I want to break up. I'm married.

[wanderlust]

Hey everyone. New account but long time user here, I was on extensively from 2010 to about mid-2013.

The advice here is really good. It ended up getting me a girlfriend. Actually, it ended up getting me a wife. But I'm over it now and I need advice on how to go about it. So bear with me and prepare for a wall of text. TL;DR at the end for those who can't.

This is my first real relationship. I had been on a few dates before without anything materializing.

I met her almost exactly 3 years ago. She is from Iran, and she was on a student visa living with her uncle. She was in one of my classes in college. I approached her and we went on a few dates. Things began pretty typically with a kiss on the first date, make out on the second, and sex on the third. We then were in your usual boyfriend girlfriend relationship. But things started moving pretty quickly. She was over every other night, then that turned into almost every night. She fully moved in with me around January 2014. I should add that I live with my mom still as well.

I started getting pressure from her to get married to her in order for her to get a green card. She'd say how her student visa was due to run out at the end of the year. Her parents are in Iran. I'd hear her phone calls with her mom where they were speaking persian to each other, she'd start yelling, and then she'd be crying at the end. I'd ask her "what's the matter?" and she'd tell me how her mom told her she should just come back if she's not gonna be able to find a way to stay in the USA and that the whole thing is just a waste of time and money.

So, with the pressure being put on me to help get her a green card, her being my first, my own confused moral/religious justifications for staying with her, and not wanting to have the relationship end due to the government getting in the way, in July 2014 (6 months after she moved in with me, 10 months after we had met) we got married in a civil ceremony with no one but my mom attendance. In the middle of 2015 we met with immigration to start the green card process and she now has her temporary 2 year green card. We have another appointment in the middle of 2017 for her permanent residence green card.

I just don't think I love her anymore. I think I did at one point but it went away. I don't find her very attractive. She's not bad looking but there's a lot of gorgeous girls out there and I'm young. She has a really bad temper where a few times I've wondered if she's BPD. She used to hit me when she'd get angry and it took me a long time to really get her not to do that. And, perhaps most importantly, the sex isn't great. I've tried things to improve it like different positions and foreplay and such or often she's not in the mood. She's also taking antidepressants to treat panic disorder, and it has a side effect of decreasing her libido so she's often not in the mood. I can't tell if it's the side effect or me causing her to not be in the mood. Another big thing is I want to have kids down the line and she says she never wants to.

There was a time around the beginning of the year where I was really at a low point and I had breaking up with her on the mind. I wasn't trying to - yet I was sort of starting to do it, although I wasn't fully committed to it. I told her you're smart, pretty, but that I'm not happy and if I'm not happy, I can't make her happy. She saw where I was going it, yelled "you're breaking up with me?" and started crying at the top of her lungs and screaming. She ran off into another room and I thought she was seriously going to hurt herself. My emotions were running on high too and I told her I loved her and that I wasn't trying to break up with her, so I basically chickened out there.

So that said I want to break up with her and start dating other girls. I just need to figure out how to go about it. I think she still loves me and as I said before, I don't think I can return that love anymore even though I care about her. I want to be able to make breaking up as painless as possible for both of us, and I want to be really careful about it considering I saw how she reacted before.

I'm in California where the divorce laws are pretty terrible for the man. I just work at a grocery store and don't make that much money, and we don't have any shared assets. She lives with me and mom and is not on a lease or anything. She has her own car which when she bought earlier this year. I refused to cosign on with it so she had to cosign it with her uncle.

The other thing is that I don't really want to be responsible for her being deported so I've thought before, if I do break up with her, to keep the marriage legal on paper and go to the immigration appointment with her and pretend to be happily married just so she can get her permanent residence card. I don't know if that's the smartest thing to do though.

I'm sorry if my post is a bit rambling, it's difficult for me to get my thoughts out in writing. Advice appreciated. Do I need to consult an attorney?

TL;DR: Thought I was in love, got married even though I didn't want to so she could stay in the country, fell out of love and feel stuck in a marriage where I don't love her, but she still loves me. Now I need to figure out the best way about ending this relationship.

Thanks for reading.

 

[BraddH]

Ill try to help as much as I can: be straightforward and tell her this is the case. Whatever happens aftet that is all life.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Tell the court that she was using you for a green card and has since self-radicalized and that you want a divorce. Maybe you'll catch a break.

 

[wanderlust]

I suppose I didn't really emphasize it enough but she's actually a good person. But I think she's really hot headed and not the most super compatible person for me. I just turned 24 a few months ago and I've got quite the wanderlust. I've had a few one night stands this year she hasn't known about. I feel like I'm too young to be married, especially when we don't see eye-to-eye on some things that I feel are important for the long term like kids or politics.

My goal isn't to ruin her life but to find a way to get out of the relationship in the most healthy way possible. I appreciate the replies guys.

 

[BraddH]

I suppose I didn't really emphasize it enough but she's actually a good person. But I think she's really hot headed and not the most super compatible person for me. I just turned 24 a few months ago and I've got quite the wanderlust. I've had a few one night stands this year she hasn't known about. I feel like I'm too young to be married, especially when we don't see eye-to-eye on some things that I feel are important for the long term like kids or politics.

My goal isn't to ruin her life but to find a way to get out of the relationship in the most healthy way possible. I appreciate the replies guys.

You are being way too nice and unrealistic.

 

[wifehunter]

Actual love is not a feeling... It's a conscious decision to share another persons burdens.

Attraction (aka eros love), however, is another story all together...

Are you not attracted to her anymore?

 

[marmel75]

You got played for the green card but she couldn't keep up the act

^^^THIS, unfortunately.

And no offense, what dude allows a woman to hit him repeatedly? I have NEVER been hit by a woman and if it ever happened it would have been exactly once because that woman would have had the fear of God put in her and would be too afraid to ever even think of doing it again.

 

[Ratiocinative]

Well first off, you made a commitment and you need to honor it. You may not feel like you love her, but love is not just a feeling, and the feelings will return if you can repair the relationship.

You need to get help from a professional to identify what the underlying issues in your relationship and a plan to fix them. You can't just give up because you don't feel like it anymore.

Of course, she needs to honor her commitment to you too. If you see a counselor and she doesn't show, or she lies, or she refuses to follow the advice and won't even help herself, then it would be appropriate to divorce.

Think about it. Women in your future relationships are going to wonder about your divorce. If you tell them she was a pain in the ass and you stopped loving her and you dumped her, they're going to be very cautious around you. On the other hand, if you can say with a clear conscience that you loved her, and you tried your best to get her the help she needed, but she refused to even try and help herself, then they won't see you as the bad guy.

Also, i don't know anything about divorce law, but I would think that would make the divorce go smoothly. If you can say hey, we went to counselors, and here's the help they referred her to, and I tried to encourage her, but she just refused, then the blame falls on her.

If it means she gets deported, then that's on her. If she can't or wont fulfill her commitment you have every right to divorce. Sure you love her, sure you hate to see bad things happen to her, but if she digs her own grave and jumps in that's not your fault. You will never be able to save a self-destructive person from themselves.

 

[marmel75]

Well first off, you made a commitment and you need to honor it. You may not feel like you love her, but love is not just a feeling, and the feelings will return if you can repair the relationship.

You need to get help from a professional to identify what the underlying issues in your relationship and a plan to fix them. You can't just give up because you don't feel like it anymore.

Of course, she needs to honor her commitment to you too. If you see a counselor and she doesn't show, or she lies, or she refuses to follow the advice and won't even help herself, then it would be appropriate to divorce.

Think about it. Women in your future relationships are going to wonder about your divorce. If you tell them she was a pain in the ass and you stopped loving her and you dumped her, they're going to be very cautious around you. On the other hand, if you can say with a clear conscience that you loved her, and you tried your best to get her the help she needed, but she refused to even try and help herself, then they won't see you as the bad guy.

Also, i don't know anything about divorce law, but I would think that would make the divorce go smoothly. If you can say hey, we went to counselors, and here's the help they referred her to, and I tried to encourage her, but she just refused, then the blame falls on her.

If it means she gets deported, then that's on her. If she can't or wont fulfill her commitment you have every right to divorce. Sure you love her, sure you hate to see bad things happen to her, but if she digs her own grave and jumps in that's not your fault. You will never be able to save a self-destructive person from themselves.

Why the fvck does he "need" to do anything? Clearly she did what was best for her at the time and had ONLY HER interests in mind, she is now legally in the country and got what she wanted. Part of the issue is the OP is coming from a position of weakness in that he was pretty much desperate and took the first woman that let him fvck. So that is on him. He got what he wanted at the time...regular sex, and she got what she wanted at the time, a green card. This obviously wasn't a relationship built for the long haul, he was desperate and she saw "sucker" written all over his forehead. They "used" each other. OP probably was afraid his pvssy would disappear if he didn't marry her and now realizes his mistake and doesn't want this anymore.

There was nothing "honorable" here in reality when you look at it. Two people who basically used each other to get what they needed at the time. OP you should have known that it was going to end up like this.

Just goes to show you how dangerous desperation and lack of options really are...

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

^^^THIS, unfortunately.

And no offense, what dude allows a woman to hit him repeatedly? I have NEVER been hit by a woman and if it ever happened it would have been exactly once because that woman would have had the fear of God put in her and would be too afraid to ever even think of doing it again.

What if it's playful hitting? Like that "oh stawp it you" thing? I've wondered what your guys' takes are on this.

 

[logicallefty]

You are being way too nice and unrealistic.

^^ This, unfortunately...

OP, the thing is is that it's fairy common for us as men to want to get through a divorce peacefully and amicably, and to "not want to ruin her life", etc. But at this point you have GOT to let your logical brain take over and tell your emotional brain, though good with intention, to STFU and let your logical brain run this show. Period! Otherwise, if you try to be "too amicable" she is going to ruin you... Divorce brings out personalities in a woman that only will come out in a divorce. You have got to protect yourself! Ok let's say for the sake of argument that she is good nice woman on the surface, and she very well could be a nice woman when she isn't beating the crap out of you. (again, I said 'sake of argument'). But when she starts talking to lawyers, other femicvnt women, and beta and white knight men who may want to eat the leftovers that you left at the Y, a true monster may be revealed that completely guts you in court if you are not ready. You must think of yourself first and your interests first.. If she gets deported, too bad so sad.. She can go find a man in her home country to beat up.. Oh wait they don't tolerate that there, women only beat men in the West and live to tell about it. Nevermind. Good luck Sir.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You're only hope is to lay it out, and let her choose.

"I think getting married was a mistake. I want to date other people and I don't want to live with you any more. I'm willing to keep the marriage legal, while you find another place to live, or we can get divorced. Which would you prefer?"

And no matter WHAT she says, keep coming back with this:

"I understand that. And I want to date other women and not live with you. Do you want to live separately, and keep the marriage legal, or would you rather get divorced?"

It will be painful, but if you stick to your guns it won't take longer than an hour.

Think of it like you would a root canal or something. Needs to be done, so hurry the hell up and get it over with.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3bn9s6/fr_my_story_she_is_not_who_you_think_she_is_15/

Read this OP. This just shows you how women work. A bit long but is something that you will never forget.

 

[Tenacity]

I just turned 24 a few months ago and I've got quite the wanderlust.

Which means it made absolutely no sense as to why you signed a marriage contract. You got married in your very early 20's to a chick who Stevie Wonder could see just wanted to use you for citizenship.

Do you have a lot of assets? Did you sign a prenup (if you mentioned that, I apologize I didn't catch it)?

Cut your losses, divorce her, and get out of the relationship. Think longggg and hardddd on if you ever want to get married again. REMEMBER, we are living in a new day and age.

- You do not have to get married to have loving/fulfilling relationships.

- You can have all of that with a woman without signing a marriage contract.

- A woman who LEGITIMATELY loves you will not care whether you sign a contract or not.

- A woman who just wants to "check off the box on a checklist" will pressure you into signing the marriage contract just so she can put her Wedding Pics on Facebook for likes.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I did the same thing as the OP, married a girl when I was 21 so she could get a green card. Although back then, there was just one interview. Once she got the card, it was permanent, even though we divorced a few years later. She still lives in Florida. She converted to Islam to marry a guy from North Africa. She and I still talk. The last time I took a girlfriend to Florida, we all hung out together. I always thought the idea that you're supposed to hate your ex-wife is really stupid.

I'm going to go against the other advice here and tell you to honor the commitment you made - not the one to be her husband, the one to help her get a green card. Unless you're in a big hurry to marry someone else, it's not going to make much of a difference to you to stay married on paper. Tell her up front how you feel. She may actually prefer to get divorced rather than pretend. She has enough time to find someone else to marry before the green card expires.

 

[marmel75]

What if it's playful hitting? Like that "oh stawp it you" thing? I've wondered what your guys' takes are on this.

That's different...by OPs context that definitely wasn't playful

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

That's different...by OPs context that definitely wasn't playful

Ok I was just wondering on what people thought about it. I met a few people who would not stand for even playful hitting so that's why.

 

[wanderlust]

Nope, don't have any assets at all really. Didn't sign a prenup.

I did the same thing as the OP, married a girl when I was 21 so she could get a green card. Although back then, there was just one interview. Once she got the card, it was permanent, even though we divorced a few years later. She still lives in Florida. She converted to Islam to marry a guy from North Africa. She and I still talk. The last time I took a girlfriend to Florida, we all hung out together. I always thought the idea that you're supposed to hate your ex-wife is really stupid.

I'm going to go against the other advice here and tell you to honor the commitment you made - not the one to be her husband, the one to help her get a green card. Unless you're in a big hurry to marry someone else, it's not going to make much of a difference to you to stay married on paper. Tell her up front how you feel. She may actually prefer to get divorced rather than pretend. She has enough time to find someone else to marry before the green card expires.

This is probably the closest to how I feel, BUT one thing I'm concerned about is potential future liability. This is what I read on divorcenet:

I sponsored my spouse’s immigration application and we're divorcing?
If you sponsor your spouse’s immigration application and the marriage is ending, you should withdraw your sponsorship promptly because through sponsorship you have assumed the responsibilities of supporting your spouse and his and her dependents. When a person signs an affidavit of support, he or she accepts legal responsibility for financially supporting the sponsored immigrant(s) until he or she becomes U.S. citizens. However, divorce does not necessarily terminate your financial responsibilities toward your immigrant spouse before he or she becomes a U.S. citizen unless he or she leaves the United States. A spouse-sponsor should withdraw any Petition for Alien Relatives and the Affidavit of Support as soon as possible if divorce proceedings are imminent.

And the other thing is if we get caught lying during the second interview.

The maximum penalty for marriage fraud is 5 years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Marriage fraud used to be more common, but the U.S. government has taken a much greater interest in marriage fraud in recent years. That means, years ago you might have been able to get away with it, but now you have to truly prove you are in love with your spouse.

I'm planning on breaking up with her over the weekend, by basically doing what you said. But those two things in quotes are sort of hanging over my head. Thoughts? Do I need to consult an attorney? Or should I just tell her what taiyuu_otoko and Bible_Belt suggested basically and worry about the consequences later?

 

[Von]

Omg OP, that sounds like my persian ex lol and all other persians gf experience my surrounding had.... Minus the ''green card'', our didn't do it for citizenship (cause they got it through their parents, or business, or school)....

DIVORCE HER. AND NEVER ALLOW TO BE PHYSICALLY HURT AGAIN... Learn to respect yourself

Persians and Arabs are crazy hot tempered

But I go with Bible Belt... HONOR YOUR COMMITMENT, USE IT TO GET A DIVORCE.... They are traders, power-struggle.... She give you a divorce, you get her a GREENCARD. She'll be piss but will accept it trust me.... and don't go back on your words and say it like a man.

Also, get a better job, move out of your mom place, be independant

 

[Bible_Belt]

I really doubt she is going to want to go through all the necessary steps to fool immigration. Don't go down that road unless you are both fully committed to the ruse.