Working with BPD ex that tries to get my attention

[Sh717]

Hello!
My ex broke up with me maybe 2-3 months ago and I went all afc and so on but then I grew a pair and went full nc. Started to spin plates and currently seeing somebody.

I'm not going to repeat what has been written on these forums about bpd and the mental abuse/rape but damnnnn you guys are the best.. it was only after I read some of your stories that I figured out what the fuk I actually went through.
I'm very thankful for that and keep up the nc those of you still healing from the trauma!

So the problem here is ever since I started seeing others my ex started to harass them and intensified her hoovering.
At work she's trying to make me jealous with the afcs which doesn't bother me at all because I know what she's trying to do.
However the problem at hand is she's doing everything in her power to gain my attention. Starts talking extra loud whenever I'm around, stares at me, puts her meal box next to mine, changed her working spot just so I have to see her every minute of my workday (I changed spot to avoid seeing her, she countered by changing hers).

How do I go about this? It's extremely annoying to see this **** day in and day out.. I can't change my spot again. I even thought about quitting my job in the beginning but you guys gave me strength and clarity.

Do I confront her? (Worst idea imo because this will just validate her efforts)
Bite the bullet and hate my life until I'm fully healed?
Wait until she gets bored? These "women" just get more clingy the more unavailable you get..
Start working at McDonald's?

I don't want to bring my personal life into my work life again since I already told my boss we split and that I'm avoiding her just to make sure she doesn't make up any claims that I'm harassing her or like (being pro-active).

 

[El Payaso]

Find another job. She will break you down eventually and you'll be back to square one.

 

[BraddH]

This is weird... Really weird...

Just how much power does this woman have over you? Wasn't the point of this forum to reduce the power of her over you?

I dont see the big deal. If she is harrassing you, get her fired.

If she is breaking the rules, get her fired.

But it seems like she isnt breaking any rules? Otherwise why not get her fired?

If just her presence has such an effect on you, then you need to work on yourself, not on how to get rid of her.

 

[Sh717]

This is weird... Really weird...

Just how much power does this woman have over you? Wasn't the point of this forum to reduce the power of her over you?

I dont see the big deal. If she is harrassing you, get her fired.

If she is breaking the rules, get her fired.

But it seems like she isnt breaking any rules? Otherwise why not get her fired?

If just her presence has such an effect on you, then you need to work on yourself, not on how to get rid of her.

I believe it's my built up resentment and anger over the wasted time I spent fighting and arguing with her.
Daily we would start argue between 8-10am about some really nonsense, insecurity and jealousy on her part.

We basically broke up because her "friends" at the time told her how much of a bad person I was and that I was cheating on her (I still don't know with who to this date haha) and she bought all of it.

Fastforward 1 month and the very same friends are hard kino and flirting with me in front of my ex.. "oh you have so beautiful eyes" "such a charming smile" blabla.. my ex saw this with her very own eyes and we had a long walk home where I followed her to the door (always used to do this in the beginning).
Next day she text me and try to reestablish contact but the damage was already done.

When we broke up she told me the following: you are such a wonderful guy and you will make your next girl the worlds happiest person but it won't work between us.. just imagine hearing those words from a person that you have been with for 2 years, the mind**** it gives you, you feel so powerless.. like ***** I made you the happiest you ever been in your life and you throwing this away because of what some jealous sluts you barely know are trying to convince you?

She's not breaking any rules so I can't do much.
I avoid her as much as I can but I don't think she will give up.
It's just so infuriating at how it ended and her attempts to gain my attention now, for what? So she can blow me off again?

While we were together this girls only worry in life was what she was going to wear for the weekend. The good life in other words, so now that I have been NC and moved on I belive her ego is bruised and she wants to hurt me as much as possible?

There are much more to this but nobody wants to read a 3 page essay about someone else's problem
Thanks for the replies

 

[Speculator E]

I don't want to bring my personal life into my work life again since I already told my boss we split and that I'm avoiding her just to make sure she doesn't make up any claims that I'm harassing her or like (being pro-active).

Find another job if you can. Even if you stayed at this job, is the stress of your ex being there and you having to be cautious around her worth keeping the job?

Be glad right now your ex is being nice. Eventually she may flipped once she realize that you won't be getting back together with her and start trying to ruin your life. To a bpd rejection hurts them severely. Once this start, even if you do manage to avoid her she'll start spreading rumors and lies about you to your coworkers. If they are as AFC as you said who do you think they would believe in a he said she said scenario.

I've dated an bpd ex. In the end she was trying to get me fired with false harassment claims as well as smearing my reputation to all of my coworkers. Unfortunately for me, both my management and my coworkers took her side. All of this started because I was ignoring her one day. That is a how much rejection sensitive and destructive bpd are. I would take your situation seriously.

 

[Infern0]

If it's at all possible, get another job.

If your ex is true bpd, being around her is unwise, they are extremely manipulative and she could catch you at a weak moment or something and get back in your good graces, mine has done this to me.

Also she could go the other way and slander your reputation (mine also did this which effectively ended my career, worked out well in the end as I started doing something I enjoyed instead)

But a bpd ex is corrosive to your mental health in any format of contact. Get out if you can.

 

[Sh717]

Be glad right now your ex is being nice. Eventually she may flipped once she realize that you won't be getting back together with her and start trying to ruin your life. To a bpd rejection hurts them severely. Once this start, even if you do manage to avoid her she'll start spreading rumors and lies about you to your coworkers. If they are as AFC as you said who do you think they would believe in a he said she said scenario.

I've dated an bpd ex. In the end she was trying to get me fired with false harassment claims as well as smearing my reputation to all of my coworkers. Unfortunately for me, both my management and my coworkers took her side. All of this started because I was ignoring her one day. That is a how much rejection sensitive and destructive bpd are. I would take your situation seriously.

She is not being nice at all but at the same time the people who work here know me longer and much better than her. I have a good reputation.
Those afcs who picks her side just want to tap and that's normal in any case..
For some reason she was thinking that I wanted to get back together with her even though I told her to not ever message me again. I replied to that by telling her to **** off and ever since she been looking all depressed, reality kicking in?

If it's at all possible, get another job.

If your ex is true bpd, being around her is unwise, they are extremely manipulative and she could catch you at a weak moment or something and get back in your good graces, mine has done this to me.

Also she could go the other way and slander your reputation (mine also did this which effectively ended my career, worked out well in the end as I started doing something I enjoyed instead)

But a bpd ex is corrosive to your mental health in any format of contact. Get out if you can.

She knows if she contacts me I will make fun of her, she broke up with me because of some friends she barely knows so I can imagine she feels really stupid right now.
If she goes out of her way and slanders me I will end her pathetic life and she's aware of it.
The usual blabla bad boyfriend talk is okay but she knows her limits and not to push my buttons.
During these days after I made this thread I've been researching into this whole bpd and today I took a moment to inspect her and realise she's nothing, I feel nothing when I look at her. I think the problem is solved tbh so thanks for taking your time to reply.
They are just like robots, once I realised her patterns I forgave myself for being stupid and the guilt. Was out of my hand, how could I have known she was like this.
So everytime she tries to reach out to me is when the "other guy" is being cold. Lol when you think of it this way it's much easier to grasp. Not somebody's fallback or plan b.

 

[christoff522]

Hello!
My ex broke up with me maybe 2-3 months ago and I went all afc and so on but then I grew a pair and went full nc. Started to spin plates and currently seeing somebody.

Very good, everyone goes AFC at some point.

I'm not going to repeat what has been written on these forums about bpd and the mental abuse/rape but damnnnn you guys are the best.. it was only after I read some of your stories that I figured out what the fuk I actually went through.
I'm very thankful for that and keep up the nc those of you still healing from the trauma!

BPD is one of the most common, and yet damaging conditions we have to deal with. Funny thing, in some countries it's normal. It is just 'brat syndrome'. Basically it stems from too much validation from guys, 0 at home from mummy and daddy, so in the end the guy becomes the surrogate parents, and has to tend to every emotional need, when you can't fulfil that they go crazy, cheat on you, dump you, then a while later suddenly regret it and try get you back, then the cycle continues again.

So the problem here is ever since I started seeing others my ex started to harass them and intensified her hoovering.
At work she's trying to make me jealous with the afcs which doesn't bother me at all because I know what she's trying to do.
However the problem at hand is she's doing everything in her power to gain my attention. Starts talking extra loud whenever I'm around, stares at me, puts her meal box next to mine, changed her working spot just so I have to see her every minute of my workday (I changed spot to avoid seeing her, she countered by changing hers).

I will be honest, start looking for another job, house, far away, change your number, and if needs be take your new woman with you or dump her. Just get a clean break.

How do I go about this? It's extremely annoying to see this **** day in and day out.. I can't change my spot again. I even thought about quitting my job in the beginning but you guys gave me strength and clarity.

Don't quit, but do job hunt on the side.

Do I confront her? (Worst idea imo because this will just validate her efforts)
Bite the bullet and hate my life until I'm fully healed?
Wait until she gets bored? These "women" just get more clingy the more unavailable you get..
Start working at McDonald's?

Glenn Close, bunny boiler. Mate, in two or three years, even if she gets in another relationship, when that distraction fades she will see you at work and all those old feelings will come back. So long as you two have contact in any way, it will continue.

I don't want to bring my personal life into my work life again since I already told my boss we split and that I'm avoiding her just to make sure she doesn't make up any claims that I'm harassing her or like (being pro-active).

Theres two options, do her for harassment, or leave.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I've been through something similar. Luckily she didn't work with me, but instead was a customer where I worked, she is self-aware enough not to come into my shop, and I have ignored her texts, online messages, phone calls, up until yesterday where I informed her I was in a relationship and will not be contacting her. Hopefully this will give me a while of further NC. But I know she will be back - they always are, but for me its no more than an annoyance. For you sir, you have to gtfo of there, because seeing you, hearing you, it's a lot more powerful than text on a screen.

NEVER DATE SOMEONE WHERE YOU WILL SEE THEM EVERY DAY AND THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO MESS WITH YOU

 

[christoff522]

She is not being nice at all but at the same time the people who work here know me longer and much better than her. I have a good reputation.
Those afcs who picks her side just want to tap and that's normal in any case..
For some reason she was thinking that I wanted to get back together with her even though I told her to not ever message me again. I replied to that by telling her to **** off and ever since she been looking all depressed, reality kicking in?

No, there no reality to a BPD, only fantasy. Everything they experience is filtered, usually by an emotional state of equivalent age to when they were first traumatised and BPD began to develop.

AFCs are manipulated also, I am lucky, having experienced this I can see varying degrees of BPD in people and know when to back off from someone. But most people (including yourself) who have not researched and experienced this themselves are easily manipulated.

What you are typing here is a REACTION to her, she IS making your life difficult, you are in denial. You are also assuming that your importance in her life is greater than it is - that is AFC. You are not dealing with a normal girl, you are dealing with someone who can destroy you with 3 words at any time, all she has to say is "he ...... me" [insert whatever you like ......].

This is not a game, and like others (including myself) have said, get out of that workplace before you:

A) get fired
B) get a lawsuit
C) get arrested

She knows if she contacts me I will make fun of her, she broke up with me because of some friends she barely knows so I can imagine she feels really stupid right now.

You sound like a fagg0t here, not like a man.

If she goes out of her way and slanders me I will end her pathetic life and she's aware of it.

Sound like a fagg0t again

The usual blabla bad boyfriend talk is okay but she knows her limits and not to push my buttons.

No she doesn't she is doing it all the time, you are just in denial because you have no control over your life right now so you wrap it all up in your head as if you have the power but you don't, because you see her every day and if she wants to she can fVck your life up in a millisecond, you made a bad choice and need to own it and not act like a 12 year old and say you'll kill her if she does anything, it's literally the weakest thing you could ever say.

During these days after I made this thread I've been researching into this whole bpd and today I took a moment to inspect her and realise she's nothing, I feel nothing when I look at her. I think the problem is solved tbh so thanks for taking your time to reply.

and in a week or two you will be back complaining and whining "nawwww shes so mean, she went to my boss and said i touched her up, i will kill her, hay guise what do i do? pwease hewp meeeee".

Learn how to be a man, own your problems, and stop threatening to kill girls that you f**ked up with, get yourself a transfer before you end up on a rape charge.

They are just like robots, once I realised her patterns I forgave myself for being stupid and the guilt. Was out of my hand, how could I have known she was like this.

Because you are an AFC fagg0t. AFCs always pull BPDs. because you are a people pleaser with emotional instabilities, you have always pulled people will BPD tendencies, eventually you will get a full blown BPD.

So everytime she tries to reach out to me is when the "other guy" is being cold. Lol when you think of it this way it's much easier to grasp. Not somebody's fallback or plan b.

Why are you putting "other guy" in quotes? So you are the main guy? narcissism, and you are showing you still see yourself emotionally embroiled with her.

This is simple really, and I will explain it to you.
You have narcissistic tendencies, but they are unrealised (luckily for you), so you don't have NPD, but your life has caused you to develop certain coping methods, these are called co-dependent traits. So, you meet with someone who is utterly dependent on other people (a BPD), you two seem to fit like a glove, she says all the right things to you, and you say all the right things to her. But you are both broken people.

She thinks you are perfect, and subconsciously she wants to merge with you, believing you can be one complete person.
However this is only until she sees an imperfection in you, and when she sees it, she will begin to reject you, and hate you, until she paints you black. (you are either black or white).

The "other guy" is her boyfriend, you were the other guy.

The other guy is an actual narcissist, and he has the power, he dgaf about her, and this makes her crave him, because he is just like her dad, the dad who either raped her, neglected her, or abandoned her.
Yes, she will come after you when he has told her to fVck off. But she will always go back to him (or someone of similar character) because you can not and never will be able to make her feel the way that he does.

But, take comfort in knowing that YOU can change, and they never will, they are ciphers, incomplete people. Thank God you never got her pregnant, because you would be in for a horrendous life.

Also take comfort in the fact that if you work at your self-esteem, manliness, and understanding of yourself - you can get a decent woman, and live a happy life. They will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be able to do that.

So, stop the fagg0t stuff of saying you are going to kill her.

Read the DJ Bible, Book of Pook, and books on co-dependency and work on yourself.
Leave that job and work somewhere else, break every means of contact with her, delete facebook, twitter, instagram, and start again.

 

[Hermit]

Hello!
My ex broke up with me maybe 2-3 months ago and I went all afc and so on but then I grew a pair and went full nc. Started to spin plates and currently seeing somebody.

I'm not going to repeat what has been written on these forums about bpd and the mental abuse/rape but damnnnn you guys are the best.. it was only after I read some of your stories that I figured out what the fuk I actually went through.
I'm very thankful for that and keep up the nc those of you still healing from the trauma!

So the problem here is ever since I started seeing others my ex started to harass them and intensified her hoovering.
At work she's trying to make me jealous with the afcs which doesn't bother me at all because I know what she's trying to do.
However the problem at hand is she's doing everything in her power to gain my attention. Starts talking extra loud whenever I'm around, stares at me, puts her meal box next to mine, changed her working spot just so I have to see her every minute of my workday (I changed spot to avoid seeing her, she countered by changing hers).

How do I go about this? It's extremely annoying to see this **** day in and day out.. I can't change my spot again. I even thought about quitting my job in the beginning but you guys gave me strength and clarity.

Do I confront her? (Worst idea imo because this will just validate her efforts)
Bite the bullet and hate my life until I'm fully healed?
Wait until she gets bored? These "women" just get more clingy the more unavailable you get..
Start working at McDonald's?

I don't want to bring my personal life into my work life again since I already told my boss we split and that I'm avoiding her just to make sure she doesn't make up any claims that I'm harassing her or like (being pro-active).

I must admit your situation sounds just like mine last year,its been well over a year now since we broke up and we both still work at the same place. The games and the head ***** they play do still happen from time to time but they are very rare, they make me laugh now to be honest because you see them coming! I think they get it in their head that if they do it out of the blue one day they might try and catch you off guard! but who says what goes on in the mind of a crazy person??? but they do get board and move on to some other victim just because i haven't reacted to it in a very long time, You need to get your **** together like i had to!

Best thing to do is try and ignore it, confronting her lets her know it bothers you which will make it worse trust me i have been there!

I really thought about finding a new job, but then i thought why the **** should I! I have been there over 10 years she has been there 6 or 7!

Just a heads up.... work parties are the worst, when you both have been drinking and forget what type of person you are dealing with! that's how me and my ex got talking again a few months ago after long NC, yeah i messed up there!

You need to keep reminding yourself like i have to that it will never work you tired it, never again!!! She will never change!!!! Even when drunk lol

BTW if work did know you was together and if you keep all the emails/texts, it's very hard for her to make claims of harassment.

 

[Sh717]

I must admit your situation sounds just like mine last year,its been well over a year now since we broke up and we both still work at the same place. The games and the head ***** they play do still happen from time to time but they are very rare, they make me laugh now to be honest because you see them coming! I think they get it in their head that if they do it out of the blue one day they might try and catch you off guard! but who says what goes on in the mind of a crazy person??? but they do get board and move on to some other victim just because i haven't reacted to it in a very long time, You need to get your **** together like i had to!

Best thing to do is try and ignore it, confronting her lets her know it bothers you which will make it worse trust me i have been there!

I really thought about finding a new job, but then i thought why the **** should I! I have been there over 10 years she has been there 6 or 7!

Just a heads up.... work parties are the worst, when you both have been drinking and forget what type of person you are dealing with! that's how me and my ex got talking again a few months ago after long NC, yeah i messed up there!

You need to keep reminding yourself like i have to that it will never work you tired it, never again!!! She will never change!!!! Even when drunk lol

BTW if work did know you was together and if you keep all the emails/texts, it's very hard for her to make claims of harassment.

Yes I have emails, texts and even a recording of her going crazy on me because I feared nobody would believe me.

That's what I understood from everything I read into, even if we were to get together it would be the same **** down the road. Just not worth it at all.
I understand what you mean by the games they play and it's a bit entertaining to spectate now that I see the patterns lol.
Thanks for reply.

No, there no reality to a BPD, only fantasy. Everything they experience is filtered, usually by an emotional state of equivalent age to when they were first traumatised and BPD began to develop.

AFCs are manipulated also, I am lucky, having experienced this I can see varying degrees of BPD in people and know when to back off from someone. But most people (including yourself) who have not researched and experienced this themselves are easily manipulated.

What you are typing here is a REACTION to her, she IS making your life difficult, you are in denial. You are also assuming that your importance in her life is greater than it is - that is AFC. You are not dealing with a normal girl, you are dealing with someone who can destroy you with 3 words at any time, all she has to say is "he ...... me" [insert whatever you like ......].

This is not a game, and like others (including myself) have said, get out of that workplace before you:

A) get fired
B) get a lawsuit
C) get arrested



You sound like a fagg0t here, not like a man.


Sound like a fagg0t again


No she doesn't she is doing it all the time, you are just in denial because you have no control over your life right now so you wrap it all up in your head as if you have the power but you don't, because you see her every day and if she wants to she can fVck your life up in a millisecond, you made a bad choice and need to own it and not act like a 12 year old and say you'll kill her if she does anything, it's literally the weakest thing you could ever say.



and in a week or two you will be back complaining and whining "nawwww shes so mean, she went to my boss and said i touched her up, i will kill her, hay guise what do i do? pwease hewp meeeee".

Learn how to be a man, own your problems, and stop threatening to kill girls that you f**ked up with, get yourself a transfer before you end up on a rape charge.


Because you are an AFC fagg0t. AFCs always pull BPDs. because you are a people pleaser with emotional instabilities, you have always pulled people will BPD tendencies, eventually you will get a full blown BPD.


Why are you putting "other guy" in quotes? So you are the main guy? narcissism, and you are showing you still see yourself emotionally embroiled with her.

This is simple really, and I will explain it to you.
You have narcissistic tendencies, but they are unrealised (luckily for you), so you don't have NPD, but your life has caused you to develop certain coping methods, these are called co-dependent traits. So, you meet with someone who is utterly dependent on other people (a BPD), you two seem to fit like a glove, she says all the right things to you, and you say all the right things to her. But you are both broken people.

She thinks you are perfect, and subconsciously she wants to merge with you, believing you can be one complete person.
However this is only until she sees an imperfection in you, and when she sees it, she will begin to reject you, and hate you, until she paints you black. (you are either black or white).

The "other guy" is her boyfriend, you were the other guy.

The other guy is an actual narcissist, and he has the power, he dgaf about her, and this makes her crave him, because he is just like her dad, the dad who either raped her, neglected her, or abandoned her.
Yes, she will come after you when he has told her to fVck off. But she will always go back to him (or someone of similar character) because you can not and never will be able to make her feel the way that he does.

But, take comfort in knowing that YOU can change, and they never will, they are ciphers, incomplete people. Thank God you never got her pregnant, because you would be in for a horrendous life.

Also take comfort in the fact that if you work at your self-esteem, manliness, and understanding of yourself - you can get a decent woman, and live a happy life. They will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be able to do that.

So, stop the fagg0t stuff of saying you are going to kill her.

Read the DJ Bible, Book of Pook, and books on co-dependency and work on yourself.
Leave that job and work somewhere else, break every means of contact with her, delete facebook, twitter, instagram, and start again.

Ehmmm are you serious haha nowhere in here did I say I would kill her, are you stupid?
What she has done to me over the time we spent together (2 years) is all recorded and if I opened my mouth about it nobody would go anywhere near the crazy girl. That's what I'm talking about when I say, 'ending her life.'
I haven't said anything and people already took my side knowing what a stupid mistake she did breaking up.
Claiming rape? How? We had sex 2 times a month sometimes (yes I know..), she's not that smart and I left OUR home giving everything to her just to get rid off the headache.

The part about 'other guy', of course she probably branched and the other guy got tired of her, this is how I understand this, so now she is coming back to me or something along that way? Maybe just narcissistic thoughts.
This is the interesting part of it. During our relationship when I was cold towards her, she would chase hard, when I was more afc she would distance herself. Basically the one I am now is the cold one, sociopathic sort of.
During our relationship there could not have been another guy, well maybe an emotional tampon because it would be physically impossible because she was always with me and my friends (her being clingy as ****). You are right about the part where it felt like being her parent.
I remember many times I would have to talk to her and explain why you don't do certain things or act in a certain way.
I even recall coming home from the gym one day and as soon as I opened the door she would accuse me of cheating on her because I was gone 30 mins longer. To be frank that day I cried out of frustration because I could NOT do anything to solve this ongoing problem. Thisis also my achilles, I hate hate hate not being able to solve problems haha.

I have some narcissistic tendencies but that could be a part of seeing the society for what it is? So many afcs and the things they do, when you swallow the red pill and see the world for the cluster **** it is.. I feel- it's empowering. I do know my own value, I don't put ***** on a piedestal neither do I chase. I don't think I'm the best but I know I can deliver. Not trying to sound like a phagg0t which is hard to do over a keyboard and a screen but confidence shouldn't be mistaken with narcissism. The dj bible is good stuff.

Neither of us are any special snowflakes neither is our situation any special, it's a textbook example and honestly when I first wrote this thread I wasn't quite sure what to do but thanks to the input from some people it has been an awakening, going to find a new job and keep it ultra silent with who I'm seeing and so on.
Thank you all for the input and letting me vent.