Asked BPD EX a question...

[Julian]

So Ive let her down easy, moved away, broke up strategically. She is still trying to reel me back in (not happening).

Anyway I asked her "Do you ever just think back to all the chit that you put me through?"

Her response: "No..."

And this girl still claims to love me and want me and miserable without me blabla...

Just goes to show the way this mind disease works. Claims love yet cannot even fathom thinking of the ills she has wrought upon me

 

[LiveYourDream]

You remained with this BPD woman long after you were aware that doing so was not in your best interest. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You eventually decided to honor your own well-being. You broke up, moved out and moved-on. What did you do once you were free? You re-engaged her. You knew doing so was not in your best interest. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You asked her a question that sought illusionary validation. You knew better and yet you did it anyway. You then used her response to reinforce the belief that you were a victim to her. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You are not alone. I have made similar choices, as have many others here. I am not writing this to shame in any way. At certain points, many of us knew better, and yet we did "it" (whatever that is for us), anyway.

My question is, Why? I believe understanding why--why we were willing to choose against our own knowing, our own well-being and/or our own best interest, is paramount to not doing it again.

What (drives, desires, hopes, needs, compulsions, beliefs, etc,) keeps one engaging, even when one knows to do so, is not in their own best interest? I believe the more one can be aware of these potential "traps" the better the opportunity to avoid them in the future.

Why did you--OP (or anyone here) remain involved and/or reengage, even when you knew better?

 

[dude99]

So Ive let her down easy, moved away, broke up strategically. She is still trying to reel me back in (not happening).

Anyway I asked her "Do you ever just think back to all the chit that you put me through?"

Her response: "No..."

And this girl still claims to love me and want me and miserable without me blabla...

Just goes to show the way this mind disease works. Claims love yet cannot even fathom thinking of the ills she has wrought upon me

Cluster b = trash. Do not bother

 

[phillies]

You remained with this BPD woman long after you were aware that doing so was not in your best interest. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You eventually decided to honor your own well-being. You broke up, moved out and moved-on. What did you do once you were free? You re-engaged her. You knew doing so was not in your best interest. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You asked her a question that sought illusionary validation. You knew better and yet you did it anyway. You then used her response to reinforce the belief that you were a victim to her. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You are not alone. I have made similar choices, as have many others here. I am not writing this to shame in any way. At certain points, many of us knew better, and yet we did "it" (whatever that is for us), anyway.

My question is, Why? I believe understanding why--why we were willing to choose against our own knowing, our own well-being and/or our own best interest, is paramount to not doing it again.

What (drives, desires, hopes, needs, compulsions, beliefs, etc,) keeps one engaging, even when one knows to do so, is not in their own best interest? I believe the more one can be aware of these potential "traps" the better the opportunity to avoid them in the future.

Why did you--OP (or anyone here) remain involved and/or reengage, even when you knew better?

I'd assume it's because cluster bs can be addictive.

There was this study done with three groups of puppies. One group was always treated positively. The second always negatively. The third was randomly treated positively or negatively. The third group became the most attached to the researchers.

 

[Julian]

You remained with this BPD woman long after you were aware that doing so was not in your best interest. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You eventually decided to honor your own well-being. You broke up, moved out and moved-on. What did you do once you were free? You re-engaged her. You knew doing so was not in your best interest. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You asked her a question that sought illusionary validation. You knew better and yet you did it anyway. You then used her response to reinforce the belief that you were a victim to her. You knew better and yet you did it anyway.

You are not alone. I have made similar choices, as have many others here. I am not writing this to shame in any way. At certain points, many of us knew better, and yet we did "it" (whatever that is for us), anyway.

My question is, Why? I believe understanding why--why we were willing to choose against our own knowing, our own well-being and/or our own best interest, is paramount to not doing it again.

What (drives, desires, hopes, needs, compulsions, beliefs, etc,) keeps one engaging, even when one knows to do so, is not in their own best interest? I believe the more one can be aware of these potential "traps" the better the opportunity to avoid them in the future.

Why did you--OP (or anyone here) remain involved and/or reengage, even when you knew better?

Honestly because I guess I didn't want to give up...I wanted to know that at the end of the day I gave it my best shot. The re-engaging was mostly to give her a chance to "make things up" and help with closure of everything. She got us a luxury hotel for a weekend getaway...I agreed. But after the outing I still kept my guard and distance up letting her know im not easily won back. Somewhere I guess inside there was hope she could be "normal". Regardless I am trying to maintain a cordial ending to all of this for the most part.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I could be wrong, but to me, you are looking away by making it about her or generic. You can certainly do that. That is as far as most people go and then they repeat the behavior with another BPD in the future. On the other hand, you can choose to look deeper. Sure she is a BPD and all that goes with that. You are responsible for your part and all that goes with that. I am asking about you about your part. Look deeper, if you choose. Why did you continue to engage her, even when you knew doing so was not in your best interest? Why did you re-engage her even after you broke free? You can answer here or not. At least ponder and go deeper for yourself and your own future well-being.

 

[KOKid]

Julian walk away and never return. Don't give her rope to hang you with for cheap validation. I haven't read your story and really don't need to. If you were with a BPD woman, a truly diagnosed BPD woman and got away with nothing but hurt feelings and ended this on a good note you are very very lucky. She will never be "normal" even late into her life. It turns from over the top dramatics early in their life to evil passive aggressive actions later in life when their looks fade and the "normal" people cut ties with her as they begin to become very nasty people to be around.

Keep it up and you'll be on a merry go round of craziness and throw in an "opps" baby or two and life will never be the same.

 

[Infern0]

The problem with bpd's, even after you do all the work on yourself, rid yourself of codependency gets so that it could never happen again with a NEW BPD.

I think it cones down to ego in the end. Our ego.

We don't like that we were "beaten" by our BPD, and there's almost a need to rewrite the story, to change the outcome so that we win.

But you have to accept that your old BPD ex just has your number, she knows you inside out and no amount of improvement or game on your side is going to "win" against them

The only way to "win" is either avoid entirely or pump and dump before you can get atratched.

Its too late for that, my friend. Far too late.

Let her go, there's no victory to be gained here, just bitter defeat.

 

[fastlife]

The problem with bpd's, even after you do all the work on yourself, rid yourself of codependency gets so that it could never happen again with a NEW BPD.

I think it cones down to ego in the end. Our ego.

We don't like that we were "beaten" by our BPD, and there's almost a need to rewrite the story, to change the outcome so that we win.

But you have to accept that your old BPD ex just has your number, she knows you inside out and no amount of improvement or game on your side is going to "win" against them

The only way to "win" is either avoid entirely or pump and dump before you can get atratched.

Its too late for that, my friend. Far too late.

Let her go, there's no victory to be gained here, just bitter defeat.

I think even beyond ego (which, admittedly, gets absolutely enmeshed and wrecked during a run in w/ a BPD), the OP is still refusing to take full responsibility for the situation. Yeah, the disorder sucks; yeah, you probably have deep-seated core shame/pain/family-of-origin type-**** that you need to work through--but that comes later.

The first steps are 1.) Accepting reality and 2.) Taking responsibility for that reality. You're still looking for her to provide 'closure.' You can't rewrite the story--it happened; and there were shortcomings in both yours and her personalities that damned the relationship before you even met. But you have full artistic license to write your own ending and you have the choice of how you choose to perceive the situation and what light you remember it in. That's what it means to become your own mental-point-of-origin.

And really, she was only a proxy through which you were able to love yourself. @Julian you have an awesome opportunity here to rebuild yourself. It wasn't until I 'spun tires' (euphemism of the year lol) with my BPDex that I found self-love, happiness, total agency, forgiveness (for my parents, for being who they are, and for myself for the things I was helpless to correct as a child). It'll open your eyes to problems and deficiencies you never knew you had--but you can't look to your ex to help solve those problems, only to reopen them if you let her.

 

[Reykhel]

I think even beyond ego (which, admittedly, gets absolutely enmeshed and wrecked during a run in w/ a BPD), the OP is still refusing to take full responsibility for the situation. Yeah, the disorder sucks; yeah, you probably have deep-seated core shame/pain/family-of-origin type-**** that you need to work through--but that comes later.

The first steps are 1.) Accepting reality and 2.) Taking responsibility for that reality. You're still looking for her to provide 'closure.' You can't rewrite the story--it happened; and there were shortcomings in both yours and her personalities that damned the relationship before you even met. But you have full artistic license to write your own ending and you have the choice of how you choose to perceive the situation and what light you remember it in. That's what it means to become your own mental-point-of-origin.

And really, she was only a proxy through which you were able to love yourself. @Julian you have an awesome opportunity here to rebuild yourself. It wasn't until I 'spun tires' (euphemism of the year lol) with my BPDex that I found self-love, happiness, total agency, forgiveness (for my parents, for being who they are, and for myself for the things I was helpless to correct as a child). It'll open your eyes to problems and deficiencies you never new you had--but you can't look to your ex to help solve those problems, only to reopen them if you let her.

Yes my friend, no mud, no lotus flower.....

 

[Infern0]

I think even beyond ego (which, admittedly, gets absolutely enmeshed and wrecked during a run in w/ a BPD), the OP is still refusing to take full responsibility for the situation. Yeah, the disorder sucks; yeah, you probably have deep-seated core shame/pain/family-of-origin type-**** that you need to work through--but that comes later.

The first steps are 1.) Accepting reality and 2.) Taking responsibility for that reality. You're still looking for her to provide 'closure.' You can't rewrite the story--it happened; and there were shortcomings in both yours and her personalities that damned the relationship before you even met. But you have full artistic license to write your own ending and you have the choice of how you choose to perceive the situation and what light you remember it in. That's what it means to become your own mental-point-of-origin.

And really, she was only a proxy through which you were able to love yourself. @Julian you have an awesome opportunity here to rebuild yourself. It wasn't until I 'spun tires' (euphemism of the year lol) with my BPDex that I found self-love, happiness, total agency, forgiveness (for my parents, for being who they are, and for myself for the things I was helpless to correct as a child). It'll open your eyes to problems and deficiencies you never knew you had--but you can't look to your ex to help solve those problems, only to reopen them if you let her.

I agree with almost everything you wrote.

And I certainly agree that any of us who got involved at length with a BPD had our own, probably quite severe issues.

But with new victims who come, we have to be very careful about how we phrase the bold, because it can easily be interpreted (through the addicts lense) that maybe they could have "done better" in the relationship if they were "better" than they were

and that is simply not the case. the relationship was damned by the BPD, every single time. his own faults were put under the micoscope, and its a great source of growth and introspection, but let's be totally clear about that, there is NO chance of a lengthy, happy, healthy relationship with a BPD for ANYONE.

 

[fastlife]

the relationship was damned by the BPD, every single time. his own faults were put under the micoscope, and its a great source of growth and introspection, but let's be totally clear about that, there is NO chance of a lengthy, happy, healthy relationship with a BPD for ANYONE.

That's exactly why you have to focus on yourself & take responsibility over what you do have control over. We were all, at some point, the victim of ignorance. That's forgiveable. But as soon as you know what you're dealing with, remaining the victim is a choice.

Taking responsibility is the opposite of blaming yourself or blaming the disorder. Because blame implies that you don't have agency. You, me, and the OP all have agency--not over our exes, not over the disorder, not over the choices we made in the past or what we coulda/shoulda/woulda done, but over ourselves in the present moment. Don't get me wrong--detachment is a *****; I know that; 8 months ago I remember lying on my bed debating whether I should put a bullet in my head or deal with a reality and a self I'd spent 23 yrs of ego-investments protecting myself from. Victimhood and Responsibility are diametrically opposed--you have to choose one or the other; either you're responsible or you're the victim. The extent you choose to be the victim is the extent that your ex still has power over you (if you don't believe me, go to bpdfamily; there are members who have been there for years who validate each others' victimhood and enable each other to dwell on the disorder indefinitely).