When a man escalates for sex but his erection doesn't follow

[LiveYourDream]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/my-dyck-wouldnt-get-up-questions.234596/
Tenacity's thread got me thinking...

What do men ideally want from the woman, if this happens??? As a woman, I haven't had this experience with a man. I expect there will be a first time, at some point in my life. When/if it happens, I'd really like to be able to respond in the way that a man would most hope for. Help please...

As a man, even if you have never had this experience with a woman, what do you imagine you would want and/or not want from her?

I can imagine lots of things to do, not do, say, not say...but I am a woman. I need help to understand what a man would most prefer in this situation. I feel sort of embarrassed to ask. I have never had the experience so I don't know if a man would like me to focus on enjoying his c0ck and balls with my mouth, tongue, finger tips, etc or would that be too much focus there? Maybe a man would rather I just enjoy and pleasure the rest of his body and take attention away from his c0ck? I don't know...or would a man prefer to just sit back and have a woman give him a show with her body so they are both enjoying her body and there is no pressure on his? Should I do/say nothing different and just follow his lead? Or is a man really just wanting a quick and easy transition out of being sexual together right then?

I am super sexual. I can have a great time and enjoy him even if he wasn't hard. I have no doubt. That's me. What about him? I am happy to let go of having sex right then, too. I am totally flexible. I am happy to do whatever would please him. What is the way for me to respond?

How do I take away any pressure or expectation? I am not sure if asking him what he prefers at the time would be helpful and welcome or if it might make him feel worse? I can feel myself overthinking this right now wondering what I could do and what a man would want or not want.

I feel great sensitivity, compassion, understanding and am willing to be supportive in whatever way a man might prefer. Please help me (and other women who might read this) understand what men would most like from us maybe initially and as time progresses and he feels it's clearly not going to happen? If there was a second time or maybe multiple times, that it happens, what would a man most want from us then, if anything different? How can I and other women most ideally respond?

TL;DR = above in bold

 

[Billtx49]

Relieve the pressure he is under in his own mind and any embarrassment he may have in a non sexual way. Let him know you are ok with whatever the situation is and whatever the cause of it is. Connection comes with acceptance.
Never had that problem, but if I did, that's what I would want.

 

[ZTIME]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/my-dyck-wouldnt-get-up-questions.234596/
Tenacity's thread got me thinking...

What do men ideally want from the woman, if this happens??? As a woman, I haven't had this experience with a man. I expect there will be a first time, at some point in my life. When/if it happens, I'd really like to be able to respond in the way that a man would most hope for. Help please...

As a man, even if you have never had this experience with a woman, what do you imagine you would want and/or not want from her?

I can imagine lots of things to do, not do, say, not say...but I am a woman. I need help to understand what a man would most prefer in this situation. I feel sort of embarrassed to ask. I have never had the experience so I don't know if a man would like me to focus on enjoying his c0ck and balls with my mouth, tongue, finger tips, etc or would that be too much focus there? Maybe a man would rather I just enjoy and pleasure the rest of his body and take attention away from his c0ck? I don't know...or would a man prefer to just sit back and have a woman give him a show with her body so they are both enjoying her body and there is no pressure on his? Should I do/say nothing different and just follow his lead? Or is a man really just wanting a quick and easy transition out of being sexual together right then?

I am super sexual. I can have a great time and enjoy him even if he wasn't hard. I have no doubt. That's me. What about him? I am happy to do whatever would please him. What is best?

How do I take away any pressure or expectation? I am not sure if asking him what he prefers at the time would be helpful and welcome or if it might make him feel worse? I can feel myself overthinking this right now wondering what I could do and what a man would want or not want.

I feel great sensitivity, compassion, understanding and am willing to be supportive in whatever way a man might prefer. Please help me (and other women who might read this) understand what men would most like from us maybe initially and as time progresses and he feels it's clearly not going to happen? If there was a second time or maybe multiple times, that it happens, what would a man most want from us then, if anything different? How can I and other women most ideally respond?

TL;DR = above in bold

Quite the inquisitive woman. In your case, It's good to have a woman here on SS who contributes to men's questions and problems. So it's not so weird answering.

Tenacity's thread is good. I posted in that thread about this. Mine was alcohol and really isn't the first time. Let's be honest, I think every guy has experienced this at least once.

I think the best advice to give a woman on this is to just contine with foreplay, and not make a big deal of it.

If a guy doesn't get erect by the time a girl thinks he should, the girl will generally verbalized it. "Am I doing something wrong?" " do you have a problem?" Etc. this in turn adds pressure on the guy. Instead of enjoying the body contact, and feeling of pleasure, he is now concentrating on forcing his junk to work. Quite counterproductive.

Maybe spend more time kissing, or hitting those spots you know most guys like. Oral is always an option also, but sometime ineffective.

If in a while all fails......perhaps a rain check. You say: "Let's do this some other time, it's late", or something that doesn't make things seem weird (was it you or me). Searching for blame isn't always relevant when it's a fluke event.

If it happens a lot, then it's time to have a conversation about it. Not right after the the event, maybe a day or 2 later as a random topic.

 

[skinnyguy]

It happened to me two months ago and I never heard from the girl again. Oh well. I don't pedestalize puss so I don't care that much. I don't need sex either it's just a bonus.


I used to have a problem of having boners all the time and had premature ejaculation. Those days are long gone. I either don't get it up or I last 1 hour with the girl and she's wiped out after.

 

[Dingo]

Interesting question...

LYD I think you pretty much got it...

I guess it also depends on how long a relationship.... in an LTR you can both laugh it off and pleasure each other in others ways.... First time or very new.... I don't care what anybody says the guy is toast. No woman wants a limp ****.....

JMHO

 

[Bible_Belt]

OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A HUGE DEAL! I'M FAT AND UGLY! NOW I HAVE TO GO CRY.

Think...opposite of that. Act like you don't notice, give it five minutes, and try again.

 

[LiveYourDream]

If in a while all fails......perhaps a rain check. You say: "Let's do this some other time, it's late", or something that doesn't make things seem weird (was it you or me). Searching for blame isn't always relevant when it's a fluke event.

This surprises me. I would have gone the opposite way and ONLY waited for him to lead the interaction away from being sexual. I would think putting an ending on it, as the woman involved, would make a man feel more judged, rather than supported. This is exactly why I asked, so I can understand what a man would actually want.

I just want to be clear, am I understanding correctly that a woman suggesting a rain check, would be a relief and appreciated by a man in this situation???

Men would prefer for the woman to suggest an out, rather than wait until the man has decided and verbalized he's had enough???

Bear with me here, it's kind of crude, other than one whiskey d1ck, I have only been with men with automatic instant boners. I have no idea what the common time spectrum is for men getting hard with women? I have no reference for when it passes from normal range to when it's been long enough that HE would know it is just not going to happen? Insight please???

If a man is waiting for me to speak up and offer him an out, I wouldn't want to do it to soon and make him think I am not happy to continue and I wouldn't want to wait too long, especially if he'd really rather stop being intimate, but just doesn't want to say so under circumstances. Any guidelines???

I am thinking 30 minutes would be too soon and 90 minutes might be too long for someone, so is an hour a good target to check in about it and offer a rain check? Again...I realize that's a woman's idea. What I really most want to know is when men in that situation would most prefer a woman to offer a rain check???

 

[LiveYourDream]

OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A HUGE DEAL! I'M FAT AND UGLY! NOW I HAVE TO GO CRY.

Think...opposite of that. Act like you don't notice, give it five minutes, and try again.

I am not sure what to do with the analogy. I get that it's suppose to be obvious to me. Are you saying a man feels so judged?, shamed?, inadequate?, and/or ??? and emotional during the experience that he feels like he wants to hide and cry? That's my best translation. My brain's not sold that's what you meant. I really value your insight and contribution BB. I really want to accurately understand what you have to share. Would you please reframe it for me?

Are you suggesting 5 minutes totally non-sexual or 5 minutes not focused specifically on his c0ck?

I am not trying to nit pick. I just really want to understand what the experience is for men and what they would want. Whatever else you are willing to offer would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Are you saying a man feels so judged?, shamed?, inadequate?, and/or ??? and emotional during the experience that he feels like he wants to hide and cry?

No. That's how women feel.

 

[marmel75]

I've had this happen at times when my hormones are in flux or I've allowed my estrogen to creep up too high by forgetting to take my Aromasin for a period of time.

Basically, it really sucks. I don't treat it as a big deal because I know it's only a temporary thing for a day or two, but I can't imagine that happening every time you go to bang a chick...

As to the question...the WORST thing you could do is to ask "What's wrong with you?" Or "Why can't you get hard?". Be assured it has nothing to do with his attraction to you, it's a physiological problem in a lot of cases but in other cases there is a mental component. I'd say try to kiss him, whisper some really raunchy things in his ear and start stroking or sucking it to see if you can get it stimulated enough...Do not make a big deal out of it or it could cause further issues.

If you have L-Citrulline and/or L-Arginine lying around take 3 g of each, it dilated the blood vessels and let's them relax to allow blood flow to that area...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I've had this happen at times when my hormones are in flux or I've allowed my estrogen to creep up too high by forgetting to take my Aromasin for a period of time.

Basically, it really sucks. I don't treat it as a big deal because I know it's only a temporary thing for a day or two, but I can't imagine that happening every time you go to bang a chick...

As to the question...the WORST thing you could do is to ask "What's wrong with you?" Or "Why can't you get hard?". Be assured it has nothing to do with his attraction to you, it's a physiological problem in a lot of cases but in other cases there is a mental component. I'd say try to kiss him, whisper some really raunchy things in his ear and start stroking or sucking it to see if you can get it stimulated enough...Do not make a big deal out of it or it could cause further issues.

If you have L-Citrulline and/or L-Arginine lying around take 3 g of each, it dilated the blood vessels and let's them relax to allow blood flow to that area...

It's pretty simple, she shouldn't complain or point out the obvious in a negative way. I mean how many times in human history has that helped things? She can set you down and give you some oral to relax yourself. Once you can see she's not judging you for it, you will get comfortable enough to keep an erection.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Are you saying a man feels so judged?, shamed?, inadequate?, and/or ??? and emotional during the experience that he feels like he wants to hide and cry?

No. That's how women feel.

I read your first post assuming you were explaining a man's experience somehow. My brain was trying to find one in what you shared. My mistake. Thanks for clarifying.

I understand now that in your experience or perspective, women make it about them, their body, their looks, take it personally, and want to fall apart and cry.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I read your first post assuming you were explaining a man's experience somehow. My brain was trying to find one in what you shared. My mistake. Thanks for clarifying.

I understand now that from your experience or perspective, women make it about them, their body, their looks, take it personally, and want to fall apart and cry.

Yes they do, and they usually use an obscene tone and body language behind "defending" themselves in why your erection didn't work. It just adds heaps of insecurity and self-doubt onto the man. You gotta be familiar with the process. People need to calm down and let it happen, not force it or fuss about it.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Yes they do, and they usually use an obscene tone and body language behind "defending" themselves in why your erection didn't work. It just adds heaps of insecurity and self-doubt onto the man. You gotta be familiar with the process. People need to calm down and let it happen, not force it or fuss about it.

I am sorry women have treated/treat men so poorly. In this situation where a man wants so much for it to be different, I am sorry that he gets judged as if it is his fault or that he's intending it as a personal affront to the woman present. It doesn't serve either to feel pressured or shamed or rejected.

I wish women knew how to really love men and men knew how to really love women. Then moments like these wouldn't be a big deal for either. There would be ease, caring, compassion, light-heartedness, and flexibility to whatever works best in the moment.

 

[ZTIME]

This surprises me. I would have gone the opposite way and ONLY waited for him to lead the interaction away from being sexual. I would think putting an ending on it, as the woman involved, would make a man feel more judged, rather than supported. This is exactly why I asked, so I can understand what a man would actually want.

I just want to be clear, am I understanding correctly that a woman suggesting a rain check, would be a relief and appreciated by a man in this situation???

Men would prefer for the woman to suggest an out, rather than wait until the man has decided and verbalized he's had enough???

Bear with me here, it's kind of crude, other than one whiskey d1ck, I have only been with men with automatic instant boners. I have no idea what the common time spectrum is for men getting hard with women? I have no reference for when it passes from normal range to when it's been long enough that HE would know it is just not going to happen? Insight please???

If a man is waiting for me to speak up and offer him an out, I wouldn't want to do it to soon and make him think I am not happy to continue and I wouldn't want to wait too long, especially if he'd really rather stop being intimate, but just doesn't want to say so under circumstances. Any guidelines???

I am thinking 30 minutes would be too soon and 90 minutes might be too long for someone, so is an hour a good target to check in about it and offer a rain check? Again...I realize that's a woman's idea. What I really most want to know is when men in that situation would most prefer a woman to offer a rain check???

Too funny little sister!! You've read way to many threads on SS as not to suggest that men value women as a prize.

So whiskey ****, or a guy not being able to get an erection for the evening is an issue???.....yes! The biggest loss for the male is validation from the woman he's having sex with. 95% of the time.

So yes, the offer of a rain check to a male means you're still available and there's no "hard feelings" (for lack of a better term).

Unfortunately in today's dating climate, men apparently have to work at picking up women. When they do and can't preform, I'm sure the offer of "one more shot" will make them feel better.

You see this differently???

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I am sorry women have treated/treat men so poorly. In this situation where a man wants so much for it to be different, I am sorry that he gets judged as if it is his fault or that he's intending it as a personal affront to the woman present. It doesn't serve either to feel pressured or shamed or rejected.

I wish women knew how to really love men and men knew how to really love women. Then moments like these wouldn't be a big deal for either. There would be ease, caring, compassion, light-heartedness, and flexibility to whatever works best in the moment.

Sometimes if you been with someone for a while, they will do things on purpose to mess up your erection. I remember one of my ex's who was doing me dirty would always say something messed up around penetration time. For a while I was able to reverse the anger/rejection and use the stress to make a stronger erection. Over time it stopped working for her, because it was obvious she didn't want it to work.

 

[Bingo-Player]

erection's are a mix of mental and physical stimulation similar to what attraction is

the woman has too arouse the man both in his head and in his d1ck , (the stupider and younger the man the easier this is)

some women are naturally comforting & reassuring which allows the man to relax and get harder faster

personally if I was struggling to get an errection with a woman id simply tell her I am not relaxed enough with her yet and then I would be questioning if we even had enough chemistry to begin with......

 

[mrgoodstuff]

erection's are a mix of mental and physical stimulation similar to what attraction is

the woman has too arouse the man both in his head and in his d1ck , (the stupider and younger the man the easier this is)

some women are naturally comforting & reassuring which allows the man to relax and get harder faster

personally if I was struggling to get an errection with a woman id simply tell her I am not relaxed enough with her yet and then I would be questioning if we even had enough chemistry to begin with......

A lot of times the woman simply has to be relaxed around you and interested. If she's showing extreme stress, anger, etc these can mess up your erections.

In my situation with the ex who did me dirty. I think she was playing some voodoo mind game to mess up my erection so I wouldn't mess with her. We had great sex for many years and her body was like a magnet for me. I would get supercharged, full and veiny erections for years. Sometimes they would be so hard they literally hurt.

Something in her got her wanting to hurt me ( she had a small pvssy ), and I believe she may have been getting me back for making her sore for years ( even though she loved it ) among other things. In the end that relationship ended up a bull$hite fest and she played about every game you can play on someone on me.

 

[AlexLefty1]

This happened to me a few months ago. It's highly embarrassing and makes you feel like a piece of ****. Though, because I'm going out more I'm starting to gives less fvcks and thus it might not be as big an issue today as it was a few months ago.

To answer your question, yes providing a rain check is nice. In my experience, you feel so utterly emasculated that you just want to get the fvck out. You're thinking about how much the girl is judging you, and how sh1tty you are in bed. You're thinking about how soft you are, pun intended, and how you're a disappointment as a man and a lover. Thus, the last thing you want to do is lead. How could you expect a man who is so utterly deflated like that to continue leading. It's like, I can't get hard and obviously don't deserve to lead. So, in my opinion, the best thing for the girl to do is lead. Assure him that you don't care and that you'll raincheck tomorrow or the next day or something. Once he feels comfortable that he hasn't lost you and that you'll still be around, even after this penis debacle, he will be much more relaxed. Because a big fear he'll have is that you wont want to see him anymore. So, calling an end to the sexual activities for the night and rainchecking is the best imo. Be very comforting and assure him that it's ok.

 

[MrWood]

I can loose an erection when a woman "tries" too hard to get me off