Losing my frame here brothers, help me out (girlfriend of 5 years)

[Piers Nivens]

Quick background:

started dating 2011. Im her first. In terms of EVERYTHING relationship and sex-wise.
She's 4 years younger than me. Over the course of the relationship, she has bought me countless gifts, presents, bday cards etc, and has spent roughly around $6,000 additional in hard cash on me (even sold her gold jewelry for me once, despite me saying no). (Remember, shes young and barely has money of her own, whatever she had she spent).

She never said no to anything in bed.

Here's the bad (from both sides):

Over the years I've made her cry a lot, she never looked away. I admit, I havent been fair early in the relationship. Although I have always remained faithful.

I've verbally abused her a lot. She always stayed quiet and apologied. Back in Dec 2014, she flirted with a coworker through text, I found out, she cried her eyes out for days and got a new phone, new number and only had her immediate family members added (literally). Cut contact with even female friends to show that she means to make up.

Fast forward two months ago, I texted her one night and it got left on seen. 2 hours later she responds that she was having an argument with her father (as a middle person), and I asked what was the argument about.

She says its family related and at the moment she doesnt want to talk about it. I took it out of proportion (I Think?) and started yelling how she should be able to tell me whats going on because I always tell her when I have any argument etc. We start arguing and I yell out "Why am I in this ****ty relationship where you cant even tell me ****, Im out". She responds "It is ****ty, all I am saying is I cant say it at the moment what is the problem"

Some more arguing. I say f u, gtfo , etc, and I leave the convo.

No contact from either side.
2 weeks pass, she changes her facebook profile picture to a picture of her that I took.
A week after, I keep getting Unknown calls and no one speaks (Its her I know, she has done it in the past a lot).

I ignore more. She deletes her facebook, and removes all viber, whatsapp, etc photos. All social media images gone. She still comes online on whatsapp however.

Now guys, listen, the following might sound creepy to you but I'm just missing her a lot.

Now, 2 months have gone by, I have graduated even (no congrats from her since we were No Contact) and I am starting to get hit real bad. I've been calling her Unknown just to hear her voice, and today she say "WHO are you , you keep calling but dont talk". I know she KNOWS its me, because she does it herself.


She really is (was?) obsessed with me, we have marriage plans, I"m her first, shes beautiful, she has always made other guys know she is off limits, (except the one week flirt thing), has always put down other people's advances and overall is a beautiful, family oriented loyal female.

Side note: the flirt thing was a result of us arguing, and her misconception that I flirt with girls (my fb is extremely popular and I have girls liking/leaving comments day and night, I dont really respond).

I would say throughout the 5 years, 80% of the time I have been unfair/wrong. She isn't a perfect angel, but I probably have been more unfair than she was (i.e. she has apologied more, has been upset more, etc)

What should I do?

Should I stay no contact?
Should I text or call her? New topic or should I apologize?
Should I send her money via Chase as "payback money" to start a conversation?

I do love her, and miss her, and want to make things right.

And no, I haven't given all the details, I dont want to write too much lest I lose some of your interest and thus, help.

 

[Piers Nivens]

Just a disclaimer: I have a steady career, make a 6 figure salary, family, amazing friends and a very good social life.

Just that when I come home and sit alone, I start thinking of her and thats when this side of me kicks in, start getting emotional.

I'm in great shape, and workout 6 days a week. Love my life, just missing her is all.

So please no derogatory comments, thanks guys

 

[Phobos]

I've verbally abused her a lot.

So please no derogatory comments, thanks guys

^ Isn't that funny how she deserves the abuse but you don't?

I think you should tell her you're sorry you're a POS and she deserves and should look for someone better. Then go work on your emotional issues.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

In my opinion, you need to work on yourself. You have anger management issues and I would go so far as to say you are abusive. Lashing out like you describe at her because she didn't want to discuss this argument with her father with you? Who cares. Why do you feel something like this is important that you absolutely must know the details? Hell my wife occasionally has arguments with her family and I don't give two $hits what its about because I dont need the drama from her side of the family in my life.

Its one thing to have a woman invested so much like you describe but I dont think you really appreciate just what that means. As the head of my household, I would say I had to work fairly hard to get my wife to be compliant to me and what I envisioned for how our family runs. This did take some effort to break her from the white knight Disney fantasy crap that pervades a lot of women's minds, but she's definitely come around to my way of thinking and is submissive to the degree I desire. Having accomplished this however doesn't give me carte blanche to abuse the authority I have. I can literally tell her to write me check for everything she has in all bank accounts or saved for retirement and she'll do it. I can tell her to sell all her prized shoes and other clothes she loves and she'll do it. I'm almost convinced I could tell her I want to get a second chick in bed with us and she might go along with it...I don't know really and that's an area I really have no desire to explore. My point here is that I don't abuse my authority.

You need to work on yourself big time.

 

[Piers Nivens]

^ Isn't that funny how she deserves the abuse but you don't?

I think you should tell her you're sorry you're a POS and she deserves and should look for someone better. Then go work on your emotional issues.

That's not what I meant.
Of course you guys can be harsh and truthful. I meant comments like "oh man up, go workout, don't be a baby, etc"

 

[Piers Nivens]

In my opinion, you need to work on yourself. You have anger management issues and I would go so far as to say you are abusive. Lashing out like you describe at her because she didn't want to discuss this argument with her father with you? Who cares. Why do you feel something like this is important that you absolutely must know the details? Hell my wife occasionally has arguments with her family and I don't give two $hits what its about because I dont need the drama from her side of the family in my life.

Its one thing to have a woman invested so much like you describe but I dont think you really appreciate just what that means. As the head of my household, I would say I had to work fairly hard to get my wife to be compliant to me and what I envisioned for how our family runs. This did take some effort to break her from the white knight Disney fantasy crap that pervades a lot of women's minds, but she's definitely come around to my way of thinking and is submissive to the degree I desire. Having accomplished this however doesn't give me carte blanche to abuse the authority I have. I can literally tell her to write me check for everything she has in all bank accounts or saved for retirement and she'll do it. I can tell her to sell all her prized shoes and other clothes she loves and she'll do it. I'm almost convinced I could tell her I want to get a second chick in bed with us and she might go along with it...I don't know really and that's an area I really have no desire to explore. My point here is that I don't abuse my authority.

You need to work on yourself big time.

No, you're totally right. This woman will give me her every penny if I ask, no questions asked. She will leave her family and friends for me if I ask.

When we went out, it was always about me. She would never say what she wants to eat or where she wants to go, because she always made it about me.

If I tell her come out, she comes out. If I say sleep, she sleeps.

She literally did everything I told her.

The night she argued with her father, I agree I went overboard. The reason it happened was because I guess I always told her my stuff for the most time in this essence, so I might have taken it offensive.


What should I do now?

 

[Piers Nivens]

Remember, I've also treated her very good. There's a reason she's done all that and would do more for me

 

[Asmodeus]

No, you're totally right. This woman will give me her every penny if I ask, no questions asked. She will leave her family and friends for me if I ask.

When we went out, it was always about me. She would never say what she wants to eat or where she wants to go, because she always made it about me.

If I tell her come out, she comes out. If I say sleep, she sleeps.

She literally did everything I told her.

All I see is you talking about how much control you had over her. I see how much you desired that control even over the little things. This is why it was such a heated issue that she did not tell you about her family issue and why you reacted the way you did.
You are literally one step away from being someone like me... A control freak... I
do not even love women as much as I love to control them.

However, you do seem to care about her more than the control however... And you do seem to reevaluating the situation.

My question is why have you not just said sorry? Why not apologize? You would openly admit you were wrong here so why don't you just do it to her and give her an honest apology. Or are you too concerned about losing your control by giving an apology...

Either way, whether you want to be with her or not you possibly should apologize anyway just to clear the air between you two.

 

[El Payaso]

You're just rationalizing why you should go back to her. It's easy to find guilt in yourself just because you believe that in doing so you can have something to apologize for and all will be well.

The ironic thing is she probably has more respect for you now than if you were to apologize.

It's tough to forget about an ex but the easiest way to get over a woman is to get on top of another.

Other ways is to immerse yourself in your work, hobbies, school, life etc.

 

[BeExcellent]

I have news for you. You appear by your own admission to be the problem.

And yet you have titled your post "losing your frame". Your title is inaccurate. It should be "how do I find balance"

You have or had a beautiful devoted virgin who loved you, was committed to you and willing to defer to you and looked to you for leadership. And you were a tyrant.

A woman like this rarely comes along in a man's life. Many men never in their lives meet such a woman but would so appreciate one like her. And yet she has the strength to remain no contact and has the self esteem not to blow up your phone begging you back.

How will you feel when another man snaps her up? This is a woman who will be a great partner for a man, who will be devoted and loyal. She will take some time to heal and then she will be gone, because she is what every man wants. So you have to get over yourself and your issues or you'll be kicking yourself.

If you want her back, time is ticking. You should apologize and take the attitude that she is a worthwhile partner for your life & express this to her. You need to deal with your own BS outside of your interaction with her. She needs to know you love her, want her, and are prepared to improve yourself for the benefit of you both.

That isn't losing frame. That's being a quality man. She is a woman worthy of a quality man. That will either be you or someone else.

She may already be gone. Good luck.

 

[Piers Nivens]

@BetterCallSaul

All I see is you talking about how much control you had over her. I see how much you desired that control even over the little things. This is why it was such a heated issue that she did not tell you about her family issue and why you reacted the way you did.
You are literally one step away from being someone like me... A control freak... I
do not even love women as much as I love to control them.

However, you do seem to care about her more than the control however... And you do seem to reevaluating the situation.

My question is why have you not just said sorry? Why not apologize? You would openly admit you were wrong here so why don't you just do it to her and give her an honest apology. Or are you too concerned about losing your control by giving an apology...

Either way, whether you want to be with her or not you possibly should apologize anyway just to clear the air between you two.

It's not really talking about control, I was just putting her in the good image and light she deserves. That she is a good woman who does what I mentioned above etc.

I don't try to control her, as far as I know, since she does whatever I say anyways. I haven't apologized because we haven't talked for 2 months, and it feels out of place.

That's what I'm asking, should I text her normal or text an apology?

 

[Piers Nivens]

I have news for you. You appear by your own admission to be the problem.

And yet you have titled your post "losing your frame". Your title is inaccurate. It should be "how do I find balance"

You have or had a beautiful devoted virgin who loved you, was committed to you and willing to defer to you and looked to you for leadership. And you were a tyrant.

A woman like this rarely comes along in a man's life. Many men never in their lives meet such a woman but would so appreciate one like her. And yet she has the strength to remain no contact and has the self esteem not to blow up your phone begging you back.

How will you feel when another man snaps her up? This is a woman who will be a great partner for a man, who will be devoted and loyal. She will take some time to heal and then she will be gone, because she is what every man wants. So you have to get over yourself and your issues or you'll be kicking yourself.

If you want her back, time is ticking. You should apologize and take the attitude that she is a worthwhile partner for your life & express this to her. You need to deal with your own BS outside of your interaction with her. She needs to know you love her, want her, and are prepared to improve yourself for the benefit of you both.

That isn't losing frame. That's being a quality man. She is a woman worthy of a quality man. That will either be you or someone else.

She may already be gone. Good luck.

You've pretty much hit it all head on. Looking back I do feel bad for the unfair I have done. Granted I didn't only mistreat her, because I have loved and made her love being with me a lot too, but for the bad I did do she didn't deserve.

It should not been a problem if she didn't want to tell me about the argument with her father that night. I took it out of proportion.

I do want to get back and either continue a good relationship while ignoring the bad that happened, or talk about the bad and put it behind us together.

That's where I need assistance.

Should I just casually text or call her?
Or should I text her an apology instead of a casual convo starter?

Please specify if I should CALL OR TEXT, and if it should be a casual starter or apology starter.

 

[popsickle]

I'm very surprised by the down to earth responses on this thread. Usually the forum goes more like "dude no matter how much of a freak you were, she ****ed up majorly texting this other guy and she probably ****ed 17 guys without you knowing. You can never forgive. Drop the b*tch". It's refreshing really.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

This whole thing sounds a little 50 shades.

She's obviously got zero self esteem because she lets you push her around, so to speak; and you've clearly got some insecurities as well, owing to the fact you do these controlling things, which to all intents, you are not entitled to do. I know some hard-liners would probably just say you are 'keeping your b!tch in check'. But to be honest, that attitude belongs in the dark ages.

This can't really end well. The abuse will escalate and/or her eyes will wander again. And there may be no salvation when it happens.

TMK says move on. Leave her be.

 

[BeExcellent]

The breakup probably hurt her a lot just as it is affecting you. I suggest you call her, acknowledge that you were out of line, and ask her out to dinner to chat about moving forward together. I would suggest being succinct & direct. You do not need to grovel or beg at all, but a statement of your responsibility for how you acted along with an invitation may be well received.

Telephone is more human than text. So much tone and non verbal communication is lost over text. But really this deserves a face to face if she will go. She may or she may not.

I commend you for your candor & willingness to own your behavior. It sounds like she is worth making the effort from what you shared.

Be willing to listen as well as speak. Someone who you are seriously considering to partner with for life needs to feel heard. Just as you need to feel heard. From there you both can determine is it best to move forward or walk away.

This is a different type of thread than we routinely see here. Hope it works itself out.

 

[dude99]

No, you're totally right. This woman will give me her every penny if I ask, no questions asked. She will leave her family and friends for me if I ask.

When we went out, it was always about me. She would never say what she wants to eat or where she wants to go, because she always made it about me.

If I tell her come out, she comes out. If I say sleep, she sleeps.

She literally did everything I told her.

The night she argued with her father, I agree I went overboard. The reason it happened was because I guess I always told her my stuff for the most time in this essence, so I might have taken it offensive.


What should I do now?

2 months no contact. Sounds like you both need to move on.

After this, you will never be able to get back what was.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

@BetterCallSaul


It's not really talking about control, I was just putting her in the good image and light she deserves. That she is a good woman who does what I mentioned above etc.

I don't try to control her, as far as I know, since she does whatever I say anyways. I haven't apologized because we haven't talked for 2 months, and it feels out of place.

That's what I'm asking, should I text her normal or text an apology?

Well, let's get a little perspective here. Acting "normal" for you is what got you into this situation you're in in the first place, so if you're trying to get out of that, sounds like "normal" is not the way to go.

The thing is, even if you go the apology route and let's say you get back together, are you really going to change your behaviour? I really dont think so. You can reply with whatever you want to this thread saying how you'll do some serious soul searching or really re-evaluate your mental state or priorities in life...etc. This is not my first ride around the block. I've heard damn near everything before and the vast majority of people are lazy and they're not going to follow through. Hell, look at all the idiots we see every year around new year's. "What's your new year's resolution?" A lot of people say lose weight or get in better shape. By the time January 15 rolls around those are all forgotten. People don't want to change and I expect you won't either.

 

[BeTheChange]

I've said it before and I'll keep saying it.

If your ex can go 2 months without being with you she does not care anymore. I can guarantee you there is another man fulfilling her needs. Women CANNOT stand to be alone. Now by your own admissions you were a sh*tty boyfriend, so she had a good reason to leave.

However can you take her back knowing she had the D from someone else? Might be easier if you were unfaitfhul during the relationships but you've already said you weren't.

 

[BeTheChange]

This will only work if you are SERIOUSLY willing to change.

Start therapy.

 

[Bingo-Player]

ok il be straight up on the face of it , it sounds like you've treated her if anything slightly poorly

from what i have read ( bar the flirting thing) her behavior towards you seems good....... for a modern woman they are far from perfect these days and this one to me sounds more than manageable......

i would say its time to stop messing about if you want this woman in permanently in your life then you need to meet up with her and tell her forget the games and the no contact

at this stage i cant tell you what the outcome would be but you need to know either way or the wound will fester

its better to do it sooner rather than later ......