When to back off the Alpha a little with a serious GF

[Carpathian]

If a woman is looking for a long term relationship - and we are both 48 by way - I am aware that if I am not careful and I am being too "cool" and "alpha" this could backfire.
After previous shenanigans with me being too nice, generous and available (as discussed in the "dumped challenge" thread) and getting dumped by another woman, I have learned the lessons from that approach. I have been much stronger and more alpha in my current, five month relationship. I really like this woman myself but I have played things much cooler having learned the perils of my previous ways......

She loves me and we have great sex etc but she says I am "different" from other guys in that I appear more remote and distant that her ex boyfriends who were forever texting her, seeking where they stand etc. I think she is a little fazed by my approach. However, I am starting to think I should back off the alpha just a little. She knows I am a good catch (and so is she to be honest). We are both professionals, own property, cars etc and dress well, slim attractive etc.

I think you guys know what I am trying to say. What do you think? Of course not being wet and soppy is the important thing and i never will. But also, not to be too available and overly generous. i don't want to wreck this by overplaying the alpha side.

Apologies for spellings, English not my first language.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

If a woman is looking for a long term relationship - and we are both 48 by way - I am aware that if I am not careful and I am being too "cool" and "alpha" this could backfire.
After previous shenanigans with me being too nice, generous and available (as discussed in the "dumped challenge" thread) and getting dumped by another woman, I have learned the lessons from that approach. I have been much stronger and more alpha in my current, five month relationship. I really like this woman myself but I have played things much cooler having learned the perils of my previous ways......

She loves me and we have great sex etc but she says I am "different" from other guys in that I appear more remote and distant that her ex boyfriends who were forever texting her, seeking where they stand etc. I think she is a little fazed by my approach. However, I am starting to think I should back off the alpha just a little. She knows I am a good catch (and so is she to be honest). We are both professionals, own property, cars etc and dress well, slim attractive etc.

I think you guys know what I am trying to say. What do you think? Of course not being wet and soppy is the important thing and i never will. But also, not to be too available and overly generous. i don't want to wreck this by overplaying the alpha side.

Apologies for spellings, English not my first language.

Do you think that she really ENJOYS being ignored? I think it stirs up interest because it is different from the rest.

 

[bigneil]

You're worried you're not acting beta enough?

 

[icantgetlaid]

You need to continue doing whatever behavior got you to this point with her. It's obviously working.

 

[Carpathian]

Thankyou guys for the input. Nice to be sanity checked by fellow DJ's.

 

[dustmuffin]

You need to continue doing whatever behavior got you to this point with her. It's obviously working.

This ^

 

[BraddH]

Nononono. Keep it 60-40. Once in a while show her some more love if you have been cold to her.

If it is always 90-10, she'll just figure your not interested and will find someone who is. At least if its a woman that is "high quality". And not someone who is desperate, low.

 

[Carpathian]

I'm never "cold" to her or rude. I'm always loving to her. I just let her do most of the initiating of texting etc. She wishes me good morning over text most days. And I let her. And I do reply back. Likewise goodnight. But I am starting to think she is onto me and has asked why she is doing most of the texting and pursuing....... And that's why I am thinking maybe a little bit more is needed from me.

 

[Poon King]

You're falling right into the trap most women set.

Women gain the upper hand in relationships by creating insecurity in men. They don't want you thinking too highly of yourself because it means you might cheat or level up. She want's you believing she is a "big deal" and you will suffer if she is not in your life. That of course is complete bullsh!t but women are good at manipulating men into believing this nonsense through psychological fear. YOU are falling right into the trap.

***MUST READ FOR ALL RELATIONSHIP MINDED MEN***

Here is one eye opening way to look at your situation:

Lets say you are a great illegal street racer with a sexy car. You love to race your car at night and women love to ride with you. After each race you f*ck the woman riding with you, then she gets out of the car. The next day you do it again and another woman rides with you.

BUT one day a woman rides with you and doesn't leave your car after she f*cks you. She wants to keep riding with you and keep f*cking you. So you get excited and think this woman is "special". You keep racing your car and f*cking her after each race and things are good.

THEN one day she asks you why you always have to race. Why do you need a sexy car? Why don't you just slow down and be with her? Like most dumb faggots, you give up your car and your racing to please her.

Then she starts to lose interest. WHY? Because what attracted her to you was the fact that you were a sexy street racer. Once you gave that up, you gave up your sexual options with it. You allowed her to turn you into someone else. You gave up the very thing that attracted her to you in the first place.

Does this make sense? I hope so.

The moral of the story is never change yourself for b!tches. Just don't do it.

 

[bigneil]

You're falling right into the trap most women set.

Women gain the upper hand in relationships by creating insecurity in men. They don't want you thinking too highly of yourself because it means you might cheat or level up.

This is so true. The girl I've been dating has barely uttered a single compliment to me, but unlike most girls who lay the flattery on thick (often in her presence), she proves herself with actions versus words. There is a conflict of interest where women don't want to tell you are that great or you'll think she should provide more value (for example, if the man pays for dinner and realizes he is just as good looking as she is, he might wonder why).

 

[Carpathian]

Thanks Poon King and bigneil for taking the time with your replies. I appreciate your thoughts. I wont walk into the trap.

 

[Ratiocinative]

Women are attracted to strength. That's not to say it is impossible to be too aloof, but if you are she will come out and tell you or hint at it really hard. When women complain or just ask why I never text them between dates I simply tell them I'm busy taking care of what I need to do so I'm all theirs when we go out. As long as you're consistent with that you're fine.

The idea that women are attracted to emotional men, or grand gestures, or constant communication are all Hollywood myths. All you need to do is schedule dates, have fun, be attentive to what she says, seduce her, have sex. No need to spend money, or buy her stuff, or write her poems, any and Hollywood stuff like that. If she tells you she feels like you don't care or she misses you or stuff like that, just schedule dates more often and make sure when she texts you first keep it short but enthusiastic. Don't be a **** and give her one word responsives (obviously), but don't text back and forth more than 2-3 times either. If you're doing things right it is normal for her to want you more and to feel like she doesn't see you enough, but don't let that trick you into thinking you need to start texting her more or any of that Hollywood stuff.

 

[sazc]

I am exactly that woman you described.

Your woman is communicating with you that she has some issues with your behavior. You should probably determine how deeply it is affecting her. Did she say you were being remote and distant because she is starting to wonder if you are ever going to be intimately connected? Did you ask her if your behavior bothered her? If you dont do some recon, and continue to be perceived as remote and distant to her, she may decide to next because she is looking for connection.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, i'll just share my story.
In my own personal dating experience I was attracted to distant and remote men because that is what my father was. My parents were married and he lived at home my entire life, with us, but he and I were not emotionally connected. When I finally figured out my relationship patterns, I realized I was initially attracted to disconnected men because that was where my comfort was, because of my father. It never failed, sometime between 4 and 6 months into a relationship, I longed for a real connection with the man. I would let him know I needed to feel closer to him, needed to feel like he cared, but none of them could give it, they didn't know how because of their own upbringing. A year or two in I would leave because I didn't feel a connection. It took me until my late 30's to figure that out. I changed my standards. Now I look for someone who isnt afraid to connect. I dont let that vulnerability scare me away. Just be cautious. If she's looking for a real connection and you continue to stay distant, she may decide she's not going to get what she needs from you and she may start to be distant herself while she contemplates moving on.

Here's the thing - you are an adult. Sometimes it's time to start adulting. You both have needs, ask her what her needs are and see if you can fulfill them. (and vice versa when you are ready to share what your needs are) If you are looking for an LTR with someone you value, it may be time to take some baby steps in that direction. At 47 do you really want to start over because she decided you were to remote and distant?

 

[ubercat]

She is 48. Insecurity is biting. She s trying to escalate your commitment. Don't change. She should be treating you like a king not throwing extra s*** tests. The reality is u can do better. If she self disqualifies do better. If you want to keep her around great but on your terms not hers. Point is she is threatening you with a toy gun.

 

[EyeBRollin]

What women say is bull****. Read what she responds to. If she's chasing you, she isn't getting rid of you. Let her chase.

 

[sazc]

She is 48. Insecurity is biting. She s trying to escalate your commitment. Don't change. She should be treating you like a king not throwing extra s*** tests. The reality is u can do better. If she self disqualifies do better. If you want to keep her around great but on your terms not hers. Point is she is threatening you with a toy gun.

Idk, if she is 48, has kept herself up, and has the job/finances and everything else in order, there's not much for her to be insecure about.
I am that female and I know that I have value to single men. I'm a professional, I look in my early 30's, I'm a size 8, and I have a great financial portfolio. When I am in an LTR, like I am now, I'm dedicated and loyal, partly because I am choosy about LTR's. I'm not interested in men under 40, but there's a LOT of men 40 and over who would give me the time of day, with pleasure, and they have means behind them.
The myth that 40 and over women are insecure is totally bogus for some females. The question is, which one is OP's female?

 

[ubercat]

Emotional connection happens naturally over time. If the OPs girlfriend wants to pick up the pace it's likely she has specific outcomes in mind.

 

[sazc]

Emotional connection happens naturally over time. If the OPs girlfriend wants to pick up the pace it's likely she has specific outcomes in mind.

They have been dating and fvcking for 5 months. That's not enough "time" to figure out if this is someone you want an emotional attachment too?
Agreed, her "specific outcomes" are probably to ride him bare back, without worrying about STD'S, and to develop a committed and deep relationship, with someone who is looking for a ride or die.

 

[BeExcellent]

Here's my 2 cents. I'm with @sazc on this one. The GF asking why she is having to do the majority of the initiating is not a red flag. It's her way of evaluating whether or not OP is worth HER time.

In my relationship I never text "good morning" and all that. I expect a man to initiate and demonstrate interest through action. My job is to respond. When a woman pre-empts the man by initiating she looses the ability to discern his interest by observing his actions because she is doing the man's job (initiate).

When this happens you eventually get these type questions because the woman starts to wonder if the man has any investment in her because she has removed her only ability to watch what the guy does. So you get this kind of question, which will then (if she isn't reassured) be followed by withdrawal so she can start observing the man's behavior.

I don't have this problem. I never initiate; I always respond.

As far as OP goes, it really comes down to what it is the OP wants. If he just wants serial dating and plate spinning then the advice from the men above applies.

If however the OP would rather have an LTR and develop depth on a deeper level, then at some point he's going to have to invest emotionally in someone.

Some of the advice in this thread is geared toward protecting OP from emotional attachment. In LTR game this is bad advice because it actually deprives OP of the depth required to develop something meaningful, and there are older women with options on the market. I am such a woman & so is @sazc.

My advice to OP is continue to be warm & loving when you are together and my suggestion is to assume more the man's role of leadership in the relationship (aka initiate contact.) This will accomplish 2 things. It will give the GF the reassurance she is seeking through action...and it will also allow OP to frame the contact and drive it.

I'm NOT saying OP should text more because she says so...

rather I'm suggesting this is an opportunity to assume a more masculine leadership role and at the same time reassure her and build her respect for you.

But that is only if OP values this woman and wants a LTR. If he wants various plates then the advice already given by the men here is the correct advice.

Good women don't stick around if they feel stonewalled any more than good men do.

What do you want OP?

 

[LLM]

She's 48- life is over for her. She's desperate to lock you in. These women don't know how pathetic they are