Finding hapiness within yourself

[Powersurgeon]

Since I divorced seems that my life has gone to sh!t and my ex's has flourished like never before. I lost one of my jobs, have no money, and she has this new guy that takes her to trips, buys her things, etc. I'm becoming an AFC fagg0t and it's getting harder by the day.
I know that I shouldn't be thinking about her new life but it's hard not to compare myself with this new guy and feeling like crap.
That "self improvement" path were I should be now seems totally out of my sight.
Any advice is welcomed.

 

[Glassguy]

Give it time.

Nothing is to say that he will not drop her like a terd next week and she will be more miserable than ever.

Focus on what you can control. Wake up every day with the mentality that you have control over YOU and nobody is expected to make YOU happy but yourself.

Hit the treadmill, weights, online dating sites, clubs, whatever......go out and get your mojo back.

 

[jgoodz]

Best advice I can give you as of right now would simply be.... FORGET HER! I know it's much easier said then done. But it's now is HER life! Who SHE dates is none of your business anymore. She's obviously moving on and so should YOU! Stop focusing on where she went on vacation, how much money the guy shes dating is spending on her. Worry about yourself! I too have recently broke off a LTR and am in the same boat. But you do things for YOURSELF...

#1 You should focus on your health and well-being. Go to the gym... Go for a run/walk.... Play a sport with friends, Eat Healthier. Get a massage if you feel tense about everything. Do whatever YOU need to do to increase your overall health and well being. You'll eventually feel more confident about your self and everything will just fall into place.

#2 Be selfish. This is your time to do whatever you god damn please! Take a vacation. Take some time off to yourself to reflect on things. Do some soul searching and find yourself again. It's very important because I'm sure for the majority of your life you were caring for another person. Now it's time to switch that **** around and BE SELFISH! Care about yourself right now. Treat yourself to whatever the **** will make YOU happy!

#3 Focus on your future... now obviously right now it may look pretty grim. But that's just all in your head. Time is a wonderful thing... it heals all. Just take it day by day. Don't set HUGE goals for yourself. Set small ones up for each day. Today i'm going to do _____ to better myself. So you lost a job... focus on getting a NEW one... and don't focus about anything else, especially the guy your ex is dating... because guess what?!? That will NOT help YOU! Focus on the now and yourself.

G'luck and check back on the site. It's filled with useful mood boosting information. Get that AFC mentality out of your head and simply ACT AS IF you're Mr.Suave because once you start acting like it... you become it.

 

[Powersurgeon]

Thank you very much. The fvcking struggle is real.

 

[Cejay]

It is. I've been there.

I like the advice you're getting above. Having a d1ck measuring contest with all your ex's new dudes is not productive.

It takes time to heal.

I've been divorced a couple years now and I immediately banged every woman in sight and jumped in to all sorts of relationships, all of which went down in flames.

After my marriage ended I worked on myself but, not enough. I realized this in the past few weeks, so, I ended the LTR I was in to focus purely on myself and stop chasing tail.

It took until I was almost 40 to realize that chasing women takes a lot of time, maintaining women takes a lot of time and the payback hasn't been all that worth it.

Getting physical - to the gym is very important. If you can't afford a gym, work out in the park or somewhere else.

Read. A lot.
Lately I've been reading a lot about spirituality and meditation. Its helping me be happier. Read something by Eckhart Tolle, I don't like his writing but I do like his message. Try the 3% man or "no more mr nice guy," or the Rational Male. Always be reading.

Listen to podcasts. Check out the Art of Charm, a personal fave of mine.
Check out Trip Lanier, too, and then do some exploring.

Learn a new skill.

You have a computer, can you code? Theres so many free or cheap courses out there. If you're not a geek there's plenty of learning for whatever your craft is.

Set some goals, start small, achieve them.

Join meetup.com and start attending different events.

Watch the booze and/or drug intake and eat good food.

Get quiet with yourself and figure out what YOU want and then go conquer it.

CJ.

 

[ZTIME]

Since I divorced seems that my life has gone to sh!t and my ex's has flourished like never before. I lost one of my jobs, have no money, and she has this new guy that takes her to trips, buys her things, etc. I'm becoming an AFC fagg0t and it's getting harder by the day.
I know that I shouldn't be thinking about her new life but it's hard not to compare myself with this new guy and feeling like crap.
That "self improvement" path were I should be now seems totally out of my sight.
Any advice is welcomed.

It's bad to put yourself in this mindset. Nothing good can come out of it, yet you seem to be ok with setteling into it. Why?

Do you not realize that you control this situation?

It's you comparing yourself to your ex's new dude.....Your choice.

It's you comparing your successes to your ex's... Your choice.

Why choose to use your ex or her new dude as a benchmark for your own success?? I'm sure there are millions of people out there way more successful then them.

Why not create goals for yourself to achieve? Not goals to be better then them, but goals to be the best you can be.

You didn't lose a wife.....You gained freedom to pursue those more compatible to you.

You didn't lose a job...... You gained the opportunity to increase your income by finding a better one.

Your life has not gone to shvt...... It's challenging you to grab onto better things.

It's time to take advantage of what life is providing for you. It's time to dig deep and retrieve the one thing that will make you the best you that you can be.........YOU.

 

[ubercat]

Of course I second all the normal advice. Fitness is key because it's hard to be depressed when your fit. However when you are between jobs it does actually give you time. So I guess I'd suggest checking out some books on positive psychology and meditation. Basically what I'm saying is you have time to do the research and work out how to be happy, and look at where you can fit it into your schedule so it will be sustainable when you're working full time again. The book 59 seconds Richard Weiss has a good section on scientifically researched ways to increase happiness.

Fight Club was right you are not your house or your job or your bank account. Materialism won't make you happy because it's designed to leave you always wanting more. Rich or poor life can be enjoyed.


Now obviously you have to get another job eventually and start climbing the greasy pole again. I'm not saying spend your time sitting under a Banyan Tree. Of course you should enjoy challenges and strive to improve yourself. What I'm saying is you've got some time for reflection so try and build some self maintenance routines into your schedule.

So if you're the kind of guy who loves to go out at the end of the week make sure you got things to do on a Friday night. If you're the kind of guy who is exhausted on Friday maybe spending time on the yoga mat should be part of your routine. If nature recharges you, join a hiking group, etc.

At the end of the day most of us in the West won't starve, do have some friends and we'll be able to catch a girl of some description. So learning to be happy and help others is the big challenge.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Congratulations on becoming single. She is your ex wife for a reason, remember that.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Since I divorced seems that my life has gone to sh!t and my ex's has flourished like never before. I lost one of my jobs, have no money, and she has this new guy that takes her to trips, buys her things, etc. I'm becoming an AFC fagg0t and it's getting harder by the day.
I know that I shouldn't be thinking about her new life but it's hard not to compare myself with this new guy and feeling like crap.
That "self improvement" path were I should be now seems totally out of my sight.
Any advice is welcomed.

My advice is there is really no such thing as "finding happiness". I can tell you that a crusade of self-improvement doesn't always work, though I think it can for some people. The vast majority of people fall back on their commitments.

The problem I run into a lot with friends, family, colleagues, is this "why me?" attitude. Thanks to advertisers showing a happy couples celebrating in a casino or skipping hand in hand on a cruise ship we are lead to believe that everyone else is having a great time and we are the only one whose bored, lonely, or in pain.

This isn't true. "Happiness", as it were, is fleeting. There are moments of joy and elatedness, and they are obviously worth pursuing. But life is a struggle and those moments may not be the ONLY things worth pursuing. The key is trying to find happiness in the present moment, when nothing is happening - when you have no job or no girl or no apartment to call your own. This certainly isn't easy. I have been studying meditation and some basic tenants of Buddhism for about a year now, and I'm about 20% more patient than I was a year ago. In other words, it works. On the other hand, it's the kind of thing that could take 20+ years to become an expert.

One example:
Every living thing in the universe dies. So when we lose a loved one to death or divorce and ask "why me?", ask "why them?" referring to the 9 million children that die every year before age 5. And that's a question none of us can answer and need not attempt to.

We have to accept that life is about suffering, and everybody eventually runs into a streak of rotten luck. If you only live long enough, say till age 120, you will bury every single person you've ever loved. The day you accept life is suffering is the day you suffer less.

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room"

- Blaise Pascal

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You can be happy without having reached all your goals or tackling a mountain of personal improvements. Happiness is a state of mind.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Looking for happiness is pointless. Just be happy instead

 

[Prime_Beef]

Hmmm..
Thinking about the ex's ability to pull men?
Having been divorced to a hot girl who knew how to work the system years ago..
Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate (certainly isn't envy) it's. ..apathy. when you're done, you don't care...at all.

A friend recently divorced once asked "..why does divorce cost so much...?!?"

I smiled, opened up 2 more beers and said "..because it's worth it.."

 

[resilient]

Chin up, Powersurgeon. I'm still waiting for my papers [should be any day/week now], yet I've been separated for nearly a year. I've done a lot of things to get used to being alone. All of my married friends have disowned me... some of it was self-imposed because I stopped calling/texting/emailing. I'm in a full career transition right now in a completely differently field. The work is challenging, yet rewarding. My siblings and their wives have also estranged from me except for my parents who are letting me live with them until I can get back on my feet.

The best things I've done to heal is to go to DivorceCare support group for 13 weeks. It's a Christian DVD/group discussion group that meets Sundays for a hour or two. Mostly women, but they could still relate to separation & divorce. Anyway, since then I joined Meetup and started attending many random events. The ages vary, so I don't generally find someone my age, in most cases, yet that's completely OK, I like the physical activity like hiking, archery, or chill bonfires. I'm not ready to date, but I'm getting comfortable being myself again and generally practicing a positive mindset on life in socializing. I'm getting active in community volunteering to practice gratitude and self-sacrifice. I can't think about my emotional issues when I'm too busy helping a disabled person enjoy something they couldn't have without assistance.

On a more personal note.... on my drive home yesterday from work, I drove past my STBX wife on a main road where she was walking. She looked like she was walking between her work buildings with leftover lunch. The most revealing thing was that she had a noticeable stuttered gate stride. I found out from someone else that she had an emergency back surgery in another part of the world a few months ago and no one told me. The sight of her triggered a wave of emotions. I teared up not because I missed her or anything, but I felt compassion for her that she now has minimal capacity to do the physical things she used to love doing. I know your case is different, Powersurgeon, but... not every one has a rosy, sunshine and butterflies, happy go-lucky life after divorce. As cliche as it sounds, it takes time to heal.

My goal in the now is to start meditating again, deep breathing, exercise and to practice gratitude that I'm still breathing air.

In other non-related news, after giving it some thought; I deactivated Facebook today. I couldn't deal anymore with seeing all the engagement announcements, wedding photos of just married friends, romantic dinner photos, or babies just delivered, or their 1st birthdays. I'm happy for them, but I just end up feeling more lonely or depressed about my divorced situation. I've disconnected from FB to see what life is like offline with new faces that don't remind me of my past, lol...

Sorry for the long post or hijacking it.... I don't check SoSuave that often....

TLR: The best thing to do like others have said in this thread is to keep moving forward in life one day at a time with a positive mindset that your life will get better with a positive attitude and dedication to pursuing whatever it is your passionate about.

 

[ubercat]

The break up with friends part of this is annoying too. Chicks are very good at bonding with other chicks that was their fallback survival strategy. And of course most guys are beta and won't say jack**** to their wives. So most times you lose even when it was you who initiated the friendship. I'm curious do any of you guys have a good tactics for shoring up these friendships so the custody battle is a little bit less or is it just natural and something you should just let go?

 

[resilient]

In my opinion, Ubercat, us guys don't know how to react as an outsider to someone's divorce or custody battle. I think, in general, dudes mean well and will give a smile and nod, but having to choose sides is so awkward, even when they are hesitant to do so. The reality of the situation forces them to reluctantly. We're biologically wired to hunt prey, not comfort people with nurturing skills to help others cope with a major life event like divorce.

The nurturing part is changing now in our society as you know in the last century, yet most guys are beta like you said. Men will naturally continue to go the social flow with their significant other because most women plan the group social events or the couples dinner togetherness they, too, are wired this way.

Also, I believe that depending how far along the divorced person is in the emotional separation process, the divorcee tends to consciously or subconsciously bring in an air of an emotional heavy load that others pick up on. Friends get together for fun times, great food, music, laughs and entertainment. It's difficult to be there for the divorcee because of the awkwardness of getting accustomed to the person appearing solo when they may have been with their ex for years at every fun turn. For me, it was ten years. They have to delicately dance around stories, because a majority of them will be with or about the ex. Anyway, this is just an observation.

What I'm finding now, is that it's easier to relate to divorced or separated people or single people now than it is to relate in life with a coupled person. Single people, I'm finding are more hobby driven, so they're more likely and eager to participate in shared adventures like hiking. I hope in time with Meetup and other communities, I'll get to meet recognizable faces and build new meaningful friendships. Good luck with yours.

 

[zekko]

Since I divorced seems that my life has gone to sh!t and my ex's has flourished like never before. I lost one of my jobs, have no money, and she has this new guy that takes her to trips, buys her things, etc.

If it's any comfort, you're not the only guy this has happened to. It's strange, but sometimes when things go bad, everything goes bad at once. I don't know how many guys I've known, they lose their girlfriend, then they lose their job, everything goes at once. Myself included, this has happened to me also.

All I can say is forget the girl, she isn't relative to your life. Generally speaking, it's always going to be easier for a girl to replace a guy than for a guy to replace a girl. She just has to show up in a short skirt somewhere and field offers. A man has to take matters into his own hand and rebuild his life. Take joy in rebuilding it, and make sure you are building the life you want to build. This will ultimately reap the most satisfying dividends for you.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Divorce IS hard. We all want to believe we are good people, doing the right thing. We all want to believe that if we work hard enough we will get our piece of happiness.
When a marriage goes bad, it makes us rethink all those positive views we had about ourselves. Having someone pointing out your failures again and again, makes you question yourself. "am I a good person?Can I be loved? Can I love? Etc etc etc....

I seperated from my wife 8 months ago. I still feel like a failure. I still have days where I struggle just to get out of bed, make myself eat, wash. I dream of going somewhere no one knows me and hiding in my house and never coming out. At my worst I need a checklist just to get through a single day. 1. Wash. 2. Have breakfast. 3. Put on clean clothes. 4. Make myself smile. 5. Get out of the house.

BUT...
I have discovered who my real friends are. I have also discovered some lovely women. Life is getting better most days, but I have to force myself or **** dont get done.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Divorce IS hard. We all want to believe we are good people, doing the right thing. We all want to believe that if we work hard enough we will get our piece of happiness.
When a marriage goes bad, it makes us rethink all those positive views we had about ourselves. Having someone pointing out your failures again and again, makes you question yourself. "am I a good person?Can I be loved? Can I love? Etc etc etc....

I seperated from my wife 8 months ago. I still feel like a failure. I still have days where I struggle just to get out of bed, make myself eat, wash. I dream of going somewhere no one knows me and hiding in my house and never coming out. At my worst I need a checklist just to get through a single day. 1. Wash. 2. Have breakfast. 3. Put on clean clothes. 4. Make myself smile. 5. Get out of the house.

BUT...
I have discovered who my real friends are. I have also discovered some lovely women. Life is getting better most days, but I have to force myself or **** dont get done.

The best thing you can do after a bad relationship is spend time with women who value you, who see good in you, who hold you in a high regard. That recovering in a vacuum and all alone is a bunch of BS. The pain and anger will remain and you will build huge walls up, who will cause you to rob women who might have been worthy of your time. Just be around people good for you.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

The best thing you can do after a bad relationship is spend time with women who value you, who see good in you, who hold you in a high regard. That recovering in a vacuum and all alone is a bunch of BS. The pain and anger will remain and you will build huge walls up, who will cause you to rob women who might have been worthy of your time. Just be around people good for you.

Yup... That is the only thing that gets me through the bad days, knowing that there are people out there who genuinely like me and value me. If I spent all my time alone I would become a crazy feral neckbeard. I am pretty feral as it is.

 

[ubercat]

Agree. Sometimes I did used to go Monk mode when I had a lot to do or have health issues. However that's about getting things done. And I still maintain an active social life during those times. After a break-up shutting yourself away with your thoughts is the worst thing to do