Advice needed ...

[Aesthetix29]

Hey brahs,

This is a little off topic but any advice would be apprechiated.

I'm 31 and have never really met my biological father ... So it's been just my mum and grand parents throughout my life. But to cut a long story short .. When I was 14/15 my mum found out that my real dads dad (my grandad - that I never met) had died and that the funeral was going to be not far from where I lived, and basically that would be my chance to meet him. So I used this opportunity to meet him ( completely wrong I know but I was 15 and very angry of ferling abandoned ) anyway I turned up asked about for him and found him .. And to be fair this was very brief ( 5 mins ) he basically said to that he would be in touch as the time wasn't right.. Understandable right.

So fast forward another 16 years (now 31) i never heard of him again after that .. I tried to find him through social media etc with no avail. Anyway I was at my mums yesterday and the conversation came on to him for some reason .. And we just had a quick look on Facebook to see if he was there and guess what .. He was, so I've snooped through photos and family members and he has a 28 year old daughter called Rachel (my half sister) now I know he made it pretty clear that he wanted nothing to do with me which I've leant to live with .. But I would like to meet my sister if I could and maybe a few other family members of possible .. If not only to find out where I come from etc. But I also think that his wife and daughter do not know about me in the slightest and that could be one of the reasons he's never been in touch, and I don't want to destroy or cause any problems on there end through me sticking my beak in. This is something that has haunted me since being a nipper - the feeing of being unwanted. What do I do ?

Has anyone had a similar experience and any help and advice would be greatly apprechiated I just don't know what to do .. Also nervous of being completely rejected once again?

I just can't help but think if it does come out and his wife can't handle that he's lied for 31 years if she already asked the question when they met and he said no.

SORRY FOR RAMBLING - HOPE IT MAKES SENSE. Thanks

 

[Billtx49]

If you feel that you really need these questions answered and you feel that you would regret it for the rest of your life if you did not then do it. Nothing worse in life than living with regret about some thing that you did not do, but could have…
That being said, are you sure you can deal with any damage that would occur to others lives as a result of your actions?
Your father made his choices in life, you make yours.

 

[Desdinova]

Your father should be truthful to his family members about your existence. If you make contact and he hasn't told anybody about you, then it's his fault for not letting anybody know.

Do what you feel you need to do, but don't go into it expecting open arms or a welcome party. Remember that if they don't know about you, it may take some time for it to sink in. Also remember that your viewpoint on this whole situation can be influential. Contact them with a positive attitude about the whole thing, and they just might want to get to know you in return.

 

[Aesthetix29]

Wow aesthetix, I never knew.

First and foremost, you are a great poster here, you are wanted here and I am sure many others want you in your life. I very much mean that. I usually stop in threads to pay extra attention to what you say.

Having said that, this is not about him not wanting you, it seems it is about him building and keeping a life, in which your sudden appearance could destroy things. Perhaps his marriage.

I can't possibly understand what you are going through, growing up without a father and possibly without a father figure. However no matter what you do, you cannot turn this man into what you wish he could be.

Nor, can you do anything about your half sister. Now, part of me thinks "fvk your dad, you have every right to know your family members", but you also have to weigh that against the gains and consequences of your actions.

I think what you have to do is ask yourself "what are my true motivations here, and will they be fulfilled by my actions?".

Think long and hard and come back with your thoughts, I (and I am sure others) are very interested in knowing your choice.

Thanks for all your advice ... Believe or not my mum asked me the same thing ... And the thing is this has brought back emotions I buried deep a long time ago .. Mainly because I couldn't find him or he didn't want to be found, but after seeing his social media profile we are very much alike. I do want to make contact some how but don't know how? My mum said his sister knows about me and that's she's nice .. But I can't seem to find her on his friends list so not sure she's still alive ( there in there 50's and 60's ) but I did find a women with the same name on his friends list but with a different surname, but my mum said it doesn't look like her and all there photos are limited because we're not friends .. If I could find her then I would try contact with her and see where I stand? I mean I'm not asking for money or to spend all my time with them just some answers. I think I'm innocent in all this. She also said he saved my life when I was 1 ( choking or something). I'm 31 and an adult, since finding out the otherday I can't get it off my mind and keep snooping through there photos and it doesn't feel right.

Am I being over emotional and over reacting? It's like something off Jeremy Kyle haha! I'm tempted to send who I think is his sister a message and ask if her previous name is the same and take from there but what if I'm wrong? For me it would mean closure and that things could progress or I can shut that chapter.

I'm stuck in limbo and feel guilty for what I'm about to do. But I also feel like I owe to myself to find out. My mum said what have I got to lose? Nothing but rejection hurts. (Sad I know).

I mean he has an only daughter, what if she wars to see me? They live within a 5 mile radius,

The only lead I've got is to try and find his sister as I'm not contacting him or his daughter that's just too weird and a little stalkerish if you ask me.

Would contacting this women I think is his sister be a good move or just creepy?

Thanks for your kind words danger, and you think I'm a valued member of the forum, I'm flattered LOL.

Aesthetix

 

[Billtx49]

Just send his sis a msg saying " I think I may know you, was your maiden name xxx?"
Worth a try and cheaper than a private detective…

 

[LiveYourDream]

1. You declared that he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with you. That's not what he told you at the funeral. You must have heard that from your mom. Even if he said that to her at one point in time or more than once, it does not mean that's what he would tell you. Keep a blank slate and allow the man to tell you his own story. Let him tell you what his life has been like, knowing he has a son in the world and not knowing him. Ex's say harsh things when they are hurt and things said in the heat of a moment do not often get forgotten. That does not mean how he felt in the heat of a moment is how he has felt about you in his heart, every other moment, on his own.

2. If it took you going to a funeral to find him once in 15 years, and then all your other online searches were fruitless till recently, what makes you believe that he could have contacted you at any point and choose not to. Maybe he also did not know how to reach you? If you gave him contact info at the funeral, perhaps it fell out of a pocket or accidentally got tossed with tear soaked tissues from his pocket. His father just died and he just met his son. His lack of contacting you may not have been a deliberate attempt to hurt you further. Be open to hear what he shares.

3. My ex husband got a message from his mom a few years back saying the father he had not had contact with since he was maybe 2, found my ex on Facebook and wanted to meet him and develop a relationship and was asking for permission to contact him. He granted it. His father then reached out on Facebook. They met, and then several half siblings an large extended family. My ex was remarrying not long after, so he even went so far as to change from having his step father's last name (who he hated) to his real father's. Holidays and family gatherings took on all new meaning, as this new family all wanted to get to know him. I don't recall the time line but within a year or two, his father then became ill and passed. My ex was grateful for the opportunity to get to know him, his family and close the gap on all the unanswered questions.

You can contact through someone else. As you don't know those people or how close he is to them, it could be odd for him too. Not all siblings are close. I see nothing stalkerish about reaching out directly. I would not be vague. I would follow a similar tactic as lining up dates. Set up time, date, place or get phone number if that's more comfortable to start. Let him know you would like to see him/speak to him and offer him your number and ask for his or ask to meet in person. Convey that your intent is well-meaning not confrontational.

My brother's best friend had a daughter he'd never met who was in her 40's when her contact info was finally found for him. They live in different states. He's become a huge part of her family's life ever since. One never knows.

4. Your father may not respond at all or not in a way that is positive. He may welcome you with gratitude for reaching out. The emotional roller coaster from what occurs in the present moment to all the layers that unfurl in the process, is tremendous even in the best of circumstances. Make sure you have proper support and aren't trying to wing it by yourself or with your mom. Your mom will have her own emotions that come up from you meeting him and hearing his side of the story, and even potentially becoming close. Have support already set up for yourself, to support you through the process and debriefing of it all too.

5. My understanding you are fairly early in your recovery from addiction. I have no idea the impact. I feel moved to caution you about insuring your stability and support in your recovery as much as possible, before jumping on such a roller coaster ride, that may be triggering. Perhaps the caution is to wait a bit or maybe have a written out list of healthy behaviors to choose from, if you feel triggered from meeting him or the anticipation or subsequent stress, tension or emotion. Make sure you are extra set up to remain successful and have tools and support to do so, through the process of reaching out to your dad.

6. Do not expect him to fill any hole in your heart or be the dad you never had. He's just a man. Remind yourself of that. Hear his story, if he has one to share. Get to know him, for the man who helped create you and for who he is now. Don't meet him with your projections of who he never was for you in the last 31 years.

7. The impact to his wife and family is not your concern. It's likely his wife knows but not the daughter. Your intent is not to do harm, simply to speak to your father. Focus on meeting him and let him focus on communicating what he desires, with his family.

8. Keep contact light hearted and positive when reaching out, setting things up, and as you initially connect.

9. The more you can hold no expectations of contact or that he's someone you will even like, the better. Consider any contact whatsoever a bonus. If you actually like the guy, bigger bonus. Maintain no expectations if you can and consider anything at all simply a bonus. Even if he denies contact, it's a bonus, in that you tried and you are now truly clear on his response and won't have to wonder forever.

10. I'd recommend connecting with him one on one before you even bring up the half sister. Priorities. She's a bonus. Focus only on connecting with him first. Once he is comfortable with you, he'll likely bring it up himself.

Best wishes to you in your recovery and in all of things of resolution and moving forward with your father, half sister and all involved. May it all unfold for the highest good of all concerned.

 

[Aesthetix29]

Wow thanks LYD, that's put things in perspective.

Aesthetix

 

[Aesthetix29]

Just send his sis a msg saying " I think I may know you, was your maiden name xxx?"
Worth a try and cheaper than a private detective…

I'm willing to try this ... But I'm not sure it's his sister tho .. Should I still do it?

Aesthetix

 

[Aesthetix29]

It's weird as my mum and dad both had the same surname but wasn't married .. Just coincidence ... So if it is her then her maiden name will be the same as my mine .. Big giveaway that.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Just send his sis a msg saying " I think I may know you, was your maiden name xxx?"
Worth a try and cheaper than a private detective…

I appreciate the intent behind this message is likely to be casual and yet make connection. The wording to a woman who does not know you will immediately spark her defenses. She knows she doesn't know you but you are pretending maybe you do, this automatically puts you into creepy category inside her. Her defenses go way up and then you wish her to confirm her maiden name? You are a creepy stranger at this point she has no reason to understand why you are asking about her maiden name. Doing so will make her feel unsafe. Enough about that one.

If you suggest or say you are his long lost son and she approaches her brother with an attitude of WTF or you never told me (no offense intended to you) he may immediately be put on the defensive and deny it, without consideration of the consequences. It would be an immediate reflexive reaction in the moment to save face with her and his relationship with her and the rest of the family if he were to feel her disapproval, judgement, unacceptance, mostly a sense of her feeling betrayed. That wouldn't be about you, it would depend on her approach to him.

I'd be super specific about the wording you use to establish contact. If you reach out to someone other than him first, be super aware that women receive things/languaging differently than men.

 

[Aesthetix29]

I appreciate the intent behind this message is likely to be casual and yet make connection. The wording to a woman who does not know you will immediately spark her defenses. She knows she doesn't know you but you are pretending maybe you do, this automatically puts you into creepy category inside her. Her defenses go way up and then you wish her to confirm her maiden name? You are a creepy stranger at this point she has no reason to understand why you are asking about her maiden name. Doing so will make her feel unsafe. Enough about that one.

If you suggest or say you are his long lost son and she approaches her brother with an attitude of WTF or you never told me (no offense intended to you) he may immediately be put on the defensive and deny it, without consideration of the consequences. It would be an immediate reflexive reaction in the moment to save face with her and his relationship with her and the rest of the family if he were to feel her disapproval, judgement, unacceptance, mostly a sense of her feeling betrayed. That wouldn't be about you, it would depend on her approach to him.

I'd be super specific about the wording you use to establish contact. If you reach out to someone other than him first, be super aware that women receive things/languaging differently than men.

Thanks for that I didn't think of it like that. But what I do know I'd that she does no about me as my mother bumped into her a while back at the supermarket and she was asking how I was etc... But I'm not sure this is the right women .. All I've got to go off is that she has the same first name as my real dads sister different surname (could of married) and that she is on my dads and my sisters Facebook friends it's me that's assuming she's his sister ... So difficult. Thanks again I apprechiate your input

 

[LiveYourDream]

There are lots of websites these days where you can often easily gain contact (*if it's available for the individual) and other info, on long lost friends, family, ex's, whomever. I find it disturbing, personally, as I am a super private person. I get they can be useful and have used them myself when needed, with varying success. A friend from years past used one to find me successfully. I have used BeenVerified.com. I believe it's one of the better ones. I am not here to advocate it.

Sites like this will charge a fee and most will require you to line you up to a reoccurring payment to sign up, so be aware. Some sites will offer a discounted intro special, lower fee, if you scout their site and then try to leave it. Most have a money back guarantee if you don't find the info you are scouting. The fees are maybe $1 to $20. Just be sure to cancel after you find what you want and not inadvertently incur reoccurring charges, unless of course you choose to continue.

These sites also offer a list of relatives (or what their computer thinks may be relatives--so do your due diligence as well) and you can also link to those relatives contact info. My thought was it may be a way to get even more clear on who is might actually be related to your father, before you contact them. It may help verify if the woman you think may be his sister is the one your mom met. Be careful their computer will likely link by last name as well, so don't take it to be truth. Consider all the variables presented. Some link to social media and photos too, if that is helpful.

You may find your father's direct contact info faster than you imagined. If you haven't tried it, you might want to.

P.S. If you are a super private person, you may find you wish to have your own information removed from such sites. They have instructions on how to do that too.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I grew up never knowing my father, and every second that I wondered what he was like and when I would meet him was a complete waste of time. Why pursue somebody who wants nothing to do with me?

@Espi Just as much as you refrained from reaching out to him, assuming he wanted nothing to do with you, he could very well have been thinking of you too, yet refraining from contacting you, because he also assumed you would want nothing to do with him (or that he had no right, or he didn't deserve to, or maybe he considered it would be selfish of him to disturb your life, so he could meet you.) Please know I am not judging you, your choices or defending his lack of contact. I am simply wanting to gently offer that sometimes assumptions can be wrong and lead to missed opportunities. Maybe, it's worth the risk at somepoint, to find out for certain, if your assumption was true or not.

 

[Aesthetix29]

Quick update ... We had a DNA test last week .. And results came in this morning and he is my father ... Just waiting to hear off him now ... If he contacts me.

 

[Julian]

You should stalk him and your sister and meet them casually in different places while wearing disguises to fool them! Think about it, you could video all the situations while your at it and then the final reveal where you blow their minds and show them who you are... this is after you pretended to be the gardener, a streetbum,a bush, a mime and any other fked up disguise u can think of.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Quick update ... We had a DNA test last week .. And results came in this morning and he is my father ... Just waiting to hear off him now ... If he contacts me.

@Aesthetix29, You just crossed my mind...wondering how it's going with you and your father?

BIG news!! How are you doing with it? Have you two connected since you found out? How is it going? If you don't mind sharing, who requested the test and how was that?

I hope you are hanging in there. There is so much anticipation. Now you know. I imagine it takes a long time to unpack all the thoughts and feelings that lead up to such news and of course all the potentials of what happens next. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with him if you can. It all obviously digs up all kinds of emotions, be sure to take really good care of you along the way.

 

[Aesthetix29]

@Aesthetix29, You just crossed my mind...wondering how it's going with you and your father?

BIG news!! How are you doing with it? Have you two connected since you found out? How is it going? If you don't mind sharing, who requested the test and how was that?

I hope you are hanging in there. There is so much anticipation. Now you know. I imagine it takes a long time to unpack all the thoughts and feelings that lead up to such news and of course all the potentials of what happens next. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with him if you can. It all obviously digs up all kinds of emotions, be sure to take really good care of you along the way.

Hey! Basically I contacted him through Facebook and he replied saying that he wasn't my father and that this was proven in court many years ago via ba look test ... My mum said this never happened .. So I contacted his daughter (my half sister) and she was curious and got him to agree to another ... To which we did and he paid half (£500) total, fast forward a week and it came back positive ... ( oh at the DNA test we was all having a laugh together) anyway he messaged me saying that he was in shock and that he will be going on holiday shortly and once back we can meet up ... Either in his area or mine, to which I agreed .. And left it at that, 3 weeks later still not heard anything but we are still friends on Facebook etc... I think he's trying to get his head around it. Also not heard of his daughter ... But now that it's been proven allnincan do is wait isn't it ?

 

[LiveYourDream]

Hey! Basically I contacted him through Facebook and he replied saying that he wasn't my father and that this was proven in court many years ago via ba look test ... My mum said this never happened .. So I contacted his daughter (my half sister) and she was curious and got him to agree to another ... To which we did and he paid half (£500) total, fast forward a week and it came back positive ... ( oh at the DNA test we was all having a laugh together) anyway he messaged me saying that he was in shock and that he will be going on holiday shortly and once back we can meet up ... Either in his area or mine, to which I agreed .. And left it at that, 3 weeks later still not heard anything but we are still friends on Facebook etc... I think he's trying to get his head around it. Also not heard of his daughter ... But now that it's been proven allnincan do is wait isn't it ?

Consider how long you have been pondering over who your father might be, narrowing down possibilities, getting possible contact info, reaching out indirectly and more directly. He's been on your radar, and in your thoughts for quite a long time. If he just went from not knowing/not believing to... "This man I've never known is my son," that would be beyond shocking. Three weeks may seem like 3 years to you right now. I get that. You can hardly comprehend all the prep you had for the results that he is catching up on. Be patient. Don't take it personally. I know you have been waiting your whole life in some ways. I encourage you to see the value in him reaching out when he can truly and most authentically connect. If he were to meet with you in a state of shock, he likely would seem disconnected and empty in a way that would be easy to make about you rather than his state of shock.

He's not just taking in that he has an adult son. He's also spun into his past with your mom, their relationship, however it ended and coming to accept and realize she has raised his son, all these years. It's tremendous beyond words.

I imagine it's hard and the additional wait on top of now knowing feels like it's all about him and his feelings right now. Your feelings are important too! None of this I am saying, or "the pause" he needs to move out of the shock, is intended to minimize your feelings in anyway. Do your best not to make the time he's needing to land, from the shock, personally. Remind yourself, as often as you need that it's not about you. It's simply shock.

I know it's easy for me to say. Hang in there. Be patient. I am not sure the spectrum of your expectations. Be careful. Do your very best to have them range from none to appreciating the opportunity to spend an hour and get to know him a bit. Do your best not to let yourself create expectations beyond that. Hang in there. It's Big! Even so, do not let it define you. Let us know how it goes, if you are inclined. Wishing you both the best.