How FORGIVENESS is your friend...

[Reykhel]

This thread may appear a bit "gay" but bear with it and you never know.....

So obviously religions and that promote forgiveness......

Jesus on the cross and all that going "Forgive them Father......"......etc

Now, that never influenced me because when I was growing up I was always one to carry a fvcking grudge and take it to the extreme........I even thought it was "manly" to "not give in" etc

So I'm not sure if it was Brian Tracy or Buddhism who influenced me to incorporate forgiveness into a daily practice.....

But Brian Tracey does has a forgiveness exercise.......of which he makes this statement before "for some people it was like a catharsis"

The exercise is as follows...
1. Forgive your parents
2. Forgive everyone else
3. Forgive yourself

What does it do? It breaks the emotional chains that you've probably had with these people...

How is it relevant to game?
Look at the angry threads at ex girlfriends........forgive the bitxh, release her and move on.......IF YOU DON'T YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY CHAINED TO HER

It frees you from a lot of emotional baggage........ask yourself which state is more appealing......

Forgiveness is setting yourself free from the person

 

[fastlife]

Cosign 100%. Blaming other people or circumstance or yourself only reinforces your lack of agency in the the present moment. There's a million and one things you can't control, and only thing one you can--and that's yourself.

 

[Reykhel]

How is this relevant to your everyday life?

That teacher who just won't give you the grade...
That ex was such a ***** because she dumped you.....
The boss that want's you to work late.....
Your mother never took you to "soccer practice"....
Your father is a blue pill phaggot........

What's the point? I think it was in man's search for meaning where he told a story.......Two former prisoners of a concentration camp met up years later.........one was happy and carefree (like Ghandi when he was freed).......but the other was mad and bitter. The bitter one said to the happier on "I'll never forgive those fvcking bastards", and the other one replied........"then you are still a prisoner my friend"

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

OP,

You are 100% correct.

When I was younger, I would carry a grudge until doomsday. I didn't care how long it took, I was going to get even with whoever I thought had fvcked me over.

But then you realize you are giving power to and wasting your limited time and life essence to that person or situation.

So forgiving is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

-Augustus-

 

[resilient]

Good post, Reykhel. Not "gay" in my mind. Regardless of a DJ's spirituality and faith values; I think forgiveness is key to a DJ's emotional well-being.

Forgiveness was how I was able to move on from my abusive marriage into separation and onto divorce. I had to constantly pray to let go the feelings of rejection and abandonment that was probably compounded to an extent from my childhood from parents who were workaholics and didn't supply much validation. I also owned up to my part in it and looked within to see how I could improve my weaknesses and turn them into strengths next time.

Now with that emotional baggage unloaded I'm free to pursuit fun and interesting hobbies. Meet new people, smile more often and laugh deeper because I've forgiven the ex-wife, parents, and most importantly myself. I feel inner peace in knowing I did everything possible to save my marriage.

I know someday I'll find my ACE (attractive, christian, emotionally stable) LTR when I'm ready.

The thing I do now when a woman asks me about my divorce, I just simply say things didn't work out without getting into specifics and most of all, I convey that it was a learning experience that helped me mature as a man. No bitterness or cynicism comments, we move onto the next conversation.

Also, regardless of dating, people in general are apt to picking up conversational cues of bitterness or cynicism and will distance themselves if they think the person is too negative about others.

One example, happened yesterday when I met this girl at a movie from my social group. She got told in a subtle way by her company that they were looking to replace her and made it very obvious in a job posting circulation in their company the next day after approaching her to basically demote her. I could hear the bitterness in her voice and felt empathy, yet told her that it was good that she found a new gig and won't settle for less. She brought it up an additional 1-2x after that, so I could tell she has her own forgiveness to work through.

 

[Reykhel]

You know, if that guy that cut you off at the roundabout ........"made you angry" and you can't let it
go......(how many of us know these people who tell negative rehash stories....)

.....if you can't let it go......then I have bad news for you: YOU ARE NEVER IN CONTROL OF YOUR FRAME.....

I used to think forgiveness was weak.........but it's nothing but pure strength....

 

[Reykhel]

Good post, Reykhel. Not "gay" in my mind. Regardless of a DJ's spirituality and faith values; I think forgiveness is key to a DJ's emotional well-being.

Forgiveness was how I was able to move on from my abusive marriage into separation and onto divorce. I had to constantly pray to let go the feelings of rejection and abandonment that was probably compounded to an extent from my childhood from parents who were workaholics and didn't supply much validation. I also owned up to my part in it and looked within to see how I could improve my weaknesses and turn them into strengths next time.

Now with that emotional baggage unloaded I'm free to pursuit fun and interesting hobbies. Meet new people, smile more often and laugh deeper because I've forgiven the ex-wife, parents, and most importantly myself. I feel inner peace in knowing I did everything possible to save my marriage.

I know someday I'll find my ACE (attractive, christian, emotionally stable) LTR when I'm ready.

The thing I do now when a woman asks me about my divorce, I just simply say things didn't work out without getting into specifics and most of all, I convey that it was a learning experience that helped me mature as a man. No bitterness or cynicism comments, we move onto the next conversation.

Also, regardless of dating, people in general are apt to picking up conversational cues of bitterness or cynicism and will distance themselves if they think the person is too negative about others.

One example, happened yesterday when I met this girl at a movie from my social group. She got told in a subtle way by her company that they were looking to replace her and made it very obvious in a job posting circulation in their company the next day after approaching her to basically demote her. I could hear the bitterness in her voice and felt empathy, yet told her that it was good that she found a new gig and won't settle for less. She brought it up an additional 1-2x after that, so I could tell she has her own forgiveness to work through.

Thank you. Heartfelt response.

You're right, if you're a DJ and you're holding onto RESENTMENTS (which is what happens when you don't forgive)

How can you have a DJ mentality when you're mind is "tied up emotionally", how can you have aDJ mindset when you are holding onto ****e......

A DJ, in my opinion, is PROACTIVE and has learned to master his emotions............he doesn't hold onto MENTAL CLUTTER,....

Freedom, is a state of mind

 

[Reykhel]

Gentlemen, how many times has it happened to you on this fvcking site.....somebody disagrees with you and because
of that.......you hold a resentment against that person...

Gents, is it not the ego at play?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make myself out to be Ghandi.........I'm fvcking far from being perfect........
but I notice this is giving me benefit.........

 

[SgtSplacker]

Forgive what? If you cross me I will never forget that and be your friend again. Sure it's cool to forgive a respectful family member or something. But some biitch for standing you up? No way!

 

[blind_one]

Forgive what? If you cross me I will never forget that and be your friend again. Sure it's cool to forgive a respectful family member or something. But some biitch for standing you up? No way!

I think we are talking about two things here.

One is letting go and not letting the past chain you and having a negative impact on your present or future interactions with the world. I think it is imperative we internalize this. Holding a grudge does not benefit us in anyway.

Now to answer what SgtSplacker said. Well if b!tch stands me up, its a part of her screening herself out early.
I do not need such people in my life nor will I miss them. If someone wrongs me I won't be a ***** about it but I won't be a pvssy either.

 

[snowfall]

Great post.
Forgiveness is a stretch for me but amputation works.
Why live a life in the negative, always being the victim or punishing those that don't measure up. Move on and grow with every experience.

 

[guru1000]

Forgive what? If you cross me I will never forget that and be your friend again. Sure it's cool to forgive a respectful family member or something. But some biitch for standing you up? No way!

You forgive for YOU, not for them. You forgive to release deleterious emotion, encumbrances, and self-talk--but you don't forget (as not to get wronged twice).

 

[Bible_Belt]

My dad is the most grudge-bearing man I have ever met. He's still mad about things I said as a little kid. When I was 12, he was trying to make me learn to drive a car...on the highway....and I was like "I don't think so, Dad. I'm pretty sure this is illegal." He's still mad about that. Hell, he's still mad at people who are dead. How can you be mad at a dead guy?

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

We forgive people when we realize they don't know what they are doing. If they did, they wouldn't do it. No-one has perfect understanding, too often the negative emotions get the better of us. We only have to look honestly at ourselves to become acquainted with imperfection. It's the knowing you don't know that is liberating. A life of becoming, an aspiration towards perfection, is the most becoming.

 

[Silko]

With what words do you forgive an abusive ex?

I mean, I'm completely over it (yes, I was longtime very angry. How could she.), I feel sorry for her because I understand she is still struggling with herself.

Last time we got contact was 2y ago when she tried again in an unrespectful way to contact me. I turned her then heavily down and finally she stopt contact.

Or I keep the forgiveness in my head?
(by coincidence, I asked this week a common friend how she goes actually, cause I really hope she goes well, after all)

 

[Silko]

Btw, forgiveness is probably a good trait to screen for but not sure it really is out there with women.

Think it is more a matter of mature attitude. Sure, things can not work out. No offence. But often afterwards you end up with mind games, mostly from women side (well, my experience) as they break-up. I understand things can get emotional at this point, but I have no clue why a power game (= ego boost) is started. This says also a lot about the person (you don't know her actually).

From the 4 LTR I got till now, i broke up twice and I always did in soft way and respectful. With 1 of 2 I'm still best friend (actually works better than the LTR) and the other one just faded away, but also no harmful feelings on both sides.

This is completely the opposite with the 2 women that break-up with me.
The abusive one ... woow what was that afterwards. Lasted 4 years to get rid of her.
The last one now ... woow what was that last 2 months ... words and actions completely the opposite.

 

[Silko]

But for the most part, my Mantra is, when I feel like someone disrespects or wrongs me, I'll usually reciprocate the act or behavior, sometimes to an even worse degree than which it was handed to me.

There's no doubt in my mind that if somebody harmed or killed one of my family members, I would hunt the killer or his family and exact revenge tenfold--no problem. I am fully capable of it.

Demands a lot of accountability to manage all your revenges. Also. You play the game. of the other one

 

[Desdinova]

The exercise is as follows...
1. Forgive your parents
2. Forgive everyone else
3. Forgive yourself

Sure, no problem. I'm going to forgive my ex-wife for fvcking around on me and possibly fix my ended marriage.

Forgiveness has it's place. When it's stupid small things, then yes, forgive the person. When it's stuff that's a bit more damaging, keep it in the back of your mind and don't forgive. When it's stuff that has had a major negative impact on your life, forgiveness is out of the question unless the person admits to the wrongdoing.

You can't go through life forgiving everybody or you're going to turn into a doormat. Forgive the little stuff and terminate relationships for the big stuff.

 

[Reykhel]

Sure, no problem. I'm going to forgive my ex-wife for fvcking around on me and possibly fix my ended marriage.

Forgiveness has it's place. When it's stupid small things, then yes, forgive the person. When it's stuff that's a bit more damaging, keep it in the back of your mind and don't forgive. When it's stuff that has had a major negative impact on your life, forgiveness is out of the question unless the person admits to the wrongdoing.

You can't go through life forgiving everybody or you're going to turn into a doormat. Forgive the little stuff and terminate relationships for the big stuff.

You've misunderstood.

I'm not talking about forgiving your cheating ex with the motivation/intention of hoping for a possible reconciliation and fixing your
broken marriage which you've alluded to (smiley face and all). If that's how you've interpreted what I've said, it's clearly gone over your head. But that's ok, we all interpret the world through our own personal paradigms and perceptions.

Forgiving is not about condoning someone's behavior. Neither is it really anything to do with the other person (meaning you don't even have to see nor speak to the other person again) Forgiveness is not necessarily walking up to the person and saying I forgive you dear (which probably would make you a doormat) Forgiveness is all about you, and freeing yourself from the emotional chains of that other person.

You can still be very assertive in your dealings with people, rid them from your life if need be, then in the quiet of your own home you can mentally forgive them, which will simply allow you to LET GO of any emotional attachments and free up a lot of energy and freedom. If you see that as being a doormat.....well I guess we just have different ways of looking at the world.

 

[guru1000]

I have a great, long memory. Forgiveness is generally hard to come by from me.

Women and forgiveness?? Not an issue for me, as I can nonchalantly brush off their flakings, rejections, self entitlements, etc.

But for the most part, my Mantra is, when I feel like someone disrespects or wrongs me, I'll usually reciprocate the act or behavior, sometimes to an even worse degree than which it was handed to me.

There's no doubt in my mind that if somebody harmed or killed one of my family members, I would hunt the killer or his family and exact revenge tenfold--no problem. I am fully capable of it.

Exacting revenge has its place. I do it quite often, but it comes more from a place of demonstration to protect future interests, rather than victimhood.

For example, I had a client whose business was tax audited by the state for four years straight (before my involvement), and every year, sure enough, the state would just happen to pick him and audit all his receipts. Subsequent, I bought into this company. In my second year, when the state began their audit, I filed a lawsuit seeking injunctive and punitive relief at the Supreme Court for discrimination, using the case law of two similar discriminatory suits. I lost the suit (without being held responsible for the State's legal fees), but the State hasn't audited the company since. I actually do this quite often as a preemptive measure against regulatory bodies (as well as competitors) who seemly abuse their power.

Exacting revenge sometimes is necessary to teach the perpetrator and others. But then, when the smoke clears, you need to let it go and move on. I internalize this with the following self-talk: "He/she/they did what they had to do. Understood. I did what I had to. Done."