Tictac
Banned
You so unconcerned about your ex that you write a post about it and mention her getting jealous over seeing you with other women.
Sure, you're past it.
Sure, you're past it.
Break up closure
- Thread starter ThomasF375
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ThomasF375
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Sorry, when did I say I was past it?
channingtatum
Don Juan
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You're extremely close to the finish line, don't do the typical guy thing of subconsciously wanting to bump into your ex. In another few weeks, you'll start feeling better and 2 weeks after that, you'll realize how much better off you are. She wanted you to be the way she wanted, not the way you wanted to be. Think about it.
sodbuster
Master Don Juan
you can't give a d@mn what she thinks. Do what YOU want. If it bothers her, tough sh1t. BUT you shouldn't care about it. You shouldn't BE wondering if she will text you, and for God's sake, don't f@ck her again {seems to be what you are hoping for}
marmel75
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1) You are a grown man who makes a lot of money and could be banging hot chicks simply because of that. Stop acting like a woman, you don't need closure, go bag some hot chicks. Sh!t, bang some of those hot ass nurses that are freaks...I have gotten with plenty of hospital chicks...they are some of the biggest freaks I know.
2) This is a situation where people simply ignore their differences until it gets to a serious point in the relationship and then simply can't ignore them anymore. If people were just honest and upfront at the beginning of the relationship it would have never made it this stage, you obviously both had platforms you are unwilling to compromise on that would have shown you it would never work long term. But when sex is involved and two people like each other those things get pushed to the back burner for awhile.
3) It is was it is, you will find another woman. Take advantage of your status and money but just be careful that a woman doesn't only like you for those reasons.
2) This is a situation where people simply ignore their differences until it gets to a serious point in the relationship and then simply can't ignore them anymore. If people were just honest and upfront at the beginning of the relationship it would have never made it this stage, you obviously both had platforms you are unwilling to compromise on that would have shown you it would never work long term. But when sex is involved and two people like each other those things get pushed to the back burner for awhile.
3) It is was it is, you will find another woman. Take advantage of your status and money but just be careful that a woman doesn't only like you for those reasons.
ThomasF375
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It has been 45 days now and I am actually starting to feel worse. I have been banging much hotter chicks but that doesnt really seem to be helping. I recently heard she told her friend that things broke up because she thought I was too immature and didnt know what I wanted in life. Granted, I wasnt ready to move in with her, but she never brought it up and I always assumed she wasnt either.
I dont know. After 45 days things seem to just be getting worse. I know deep down contacting her will only make it worse but some people are telling me I should just do it and tell her how I feel, and that I have nothing to lose. Im wondering if I just do it, I will be free from the wonder I cant seem to get rid of.
I dont know. After 45 days things seem to just be getting worse. I know deep down contacting her will only make it worse but some people are telling me I should just do it and tell her how I feel, and that I have nothing to lose. Im wondering if I just do it, I will be free from the wonder I cant seem to get rid of.
BeExcellent
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Thomas, for whatever reason you have allowed this relationship to define you. My take for what it's worth is that you feel worse because you are externally validated by what this woman thinks of you for whatever reason. When you allow someone outside yourself to carry weight regarding how you see yourself, and the relationship fails, you feel lost/worse/etc. because you assigned some of your value to that person's opinion of you. Therefore when that person leaves you or if that person is dissatisfied with you in some way it creates a hurt that is hard to get past because you have allowed someone else's opinion to hold sway over your own self esteem. You would then tend to question your worth based on that other person's opinion. This also intertwines with the invested amount of your valuable time (and I'm serious about that...time is the most valuable thing any of us have in this life...) I think this is perhaps what you are doing for some reason, but you seem to rationalize it by wanting this "closure". You don't need "closure" you need the rest of your psyche back from her. You need to have that conversation or tell her off or feel like you had the last word in order to regain this sense of wholeness again. This is a fool's game, an illusion.
You were never not whole. What she thinks does NOT matter. You ARE enough and you ARE worth it.
Is it possible you care too much what she thinks because you have assigned her opinion of you a higher value than your own?. Always and without exception there is some reason people do this, and it starts with some defect in how you look at yourself. Find that deficiency within yourself. You have to start the inner healing there. There is a hint, a hint of narcissism in your post the way I read it. Do you need HER to need you? Do you need HER to hear you? Do you see how that seeks her validation (even if it is "only" to listen to whatever it is you think you need to say?) Do you need HER to continue to feed your ego in some way? Why is that? I know you say you love her, but why do you love someone who rejects the real you?
I'm not asking any of this to needle or poke at you, I think you must look hard inside yourself to see why you still want a woman who didn't want the authentic you, but who wanted to mold you, and meld you and make you into someone else. Someone who withheld sex from you based on your behavior. I agree with the men who answered your query that this woman does not sound good for you or to you.
I used to feel "less than" many years ago. I used to feel invisible as a teen and a young woman. I'm a beautiful, smart, successful woman...but part of what got my there was this enormous chip on my shoulder that I needed to be "seen" in the world, and then once I knew I was "seen" I then needed to be seen for the right reasons, e.g. for my intelligence and my ambition rather than my looks and my body. Recognizing these sorts of deficiencies in one's self is hard to do. But unless one looks in the mirror and makes an accurate assessment of who one is, then there cannot be growth, or self awareness. Many times people with these sorts of issues are actually extremely driven people. They have a burning desire to accomplish so much that they can no longer be ignored. At least that was my own journey. I craved recognition and was driven to accomplish things to obtain the recognition (so as no longer to feel invisible), so I put my brains and ambition to work to do that. Once I obtained success however I still had to reconcile myself (and along the way I went through a horrid break up with a man who was never a good match for me where I allowed the "relationship" to define me too)...worst break up of my life...and best thing that ever happened too because it made me understand that only I could be responsible for my own happiness and my own self worth.
You are a physician, which is wonderful, but does that define you more than you wish? Do you want people to see Thomas who happens to be a doctor or do you get seen as The Doctor who happens to be Thomas? There is a distinction there. A huge distinction. I work in the medical field myself and I've seen friends of mine struggle with this thing of who they are often. The more self aware people are always the people who happen to be a doctor, or a dentist, or a whatever, but they aren't totally tied up into what they do, it's just what they do (and yes it's a BIG deal to accomplish becoming an MD - but it isn't all that you are). When people put professionals like this on a pedestal at first it seems awesome, but then you reach a place where you just want to be seen as Thomas, right? Thomas who happens to be an MD, and who enjoys guns and whatever else you happen to enjoy. Do they like Thomas or do they like The Doctor and all that represents? Perhaps I am way off base, but my sense is that you are in fact wrestling with this issue. Why else would you feel the need to lead with your profession on this post? Why does that matter?
You were with a woman who you like and love who isn't a good match for you personally for any number of reasons. She isn't going to change, she isn't going to sympathize with you, and you shouldn't change who you are, so really what's the point?
Instead look for someone who likes you for you, who appreciates and supports you. Your chosen field has enough stress and liability and tough decisions inherent in it that you need someone stable, supportive and positive in your life. Sit down and make a list. What qualities do you require, what qualities would be nice, and what qualities are deal-breakers. Be objective and think about why each quality you list falls into the category where you list it. Then measure the women you are attracted to against that list. It sounds cold and calculated, and it is an empirical method applied to something which isn't all that empirical, but it is a reliable way to retrain your mind to screen for the type of woman you need rather than whatever you are doing, which appears to have resulted in a poor match, and dissatisfaction with other women since your ex.
Apologies for the lengthy post, hope it helps. Cheers.
You were never not whole. What she thinks does NOT matter. You ARE enough and you ARE worth it.
Is it possible you care too much what she thinks because you have assigned her opinion of you a higher value than your own?. Always and without exception there is some reason people do this, and it starts with some defect in how you look at yourself. Find that deficiency within yourself. You have to start the inner healing there. There is a hint, a hint of narcissism in your post the way I read it. Do you need HER to need you? Do you need HER to hear you? Do you see how that seeks her validation (even if it is "only" to listen to whatever it is you think you need to say?) Do you need HER to continue to feed your ego in some way? Why is that? I know you say you love her, but why do you love someone who rejects the real you?
I'm not asking any of this to needle or poke at you, I think you must look hard inside yourself to see why you still want a woman who didn't want the authentic you, but who wanted to mold you, and meld you and make you into someone else. Someone who withheld sex from you based on your behavior. I agree with the men who answered your query that this woman does not sound good for you or to you.
I used to feel "less than" many years ago. I used to feel invisible as a teen and a young woman. I'm a beautiful, smart, successful woman...but part of what got my there was this enormous chip on my shoulder that I needed to be "seen" in the world, and then once I knew I was "seen" I then needed to be seen for the right reasons, e.g. for my intelligence and my ambition rather than my looks and my body. Recognizing these sorts of deficiencies in one's self is hard to do. But unless one looks in the mirror and makes an accurate assessment of who one is, then there cannot be growth, or self awareness. Many times people with these sorts of issues are actually extremely driven people. They have a burning desire to accomplish so much that they can no longer be ignored. At least that was my own journey. I craved recognition and was driven to accomplish things to obtain the recognition (so as no longer to feel invisible), so I put my brains and ambition to work to do that. Once I obtained success however I still had to reconcile myself (and along the way I went through a horrid break up with a man who was never a good match for me where I allowed the "relationship" to define me too)...worst break up of my life...and best thing that ever happened too because it made me understand that only I could be responsible for my own happiness and my own self worth.
You are a physician, which is wonderful, but does that define you more than you wish? Do you want people to see Thomas who happens to be a doctor or do you get seen as The Doctor who happens to be Thomas? There is a distinction there. A huge distinction. I work in the medical field myself and I've seen friends of mine struggle with this thing of who they are often. The more self aware people are always the people who happen to be a doctor, or a dentist, or a whatever, but they aren't totally tied up into what they do, it's just what they do (and yes it's a BIG deal to accomplish becoming an MD - but it isn't all that you are). When people put professionals like this on a pedestal at first it seems awesome, but then you reach a place where you just want to be seen as Thomas, right? Thomas who happens to be an MD, and who enjoys guns and whatever else you happen to enjoy. Do they like Thomas or do they like The Doctor and all that represents? Perhaps I am way off base, but my sense is that you are in fact wrestling with this issue. Why else would you feel the need to lead with your profession on this post? Why does that matter?
You were with a woman who you like and love who isn't a good match for you personally for any number of reasons. She isn't going to change, she isn't going to sympathize with you, and you shouldn't change who you are, so really what's the point?
Instead look for someone who likes you for you, who appreciates and supports you. Your chosen field has enough stress and liability and tough decisions inherent in it that you need someone stable, supportive and positive in your life. Sit down and make a list. What qualities do you require, what qualities would be nice, and what qualities are deal-breakers. Be objective and think about why each quality you list falls into the category where you list it. Then measure the women you are attracted to against that list. It sounds cold and calculated, and it is an empirical method applied to something which isn't all that empirical, but it is a reliable way to retrain your mind to screen for the type of woman you need rather than whatever you are doing, which appears to have resulted in a poor match, and dissatisfaction with other women since your ex.
Apologies for the lengthy post, hope it helps. Cheers.
Last edited:
sodbuster
Master Don Juan
As a Dentist, I tend to agree with this whole post..... You aren't Doctor, you aren't Her idea of you. You are YOU, find out who you are{not that you had a chance in the 8? years of school, when everyone else was doing that}, then find a woman who matches YOUR life
speed dawg
Master Don Juan
She sounds like she was straight up with you. You all were too different. It is what it is. Couple things:
- Stop taking dates to places where you know your ex will be
- Work on your self esteem
It sounds like you can get girls without confidence, being maybe you have money or are good looking, I don't know (assuming you are telling the truth about banging hot girls). That's great for hookups but bad for LTRs.
- Stop taking dates to places where you know your ex will be
- Work on your self esteem
It sounds like you can get girls without confidence, being maybe you have money or are good looking, I don't know (assuming you are telling the truth about banging hot girls). That's great for hookups but bad for LTRs.