Making amends with the ex

[gravityeyelids]

Hello my brothers. I love this forum because i feel i can discuss difficult things that are plaguing me and receive tough love and advice that can potentially build me into a stronger man. Today i'm asking for advice on a situation with my ex.

Long story short: I got involved with a girl for all the wrong reasons which lead to massive amounts of stress and anxiety and in all honesty triggered anxiety which i'm still dealing with today. I dated her because she was hot and the sex was amazing and because i was lonely and depressed and needed someone, and because i felt the need to be validated by having a hot woman on my side to make up for a hole in my self esteem. We weren't compatible. She was a very different person from me and quite honestly much of her personality flat out irritated me. I didn't see her as an interesting person or one that i could have long, enjoyable talks with or do interesting activities. To be honest while she was beautiful, i saw her as somewhat shallow and uninteresting. But she was hot and generous and always giving me affection and attention (when she wasn't busy pushing my buttons and playing endless mind games with me). This led to an extremely stressful and negative relationship. She had/has her own share of issues, which didn't help anything because she was often extremely clingy and an emotional rollercoaster. There's so, so, so much guilt on my part because i feel like i led her on and pushed her into a relationship when i really wasn't that into her, and ended up senselessly hurting her emotionally.

The anxiety got so bad that i had no other choice but to break up with her. We tried to maintain "friends" with sex on the side, which was a wreck. Two months ago after an argument I was fed up and I flat out went No Contact on her with zero explanation. I buried my feelings and stayed strong and havent initiated contact since, despite her trying to text me a few weeks after no contact. I'm still carrying this massive anxiety around the idea of her. I press it deep down but everytime i think of her or the relationship and how i might have hurt her, the anxiety creeps in and i have little choice but to bury it again. My fear has kept me from confronting the issue. This fear has even kept me from going to any of the bars that she might be at for fear of seeing her and it dredging up all the emotions i've repressed. Long enough time has passed ( to where i think that it's imperative that I re initiate contact with her to give us both some closure and finally move on.

In the past couple of weeks i've made massive changes for the better. I stopped drinking after being a borderline alcoholic through the winter to cope with my anxiety/depression and personal issues. I resumed working out almost daily, cleaned up my diet, cut out bad habits, and have started taking mood and cognition boosting supplements and herbs to combat this anxiety. I've started seeing a new girl, one whom I can hangout with for hours without even noticing the time has passed.

I'm thinking of re initiating contact and maybe meeting up to talk to her, getting things out in the open, explaining why i have been ignoring her, and hopefully putting the final nail in the coffin with no bad juju together so that my fear of seeing her out will be eliminated and i can feel comfortable saying hello to her and being pleasant and moving on with my day without worry. I'm just unsure of what to expect if i see her again and how i will feel. Thoughts?

 

[dustmuffin]

I wouldn't do it. You need to leave the past in the past. You will get over it eventually. I get anxiety over my ex too. Seeing her would just multiply it. Stay the nc course. It works best.

 

[gravityeyelids]

I wouldn't do it. You need to leave the past in the past. You will get over it eventually. I get anxiety over my ex too. Seeing her would just multiply it. Stay the nc course. It works best.

If she were in a different city than this would be easier. But she's in my city and frequents the same places as I do. I'm going to run into her eventually and have to see her and i'd rather it be on my own terms, in a controlled environment with a friendly undertone to it, rather than seeing her dressed up all s!utty, in a high energy bar/club, fueled by alcohol and emotions, with a negative tone to it, where anything could happen. I'm ashamed to admit that I don't even go to the same bars i used to frequent because she goes out all the time and goes to those bars. It's pathetic.

I do feel like i'm "over" her in the sense that i wouldn't try to get her back or sleep with her or anything like that. I'm firmly convinced that ending it was the best choice and realized that i didn't even enjoy spending time with her. It's just hard and I think a bit cruel to cut someone out of your life completely with no explanation when you experienced such closeness and high level of emotions with a girl for the better part of six months (some of the hardest six months i've ever gone through, i might add)

I just feel like i need to confront this fear instead of letting it tear me up and repressing it, and for better or worse i feel the need to release this pressure and tell her what's been going on, because she knew i was stressed but i dont think the realized the extent to which i was and how it consumed me.

 

[dustmuffin]

How do you think talking to her will change anything? It won't. You will still get upset if you see her at a club or out and about. She isnt thinking about you she is thinking about the **** she is getting from someone else.

 

[Infern0]

Don't contact her.

If you see her out somewhere just say hello with a smile and treat like an old aquaintence.

You can't talk sense to women anyway, there is zero point trying, and it won't gain you anything

 

[phillies]

Hello my brothers. I love this forum because i feel i can discuss difficult things that are plaguing me and receive tough love and advice that can potentially build me into a stronger man. Today i'm asking for advice on a situation with my ex.

Long story short: I got involved with a girl for all the wrong reasons which lead to massive amounts of stress and anxiety and in all honesty triggered anxiety which i'm still dealing with today. I dated her because she was hot and the sex was amazing and because i was lonely and depressed and needed someone, and because i felt the need to be validated by having a hot woman on my side to make up for a hole in my self esteem. We weren't compatible. She was a very different person from me and quite honestly much of her personality flat out irritated me. I didn't see her as an interesting person or one that i could have long, enjoyable talks with or do interesting activities. To be honest while she was beautiful, i saw her as somewhat shallow and uninteresting. But she was hot and generous and always giving me affection and attention (when she wasn't busy pushing my buttons and playing endless mind games with me). This led to an extremely stressful and negative relationship. She had/has her own share of issues, which didn't help anything because she was often extremely clingy and an emotional rollercoaster. There's so, so, so much guilt on my part because i feel like i led her on and pushed her into a relationship when i really wasn't that into her, and ended up senselessly hurting her emotionally.

The anxiety got so bad that i had no other choice but to break up with her. We tried to maintain "friends" with sex on the side, which was a wreck. Two months ago after an argument I was fed up and I flat out went No Contact on her with zero explanation. I buried my feelings and stayed strong and havent initiated contact since, despite her trying to text me a few weeks after no contact. I'm still carrying this massive anxiety around the idea of her. I press it deep down but everytime i think of her or the relationship and how i might have hurt her, the anxiety creeps in and i have little choice but to bury it again. My fear has kept me from confronting the issue. This fear has even kept me from going to any of the bars that she might be at for fear of seeing her and it dredging up all the emotions i've repressed. Long enough time has passed ( to where i think that it's imperative that I re initiate contact with her to give us both some closure and finally move on.

In the past couple of weeks i've made massive changes for the better. I stopped drinking after being a borderline alcoholic through the winter to cope with my anxiety/depression and personal issues. I resumed working out almost daily, cleaned up my diet, cut out bad habits, and have started taking mood and cognition boosting supplements and herbs to combat this anxiety. I've started seeing a new girl, one whom I can hangout with for hours without even noticing the time has passed.

I'm thinking of re initiating contact and maybe meeting up to talk to her, getting things out in the open, explaining why i have been ignoring her, and hopefully putting the final nail in the coffin with no bad juju together so that my fear of seeing her out will be eliminated and i can feel comfortable saying hello to her and being pleasant and moving on with my day without worry. I'm just unsure of what to expect if i see her again and how i will feel. Thoughts?

If you think it could hurt her, don't do it. Maybe it's better you let her move on and forget it.

However maybe she has moved on. She's hot so she's going to have options.

How long did you date her?

 

[MrWood]

I suggest reading:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....enge-read-this-if-you-just-got-dumped.160056/

 

[Fireballs]

Whatever you want to say to her, write it ALL down, read it a few times, then burn it.

That is what I wish I did. I went the whole contact her for closure route and I regret it.

 

[ohrein]

You sound like me from five years ago except I had oneitis I couldn't get. On the depression/anxiety, get into Buddhism. I cured my panic disorder with meditation and the four noble truths. My anxiety and depression are about a 1/10 instead of an 8/10 simply due to two solid years of daily Buddhism. I've recently quit smoking and my drinking is under control. I'm planning to give it up as well soon.

As for the ex, most people will say don't bother but it's really a cost/benefit assessment. I let my ex friendzone me because she is my housemate (I know, I know) and the cost/benefit to keeping everything together was way more than trying to gain something out of ignoring her. I also felt sorry for her as she has some serious issues. So it made me feel better just accepting it.

So you need to figure out the cost/benefit to you reaching out and decide for yourself. If you've moved on and you're certain you can handle interactions with her then maybe it would be for the best to reach out. I used to live in a small town and I know how much one person can impact your friendship circle and day to day life.

Cost vs Benefit.

 

[El Payaso]

You need to reframe your mind. You didn't push her into a relationship. You gave her an option and she took it. She's a woman and she has her own agency.

Anytime you feel guilty, think of her crappy behavior and all the bad ways she treated you and acted.

Contacting her won't do you much good. It can lead to more stress. She's only contacting you because she can't believe you just disappeared on her like that. Once she gets the validation of you seeking her, it's game over. Your balls will be in her hand and she'll be completely over you. Right now you still have some respect in her eyes, don't lose it.

Besides, you might contact her only to find out she has a new boyfriend or something. Just drop it. You'll meet many more women. There's nothing inherently special about her.