Hey Henri Incognito, believe me, I know exactly how you feel and many others do here. I´d like to share some thoughts, some insights I read over this and other forums, that might help you to get out of this most painfull and seemingly hopeless one-it-is.
English isn´t my native language too, so there will be some mistakes in here but I won´t apologize, because just I don´t care...
The trick for me was to make peace with myself and with her.
My BPD-romance ended also about half a year ago. And even after my 10 years LTR breakup some years ago, I didn´t feel that pain in oneitis, but there is hope, not for your BPD-Ex but for you.
My experience was some kind of double-oneitis.
Half a year ago our rs ended because I refused to commit on her, I realized all the cheating, she wanted to use her magic-***** afterwards once more to bond me, but I lucky-me I could resist, even It was the mind blowing sex with her.
oneitis 1 felt kind of if I was sucked in her crazy mind but somehow I got over it in about a month or so, but than I made a big mistake:
I thought maybe we could just be friends, maybe with some benefits. No problem with my sane Ex-gf, but not possible with the sweat Poisen-Ivy. I somehow developed some feelings for her again, although we only texted, forgot all the drama and pain she did to me and once again felt in love with an illusion for the second time with this girl. Even more painfull than the first one, worst oneitis ever!!!
Beforehand two things that helped me.
1. First of all I think if you got an oneits from a sane woman, you brain**** yourself, it´s all your projection into the girl. But you´ve got a kind of BPD-Oneitis it´s on a different Level, and not your fault, more like a projected or inoculated oneitis from the bpd-girl. Let me explain, because of the disorder of the brain, they can´t feel joy like sane people, they feel joy when others suffer in pain, as you do know. So stop it! BPDs have no sense of empathy, if they would feel the emotional pain they did to their past lovers once, I think they would die immediately.
2. It´s all projection. They project their own shortcomings self-loathing into you.
Unable to bounce back after a BPD relationship.
It's been about six months since the relationship with my BPD ex-girlfriend ended.
Now, before anyone accuses my of crying wolf I will add that this girl had told me that she was "bipolar" (hell, at the time I just thought that she'd get a wee bit moody from time to time, I didn't know any better), my relationship story follows the exact same pattern as every other BPD relationship story, so I'll spare you the details, I've had to see two psychologists due to depression in the wake of the relationship and they both concurred that, given what I'd told them, she showed clear signs of a Cluster B type personality disorder and finally I'll add that she's been re-blogging / liking Cluster B related posts on her private blog.
I'm way past the disbelief stage and I was able to resist her hoover attempts, but I still as if I'm stuck in some sort of negative feedback loop.
I can't seem to let it go. I find myself missing the person I thought she was, the person she made herself out to be, the mirror image of myself.
I've gone on dates since her, but the lack of intense instant chemistry leaves me dissatisfied, I long for that initial idealization phase rush. I've slept with other girls since, but they can't even compare to her, the things she did are etched in to my retina and my mind, the way she satisfied every sexual urge.
my thesis:
it´s the inoculated oneitis from her, because of her disorder in her brain she feels joy, when you suffer, because she knows it, even if you have NoContact, it´s creepy I know, but you decide, how long you want to suffer.
It's as if something within me is broken.
co-sign, but time and NC will heal these wounds
she refuses to acknowledge the ****ty things the did (she refuses to take any responsibility for her actions, in some cases she outright denies things she did),
part of the disorder, nothing to change.
I'm angry at the way she used my love and my compassion against me.
She doesn´t know love as you do, she never learned it because of her childhood issues.
It´s really sad she does not know love and never will, she only knows infantuation.
Her attempts to make me look like the fvcked up one (projection, distorting reality and all that) doesn't bother me too much,
In fact, it does bother you.
See below:
But most of all I'm furious at myself for allowing any of this happen, I should've ejected the first time my gut was going berserk. I feel angry at how I to some extent let her neurosis alter my perception of reality. I feel ashamed over the huge beta backslide I suffered towards the end, but then again she had her hooks deep in me and I had been cut off from all other options by that time.
Just the same with my BPD Ex, she turned it like she rejected me and I was still loving her and it was all my fault with some of the most devilish ****-tests I´ve ever got from a woman and I had no chance to pass them. BPDs are the Master-Manipulators.
Until I realised:
- She had to abadon me, not the other way, it is part of the disease.
- It was just my EGO (she doesn´t even have an EGO or at least only a fragile one) that was hurt being rejected by her, nothing more and if you got over it like man i.e. by meditating. Try to practise to let go of your EGO.
- BPD´s always have to win, like a little 3 year old child, not realising that they are the lost ones, they are poor slaves of a moment.
- Within my second Oneitis realised I wasn´t so sad, because I still loved her, no, it was because I realised that she is so broken, and there is nothing I could do to help her, she doesn´t want to be save anyway. It´s the remaining part of your Knight in shining Armor, that she wanted me to be in the beginning of our relationship.
- what helped me, is to realise she is the lost one, not me.
- again just projection of her shame and guilt, she just can´t take it, it is part of the disease, and there is nothing you can do to change it.
I feel as if I must have some form closure, the one thing I can't get.
You won´t get closure from her, never. You have to me a closure for yourself and for her. Why? She can´t take responsibility of her actions, nor remorse.
Just forgive her, forgive yourself.
Meditate, this worked best for me.
BigNeil posted something here, which helped me alot:
"Hurt people hurt people"
so true, meaning she does it, even if she didn´t want to, it´s subconscious, nobody can change that.
How do I get out of this? No other woman has had this effect on me, ever. It all has gotten way the past of the point of ridiculous. If someone could just please offer me some guidance, some help as to what to do.
Mirroring and projection happens in both directions, she unconsciously showed you your own shortcomings.
For me it was i.e. fear of loss (big one), not being able to set boundaries especially towards woman, being a nice guy and many more.
Some advises for you:
Write down all all your shortcomings she unconsciously showed you and use this unique and wonderfull chance in life to work on them, one after the other. Because it is, what you wanted from her, give it to yourself.
It´s sad that she will never be able to love herself or others,
the pain you still feel Henri is her self-loathing being projected into you.
But you can practise self-love.
You´ve done nothing wrong!
It´s not your fault, it´s not her fault or anybody´s fault, it´s just this ****ed up disease.
Forgive yourself and forgive her and let go.
But don´t waste your valuable life-time and energy trying to solve an unsolvable riddle!
