Got dumped for another guy because I acted beta...how can I win her back?

[ChristopherColumbus]

I have never heard of EVEN ONE CASE of the "please don't leave me" letter working.

Not one.

Well, you certainly wouldn't phrase it like that. It would be more like magnanimously letting her go... but communicating honestly how you thought and felt about the time you'd had together. There is just a chance it might per-suade her to think again. What do you have to lose if she means a lot to you?

 

[DreamAgain]

Why do we even care if the family is good? Because it tends to produce a higher character individual that doesn't use men. In this case it clearly did not.

She treated you well to your face(until she got "bored") but was never invested and constantly trying to replace you behind your back. It's hard to reconcile this behavior, I know, because it has far deeper implications for your life down the line than just one woman.

You'll need time to heal to get over it but you will get there.

Thanks for the advice man, I know you're right but it's just hard to accept right now.

My only doubt is how I should have handled these orbiters...laughing them off was working, but it's easy for one to slip into a girl's mind, especially if there are a lot, and some of these guys I admit were high quality...

And why did she keep them? Well, I guess it's just insurance for her right? She had to put in no effort to them and they were just coming to her. I didn't complain about them, because as far as I knew, nothing was happening. She was still initiating with me, we were intimate, everything seemed to be fine, except for the occasional lul here and there which I thought was normal.

 

[RangerMIke]

The attitude you have to have is "Suit yourself." and walk away from her, completely.... never look back. I know it's tough, but after you're done this a couple of times you do a better job of controlling your emotions.

Go date other women, you are not going to feel like doing this but you have to start getting numbers and making dates. Get yourself busy and stay busy, when you find yourself thinking about her... stop.

If she reaches out to you try to make a date, but do not count on it. Your attitude should be you are done with her, completely.

 

[DreamAgain]

I know, the urge right now to contact is strong...need to fight it, I'll look through the no contact thread for inspiration.

 

[Poon King]

Sorry, but this is f*cking pathetic. You sound desperate.

If I think its pathetic.. I know for a fact she thinks the same thing. Once you show weakness and neediness its GAME OVER. The more attractive the woman.. the more true this is. Once a woman's sexual attraction to you drops it never comes back. Trying to reverse the situation only makes it worse. Why should this woman still be interested in you at this point? You are no longer a challenge and you are behaving like you can't do any better than her. Do you think you look like a "prize" to her now?

You also need to ask yourself why this dumb b!tch is even worth "winning back". Relationships with good compatibility don't have these issues. Just accept that you are not compatible with her and move on. You should never care more about the relationship than the woman does. NEVER.

MEN: When you pedestalize a woman.. ANY woman.. YOU LOSE. You always lose. Every single time. Placing someone on a pedestal only benefits that person. It does NOT benefit you. Stop being f*cking idiots.

 

[Juanto]

SImilar situation to this one here , except I caught it earlier on. Read it DreamAgain, and see what I did, best decision I could have made.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/girlfriend-texts.235773/

 

[searching solace]

I know, the urge right now to contact is strong...need to fight it, I'll look through the no contact thread for inspiration.

Keep going dude. I've been exactly where you are and still am to an extent, even down to beating myself up about not appreciating her enough. Do you really want to be her back-up option? Because if she comes back (and she likely will in some form if you stay no contact), it will only be because something hasn't worked out with one of her other options, or she's lonely, or she feels bad, or bla bla bla, so she'll come back to old reliable you.

And yes, you are pedestalizing her. During the time you were together, did she not lie? Did she not manipulate? Was she not in contact with other guys? Did you not constantly argue or fall out? Is it not her who is causing you this anxiety/depression you feel now?

I know it's easier advice to give than to take, but all these people showing you the reality of it can't be wrong. Cut contact and don't give in to the urges to check up on her. It will only draw out this painful process. Trust me.

 

[DreamAgain]

@Juanto, you have great willpower dude, you're resolve to stay NC is what I will try to do.

@searching solace, I am pedestalizing her I know. Apparently she did lie and manipulate and was in contact with other dudes. Why would I tolerate this, I don't know, perhaps I'm somehow attributing the blame on me. 9 times out of 10 this is an insta-dump if a girl does these things, and it has been in the past.

But I subconsciously invested in her because of all these other good qualities she had. It's a good mantra, and healthy I would add, to do as people say here. Just find another. And it looks like I'll have to do just that. But I'll put it this way, to you, Juanto, Poon King, or anyone. Are you guys not considered a "catch"? You have done things to improve yourselves such that you are above the competition in the dating market, and so now you are in demand and have options, which is all great.

Well, this is one of those girls who is also very in demand, for the reasons I posted earlier. So I know it'll be hard to find another with those qualities, but there's nothing I can do but get back into the game and keep looking. And so just as a girl would feel like she let something good slip away if she got dumped by one of you guys, well now the coin is flipped to the other side against me in this situation.

 

[marmel75]

@Juanto, you have great willpower dude, you're resolve to stay NC is what I will try to do.

@searching solace

Well, this is one of those girls who is also very in demand, for the reasons I posted earlier. So I know it'll be hard to find another with those qualities, but there's nothing I can do but get back into the game and keep looking. And so just as a girl would feel like she let something good slip away if she got dumped by one of you guys, well now the coin is flipped to the other side against me in this situation.

And there you go pedastalizing her again. Once again, anytime you believe a woman is better than you are or can do better than you, you've already lost and the end is inevitable.
You need to really work on your mindset or this is just going to happen again with the next woman.

A woman cheats on you and has been going behind your back talking to a bunch of dudes, who knows how many of them she banged, and you STILL pedastalize her?

Are you fvcking serious bro?

Get your mind right. One of the most pathetic posts I've read on here in a long time. and that's saying a lot.

 

[Speculator E]

@Juanto, you have great willpower dude, you're resolve to stay NC is what I will try to do.

@searching solace, I am pedestalizing her I know. Apparently she did lie and manipulate and was in contact with other dudes. Why would I tolerate this, I don't know, perhaps I'm somehow attributing the blame on me. 9 times out of 10 this is an insta-dump if a girl does these things, and it has been in the past.

But I subconsciously invested in her because of all these other good qualities she had. It's a good mantra, and healthy I would add, to do as people say here. Just find another. And it looks like I'll have to do just that. But I'll put it this way, to you, Juanto, Poon King, or anyone. Are you guys not considered a "catch"? You have done things to improve yourselves such that you are above the competition in the dating market, and so now you are in demand and have options, which is all great.

Well, this is one of those girls who is also very in demand, for the reasons I posted earlier. So I know it'll be hard to find another with those qualities, but there's nothing I can do but get back into the game and keep looking. And so just as a girl would feel like she let something good slip away if she got dumped by one of you guys, well now the coin is flipped to the other side against me in this situation.

You're afraid of losing the ONE. I understand. I had a FATE thing going on with my ex. No kidding and even then it still blew up. It should have been a sure thing. She has BPD and ended up moving away out of state. There's no guarantees in life. She may come back who knows. Sometimes you have accept things out of control, cut your losses, and move on. Life isn't fair and happy endings are rare. That's just life.

It's hard lesson in life. There's no guarantees of finding the ONE. You say you won't find another high quality girl like her. I think that's just scarcity mentality.

 

[Trump]

Hi all,

I know this post goes against forum principles. But hear me out first, I've been seeing this girl on and off for 2 years. Much of the problems in the relationship were my fault...I pushed her away when she wanted me to pull, and otherwise just didn't read some situations correctly.

This is a girl that otherwise has everything I'm looking for: good family values, prioritizes education, is not addicted to social media, beautiful...except for one problem. She has a lot of orbiters, due to the fact that she is an in demand good looking woman. I tolerated this, after all what did it matter to me because I was still the priority, and didn't lose frame...but things took a turn for the worse.

I noticed she was less receptive to my texts, when she would normally initiate she stopped doing...when I called her out on it and mentioned that maybe she should talk to some new orbiter entering her solar system instead of talking to me, she got very upset and froze me out since then.

The problem is, instead of holding firm in my action, I caved...my past instances of mistreating her gave me a guilty conscience (again, nothing major, just being more considerate to her, maybe giving her more affection when she was looking for it, etc). It was at this point I realized that I have oneitis and I began to fear I would lose her. I began apologizing, not only for that but for things in the past. I started being annoying for her to see me and to hear me out. She turned me down several times but eventually agreed, and when we met up she was very cold and distant. Needless to say, I reaffirmed again that I loved her, and that I should have let her know more often instead of being aloof.

So, here I am, 4 days into No Contact after I sent her some stupid text messages where she gave me some very terse replies. I would love for her to end No Contact because I feel like my beta supplicating is only working against me, but conversely, I feel that I f*cked up with my aloofness and some orbiter seized the opportunity to jump in when she was feeling emotionally alone.

What is my next move now? Stay firm with No Contact until she messages me? Maybe wait another week and then send out a feeler text? I must admit the fact that she has a lot of orbiters has given me some competition anxiety, so I feel if I do nothing, that will in fact just finish things for good.

Starting with the thread title this seems too specific and thought out to be real.

 

[DreamAgain]

Starting with the thread title this seems too specific and thought out to be real.

Lol no man, I did delve into those AFC depths like you see, it's sad I know. But I'll take the advice of the posters here, this was really my first experience with oneitis out of like 10 girls that I've been with so far, and it's really hitting me hard.

 

[dude99]

The problem is I told her this in person, and she was cold/distant when I did...that's why I think I need to back off for a bit, but again, I'm not sure exactly for how long.

I did express affection to her, but it fluctuated, because I knew I couldn't let her know she "had" me. It was almost like a balancing act I had to try to calculate as time went on, sounds ridiculous I know.

The problem is, when her she began to back off you should have said to her that you are going to see other women. When her behaviour changes she is already thinking of or id already entertaining other guy/guys.

If you put your foot down when she BEGAN to show this behaviour and told her to take a hike then SHE WOULD HAVE FELT THE SENSE OF LOSS AND NOT YOU. She would have immediately changed.

But now its too late. Now she has already closed that door and is ankles up to the new guy. So now instead of being a sense of loss now all you are is a sense of nuisance.

Walk away. This one is over. Are you the chump or the prize? The chump would keep chasing this dead wood. The prize would know thier value and go spin some plates.

 

[dude99]

I basically started telling her how much she meant to me, that I didn't appreciate her enough etc...bad I know, but I felt that was the play I should have done when I noticed her interest was taking a steep fall. However it seems that I should have done the exact opposite in retrospect.

Afterwards I started reminding her about all the good times we shared, little examples that from before she would talk about so enthusiastically with me. Now, when I mentioned them, she just gave me indifference and almost didn't care. I then got a little angry and asked her how she could just throw that all away, and she pretty much just ignored this point.

I don't feel like everything is done because according to the high score theory ideas I've seen on this site, I think I'm pretty high on the list considering the other competition I know of. However, when I was with this girl, I would see her phone blow up from various "friends". Granted, I knew most of them, or so I thought, and knew that I was better than them, and hence she would openly mock them while she was with me. However, there were obviously some I didn't know about, and while she would entertain them as just friends, I should have known eventually that if I slipped up, one of them would come out of the shadows, which is what I think happened.

Like you said though, assuming all is not lost, I think the best idea at this point is to wait for a while before doing anything else.

Girls don't have guy friends. They have orbiters that are hoping to one day be the one.

Also her behaviour is low quality. If they are supposed to be her "friends,"openly mocking people who are supposed to be her friends? Low quality. What was she saying about you behind your back????

 

[Tony197]

Said it before, I'll say it again:

DON'T GET HER BACK, GET YOURSELF BACK!

You're a dog chasing cars - even if you do get her back, you're going to find you don't even want her because she's untrustworthy. Maybe you'll get to bang her in the near future, but until she grows up big time, take for granted that your relationship over for good and be happy for it. Every second you waste on her is a second denied to yourself and the much better woman you'll eventually meet.

You don't miss her. You miss your ego. Her dumping you for one of her orbiters (or branch-swinging) has robbed you of your ego. She will not be the one to rebuild it. You must rebuild it yourself. If you do it right, you will emerge from this better than before. You'll eventually see you got more from her rejection than you ever would have from her love. It sucks ass right now, but you'll be so f**king happy in six months, you will not believe it.

Also, if she is indeed a "Catch" - good for you. You f**ked her for two years, and got out of the situation without losing your house or kids. Because if she's keeping orbiters or playing the field, this could've been a lot worse. Think of the poor chump who will eventually marry her and get his heart, balls and wallet broken. Congrats, he won't be you.

 

[resilient]

Hey, DreamAgain, you should be following your NC discipline like a rock. While you stick to your guns and continue NC, take some time to internalize how you plan not to pedestalize the next plate(s).

• What's your game plan as a man to increase your SMV (sexual market value) that will help you compete against potential orbiters?
  • In other words, what's your plan for success as you approach your mid 20s?
  • What do you have going on for you outside of dating?
  • A better career? Raise/salary/bonus?
  • Traveling the world?
  • Are you pursuing interests that instill the confident and cool lifestyle you want to lead as a man?
  • Are you focused on becoming a stronger leader in various social frames?

Understand that at your ex's age of 23, and according to an older respected senior DJ, Rollo Tomassi's Rational Male book series volume 1 & 2, she's literally at peak sexual market value. She's just starting to enter her party years of peak sexual attraction as a female that will continue into her 30s if she takes care of her attraction. She'll eventually have an an epiphany after all those hookups, and will desire to follow her female imperative to settle down and begin a family. The last thing she would want to do is secure a LTR that she hasn't invested 100% interest level in that sacrifices her ability to secure the best catch. If she was pretty as you said she was, she'll have a swarm of orbiters vying to get into the sack with her and will succeed if they escalate.

If you continue to work on yourself and what you value as a man, your options will open up and you'll stop settling for less. In fact, if you continue to improve, you'll be the one doing the dumping/NEXTing. So don't forget your self-worth. Respect your self and don't put up with indifferent women. Ever.

 

[DreamAgain]

You are right, I am going to stick to NC and see what happens. I'm about to finish my graduate degree and should have a solid high paying job lined up, so I'm on the right track career wise. I don't think this particular guy who swooped in has that...it's more that he was just a "fun, party" that looked good and caught her eye.

I'm pretty sure she's just looking for fun right now, and even though I have traveled across the US, Europe, have held multiple interesting internships during my undergrad, it's not doing me any favors.

I have to note, I am from an Eastern European country where the gender relations are kind of different...the most successful guys with women are very loud, boastful, almost to the point of arrogant. I'm by no means a pushover, I'm tall and somewhat well built, but my demeanor is much more passive than what the typical "alpha" guys are in this part of the world. For instance, many guys here will act and talk with extreme confidence even though their education and job may be considered "low-status".

Nevertheless, I'm going to apply all the advice here and see what happens.

 

[marmel75]

You are right, I am going to stick to NC and see what happens. I'm about to finish my graduate degree and should have a solid high paying job lined up, so I'm on the right track career wise. I don't think this particular guy who swooped in has that...it's more that he was just a "fun, party" that looked good and caught her eye.

I'm pretty sure she's just looking for fun right now, and even though I have traveled across the US, Europe, have held multiple interesting internships during my undergrad, it's not doing me any favors.

I have to note, I am from an Eastern European country where the gender relations are kind of different...the most successful guys with women are very loud, boastful, almost to the point of arrogant. I'm by no means a pushover, I'm tall and somewhat well built, but my demeanor is much more passive than what the typical "alpha" guys are in this part of the world. For instance, many guys here will act and talk with extreme confidence even though their education and job may be considered "low-status".

Nevertheless, I'm going to apply all the advice here and see what happens.

You are in for a big surprise if you think simply having a high paying job is going to suddenly make women jump in your lap. Will they initially show more interest, probably. They will also probably try and use you far more than a normal guy and based on what you have shown, they likely will be pretty successful at it.

Trust me, I've dated a few women who dated doctors and lawyers. They had them taking them out to fancy places and buying them dinner, jewelry, etc...but I was the one banging their back out while they strung these dudes along to get what they wanted without really giving them much of anything...happens all the time, don't be that dude.

 

[Tony197]

You are right, I am going to stick to NC and see what happens. I'm about to finish my graduate degree and should have a solid high paying job lined up, so I'm on the right track career wise. I don't think this particular guy who swooped in has that...it's more that he was just a "fun, party" that looked good and caught her eye.

I'm pretty sure she's just looking for fun right now, and even though I have traveled across the US, Europe, have held multiple interesting internships during my undergrad, it's not doing me any favors.

I have to note, I am from an Eastern European country where the gender relations are kind of different...the most successful guys with women are very loud, boastful, almost to the point of arrogant. I'm by no means a pushover, I'm tall and somewhat well built, but my demeanor is much more passive than what the typical "alpha" guys are in this part of the world. For instance, many guys here will act and talk with extreme confidence even though their education and job may be considered "low-status".

Nevertheless, I'm going to apply all the advice here and see what happens.

Quit beating yourself up. You don't know what you don't know. 90% of guys will make/have made the same mistake, including whomever she dumped you for. Chances are he's a Beta orbiter who's going to pedestalize her, or an Alpha **** who's going to break her heart and teach her a lesson. Be grateful you "suffered" this loss on a woman who was low-quality and wasn't a keeper anyway.

Now that you do know where you f**ked up, don't be like the rest. Heal yourself. Improve yourself. Be better for someone better.