20s vs. 30s

[BlueAlpha1]

I'm 27 years old and I've been in a rut going on 20 months now. However, I don't have to go back that far to see I had a pretty stable life not too long ago.

At 24 going on 25 I had...
- A job that allowed me $1,000 leftover every month
- Was rotating two women (my BPD, her rebound, and was constantly trying to hook a 3rd)
- A reliable car
- A purpose to get up at a reasonable hour, even if I didn't love the job

Since then I...
- Lost a parent
- Was laid off from that job
- Parted with both those girls and have become very cynical towards women, and had mostly flakes and bad dates
- I sleep in every single day (because I go to bed extremely late)

There's no doubt that a death in the family, losing a job, and going through a breakup all within 6 months blindsided me. I am very hard on myself that this has gone on 20 months because I think a year of grieving major life changes is more than enough. An expert might tell me I'm depressed but fortunately I think I already hit rock bottom. I don't have any major addictions but I have spent most of the time jumping from job to job and traveling. However now I have put in job applications to go back into the industry that was paying me a good salary and am moving into a new place August 16.

A lot of people get the grass is greener syndrome in life. Those who have no free time want to quit their 9-5 and travel the world. Those who have too much free time miss having a purpose. My friends are all going through one or the other, one of which I decided to cut off because his phase of wanting to quit the real world and "become an artist" or something has not gone away but gotten much worse, and consumed him entirely. I'm wondering if any of you guys got off through a fast start out of college but later went through a period like this in your late 20's where you failed miserably with jobs/purpose and women only to come back from it better. Or is this idea that men peak mid 30's just rationalizations for men to excuse away their loser 20s?

 

[Julian]

life works in cycles and in is a roller coaster...tons of champions in all areas of life have been down for the count, dead on their backs..and yet somehow were able to recover and prosper even more then before. especially in todays world..nothings promised.

im really sorry for your loss man, i think a death of a parent would probably cause me so much physical and mental and emotional anguish..i dont want to imagine.

Now i can however relate to the job situation, we are around the same age and i was laid off as well and am in the process of starting my job application process...but ive been watching alot of dan pena and i wana get on some real money.

another thing i can relate to is the bpd ex...she is hoovering me hard right now. im trying to remain steadfast here but my female options currently are limited.

we all hit our rock bottoms and personal lows...its part of life. what matters is bouncing back and showing life whos boss and make some **** happen..gotta stay positive man. theres been times where i just pulled over on the side of the road and broke down sobbing because i just had to release it. make sure you are lifting at least and remaining jacked.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

life works in cycles and in is a roller coaster...tons of champions in all areas of life have been down for the count, dead on their backs..and yet somehow were able to recover and prosper even more then before. especially in todays world..nothings promised.

im really sorry for your loss man, i think a death of a parent would probably cause me so much physical and mental and emotional anguish..i dont want to imagine.

Now i can however relate to the job situation, we are around the same age and i was laid off as well and am in the process of starting my job application process...but ive been watching alot of dan pena and i wana get on some real money.

another thing i can relate to is the bpd ex...she is hoovering me hard right now. im trying to remain steadfast here but my female options currently are limited.

we all hit our rock bottoms and personal lows...its part of life. what matters is bouncing back and showing life whos boss and make some **** happen..gotta stay positive man. theres been times where i just pulled over on the side of the road and broke down sobbing because i just had to release it. make sure you are lifting at least and remaining jacked.

Thanks for your encouragement.

The loss of a parent gets more bearable with time. But since it was my father and I have no older brothers it's put me in a position where I have zero male role models. My grandfathers are both alive but their ideas about love and work are outdated and my uncles are so busy that I only see them twice a year.

This has left me wandering life as a lone wolf. Fortunately I have 4 or 5 guys I would trust with my life, but they are my equals, not my superiors to look up to. Because this slump has been going on so long and I don't have a "coach" I have gotten really insecure and begun to question whether I even can maintain a job and girlfriend again even if I wanted to, because it's been so long since I've been a "normal" member of society. My belief is that grieving any sort of loss for a year is a reasonable standard, and if that's the case I'm on month 8 of overtime. And now it's just laziness/depression and I'm starting to feel desperate for purpose again. I still have some cash, my health and access to a gym (though I could stand to lose 20 lb.)

In reality, my BPD ex did more damage to me on a personal level than the loss of my father. Losing him was surely a tragedy, but it didn't change the man I am. I just miss a person. The BPD woman was akin to dancing with a devil for 4 years, who escaped with 75% of my soul. She's gone over a year and never coming back, and my place in the dating pool has still yet to recover. At one point last year I had a half-dozen flakes in a row. Since then I've had 2 bad dates in a row, but I'm making progress. At least the last two didn't flake. Nobody can tell me this evil witch didn't alter my moment to moment interactions with women even long after she left resulting in some very bad/jaded game.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

You really have to hit rock bottom in order to change most of the time.

I had an NPD chick (and I don't use these labels freely). This girl was basically never wrong. I think she apologised to me once in the six months we were together. This kind of thing.

The unfortunate thing is that sometimes old anxieties from previous relationships come back to haunt new ones. The only thing I can recommend is that you get your own life back on track before getting seriously involved with anyone. That way you will not rely on anyone too much emotionally and you will bring the best possible product to the table. I'd say I enjoyed my 20's, but my 30's are getting even better because I am wiser and have a more acute appreciation for what and who is important.

It gets better man. Recognise bad habits and practice breaking them. It doesn't happen over night, but it will with practice.

 

[Dhoulmagus]

I'm 23 and I can say that this is the most draining period of my life. I'm not in the most ideal job career wise, not making enough money to save 1k a month like yourself, accepting that my network back home is the past, and difficulty finding women and hobbies in this town. I too want to quit my job and travel the world because I feel like a corporate Slave. My mindset has definitely changed to a more radical approach than ever before because of this experience.

It sucks losing a parent though. I'm not too close with mine, but I will still be hurt if I lost one. Hard to imagine somebody you spent 18 full years with dead.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I'm 23 and I can say that this is the most draining period of my life. I'm not in the most ideal job career wise, not making enough money to save 1k a month like yourself, accepting that my network back home is the past, and difficulty finding women and hobbies in this town. I too want to quit my job and travel the world because I feel like a corporate Slave. My mindset has definitely changed to a more radical approach than ever before because of this experience.

It sucks losing a parent though. I'm not too close with mine, but I will still be hurt if I lost one. Hard to imagine somebody you spent 18 full years with dead.

Ive read your stuff and think for you the key is to get out of North Dakota. I lived in Wisconsin for a while. For a young man, that rural backwoods living gets to you. And you cant identify these small town people who are content to stay in one tiny spot on the globe forever. There isnt a damn thing for you there.

There are cities to conquer. Try to cut back on expenses, and when you save $1000 take two weeks and just go somewhere. A big city here, another country, doesn't matter. It'll get your masculine juices flowing and open your eyes.

 

[GoodOne123]

I can relate to this post a lot.

First of all, I'm going through the potential loss of a parent right now. Unfortunately the doctors say her time is limited due to her diagnosed illness. At first I was devastated and needed to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. From what certain individuals told me, it is something that you learn to deal with, and you never forget. I can gladly say I am learning to deal with it in positive ways, as opposed to excessive drinking that I used to do. I have learnt that bottling up pain and grief can ruin you, and will always affect you in another way if you don't deal with it. Perhaps you haven't fully come to terms with the loss of your parent, which is why you were in a rut for so long?

As for bpd girls, I broke up with mine around the time my parent was diagnosed with the illness. It was horrible because I had to deal with two things at once. Now I'm not sure if she was clinically bpd, but she was definitely crazy and messed in the head, confirmed by other people too. I had to learn to detach myself from her, which was very hard. I also had to deal with the fact that she found someone new and rubbed it in my face. It's unbelievable how attached you get to these sick/troubled girls, if anything it's a good indication of how abnormal they are. No relationship should move that fast, and have so many problems and unnecessary drama to deal with. Once you ask around, you really come to realise you did the best thing by getting them out of your life. Perhaps you can't get a girl now because the bpd is still in your mind? I'm saying this because I made this mistake after the breakup. I treated new girls like I treated my bpd, because I wasn't fully over her yet.

I had a fast start at college, I graduated with good grades and a fresh job lined up. Now as I've said I've hit a dip. As I'm picking up the pieces I do feel like I'm getting better, wiser stronger. I think the thing that helped me was having someone to talk to, who also cared. I also needed that extra motivation to get off my ass. For that I used the fact that I didn't want to stay like the way I was anymore, drinking lots, feeling heartbroken, angry at the world for my parents situation. I told myself I had to get better, and demanded the best for myself. I'm working now on getting the best.

Also, in my opinion, whether it's 20s or 30s don't matter. At any age, you reap what you sow. Work hard in your 20s you see the results in your 30s, and the same happens at any age.

 

[skinnyguy]

If you were with a BPD chick for 4 years it's kind of on you. You had the opportunity to eject for several years and didn't. If you're willing to put up with that crap just to get pvssy then you need to probably see a therapist.

30's is way better. I was a complete moron in my 20's. Now I have way more control of my life, make a lot more money, and im just planning for the future. In my 20's I had no idea what my future would look like and I had no identity.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

If you were with a BPD chick for 4 years it's kind of on you. You had the opportunity to eject for several years and didn't. If you're willing to put up with that crap just to get pvssy then you need to probably see a therapist.

30's is way better. I was a complete moron in my 20's. Now I have way more control of my life, make a lot more money, and im just planning for the future. In my 20's I had no idea what my future would look like and I had no identity.

Even into your late 20s? I'm 27 now..

Sounds about right

 

[Colossus]

Your 20's are a time of constant flux, some bad decisions, and a lot of experimenting.

It's hard to generalize an entire decade of life, but my 20's were full of highs and lows. The lowest of lows---dealing with the death of a parent some 10 years prior, rocks and shoals of AFCism and a failed obsessive relationship, being broke as fvck, and the constant stress of having to make good marks in school and keep a timeline intact. All while of course juggling that ever-fragile coming-of-age self esteem.

But, the work I laid down in my 20's paved the way for the career and lifestyle I have today, and all the experience I got with women paved the way for what is now my marriage.

I think your 20's can be hard because there is so much uncertainty. You haven't yet "arrived" (which is kind of an illusion anyway) and you are still figuring out your direction in life. For most there are a lot of ups and downs. Big promise, but also big letdowns.

My advice to someone 10 years younger is the following:

-Pick a sound and proven plan to make money, and stick to it. Do not deviate unless you must. No one got anywhere by flip flopping all over the place.
-Do not get into consumer debt.
-Do not take women too seriously until you approach 30. You have too much that is changing, and they are flakes anyway who bounce from whim to whim. Stick to your plan and don't let women pull you off course.
-For the love of God, do not try to wife up or LTR any girl under 25. Stop thinking you are reinventing the wheel.
-And on that note, the mythical "good girl" people whine about being extinct here is not the hottest girl on the block. I'm sorry. Stop pursuing 9's and 10's. Even 8's are questionable. They are too hot for their own good.
-Unless you have something strong going work-wise, get out of rural areas and into at least a medium-sized metro area. You'll have 10 times the opportunity.
-If at all possible, go to an in-state college or pick a trade that wont require much, if any, student loan debt. Student loan pain is delayed pain, and once you take them out you are on the hook until you pay it off or die. It sucks, trust me. Yeah I make good money but I also pay what many people earn in a month in student loan payments.
-Have fun, but don't piss your life away partying.

 

[Good Gao]

I am in my late 20s and I think the 20s are ultimately about working as hard as you can in order to set the road for your 30s. After college, I worked 70-80 hrs a week, 100 hrs some weeks, in a job that paid in the six figures when all was said and done. All the while, I was missing out and feeling some hardcore FOMO. I ended up sticking with it and then getting out, much better situation for it financially but I feel like we all pay the price in our 20s.

Work hard and make a lot of cash? Miss out on the partying and girls.

Get the parties and girls? Get left behind in your career.

Sure you can party in your 30s and get hot girls then too but it is just not that same awe factor to it compared to when you are the same age as the girl and the two of you are going through the same things in life.

One thing I can say, spend at least a couple of years in a big city when you are in your 20s, you will love yourself for it.

 

[Ambitious Player]

I think that there is almost this sense of pedestalization of your 20s going on in media and American culture, the same pedestalization that ends up in so many guys being angry because they feel that there is something they are missing out on. Whenever you hear of college and your 20s, it is all about being social, making friends, partying, and sleeping around. So many guys in their 20s end up engaging in self-destructive behavior (excessive drinking, drugs, etc.) as soon as they realize that they are not fitting into the ideal image of the 20s that media and society attempt to paint.

The 20s should be all about partying, drinking, sleeping around, and enjoying the last bit of your youth since it is going to be so hard to do that once you get older, it is basically your last chance to enjoy all that. On the other hand, you have to worry about career and future. Now if that wasn't bad enough, for a good number of guys there is that issue of having to deal with the expectations your parents have versus going your own path in life.

I've learned that the reason so many 20 something guys are angry is because society has painted the image of your 20s as the happiest and most fun filled decade of your life which comes with energy, youth, enjoyment, parties, casual sex, and just fun in general. When guys miss out on all that and don't get it, they end up being frustrated and lost, wondering why they are missing out on the very thing it seems like most people in their situation are getting.