When a man escalates for sex but his erection doesn't follow

[LiveFreeX]

I can't believe anyone actually responded to this...

 

[The Duke]

I'm not so sure there is a one size fits all answer and thats why its important to be in tune with your partner in order to handle things correctly. If you look at non-sechsual mishaps(spilling something, etc) its safe to say most appreciate a diversion from the actual mishap! Focusing/drawing more attention to the actual mishap just heightens tension/frustration.

Speaking for myself, I'd want a woman to divert the issue at hand by...........sitting on my face!

 

[fastlife]

I think the problem with this whole concept is that you're viewing things hypothetically. Ultimately you'll end up picking up on the guy's vibe. Sure, you can be gracious about the whole thing; but attraction isn't negotiable and unless he DGAF, chance are there's very little you can do to salvage the situation and your feelings towards him will be negatively impacted to the extent that he feels negatively about himself.

The best you can do, for yourself, is to realize that his performance issues probably aren't related to you. You can try to give the guy enough mental space to balance his own reaction and to not compound his insecurities with your insecurities, but ultimately he's responsible for leading this interaction the same as any other interaction.

 

[dustmuffin]

OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A HUGE DEAL! I'M FAT AND UGLY! NOW I HAVE TO GO CRY.

Think...opposite of that. Act like you don't notice, give it five minutes, and try again.

I usually go for laugh and point.....

 

[corrector]

With me an erection is always a challenge and I ended up taking herbal pills to help with that. This is probably one of the reasons of my past marriage failure. I felt like pressured and rushed in some way that I couldn't deliver.

When I went with the last escort, I wasn't in the mood for anything at the moment with her and she had to totally take the lead. What she did was ingenious. She sucked my limp while she positioned herself that her bum was close to my face. That way since I was just turned on by her bum, and I could play with it then it just natural popped up knowing she was sucking it at the same time. I was shocked that it actually erected and I'm like "how did she manage to do that"? She looked at me funny when I acted surprised that it went up. Other past encounters with hookers going back to 2010 with are probably only 3 in the past, there was no erection at all.

 

[Desdinova]

I've had it happen lots. What I've learned is how you feel about something can be contagious. When it happens, I don't make it out to be a big deal. She will follow my lead and won't see it as a big deal either. However, we're not talking about a Don Juan here. We're talking about men who are likely AFCs or borderline-AFCs. They are going to get frustrated as fvck because they believe that getting laid is a validation of their manhood.

What I find with myself is that the more attractive I find her, the more difficulty I have getting it up - at least the first few times. Also, the more comfortable I am around the woman, the easier I find it is to get it up.

AFCs are always trying to validate their manhood and impress the woman. Therefore, it's in your best interest to make him feel like you're going to stick with him regardless of the difficulty he's having getting his bone to work. Instead of giving him oral, spoil him a bit. Give him a massage or take him out for something to eat. The more comfortable he feels around you, the easier it's going to be.

If it's not the first time you're naked together, give everything a break and try again in 30 minutes or so. Give his brain and penis time to calm down, and then try again.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

With me an erection is always a challenge and I ended up taking herbal pills to help with that. This is probably one of the reasons of my past marriage failure. I felt like pressured and rushed in some way that I couldn't deliver.

When I went with the last escort, I wasn't in the mood for anything at the moment with her and she had to totally take the lead. What she did was ingenious. She sucked my limp while she positioned herself that her bum was close to my face. That way since I was just turned on by her bum, and I could play with it then it just natural popped up knowing she was sucking it at the same time. I was shocked that it actually erected and I'm like "how did she manage to do that"? She looked at me funny when I acted surprised that it went up. Other past encounters with hookers going back to 2010 with are probably only 3 in the past, there was no erection at all.

If your having problems with your manhood stiffening, a sweet understanding attitude from a lady and some head does wonders. A lady who understands and cares will put zero pressure on you.

 

[BeExcellent]

When the junk doesn't respond it freaks men out. So the best thing to do is be sweet, understanding & compassionate. Sometimes kissing & cuddling is best, other times a gentle reset but always be kind & considerate of him.

Lots of things can be causative, many of them psychological, but some physiologic. The best response depends on the root cause.

Causes can be:

-Performance anxiety (concern about how he will compare to prior lovers)

-Size anxiety (same comparison concern as above)

-Condom kills his erection

-Age

-Guilt (he is withholding something he really should disclose, eg married but didn't mention it, STD but hasn't disclosed it etc., so wants to get laid & is afraid he will be rejected if he makes the disclosure...can affect his junk function)

-Stress/Tired

-Intoxication

My ex husband would have the issue once in a rare while, he'd simply say "another time baby doll", and we'd go to sleep or do something else entirely (not sexual). But we had great intimacy, so there was no insecurity on that issue for him.

The man I've seen over the past year has erection issues with some frequency. He worries about both size & function far more than I do...and he is recently free of a 20 yr horrid marriage to a rich crazy woman, so he is getting used to feeling desirable again but he needs understanding, reassurance and positive reinforcement, over time the issue is improving...but I really think his ex did the BPD mind fvck from hell (and still does where his kids are concerned), and it is taking time to reset himself and gain back his mojo.

The whole thing affects his junk, but I like HIM and have told him outside the bedroom to give himself a break, not worry about it because he's amazing...his anatomy has been responding positively more & more so...

The cause has as much to do with the best response. If a man has this issue (my guy is 51), he needs kindness, understanding & reassurance. It is often as much or more mental than physical & has nothing to do with the woman.

My guy gets hard when he sees me but has trouble at times in bed. That's classic performance anxiety not lack of chemistry or attraction. Reassurance, understanding & willingness to reset is key.

I also think Des is 100% correct in saying the issue is heightened the more attracted the man is. A man will put enormous pressure on himself in a desire to impress a woman he is really attracted to. Patience & kindness wins the day.

 

[Mike32ct]

We just want a woman to be understanding and not make a big deal about it. It can happen for any number of reasons that BeExcellent has listed above.

Some women take it personally and blame themselves. "Maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him." That's the worst thing she can do. If he attempted it, he's attracted. Things just didn't work out the way he wanted lol.

Sometimes, a good solution is to get some sleep and try again in the morning. "Morning wood" can be put to proper use lol.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

We just want a woman to be understanding and not make a big deal about it. It can happen for any number of reasons that BeExcellent has listed above.

Some women take it personally and blame themselves. "Maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him." That's the worst thing she can do. If he attempted it, he's attracted. Things just didn't work out the way he wanted lol.

Sometimes, a good solution is to get some sleep and try again in the morning. "Morning wood" can be put to proper use lol.

Yeah, but the ones that take it personally will issue a disparaging remark to the man making it even worse. It's nothing to take personally, it's something that can happen, and if you actually care there is usually something that can be done about it.

 

[LABADI]

This has happened to me before, I think my issue was a combination of too much fapping, and too much porn, to the point that nothing Vanilla could get me aroused, for the most part I have beaten this issue, what helped me was knowing myself, and knowing what turned me on. In my case if this would happen, I would just tell the girl to turn around and just shake it for me and just twerk, while watching that booty go up and down, I would get some lube and gently stroke my Johnson until I was ready to go. This worked for me every time, now I don't need this as much anymore and my erection is back in order. Every guy is different when it comes to body parts, some guys have a breast fetish, some a feet or legs fetish, whatever it is, you just need to be supportive and figure out what turns both of you on, also mutual masturbation and foreplay, and 69 can help too.

 

[Dingo]

Guys..... No need to suffer..... Cialis is awesome.... if you guys need a boost ask your doctor for a prescription.

 

[bigneil]

I am not sure what to do with the analogy. I get that it's suppose to be obvious to me. Are you saying a man feels so judged?, shamed?, inadequate?, and/or ??? and emotional during the experience that he feels like he wants to hide and cry? That's my best translation. My brain's not sold that's what you meant. I really value your insight and contribution BB. I really want to accurately understand what you have to share. Would you please reframe it for me?

Are you suggesting 5 minutes totally non-sexual or 5 minutes not focused specifically on his c0ck?

I am not trying to nit pick. I just really want to understand what the experience is for men and what they would want. Whatever else you are willing to offer would be greatly appreciated.

Today's women (in particular those under 30) seemed to have learned everything they know from porn.

And as you may have noticed, there is no intimacy in porn. Not that a guy wants to cuddle per se, but he still wants a girl who wants to cuddle. When a girl doesn't even provide a MAN enough foreplay, something is wrong!

In this situation (which is not uncommon since I turned 40, even with women I adore), the girl should be willing to sleep with him and things should happen naturally in the morning.

And these drunk, evil women who demand sex at 3AM and hate morning sex should all be drown in a giant knapsack like stray kittens.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Today's women (in particular those under 30) seemed to have learned everything they know from porn.

And as you may have noticed, there is no intimacy in porn. Not that a guy wants to cuddle per se, but he still wants a girl who wants to cuddle. When a girl doesn't even provide a MAN enough foreplay, something is wrong!

In this situation (which is not uncommon since I turned 40, even with women I adore), the girl should be willing to sleep with him and things should happen naturally in the morning.

And these drunk, evil women who demand sex at 3AM and hate morning sex should all be drown in a giant knapsack like stray kittens.

A lot of em expect you just to be hard automatically. Even if their giving a bad vibe.

 

[Serenity]

@LiveYourDream Simple. Act as if it's something that just happens, because that is something that just happens. Just acknowledge the situation for what it is. There's a lack of erection so penetration is obviously gonna be difficult, everyone knows that.

Could be anything doing it, stress as in performance anxiety could be one common source. Simple solution, make the guy relax. Don't rush things, cuddle and kiss some more (naked). Rub your hands smoothly across everywhere. Even massage if that's something you'd do. Just anything to get him comfortable and slip into sexual feelings.

Last thing you wanna do is to become stressed out and insecure about the situation yourself, it's not gonna help either of you.

This surely can't be an issue for you with regards to your claims about how good you are at exactly this type of thing. I think you worry needlessly.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I appreciate, so much, what each of you shared. It really helped me. You offered a lot and I learned a lot. I am super happy to have clarified ahead of time so, if/when such a situation arises, I now can respond in the very best way possible. I am really grateful! Thank you!

 

[ZTIME]

I appreciate, so much, what each of you shared. It really helped me. You offered a lot and I learned a lot. I am super happy to have clarified ahead of time so, if/when such a situation arises, I now can respond in the very best way possible. I am really grateful! Thank you!

So what's the plan?

 

[LiveYourDream]

So what's the plan?

I have a better understanding of how a man might feel and how to be supportive (at least than I did), but I don't have a plan. There are still many things I don't understand. I also imagine so much is individual to a man, his personality, and his preferences and how comfortable he is with his own sexuality, himself and with me at the time.

I know better than to take it personally. I will enjoy being with him, whether he gets an erection or not. I know my intent is to help him feel completely at ease and comfortable and to alleviate any sense of pressure. I'll certainly offer a raincheck (Help please--I'm still not sure how long to wait before doing that?) so he can relax even more.

I will do my best along the way, to be in tune with what would please him most. I'll be sure to enjoy whatever it is that he would most prefer I/we do. I won't do anything with a sense of need or pressure for him to be different or to become erect. I'll simply be enjoying myself and pleasing him too. If he'd prefer to change it up even more, my really naughty side will happily come out to play or put on a show, or I am happy just being with him without it being so sexual or even sexual at all, if he prefers.

I'd be really easy going and flexible. I'd want him to leave the interaction with a smile on his face and hopefully having forgotten there was a point he wasn't hard, whether that ever changed or not. I am woman who could pass hours and hours just loving on a man and his body, without sex. I'd also love to give him a great massage, whether he prefer relaxing, sensual, erotic or even deep tissue, if he were inclined.

If he were a man that wanted to change it up entirely, whether by ending the interaction, going out, going to sleep, sharing a meal, whatever, I'd be flexible with that too. The variety and possibilities are endless. I intend to go with the flow and make it as stress free as possible.

The fact that he and I were together to have sex in the first place means that he is a man I am happy to play with and accommodate in whatever way would please him. The absence of an erection doesn't change my giving nature with him.

Any further insight, clarification, suggested changes or suggested plans, are certainly welcome. I am here to learn and I am grateful for the help that is offered.

TL;DR No plan (or at least not yet.) My desire is if it were to occur, to be with the man in a way that he'd be absolutely thrilled with how I responded, through the whole interaction and beyond. (Lofty goal I understand. Why not aim high?)