me next day) A GEM OF A MAN. Fvcking decent bloke: a man' s man.....talking about boxing and drinking and society..

Then she came over and tried to control my drinking..........

Fvcking buzzkill

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

How far apart were all of these occurrences?

 

[Reykhel]

How far apart were all of these occurrences?

Normally we don't spend that much time together...like once a week

Those happened over the space of three days. We are travelling together and arrived on Friday

Normally not in this close proximaty

 

[sazc]

Okay, so, from my perspective, #1 and #2....
#1 WTF evar, you let your man be your man. You STFU and let him answer questions that are posed to him. Bag? Really? Trivial!
#2 she didn't let you know, respectfully, that she was feeling like she might be ready to go soon? the way you have it posed, she instructed you. Legit, as a female I would have said, I'm ready to go soon, if you are not, let's call me an uber/taxi and I am good.
#3 feels to me to be about culture. Absofreakinglutely, would have asked my man, "do you want a drink?" Ive been there, done that, let's take the edge off. And then let him know what was open, and asked if he NEEDED anything different.

However, if she is coming back apologetic, doesn't that indicate that she is willing to learn?

This all needs to be tempered with how long have you been dating? Should she know this by now?

 

[Reykhel]

Okay, so, from my perspective, #1 and #2....
#1 WTF evar, you let your man be your man. You STFU and let him answer questions that are posed to him. Bag? Really? Trivial!
#2 she didn't let you know, respectfully, that she was feeling like she might be ready to go soon? the way you have it posed, she instructed you. Legit, as a female I would have said, I'm ready to go soon, if you are not, let's call me an uber/taxi and I am good.
#3 feels to me to be about culture. Absofreakinglutely, would have asked my man, "do you want a drink?" Ive been there, done that, let's take the edge off. And then let him know what was open, and asked if he NEEDED anything different.

However, if she is coming back apologetic, doesn't that indicate that she is willing to learn?

This all needs to be tempered with how long have you been dating? Should she know this by now?

She's apologising yes.

Acting like a little girl.

She's buying into my frame because I'm being a super cvnt.

You know? Everything about game is true. If it's cingruent with your personality . She said "if we broke up I'd be devastated but I know you wouldn't " and said that I'd replace her easily....

You know? It's true....and I could never imagine another way

What's the solution though

 

[sazc]

She's apologising yes.

Acting like a little girl.

She's buying into my frame because I'm being a super cvnt.

You know? Everything about game is true. If it's cingruent with your personality . She said "if we broke up I'd be devastated but I know you wouldn't " and said that I'd replace her easily....

You know? It's true....and I could never imagine another way

What's the solution though

I don't have that solution, I am a female on these boards. Do you want a sub serving female because you are being a cvunt? (Being a consistent cvunt takes a lot of time)
Have you communicated your needs to her directly? Some females DO want to be what you want them to be, they just need to know exactly (use your words) what you are looking for so they can be that.
IMO if you tell them what you are looking for and they do not fulfill, it is not a good match.

I do not know what else to say, I do understand where you are coming from.