I got from Boyfriend-material to Clown In her eyes. Can I turn it around?

[zlatan]

Hello and sorry for a long post.

I spent the summer with a conservative girl (no drinking or sex) . She made me to a better person in these months. And we connected on a deeper level.

Her family knows about me, She bought me food, she wrote a text with me in it, giggled to everything I said, she talked to other people how great I was, She backed me up if someone was rude to me, Showed me personal photos on her phone and many other things.

After a while she had to go home to her city. I knew she was into me and I was into her but because of the distance I thougt it would better to forget her. So after a few weeks she calls me everyday for a hole week. I didnt pick any of the calls because I hade to clear my mind.

A week later I called her and no damage was done because again she talked about how much she missed me, she want to know me better and what she want to do with me in the future. And even that she will visit me in 6 months.

We have talked on phone now for three weeks. Around 1-2 calls per week. And slowly things going bad because of me.

This is how our latest phone conversations going on:
Everytime I call I act like a clown. I only say funny things and she laughs to everything. She maybe put in something serious about herself but I dont follow it up with questions and then I go back to joking around. And in all this I lost my self-control and throw in som needy stuff. To many compliments, future with us in it, how great she is. She said Im probably popular and my answear to that was "The girls are not like you" and so on. Me talking 80% and she 20%. I feel like a bulldozer and dont get the connection with her.

Yesterday I wrote a simple text to her on FB like "how are you?" She have not even take time to read it even if she is online all the time.

My two alternatives?
1.I call her in 2 days (haven't talked to her for 4 days). And maybe you guys could tell me how to set up the call? I would appreciate that so much!

2 . Call her in 2 days and tell her the true. Im not myself right now with all these jokes and that I take her seriously but she have to give it some time. Game over speech or may work?

I think my phone skills sucks. Set up a date in 5min is ok but talk about random things in 20min is a different story for me.

Im in my 30s and thought finally. Then I freak out and end up doing strange things.

 

[usernamedox11]

honestly, you sound like a hopeless case. just pay for an escort...not even joking

 

[zlatan]

honestly, you sound like a hopeless case. just pay for an escort...not even joking

Why do you think that?

 

[btownbuck2012]

Not sure why everyone is busting this guy's balls when he seems to be genuinely wanting some help with this situation.

zlatan,

what's your ethnic background? what type of experience do you have with women up to this point in your life? Some context would be helpful.

The problem with your current situation is that this girl isn't living in the same town as you anymore. There wasn't really too strong of an emotional connection between you and her for the summer that's going to make her remember you for too much longer afterwards. There wasn't any sex or physical intimacy between you two which at the end of the day basically places you in the same type of category and place in her mind that she puts guys who hit on her from day to day, maybe some guy friends she has had over the years or guys who try to stroke her ego on facebook, i.e. easily forgotten. Even if this girl was more conservative, you've got to push that boundary with her. Don't let her dictate whether or not you're still going to pursue her like a man that wants to f*ck her. If she is uncomfortable with that and is truly not going to have sex with any man because of her beliefs and lifestyle, she'll let you know, BUT if you back off because she told you to, then you're immediately placing yourself in a "just friends" category with her in her mind, i.e. a guy she is not romantically interested in.

She sounds a bit inexperienced herself. How old is she? You said you're in your 30s but this whole thing reads as if it were an interaction between a couple of middle schoolers on summer vacation.

The point being is you need to focus on building potential relationships with women in your area. This trying to keep her somewhat lukewarm, if that, interest alive while she's in another city through phone calls and texts isn't going to work. Here's a good article you should read on why these long distance "relationships" aren't worth your time: https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/20/letting-go-of-invisible-friend/

 

[zlatan]

Your answer really hit me. Thank you!

We live in the Nordic countries in Europe. We are a bit reserved over her. One relationship in my 20s that lasted for 3 years. And after that shorter relationships/connections with girls. Im 31 and she is 24. And your right we are probably both a bit inexperienced in relationships.

She actually did some work in my city for the church. She is really into her religion and sex before marriage is a no. And because of her work for the church at that time I could not push her to much with these things. We enjoyed each others company and I touched her as much as I could. But I could definitely try to push her limits under other circumstances.

When I talk to her over phone I feel pressure to keep her interest level high until I see her. And the talking doesnt work for me like in person and I backfire.

She had really great influence on me with these conservative things. And I thought that If she gets back her in 6 months we could probably solve things out so one of us could move.

I understand that the best is to avoid LDR and go and find a girl in my area. Unfortunately I never give up on things that I want so easy. So in this case I will probably crash sooner or later then.

 

[Roober]

If there is one thing I can add, is that once a girl loses respect or attraction, it is near impossible to get it back. If you do try, it is like starting completely over and at this point, she likely has other men she is talking to without the history. The cards are stacked against you very heavily.

 

[Shift]

I agree with btown, like what the fvck guys? This dude is genuinely looking to get better, and you guys act like insecure little betas who feel bad about themselves and try to make this guy feel like sh!t so you can feel better about yourselves. Shameful really.

Zlatan. You have too much focus on one girl who isn't even in close proximity to you. What happens in 6 months and you don't hear from her again? Don't hold out for her. There is no "one". You need to learn to build an abundance mindset. If things don't seem to be working with one girl you move on because there are millions of them out there. Please read the DJ Bible, found in the second sticky of this forum. Internalize it.

 

[RangerMIke]

You need to date more women. When you lock into just one, you lose your masculine frame because you try too hard which causes her to value you less because she doesn't have to work for you.

I really don't have any advice for you with a girl that will not sleep with you. In my experience, women you do not have sex with you can not really bond. Woman always expect a man will push for sex, and when you don't do that, she will not think you are a man. My guess would be with women like this, you still have to let her know you want to sleep with her and let her let you know how far you can go. Basically just don't hide what you want. My guess is that when she told you she was religious and didn't want sex, you went along with that an didn't try anymore. You should always push for sex... let her keep telling you no.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

I like your determination. I think it might I be too late for this one as you have made it clear you weren't that interested in sex with her because you accepted no.

You sound like you are trying too hard. That makes you seem desperate, which is very unnatractive. Women are not attracted to needy men. It shows insecurity and a lack of confidence.

What you need to do is relax and accept that you are NOT in a relationship with this woman. At the moment you are pen pals.
I
Talk less, not more. A lot less. You don't need to chat to her every week. Leave the intense stuff out. Neither of you are ready for that. What you need to be showing is that life is great and that you are having a great social life and meeting lots of people. The unspoken hint is that you are also meeting other women.
You should actually be doing this as well.

Maybe she will think, "maybe I misjudged him. Maybe he really is confident and meets lots of women. I like him so maybe I need to work a bit harder to keep him interested in me."

It might not work. At least the rest of your life will be better.

 

[dustmuffin]

Your answer really hit me. Thank you!

We live in the Nordic countries in Europe. We are a bit reserved over her. One relationship in my 20s that lasted for 3 years. And after that shorter relationships/connections with girls. Im 31 and she is 24. And your right we are probably both a bit inexperienced in relationships.

She actually did some work in my city for the church. She is really into her religion and sex before marriage is a no. And because of her work for the church at that time I could not push her to much with these things. We enjoyed each others company and I touched her as much as I could. But I could definitely try to push her limits under other circumstances.

When I talk to her over phone I feel pressure to keep her interest level high until I see her. And the talking doesnt work for me like in person and I backfire.

She had really great influence on me with these conservative things. And I thought that If she gets back her in 6 months we could probably solve things out so one of us could move.

I understand that the best is to avoid LDR and go and find a girl in my area. Unfortunately I never give up on things that I want so easy. So in this case I will probably crash sooner or later then.

What nordic country? I went to school in Sweden for a few years. I'm still in contact with my old girlfriend. If you want to try a long distance relationship do it. It's what you want and you seem to understand the consequences. The problem is how to keep her interested. How far away does she live? Could you visit her easily?

Most places in Scandinavia are a short train ride away. I went to a boarding school in the country and every weekend I was always going somewhere. Limit your texting and your phone conversations. The only way to keep her interested is face time. You will have to invest in this girl quite a bit by trying to see her until she comes back to your city. You don't want to come across as desperate. @RangerMIke and @daddymonsterpoodle both have good advice. You have to finesse all of this advice into something that will work for you. You are in a very tough situation.

If you crash you crash. It's not the end of the world. Good luck and I wish you well.