G/f trouble

[ubercat]

And a big thank you to so suave. I never totally lost my balls with any woman a bit too naturally ornery for that. However even a few years ago I would have developed a big oneitis for any halfway decent girl and made her my focus instead of my entertainment. This isn't about oneitis I'm just trying to lock in better LTR habits.

 

[ubercat]

Well, that is a "bad" on your part. If my GF was "catching up with an ex, I would be pissed too. Notacceptable.

So u never have the option of keeping Xes as friends? This ex is Romanian full of drama and has a kid. However she is also fun, well educated and can converse about a variety of topics which is bloody rare. We ve been platonic for years now. No attempts to rekindle on either side. Isn't it beta to let my g/f choose which friends r acceptable? I mean I ve had this friendship for years and the g/f for six months.

And unfortunately the only 2 female friends I ve got in Melbourne r Xes.

Not arguing with Mauser. I very much appreciate his advice. Just trying to work out some SOPs.

Now for instance when I m doing OLD I sometimes meet chicks who I am not attracted to but would make OK friends and I ve been thinking about doing that. Do they count as Xes and get cut loose?

@guru1000 I know you run things a little differently. Would be great if you could provide some input. I m sure a lot of guys have to deal with this issue at some point.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Uber,
Seems you have pedestalised this Girl...Your comments about other Guys hooking onto her show a certain insecurity...I believe you may well alienate this Girl if you aren't careful...spin Plates...The Rumanian sounds a good keeper for the future...remember what Epicurus said 4500 years ago.."When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory."

 

[ubercat]

I think it's inevitable that you do invest a little bit after the 6 months. No it was just in the vein of tactical discussion I always look at it that if another guy can take your girlfriend away he did u a favour because she was always low quality. Advantage of liking Chinese girls is that you're dating sustainably there is always another one to be had.

There is a bit more fall out with this one as I was introduced by the wife of a friend who is a high quality professional contact at my current work organisation so there would be some short term pain and obviously I can't be too brutal with this girl.

However overall I'm far more interested in learning how to handle the shenanigans in an LTR as that is the gift that will keep giving.

 

[ubercat]

All a bit odd. After 3 days of NC turned up on Sunday night. Said she d missed me and stayed over. She was dragging a book around on chick emotional psychology so maybe this wasn't about me at all. Or possibly I managed to find the only BPD Asian girl on the planet.

 

[Prime_Beef]

What Scaramouche said...is close.

"..do you believe she will be loyal and dutiful to endure and change your diaper (nappy 4 u Brit/Aussie) in your old age? Everything else is transitory. ."

You'd do well too to not assign Asians qualities they may or may not have ..such as assume most are not bpd. . Plenty are. You font need drama, sign of an immature interactive style. If she's looking for a serious guy it will be a turn off.

Only generalization of Asian women I can consistently see with many is they make less BREEDING mistakes than other races' women. If she senses you're a loser, dramatic, involved in things you shouldn't or more trouble than worth, she might have sex with you. She might enjoy that, but she won't have your kids and won't look at you long term. If she accidently gets knocked up by Joe the Hot Thug she'll secretly abort. She won't have the kid, get on welfare and tell everyone how fine her baby daddy is.

If you want this girl, calm down, try to remain so. Be upfront with what u want and let the chips fall where they may. Only "emotional drama" these women need is some excitement from showing them someplace/something new, relationship affirming interactions with your family/friends, and good s!x. These are things many Asian women perceive they won't get while dating their own kind and the reason for her willingness to date outside the race

 

[ubercat]

Wanted an arse hat check on this one. Spend a couple of weekends helping a girlfriend with assignments. She s in a post grad course well beyond her. Anyway she s got better just English checking for her now.

Anyway it's the usual issue of No return on investment.

I made the deal that she would come around one day this weekend and help me tidy the house because I've got friends coming for the next day which of course she is invited to.

She works as a casual nurse. She's agreed to take a shift on Saturday even though she's had plenty of days this week to take shifts. She normally only takes 4 shifts a week.

So I m a bit ambivalent. In one hand the girl has to make a living.

On the other hand the reason my place needs an emergency clean is I've spent the time helping her with her assignments.

So far status today is she sent me this news via message and has sent me a few messages and I haven't replied which I can easily blame on work

 

[ubercat]

My Instinct is to say no problem. Obviously not happy that she would make a decision concerning me without talking to me. So I Mark that as a red flag and start working on some backup plans.

I know the s*** seems trivial but to me keeping frame in a LTR is all about these tiny battles.

Thoughts guys?

 

[ubercat]

Tumbleweeds on this thread. All the DJ's must be off at the Playboy Mansion. Oh well I'm recording it as 2 red flags. 1 for going back on what we agreed and 1 for making a decision that affects me without communicating with me in any way.

The full story is that she was going to help me last weekend and weaseled out.

One more red flag and she gets demoted to fwb I.e. I cut back on seeing her and start spinning plates.

 

[speed dawg]

Basic situation is I told my girlfriend off for changing our plans at the last minute. I was pretty direct about it. To be honest I was blowing it up a little bit to go for the emotional spike.

This was stupid.

Now because I was playing it for the emotional swing I apologized profusely.

This is stupid-er.

Textbook case of a guy getting too technical with PUA stuff that isn't internalized game. Emotion spike? WTF is that anyway. You don't do that by getting angry. You lost by points by getting mad at her, she's just a girlfriend, not a wife. You should have just played that off and pulled back attention. I would imagine you had lowered her IL already or she wouldn't have cancelled plans. She also may have had a legit reason. Either way, you blew it.

No surprise to me that she's now exhibiting more signs of low IL. You've lost a good bit of the frame.

 

[ubercat]

Yep I come here to learn. Consensus was I screwed the pooch on the yumcha incident. Took the advice on board. I've also been consistent here in advising guys to be completely truthful. I'm trying to workout better ltr habits here and ingrain them not justify myself or try and look good. I don't ever want to let ego get in the way of my development.

Declining IL wouldn't worry me greatly. This chicks displaying more bad behaviour than my last Chinese girlfriend so she's likely to screen herself out soon.

However I m not so sure on the declining IL diagnosis. She still wants to see me twice a week, cooks for me, bought me a present this week and sex is on tap whenever I want it.

This post was questioning if I should try and do anything about this particular selfish behaviour. Lets face it most women always put themselves first and try and justify their crappy behaviour. So basically it's the frame/train her not to do it vs antidump/screen for quality argument. I do believe in maintaining frame but I also believe if the girl is low quality, whatever you do won't work long term.

Or just ignore it and note it as a red flag against the girls LTR potential. @BeExcellent I would be interested in your perspective.

 

[BeExcellent]

There is good advice in this thread.

My perspective is a little different but perhaps might be useful. It has nothing to do with the cultural thing, although I think the culturally based comments are valid.

Y'all have been dating 6 months or so, correct? At first she was infatuated with you and willing to do whatever to please you and she was super excited about you, telling all her friends, buddies, etc. There is that rush of excitement that comes from infatuation. It is heady intoxicating stuff right? Well it wears off eventually. This is NOT a bad thing in and of itself.

The infatuation needs to burn off because until it does you can't get a real read on who she is and how she is going to behave for LTR. Love doesn't develop when infatuation is going on.

My two cents is that she is into you, you are just getting more of a day to day read on how she is really going to be going forward. This is a critical phase through which to hold frame in a firm stable non ass hole kind of way. I do think the drama texting is something to nip in the bud, and the fight about her changing plans (a legit issue I agree) was overblown. Do not go crazy making. Not good on your part in my opinion.

Some of her recent behavior seems to place less importance on y'all doing things together (the Sat. shift for example - I think the Yum Cha is no biggie) and that bears paying attention to. I think you are in a stage where you stay engaged but be observant of trends in her behavior...and do speak up if something irks you. Don't blow up. Just be steady and matter of fact.

As far as your ex Romanian? It (in my opinion) depends on your gf. Yes you can be friends with whoever you choose. I'm friends with one ex I dated some 25 years ago. Not super tight close friends but someone I enjoy who I can always pick right back up with. I see him infrequently but an occasional catch up is nice. If a my man is friends with an ex, I don't care as long as I trust him and he's up front about it, but many women are not OK with such things.

Why not take your gf to meet your friend and go do something together? Like you I'd weigh which has more value the known quantity of the friendship or the potential of the relationship? It comes down to trust on that one. Can she trust the nature of that friendship and does you seeing your Romanian friend place undue burden on her trust? I avoid people who are overly jealous. Being trustworthy is on you. Being jealous (or rather not being jealous) is on her.

But generally I think the bloom is off the rose a little bit. It's just a natural part of the process. This is when you find out if it has possible legs for the LTR. If she makes the effort for you, enjoys you sexually upon request, and is generally considerate and caring then she has a deepening emotional investment and this bodes well. She also works in a supportive giving profession which is a positive sign often times. You'll have to judge it going forward and keep being masculine.

 

[ubercat]

Thanks all. I think the last post sums up the whole thread and where things r at nicely. I suspect this doesn't meet my LTR standards. This attitude that she can change our plans but I can't is not going to fly.

Culturally this is more drama than I expect from a mainland Chinese girl and the fact that she's gone for at least a couple of years without a boyfriend is also unusual.

However she does have some other great qualities and I'm willing to play it out a bit longer to see if I'm wrong.

 

[ubercat]

Well got a bunch of 'let s have a break' texts yesterday. I d been off playing sports I didn't get around to checking my phone until the next day.

This is a repeated pattern with her there's a little Tiff we make up have a good weekend and then a day or two later she festers. Seems too unstable for a long term prospect. I'll tell her it's all my fault for the sake of our mutual friends and try the LJBF. Unfortunately given our social Circle connections I don't think it would be wise to go for a fwb. We had a good 7 months together.

I've had my 4 women for the year which is the minimum kpi I set myself. It's spring now and a bit of carefree socializing and learning to ride the new motorbike is fine by me.

 

[ubercat]

Hmm now she s apologised. Which suits me because we've got our mutual friends wedding in 2 weeks time so I can minimise Fallout. So I told her she's a naughty girl and needs to be punished. She's coming around Saturday night for 50 Shades of Grey. Not really anything I've ever done before but I'm a quick learner.

 

[ubercat]

Probably true but I ll enjoy it for what it is.

 

[guru1000]

Ahh the infamous seesaw behavior.

Pay attention to her phone. Is it set on silent or hidden? Try texting her in her presence; does it signal?

The slippery slope to the end. Very few men can just grab their balls and dump them at the seesaw stage.

When she ends this, it will be random, unrelated, and seemly out of nowhere. Start building your harem, dating, and fvcking other women. She already is.

 

[ubercat]

Thanks guys appreciate your having a brother s back. However not my first rodeo. Having a woman act like a woman at the end won't shock me. For me after a break-up I quite often go monk, have a short focussed period where I kick a few personal goals and then get back in the saddle. Only annoying part of that is that it does seem to take a while to spin a few plates up to speed when you do decide to get back on the pull. I have already started tending to my social circle. Catching up with a couple of old mate's this weekend got lunch with another booked next week. Crunchy time at work for the next couple of weeks but after that I'll get back to my professional networking again too.

 

[ubercat]

G/f turned up on the weekend and all was well. Had some sexytime and a photo shoot Took first baby step with shibari. Thanks @Bible_Belt for the links. So it's fun seesaw at the moment. As per advice I ll watch the trend line.

 

[Killakittie]

Tumbleweeds on this thread. All the DJ's must be off at the Playboy Mansion. Oh well I'm recording it as 2 red flags. 1 for going back on what we agreed and 1 for making a decision that affects me without communicating with me in any way.

The full story is that she was going to help me last weekend and weaseled out.

One more red flag and she gets demoted to fwb I.e. I cut back on seeing her and start spinning plates.

Is she even aware that she's crossing all these lines with you? Tell her flat out man. This is disrespectful to me, this is not, I don't like when you do this without my consent, this is ok. You need to teach her but to do so she needs to know what the rules are. Otherwise she just does whatever she wants.

Honestly this whole situation is your fault. Your not leading, your playing games, and now you need to play catch up. Sit her down and fill her in on the do's and donts. Now as she does things in the future that you do not agree with, you immediately, on the spot bring it up, explain it's not ok Yada Yada. Ask her if she understands and then move forward like it didn't happen.

If she continues doing things she knows you perceive as disrespectful then it is at that point that it becomes her fault. Then you walk away or whatever.